Why Not Tell Me? (About Smoking)

If you can't tell the man you kiss is smoking you, well I can't find a good analogy here. If you haven't tasted it on him then he probably isn't smoking a lot or at all.

Just how you went about doing this is soooo wrong. Guilty or innocent a person would react the same way, defensive. You jumped to conclusions and sent your innocent daughter to try to make him feel bad??? Why??? Why would you put your daughter in the middle of whatever you thought was going on?

My god I am still floored about how you went about handling this. It would have been like when I found my ex's girlfriends number in his phone going to my four year old and saying could you take this to daddy and ask who's number this is? Why???

I suspect he didn't tell you based entirely on your reaction in this post.
I wouldn't either.

Smoking is an additoin and a coping mechanism. I smoked for 10yrs, and I still miss it having quit cold turkey 9 yrs ago.

There must have been something that set him off to start up again, and he's sneaking it because he doesn't want to hear about it.
You can't make him quit. You can't guilt him into it, show him pictures of smoker's lung, put conseuqences on it or break it out financially.
None of that will work.

So, in essence, all you can do it NOT support his habit. If he buys cigs - use his OWN money. No smoking around you or the kids, etc...
But you can't make him stop.

-from someone that's been there
He will quit when he is ready and motivated. No matter what you do.

Your reaction is probably what your husband expected from you, and therefore he chose not to bring it up. And there's nothing about your feelings and reasoning that is "wrong." (Of course your concerns are absolutely right!) It's just not in line with reality as your husband is experiencing it.

If you're not smelling tobacco on his breath, skin and clothing, he's probably not smoking much. He may even be taking most of his smoke breaks at work, both to socialize and to relieve stress. I've never smoked, but understand it can be quite a relaxer.

Your reaction would be more likely to add to your husband's stress than relieve it. A calmer conversation, free of blame and maybe even expressing concern for his needs, will probably take you farther toward a solution. He will have less need to feel defensive. Once somebody's defenses go up, they are much less available to hear another person's needs, so I'd start there.

Nothing deadly will happen over the next few weeks, so this can be a slowly-developing conversation. Instead of criticizing his habit, you might ask if the two of you together can start to adopt some new, healthier habits. Taking walks after dinner or with the kids after he gets home from work. Giving each other relaxing massages or head-rubs, perhaps with a glass of wine. (My husband and I give each other foot-rubs while enjoying a video in the evening.) Finding a joke of the day, or teaching the kids jokes or new games to share with Dad; strong family connections will give him terrific "reasons" to take the best possible care of himself.

All in all, the focus will best remain on you and the kids in the most positive possible light. Let him know how much you love and appreciate him. Don't nag – that tends to drive people more deeply into negative responses, weaken emotional ties, and increase defensiveness.

Nicotine is one of the toughest addictions to beat. And people who do beat it succeed for positive reasons. We all tend to stay in denial about the negative effects of our behaviors, which are way off in the vague future, if the rewards of the behavior meet some more immediate need.

I get that there's an issue but please talk to your counselor about this. This is not fodder for a "family meeting." Family Meetings are not a place to call out an humiliate your partner in front of your children and treat him like a wayward child. How insulting and offensive that would be, not to mention weird and unsettling for your children.

And your SWH does not explain or justify - at all - your involving your daughter in this. You seem very passive-aggressive and overbearing. I get that this is a problem and that you're upset, but involving your children in this and waiting 24 hours before talking to him is not productive.

FWIW one cigar every few days is not that big a deal and doesn't make your husband a "smoker." If he had trouble quitting in the past then it's probably not a good idea, but my husband smoked for years, quit shortly after we got married and now probably smokes and average of a cigar a week. It's no big deal to me at all.

To me this screams of control issues - please run it by your counselor, this is what he or she is there for. I H. that you counselor can give you good tools so that you can handle things like this in a more satisfying way that doesn't make you crazy and your husband more defensive. Good luck to you.

