Working Moms - Los Angeles,CA

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I've always worked (my daughter is now 9 years old) and I won't lie and tell you it's always been easy. I've been fortunate that for that last several years I've been able to work from home a lot and have a good amount of flexibility. But it's still a juggling act. Just rest assured that in my experience, knowing moms who work FT, moms who work PT, and moms who stay home, there is no one right answer and no one group has happier, more well-adjusted children than the other. The best thing you can do for yourself, your son, and your husband is to do the best you can and give yourself time to adjust to your new lifestyle. Cut yourself some slack and don't expect that you can "do it all" -- focus on simplifying your life and frankly, lower your expectations. Your son is very young and you're new to motherhood. I promise you that in another year or so you'll have found a rhythm and will find more peace with your circumstances, IF you don't beat yourself up in the mean time! My own mother worked (because she had to for financial reasons) and I have so much respect for her. I don't ever remember resenting her when I was young. And I had friends with stay-at-home moms who were hardly candidates for Mom of the Year! It has nothing to do with working or not working. It has to do with being your kid's mom. Besides, what a lucky boy to have Daddy home with him! Just think about the benefits of that and pat yourself on the back for the gift you're giving your husband and son. I know it's not easy and you will feel sad and guilty. (Kids have a way of making you feel sad and guilty quite a lot, by the way, so get used to it!) But if you can put your negative emotions in check and remind yourself of the positives (and don't assume that staying home 24/7 would be some magical journey), then you can stop fretting and just settle in to this. Good luck and I wish you many years of happy motherhood ahead!

Hi J.,
I feel your pain! :( I am sad often when I think about the time I'm away from my children. My girls are 2 and 5 and sadly I've had to work since they were born. With my first I went back to work when she was 5wks old and with second when she was 8 wks old. I was very depressed about it. Like you we can't afford for me not to work. What often helps me cope is knowing that if I didn't go to work everyday my childre would have no place to lay their little heads at night or food to fill their bellies. It also helps that my hubby often sends me pics or videos on my phone of things the girls are doing througout the day. Sometimes that makes me more sad because I end up wishing I could be there in person. But for the most part it gets me by just enough until I get home to spend a little bit of time with them. Good luck to you. I know its hard and not always easy but you have to remember that you are doing the best you can to provide for your kids.

J.,

I'm no longer a mom of an infant, but I did work when both my girls were babies, still do. One thing I did, selfish of me, but whatever, was extend their bed time. I'd put them down between 9-9:30 and they'd sleep for the night. I rarely worked OT, only in HAVE to situations. I also co-slept with them when they were babies. It made me feel closer to my babies. I had the luxury at the time too, to work only 4 days a week. Having a great dc certainly helped as well. I never worried about my house during that first 1.5 to 2 years. My main priority was quality time with my kids while they were awake. If there was laundry on my couch, so be it. It'd be there when the baby was asleep, it'd be there tomorrow.

I hate working, hated leaving my babies! But, knowing that I had no choice other then to work, I tried to make the best of it. My daughters are now 14 and 8 and I still miss them every day.

I also delayed my kids bed time to 9:30pm - 10pm to be able to spend more time with them, and co-slept with both. I have a 3 1/2 girls and 18 month old boy. My boy still sleeps with me (still breastfeeding too). I think it makes a difference now, because I have time to wine down from a hard day at work, and play with them once I'm relaxed. My daughter will start pre-k on Sept. but its from 10-2pm, so their late bedtime is still not a problem. I am hoping to leave earlier from work when the time comes for them to be early risers.
I also try to do the most out of the weekends - don't take work home. What I do is to get to work extra early if I'm busy, or if I must I stay overtime during the week, but my weekends are sacred - all about the kids.
Hope this helps.
C..

