I am questioning myself on how I handled a situation......My daughter, who is 8yrs old, has been having some problems on the bus. A brother(4th grade), sister(same class as DD) and sometimes a friend of the brother's have picking on, teasing, ganging up, etc on my DD. It seemed to all have started when the brother wanted to see a toy of my DD. She then wanted it back and he wouldn't give it back, so my DD got mad. The sister then got mad at DD for yelling at her brother. Then it all seemed to snowball from there. After a couple weeks of having my DD try to work it out for herself, sitting away from them, ignoring them, etc. I finally decided to contact her teacher after she came crying yet again. Teacher said she would help and to contact her if it continued. That afternoon, more of the same with the addition of calling her a tattletale, so I contacted the teacher, who said she would contact the principal. Next day, the principal had a very nice talk with them all. The brother, sister and friend were very sorry. Everything was worked out and everyone is friends again.
So, today at the bus stop, the dad approached me. He was nice, but you could tell her was irritated that I went to the school and his kids had to talk to the principal. Said he wished I would have talked to him first instead of getting the principal involved.( I am not sure why, no one got in trouble, my DD said he was super nice.) Then he proceeded to defend his kids(surprise!), saying that his DD came home crying 3 days in a row and his DS was just defending her. I told him that you just don't know how parents will react when confronted and I thought it was best to go to the school. He said well I would have come to you first, etc. So, I don't know if I should have talked to him first. I don't want to have any tension at the bus stop, although to be honest, I kind of see him differently. I think part of it was that I felt slightly intimadated to confront him, he's big guy. My other thought was kids tend to exaggerate or leave things out when talking their parents, mine included. So, I felt going to the school would get to the real truth from both sides.
Just wondering if I handled this right or should I have done things differently?
FYI- We don't know these parents very well. Its more of "hi" at the bus stop or" hello" when passing in the neighborhood. They live a couple blocks away from us.
I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond. I appreciated everyone's views on the situation. Reading the responses makes me feel that I acted appropriately. I know that my DD is not the 1st kid they ganged up on and sadly she probably won't be the last, but maybe the talk with the principal will make them think twice next time. Think I will keep it to a "hello" at the bus stop and have my DD keep any kind of friendship at school. Thanks again!
Yes, You went to the teacher, then the teacher and you went to the principal.
I would have done the same thing.
He is just PO'ed because his kids got in trouble.
You absolutely did the right thing. These kids may be ganging up on some other student and you just don't know about it. At least now there is someone watching them and a record of the behavior.
Well it is done and there is not much need to second guess yourself. As well, the two of you have already spoken and no need to rehash what has been said between the two of you. Move on.
You are right, you never know someone's reaction to things. Everyone has their own opinion on how to handle situations.
By the way, when I know there is something bothering my daughter and I question her on how things happened, she cries. Even if and especially if she is wrong. Maybe he doesn't know about the girl trait of crying your way through it yet.
Just carry on and continue to say hi and bye as you come and go.
YOu handled it more than appropriately!!!!! The kids should have worked out their dissagreement and didn't. When there is a breakdown like that you have to intervene. I would have done the same thing you did no different. You can understand why the principal would get involved. That father is a nightmare and that is precisely the reason the other kids needed the lecture. There are some parents out there that will always be in denial or think their kids are perfect....If you were friends with this family a a friendly chat may have been in order but you're not. Kudos Mom!
Personally, if the father come over to your house and immediately apologized as soon as he had found out about this (which would have been my response, were I in his shoes), then I would have felt that yes, you should have approached him first. If it were my kid troubling other kids, I would *want* to know, and I'd be sure to give that parent my phone number so that if it happened again, they felt good about making that connection and calling me.
My guess is that you did exactly the right thing, L.. The fact that he turned things around on you suggests to me that he doesn't feel his kids are entirely responsible for their actions. The fact that, after the teacher had spoken to the children and they still continued to bother your daughter only suggests that they didn't feel they were really *caught* enough for them to change their behavior. The logical next step, the principal's office, was necessary because the children didn't feel any compunction about continuing to pick on her. You did fine.
In the case that you didn't know the parents that well, I think you handled it just fine. He was just embarrassed that his kids were talked to by the principle. He is feeling embarrassed and called out. That he then came to bring it up to you just proves his feathers were ruffled. If his kids were crying about it, why had he not come to you about it first as well? I think you did just fine, continue waving and say HI, since its all over with out incident. If it starts up again, I would def go to him first in that case.
You did the right thing. The school needs to be involved, as am impartial entity, because you never know where these things might go. Then, you have a case of "you should have said something sooner" in a neverending trail of your word against his. You nipped it right where it needed to be nipped. Now, you don't have to worry about policing him and his children as well as your own; the school can handle it.
You know how some people get into a traffic accident and one says, "Don't call the cops. Let's work it out between us"? Then, what happens? They screw you and it's too late to get the cops and insurance involved. This is BUSINESS. Always go to the school when it's a "school" incident. If it happens at your house or his, then you can work it out between you. Even if something were to happen between them at the grocery store, I would put the school on notice.