First of all -is it cigars, cigarettes or both? Enjoying a cigar once in awhile isn't likely to do anything detrimental -although they can be very expensive. If he's smoking cigarettes instead or both -and he's smoking every day -then that can lead to problems and more expense. Does he smell like it? Both cigars and cigarettes have a VERY noticeable odor! I'm sure he knew you would freak out, so he has been hiding it. I would take a different approach and let him know you're just worried about his health -find out why he's stressed and feels the need to smoke, but honestly -if it's a cigar or two a week -I would leave it alone! -and really -if you or your kids had no idea until you discovered his "stash" -how is it hurting their lungs?

***ETA -I just read your SWH -this isn't about cigars or cigarettes -it's about your marriage! He sounds like he's depressed or really stressed out about something. Have you two tried counseling? Have you tried talking to him about why you don't ever kiss or have a family life together? The smoking is just a small symptom of a much larger problem.

Well I am guessing he didn't tell you because he knew you would be angry and chide him and he just didn't want to hear you complain. If he wants to smoke, he will. You cannot stop him. You can ask your husband to submit to ground rules such as no smoking inside, wash your hands, brush your teeth, etc. Maybe you can offer to give up one of your bad habits that he doesn't like if he will give up smoking. That works for some people. Don't involve your children. You may be lacking in family time but a confrontation between mom and dad isn't going to serve as a good family event for the children. They don't need to be involved in arguments between their parents.

Honestly, you sound like you have way bigger problems in your marriage to fix than your husband smoking cigars.

As to how you can handle things like this better...the only advice I can give is try not to be so confrontational next time and certainly don't involve your 4 year old.

I think sometimes men lie about trivial stuff so they don't have to hear our mouth and sometimes because they don't want us to be disapointed int hem. They want to be the hero in our eyes so they don't like to let us see the weaknesses.
It seems he didn't tell you because you would be angry and lecture him about not being able to afford it and the medical issues. I'm not excusing it. Of course you have a right to know about it. But not to control whether he does it or not. You can't be his mom and forbid him from it.

First do not get your kids involved, having your daughter take the "stash" to him instead of you just doing it is a bad idea. You can bring up in talking to him that you do not want the kids to pick up the habit or think it is health but do not have the kids around when talking about it.

Sure it would be great if he is up front about this, you are married and both of you should feel comfortable with sharing anything (even if it is not an ideal habit).

Express your concerns for his health, the expense of it, and ask why he feels the need to smoke again and see if he can replace the habit with something else. Is he stressed, instead of smoking try to find something that will he reduce the stress that will not harm his health in the long run. I like to exercise, read a book or take a bath to relax/de-stress.

The biggest issue I see is that he told you to shut up, that is not a way to deal with things. I would tell hubby that is not ok to say. Seems like the relationship needs some work so both of you are feeling more respected in your opinions.

Lastly I have not smoked since Feb 2002 but at least once a week I still have the urge to smoke. To me the addiction will always be there and always something I have to say no to. No one can make you want to quit, there is nothing you can say to make someone quit, let him know that when he is ready to quit you will be there supporting him when he is ready. I do not pick one up because hubby hates kissing me when I taste like smoke/tar/whatever and I love myself and him too much to smoke.

read all of the responses & your update. What really jumps out at me is that you & your DH seem to have totally disconnected & are not on the same page.....on anything, including mouth-to-mouth contact! What a shame .......

It's been mentioned that perhaps your DH is depressed....well, if he's on the computer & the two of you are not connecting - even down to using an innocent child as a go-between.....& if you're responding with such palpable anger....then it's definitely time for counseling. For both of you.

if my husband dared to tell me to shut up, there would be issues immediately. if my husband was hiding something as trivial as smoking again from me, we would have issues. if he is hiding something as silly as smoking from you, who knows what else he is hiding. you need to take a detailed look into your finances, his pay stubs vs the bank account balance etc.

as far as the family meeting with the kids, I really think that is way overkill, you do not need to involve your children with fights you are having with their father, they will come to resent you in the end or hating their father. why would you even mention that? or involve your daughter in your little pissy fest with him over finding the cigarettes. either way, seems like there are a lot is issues to deal with.