Hi J.,
I know the feeling. I became a first time mom several years ago and still feel like it was just yesterday. With three boys, two were eleven months apart and were two and three at the time, and the youngest was just a few months old. It was three times the diaper, three times the formula, my husband was the only source of income, I started working, and going to school at night. It was so hard for me because I left the house at early morning while they are still sleeping, I come home and they are all asleep since school after work ends at ten at night, so coming home was another exhauted thing. Luckily, we pulled together as a team and managed to do what we can till our boys started school. It sure was a relief :). Yes, that bondage is tight, but economically, we needed to pull together tight as a team and sacrifice some things for the family. You got a good job, and your husband can play the home mom which there are a lot of Dads out there now that do just as much a great job at home as well in taking care of the children :)

Hi J.,
I work full-time and I love my job. I went back to work 6 mos after each of my daughter's birth. The first time I went back, I was very sad to leave her. Around the corner near my work was a day care and every morning I drive by, I think of my baby and miss her terribly. But it was comforting to know that she was being well-cared for by grandma who adores her. I work 8hrs/day and had to pump milk at lunch everyday. And I did this until each of them was a yr old. It was hard, but I persevered. I have fairly hyper active kids who stay up late so I was able to spend more awake time with them. Also, we co-sleep so I have all night and the early morning bonding time. And of course night time nursing. The drawback was I usually had to wake up in the middle of the night to do my chores. I survived on 5 hrs of sleep a night for a long, long time. It helps a lot that I love my job and I'm doing fascinating work that keeps me pretty occupied during the day.
You've gotten some very good suggestions already. Also, we dedicate one weekend day to just spending time with the kids. Chores, we do on the other weekend day.
As he gets older, he will be less tired in the evening and can interact more with you. Plus with a hubby at home, hopefully you won't have too many weekend chores and can spend more time with your baby.
Good luck.

I really feel for you J.. There are a lot of us out there I'm sure. I went back to work when my daughter was 3 1/2 months old and I was absolutely devastated. I cried the whole first day, but it did get better as time went on. My husband watches her 2 1/2 days a week and we have a nanny 2 1/2 days a week and this schedule suits us just fine for the moment. Although I do miss my daughter terribly, I do appreciate my time away from the house and I can "be myself" again at work. I have pictures and video of her on my computer at work and can look at them if I miss her too much. I do wish that I could spend more time with her and join a mommy/toddler group or something, but we can't afford for me not to work either.

I work a full time job and a part time job. I wouldn't have it any other way. I guess that makes me a bad mommy, or something. I don't feel sad when I'm at work. I don't miss my son (who is now 6). I have been working since he was 6 weeks old, and going back to work was the best feeling ever for me. I felt like a functioning part of the family again, and I desperately needed the break from the baby. I'm sure this is not what most of the other mommys will post or think, but it's my life and I wouldn't change it even if we had enough money to stay home. :) I spend time with my son after work every day and make sure we spend time reading and doing homework together. So far he is normal and well adjusted.

I stayed home with my baby girl until she was four months then I went back to work. I cried EVERY DAY for two months when I would drop her off at the babysitters. It's gotten a lot easier, she's 14 months now. I too only have three hours with her during the week (5-8pm). I feed her, play with her then bathe her. That is my favorite time of the day, when I get to bathe her. Seeing her wet with her head wrapped in a towel reminds me of the first time I saw her after she was born. I had a c-section. I talk to her, sing to her, play with her, massage her while putting lotion on her body and stay with her until she falls asleep. Many times I fall asleep with her, which sometimes frustrates me because I have a lot to do at home, and frustrates my husband because he wants time with me, but she is my priority and it only happens sometimes. It's quality time that counts in my book.

Can your husband meet you for lunch from time to time with the baby? Can the baby take a nap a little later in the day so that she's not so tired when you get home? Can the baby stay up later than usual to spend time with you? How flexible is your work schedule?

Consider yourself lucky that at least one of you gets to stay home with the baby. Both my husband and I work 50 hour weeks. Good luck!

i know this is hard. i also work and have a 7mo old. the best advice i can give you is to change your baby's scheduel to work with yours. have him go to bed late (9pm) so you have plenty of fun time with him when you get home. since DAD is at home, he can change the baby's scheduel to be 9am to 9pm awake time. or you can wake up extra early and do the same.
good luck!!

Hi J., I'm with ya...
I work in a Jr. High so at least I have summers and holidays off and can do my best to get out of there by 4 pm. There really is no way for me to just "not work" or work at home either... at least not in the next few years!

