Work , Work and NO Help

My passive-aggressive answers: tell the kids to ask daddy when they want stuff & do the bare minimum until he notices.

If your husband doesn't feel that these chores are essential, "agree" with him, and stop doing them. Don't make dinner because you are helping with homework. Don't make beds, do laundry, vacuum, etc. The kids may not need a bath every day. Part of this is scaling back your expectations and standards, and part of it is not doing anything at all for HIM! Get on the computer before him, and tie it up. Do not go grocery shopping and say that you were on the computer. Don't do his laundry, and tell him you aren't going to start again. Don't let him nag you - you know how much he hates nagging, after all - LOL.

I cannot believe he doesn't want to parent his own children. He is not a hired babysitter - he is a father.

I'd also suggest that you go away for a weekend with some friends or go see your parents - anything to leave him in charge so he realizes what's involved. He doesn't think it's such a big deal for you, so why is it a big deal for HIM?

Go to bed when you need to, however, - you cannot be driving when you are sleep-deprived. Sleep in the guest room or with one of the kids if necessary (if he keeps the lights on or if the computer is in your bedroom).

The big problem is that you both have defined this as YOUR job and therefore it's up to him to decide if he wants to HELP or not. But these are family chores and therefore everyone shares the load. If you both have jobs, then you both get the same amount of time off. Perhaps he grew up with a mother who slaved and did everything, and he thinks this is "women's work"??

Seriously, constant fighting is not good for the marriage, and it's not good for the kids. I would get some couple's counseling around expectations and shared responsibilities, and also around having discussions without fighting.

1) Go to bed whenever you need to in order to get enough sleep.
2) Help the kids with their homework; that helps everyone in the long run and it needs to be done
3) Bath... if your kids are old enough, let them take a bath on their own! They can go a surprisingly long time in between hair washes, I've found, and even really little kids can wash their own bodies. As long as they're not so little they'll drown, let the kids do this on their own.
4) Dinner. What would happen if you just didn't make dinner? Feed the kids leftovers or Cheerios or whatever, and let your husband fend for himself. Whatever. Just because you have two X chromosomes doesn't mean cooking is your job. Your husband is perfectly capable of figuring out a meal, either cooking it or ordering takeout.
5) Housework. Can you hire a cleaning lady, even once every other week, to take care of the "heavy lifting?" Mopping floors, scrubbing toilets, cleaning the tub, changing sheets, etc. Money is tight for almost everybody, but if your husband isn't willing to help around the house, why should you be the only one to shoulder the load? I say, get a less expensive cable TV package, or have him cut out restaurant lunches at work, or whatever. Not your problem. Hire yourself help if nobody at home will help you!

Like good ol' Dr. Phil says, you teach people how to treat you. If you refuse to do all this stuff, he will step up - or if he doesn't, you will get the help some other way! Long ago, I realized that just because I'm a woman doesn't mean cooking, cleaning and child-rearing are my responsibility and nobody else's. Pretty early on (before kids, even), I hired a cleaning lady. My husband expressed surprise that I had done this, and I asked him sweetly, "Oh, I'm sorry, did YOU want to scrub the toilets?" He asked, "Well, isn't it kind of expensive?" to which I replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, did YOU want to scrub the toilets?" - and just kept repeating that as often as necessary until he shut up about it. ;)

Some options might be:

Go to bed early when you need to and don't stay up late with your husband.

Lower your standards for housework and just ignore the mess.

Take the weekend job, have more time and give your husband a choice between watching the kids or paying someone else to do it for him.

Go on strike: play computer games, don't cook- eat crackers and peanut butter for dinner, forget about homework and bathing and see what that looks like for you and your husband.

I think you need to have a real sit down with your husband to real talk about the roles you each want to do in the house and the budget.

Easier said than done right? but at least then you would both know what the other is thinking. if you are both working outside the house you need to have a fair division of labor. Bring a long paper and pen and really talk about it, no emotion involved and be ready to be flexible.
Don't tkae the part time job with out hasing it out first! It will just end up being more work for you!

1. Do what you need to do to be healthy. Eat and sleep when it makes sense. Don't stay up with your husband any longer. If the computer is in the bedroom, then move it to the living room.

2. Have a written schedule for chores including homework. Assign chores based on who likes to do what. Your husband must be included in the chore chart. Computer time and other free play things are privileges that are earned both for him and the kids.

3. Homework is non-negotiable. Make sure that you're giving the kids space to do their homework and you're available for advice, and that you're not doing it for them. They don't get free time until it's done.