I am sorry you and hubby are not gettin along well. I know the smoking bothers you and it would bother me too. But using your child to bring something to daddy when you know a fight will begin, is wrong! Please don't put your child in the middle anymore. If you are really wanting to work this out--come to him like an adult and ask to speak privately. Tell him what you saw and that you are upset by it. Ask why he didn't tell you? Don't accuse. Listen and ask how you can work together so that the communication gets better. Keep an open mind and check in with your hubby. He may be really struggling with finances or work stuff etc and using cigars as his outlet. Not saying its right, but that may be why. If you get to the root of the issue, then you can deal with the disease--not just the symptoms! GL and keep going to counseling...it will help.

M

This is NOT a family issue. This is a husband and wife issue. Do NOT bring the kids in on this. I would be pissed with his comments of "don't worry about it and shut up..." I don't think so! Another things sticks out. He stopped giving your money for gas to go to church? To me that is non-negotiable. Sorry God before smokes!

If he wants to smoke, he is going to smoke. I would just tell him that if he wants to smoke, fine outside and away from the kids and that you are going to church every Sunday. If he has a problem with that, then too bad.

You need to talk to the counselor about this. I'm sorry he won't go but you need to go. Don't put your kids in the middle of this. This is NOT a family issue.

Your So What Happened suggests that your husband is pulling away from your family which is a major issue. Could be depression, another woman, an internet addiction... lots of things, but if he's not willing to work on it then you have some real thinking to do.

I don't this the kids should be involved in this AT ALL. CLearly there are deeper things going on here than him smoking. With all due respect the post above makes you sound more like his Mother than his wife.
If I were you I would not spend a minute on the topic of smoking but instead try to talk about your relationship and his distance from you and your kids.

I haven't really read the responses, but one thing that concerned me is that you want to have a family meeting to discuss your husband's smoking. It sounds to me like the two of you have some things to work out regarding this issue without bringing the kids into it. I don't think you should have given them to your daughter "to give to Daddy". That's sort of playing games and using your children to do so. Your marriage is between you adn your husband and you shouldn't really bring your kids into those discussions...just my opinion.

I'm sorry, but you busted him for having cigars and sent your kid to let him know you knew.
That was not cool.
Then you stewed about it because he didn't say anything.
Ummm, neither did you.

At first.
A family meeting because your husband, who is an adult, is doing something that's not even illegal?
The whole thing started off on the wrong foot to begin with in getting your daughter involved.
Then the litany of health risks and not being able to afford it.
So, he, in turn, pointed out something YOU do that maybe you can't afford.

"Why didn't he tell me he just needs a little cash for smokes?"
You have to know that your reaction is the reason he didn't tell you.
You were going to say, "Yes, dear, that's fine." ????
No.
It obviously wasn't going to go down like that.

I don't agree with him hiding this from you. But, it's my guess that you and your husband need to work on how to communicate with each other and leave the rest of the family, etc, out of it.
It's about communicating. It's not about health, it's not about your kids, it's not about money, it's not about smoking.
If you can't learn to talk to each other and listen to each other, you're in for a long and bumpy ride no matter what the subject is.

Just my opinion.

I don't think the smoking is the issue, obviously you are working through a lot on your own. I think that each person needs to have pocket money that is their money, they can wipe their hiney with it if they want, no responsibilities with it at all.

That way if they want to spend it on cigars, coffee from the 7-11, chocolate bars in the car, etc...no one has the right to tell them or expect them to pay for anything out of it. No gasoline, no bills, no items from the store, it is pocket money.

I think it makes each person feel better and that way you don't have arguments about any of the spending each person does for trivial things. I agree smoking is a long term health issue but if he wants to smoke at least he's doing it where it won't be effecting anyone else's health.

I dont think it's a good thing to send your child in with the smokes. Trying to make her daddy out as the enemy is never healthy.
He's obviously already hooked on smoking but has spared you from the second hand stuff by sneaking to do it. I don't think adults should have to sneak to do anything. You guys have communication issues for sure. If smoking and lying about it is a deal breaker for you, you need to let him know.