It is very hard. It helps that my daughter is at the Grandmas when I am at work- I know she is well taken care of and building a good bond with them. It hurts that they get some real quality time during the day with her and I don't, but I really cherish the whole evening routine now (she is 2) since that is my time with her. She "helps" me make dinner, we all sit at the table for a meal together, we take a walk before bathtime, then bath, books, cuddling in the rocking chair and singing. She is finally in bed around 9 or 10 at the latest. Then of course the hubby needs some TLC. There is no evening time "to myself" really, to watch TV or whatever, but that's ok, quality time with her is what I'd rather do in the evenings.
7 months is a hard age. You really don't get much confirmation from the kid that they miss you or feel attachment to you or need you when you come home at that age... It will get better- you'll feel like your time together is more meaningful as he gets older. Even if he only sees you 3 hours a day, he's still going to want his mommy. You'll see as he gets older that he knows there is only one MOM. Plus, it's still "quality time" even if he is falling asleep in your arms and you are relaxing at the end of your long day.

Of course it feels bad. No loving , and new mom wants to leave her baby, especially for work; also when inside of us we think that the man should be doing that kind of work, not us. Do you see what I am saying?
On the side: when we (if you are a believer- christian) marry, we promise , whether we understand it at the time or later, to be not just the friend, and the lover, but a HELP-MATE. that implies that we are or will become capable to hold the marriage at any needed time. Just as we hold a baby, we are to also "hold" the husband , FOR THE TIME NEEDED. what do I mean with this? That just as you go to work because is needed for the good of the whole household (your household), you will also keep encouraging your husband to get a good job he can hold and enjoy.
A job we enjoy will motivate us to progress in it; we might start gaining little but since we "like" what we are doing, we will progress in it and the money will also increase, until the time comes when you are no longer required to do so.
Keep looking UP (to heaven)!

I'm a single mom of a 9-month-old boy, and I have to say that I think it would be considerably harder to be a stay-at-home mother. I work full-time, and sometimes I wish that it could be just a few hours less a week so I could have more time with the kiddo. But really, I find weekends to be exhausting and I feel like I can barely get anything done when I'm caring for him.
But that's probably because I'm doing this all by myself, and have been since before he was born. By the time my six-week maternity leave was over, I was SO ready to hand him off to someone else to watch while I went to work.
I think if I could work 30 hours a week, that would be perfect. I feel I could get a lot more done at the house and spend more time with him. But I don't find any sadness or guilt, I just try to spend good time with him.
He's always thrilled when I pick him up from daycare, and when we get home I'll roll around and play with him for 15 or 20 minutes and we love it.

Hi J....I have been in the same boat. My son is now 20 months and I have been the full-time worker since he was about 4 months. My husband and I had agreed that he would be a SAHD when I was pregnant because I had the better income and the more established career. That was how I wanted it. But when my little guy was born I had NO IDEA how much my feelings would change!! I was miserable at work and angry at my husband and generally a mess. What got me through was him bringing my son for lunch nearly everyday for several months. I was able to nurse him and hold him during his awake hours. Now my job hours fluctuate (sometimes day, sometimes night) so I did have some mornings with him, which was lucky for us. Then in May I lost my full time job! I started cosmetology school and now am doing that and working 2 jobs. So it's worse now as far as almost never seeing my little guy.

Some things we've done help me feel more connected to him. For one, we co-sleep because I just need to have him physically close to me. I lay with him at night to go to sleep, but also cuddle and play with him in the morning when we wake up. That is my favorite time. I also usually was the one to get up and get his breakfast together, feed him, get him dressed, etc. That has been our time. And I would suggest that when you are home, being there 100% helps. Sometimes I have to force myself away from the computer or from chores and just BE with him. We go to the park and just play. My house is a disaster mind you, but that's okay! He won't be this young forever!

The upside of all of this is that my son has the most incredible relationship with his father. And I know he's always in the best hands :)

Hang in there mama! I know how hard it is.

Hi J., I clearly understand how you feel, being a mom who did work full time up until 4 yrs ago. We did sacrafice a lot to keep me at home for all the great reasons you already want. So, to supplement my husband's income I looked for ways to bring money home. There is a way for you to start earning more money now to allow you to be home with your child? You have a desire right now that will motivate you to get you home. Let's talk. Email me at ____@____.com with your phone number so we can chat. I promise not to waste your valuable time. Just hear me out. Hope to hear from you soon.