4. If you have all of these things written down and you sign off on them as a family, it's a contract. That way he can't accuse of you nagging. And if he slacks off, or anyone slacks off, you can just refer to the chart. Have rewards in the form of free time when three chores per person are checked off per day. At the end of the week if everyone has done the majority of their chores then you can do something as a family that's a lot of fun.

Most importantly you two need some marriage counseling. You're not communicating. How can you be happy if you're not really talking with each other?

Tell him you will have to quit working because you need to get things done and you need sleep.How to save money if you do? Oh, yeah, you could cut the computer...hmmm...but I like all the answers here.

I feel your pain and concern. Unlike you, I want to go back to school now and need him to step up and watch the kids when I have to go to class once a week. He hasn't said he doesn't want to, but I know he doesn't because he can't half take watching the kids when I am here. It is disappointing because I need his support and I have been there for him through the years. I hate that men act like babysitters when they are fathers. Upsetting. I would say if you are not getting help, cut back on all the heavy burdens. He needs to see how this is affecting you. They simply don't get it.

On one hand I see your struggle. Seems like this is normal for all the men I've known in my life. But on the other hand, what would it be like if you "nag" him until he divorces you? Or what if you leave him? Then you would have to do it all.

It's too bad he feels this way and especially about the weekends. But I've seen it so often through the years in my daycare. I have a great many kids come through on the weekends because dad can't be bothered.

The only advice I can offer is to be extremely fair in your over all scorekeeping. Even though love isn't supposed to keep score. But if you are going to, be fair about it. Is there anything he does that you are taking for granted? Does he fix things around the house? Does he keep you happy and satisfied? Is he friendly, decent, at least picks up his own shoes? Does he mow the lawn and clean the garage? Is his job more physical than yours, more stressful, longer hours than yours?

As far as him keeping you up. That's your choice. I don't allow my husband to keep me up. I have always had to fight for the right to SLEEP what little I get to.

What the He%^ He helped make those children. What if you died tomorrow? Then he'd hae to raise his children. GRRRRR

Do what makes you happy. If you can get the dishes done tonight great, if not then they sit for a day or so and you can do them when you have time.

Personally I would be very passive agressive about the whole thing and quit doing anything for him, then start makeing mine chicken, he will not touch chicken. He knows when I serve chicken that he has been a very bad boy and better shape up or it will be a week of the bird.
Plus he gets no sex.

So do you work too?
You said you get up for work at 3:00am.

Regardless, your Husband has to grow up and be a Man.
He is not a Teenager.
Ugh.

You are right.

HE is a Man, HE is a Husband, HE is a Dad, HE lives in that house, TOO.
Thus, HE is responsible for ALL of those things, TOO.
Plain fact.

Being a Man and a Husband and a Dad... is NOT something you 'choose' to do or not, everyday. You just do it.
Because, you are an Adult, and that is what Adults do.
You just do, what you have to and should and need to and because, you are a PART of a family. Being a part of a family, is not a part-time thing. You decided to get married, decided to have kids, decided to be a Dad and Husband... so tell your Husband, to just DO it.

AND you need time off too.
Just do it.
And yes, that means, HIM watching the kids.
Kids are not just a hobby. It is his job too. He is a parent. ALL THE TIME. 24/7.

SHOW HIM, all of your responses.

Sorry, I don't have any empathy for him.

HE does not decide, when or if he will watch the kids. He is a Dad and Husband. So be one.
That is what I would tell him.

And sure, nag him.
Or, make a poster of things he has to do daily, and post it up on the wall.
Just like you would do for a kid.
If he acts like a kid, treat him like one.
He is NOT, acting like an Adult, nor a responsible one.

Good luck,
Susan

That sucks! I'm sorry hon. If you're both working than the household chores and care of the children NEEDS to be split 50/50. Otherwise you are working 2 full-time jobs. Not fair. If he doesn't agree to split the "home-work" 50/50, than tell him that you have to quit your 3am job because the home-work is more important and won't go away and you can't work 2 jobs ;)

My husband and I just had our first counseling session today for pretty much the same reasons. He will play on the computer 12+ hours a day foregoing sleep, time with the kids, pretty much EVERYTHING else!!!! Then when I ask him for help, like your husband, he says I'm "nagging" unbelievable right?! I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm optimistic that counseling will help us, maybe it could help you too :). You do NOT deserve to be treated like this!