Hmm. Tough one. If you were unsure of their reaction, you did what you felt best for your kid and should make no apologies for that. Since it's over (hopefully), it's probably best to let it drop.
If it comes up again, or you just can't let it drop (I have this problem!), maybe say to the dad "I'm glad everything worked out fine, and like I said, you just never know the reactioon of parents and I didn't want to create a situation. But now that I know you'd be fine to talk to about it, if something comes up in the future I will certainly come to you. And I appreciate that you'd do the same with me". That's very nice. If he again says you should have gone to him and not the principal first, make sure to defend yourself. "I did what I felt was best at the time". End of story.
Glad it worked out.
Well now you know, I would have talked to the teacher too. Unless you are friends with the family you really don't know if you'd be putting your child in more jeopardy by involving parents. Bully's come from somewhere, maybe the parents are crazy folks.
I would have thanked him for letting me know he was approachable and that if there were any problems he could come to you.
We had a situation a couple of weeks ago. My granddaughter came home one day telling hubby that her friend was mad at her. This friend is a large girl. She wears adult clothes and is just large. They eat healthy and she is more active than our kids. She is just large around.
The story came out to be this:
Here's the cast.....lol.
Granddaughter...A
Larger friend....B
Others girls....C
"A" had been with a couple of her past soccer team friends and they (A and C) wanted to go run laps on the walking path. Then B wanted to join in. She would have kept up, enjoyed running, and might have even outdone them.
They (C) told her she (A) was not in their clique. My granddaughter did not know exactly what that meant so that is why she told hubby the story.
I was so appalled when hubby told me. I called B's mom to find out if B was upset, how she was doing, what mom wanted me to do or say to "A" about how "B" was feeling since A and C had been so ornery to her.
Mom did not know. She talked to "B" and found out about the same thing.
I told my granddaughter that saying things like "C" did was not acceptable. That she should have told them "B" was her friend and "C" could not say those kinds of things to her.
Basically standing up for a friend who was being treated not so nice.
I told "B"'s moms how I handled it and she said she didn't think they were being mean or bullying her, they just wanted to run with their old soccer friends, since "B" had not been on the team they didn't want her to join in. It seems innocent enough and could have just been a poor judgement call in how it was said out loud.
I saw one of the main girls in "C" at my grandson's soccer game the next day. I went up to them, I know them by name and from a couple of years of the girls being on the same team. I asked them if they knew there had been an incident at school on Friday. They did not respond. The stared straight ahead without acknowledging me at all. I thought WTH.
I went ahead telling them what "A" had told hubby and what "B"'s mom had said she said. I told them I didn't think it was malicious so "A" had not gotten into trouble. That I had talked to her about better ways of saying things, trying to teach compassion and kindness....
They never looked at me, never said a word.
Do I think it did any good? Maybe, I hope they didn't tear into her once I was gone, or something worse. I really have no idea. This girl is one that is usually very nice. That's why I emphasized I didn't think it was malicious.
i think both ways are fine. I probably would have tried the parents first and tried not to involve the school. From his point of view he may not want the school to look at his kids like bullies and have that in their file. A
I absolutely agree you did the right thing! the school needs to know what is happening on the bus as well and its best in their hands as they can work with families while seeing the full picture much clearer of all who is involved and can pinpoint ongoing issues to better prevent things escalating. I have brought issues on the bus to the school and it has worked out well. there is a similar acquaintance neighbor who's son an issue came up with and it was never brought up between us. i don't know if she even knows i talked to the school about her son's bus behavior, but it was nipped in the bud anyway! my son tells me he needed to sit in the front of the bus for a couple days and no other problem came up of which we are aware. that's all i know...it seems that it nipped it in the bud.
I think you did what you felt was best. There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking to the teacher about a situation occuring between your daughter and another classmate.
Some other parents would elect to talk to the parents, and that is fine too. Either way is correct.
Feel proud for standing up for your daughter. You did the right thing as a parent.
If this father comes to you again, respectfully but firmly tell him, "Well, sir, I am gald to hear that you would have come to me first, and I elected to do it differently." That's all you have to say.
IMO, the fact that this father came to you to talk about WHO you spoke to about this situation, rather than the bullying situation itself, which is really more important, says a lot. He was kinda being a bit of a bully by approaching you in that way, almost like he was trying to tell you what the right thing to do was. He has a right to an opinion, but no right to make you feel bad for what you did.
You handled it appropriately. By handling it through the school you validated what your daughter experienced and made sure that the other children had a consequence.
If he brings it up again:
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I did what I felt was best as a parent at the time. I'm sure you can understand that point of view."
How do you know the same thing wouldn't have happened if you had talked to the dad? What I mean is the principal did a good job. He talked to all the kids together, I am sure each shared their side and they found a resolution. Wouldn't the same thing have happened if all of you met and discussed it?
Thing is that no one got in trouble indicates that all of them had a part so the dad wasn't defending so much as giving you his children's side of the story. You probably should have told him what your child said to you so he would understand why you went to the principal.
You did the right thing but talking to the dad would have been just as right. I just responded so maybe seeing another side to the story will help you going forward.