I've just recently gone back to work and I agree - not the most fun thing in the world. I like my job and make a good living as well. Although I'm fortunate enough to only be on a reduced schedule. My boss was super cool about it (she's a mom to young kids as well) and my husband's salary makes it less stressful. Maybe you can talk to your company about shifting your hours around a little bit. Maybe some days you can go in a little later, so you can have that cuddly morning time (which is my absolutely FAVE time!!) Or can you cut back an hour a day? Or work 4 10s so that you can have a day off a week? Speak to the HR director at your company and see what sort of options you have.

But in the meantime, take lots of pictures and videos and post them on a website that you can check out during the day. And have your husband text you pictures so you can see what's going on during the time you are away!

Hi J.,
I feel your pain. I too am a full time working mommy. I went back to work when my son was 3 months old. His father and I split up the day I went back to work. I am now a single mom, working 3 jobs- one full time M-F 8-5 and two part time on the weekends. I, like you, get just a few hours durring the week before it's bed time and then just a few hours on the weekends between the other two jobs. I sadly have to work this much because my sons father has no income what so ever and I have been paying all expenses for my son since Jan and now am in debt- daycare is expensive. I am sad a lot as well. It's hard but it will get better. Spend as much time as you can with him on the weekends. Since your husband has him durring the week, you could start a Saturday or Sunday mommy and me time, doing anything with your son just the two of you and letting your husband have a break- my son and I love going to Starbucks and getting coffee (his is vanilla milk) and then we sit outside by the fountain and throw pennies- we decorated a penny jar together and he gets rewarded in pennies for doing his chores and being a good boy at school and we can sit for hours throwing pennies, it's our little thing that we do together just the two of us and it's great! Make every moment count, even if it's just laying next to him while he falls asleep at night- he'll know you're there. Try not to bring home the stress of the day at work with you- I know that's easier said then done and be happy when you are with your son. He can sense when you aren't happy or stressed. I've also found that even though I'm tired and want to get to bed as soon as he falls asleep that instead of rushing home and cleaning, doing laundry and all the other chores, I wait till he is in bed and then start the daily household stuff so that those few hours I have with him are with him and not running around the house. It's extremely hard being a working mommy, but it will get better and just keep remembering that you are working this hard to give your son a good life. He knows that you love him! Hang in there it will get better. If you want someone to talk to or vent send me an email =)
Take care,
H.

J.,
You are not alone. I work for a non-profit organization with mostly women, many of whom are mothers. I, like many of my colleagues, wish we could be sahms but that is not the case. - know some women who even like having a job that keeps them connected to the professional world. Yet most of us still complain about not being there for our young children during the precious years. Unfortunately work is just a reality of our lives. As your child gets older he will stay awake longer during the day so you can spend more time with him. My son is now turning 18 mos. And we make the most of family dinnertime, bathtime, and storytime before bed M-F. Then we enjoy the weekends!

Good luck to you and know that things will change. Be glad you can afford to have a sahd!

hang in there, J.! It's really tough to go back to work, and the separation anxiety is certainly just as strong for the moms as it is for the babies. I had friends with kids, but somehow no one ever told me how tough it was to go back to work -- as far as I knew they all just did it. But once you're there and you talk to other moms you see everyone has a hard time.

I pumped for about 14 months, and I would always put on a slideshow of photos of my daughter during my scheduled pumping time(blocked out on my calendar!). Pictures were always very important for me.

It will take time, but it will get better. There will even be days --when the baby wears you out-- when you look forward to going to work to get a break! Just be sure to really be there and "present" in the moment when you are with your son. Make the most of the time you have when you are together.

all the best!

Oh, J.. Do not worry, you are CLEARLY in the company of MANY working moms. Guilt is normal. AND it is healthy! I would worry more if you didn't feel that way. The reality is most people have to work now, especially with this economy. Just spend all the quality time you can with your little ones, and believe me that special quality time will be all that much more important to them than, say, a stressed out SAHM just trying to make ends meet because of your "sacrifice". Kids prefer happy parents in the long run. My son is four, and I work MORE than full time, but my goal is to transition at some point to less of a demanding work schedule once he is, say a preteen. THAT's when all the trouble begins if there is no consistent parental involvement (just my opinion). So, perhaps set goals for yourself for that point in time, and right now just love and enjoy every moment you can with your little angels, and know that you are doing a very important job in supporting your family. Big hug to you.

J., I understand how hard this must be for you. I went back to work after maternity leave. I was actually planning to train for 6 weeks for a work at home job. It would have worked out except that my girlfriend just could not handle my newborn and her toddler all day long. But in a way, I was kind of relieved because I was very emotional being away from her all day for training. Plus, I was nursing so you can imgagine the other layers of complication this added to the situation.

All in all, I did not like working at the time but I feel a little more confident about doing so now that she is 19 months. I think I could handle part time work at this point but even that makes me nervous and this is a constant discussion that my husband and I have.

Suggestions: Can you possibly go in a little earlier, cut your lunch in half or get off earlier to get home sooner? Do you work in a place that would give you a 4/10 work week so you could work 4 days at 10 hours a day and have a 3 day weekend? If you have a boss and you feel comfortable discussing this issue, I would do it. You could be surprised at his/her response. Maybe your boss can relate and you both could work something out. Just had a flashback to a Sex and the City episode when Miranda was in this same situation. That is just a show but her outcome could be yours (she managed to work a little less and be home a little more). I am sending well wishes your way. I hope this helps and I hope your situation changes so you don't have to feel this way! :O)

I think it is crazy that men don't go through the same guilt that women go though. If the situations were reversed then your husband would probably be fine with it.
I was a SAHM, but three years home with the kids was driving me crazy and I NEEDED to go back to work. For me. But I had the time I needed to get over my kids being away from me.
They kids love their daddy, but you dont really see it until after a year, mostly they just want the one they know who is there the most often. right now it is going to be daddy. But it will change and grow. My oldest (3) loves daddy and want him to put her to bed at night and she went from hating just being away from my arms at 5-14m. You will be a wonderful mother. I connect with my youngest by still nursing her at night. During the day she eat what she eats at day care, but when she gets home and b4 she goes to bed with sit and nurse, sometimes 30m.
Or we take them out and play around ( but the youngest is 1 so she can walk)
Everything will change again as it often does. and soon your son will not be so cranky (we only have 3hrs of awake time as well) 830 bedtime.

I hear you! I work full time and have a 4 year old and 11 month old. I would be a stay at home mom in a minute if we could afford it, but we can't.

I'm transitioning to real estate so that I can have more flexible hours and work from home. I'm tired of leaving my house every morning at 7a and not getting home until after 6p.

It's hard...I've been where you are and still have days like that. You get used to it for the most part. Try and find ways to make life at home easier...I have someone clean my house every two weeks and have groceries delivered from vons.com so I have more time to enjoy my kids and husband. I also am very strict about leaving work on time and not doing dinners and other meetings in the evenings and weekends...something that's not always popular, but oh well! I'm a little tired of people saying, yes, family is the most important thing and then being pissed off when you actually try and put them first.

So!! Stand your ground on your priorities, make them known, don't be timid about them...be organized, let go of the little things and enjoy the time you have with your kids! That's the best we can do!!!

And...remind yourself when you pick them up from daycare, school or come home at the end of the day, they are happy! They are healthy and that's the most important thing.

Good luck! You're not alone!

-M

J., you are singing my tune!! I went back to work when my daughter was three months. At first it didn't seem so bad, but as the months wore on, I felt worse and worse about it. I cried at work. I felt like I was abandoning her. And then I felt that just plain old normal horrible feeling of a mommy being separated from her baby - NORMAL. We aren't supposed to be away from our little muffins, it makes SENSE that we would have physical and emotional withdrawals! However, after about a year, I started to feel better. I think my hormones were still all out of whack. Now I feel better and more confident. She stays up a little later and we have a little more quality time. Now she's getting to the age where we are going to put her in pre-school a few mornings a week, and it's like I made it through the hard part. She will have her thing and I will have mine (AND my SAHM mommy friend is having a MUCH harder time with pre-school than I am, I'm already emotionally prepared! So you have to deal with it at some point anyway.) My daughter is happy and confident and she and I have a great relationship. I don't think I've messed her up :) Hang in there, it's going to get easier.

Hi J.,
My son is going to be 7 years old next month and I have always had to work full time because my husband is an independent producer and he doesn't work all the time. I also felt extremely guilty about working even though my husband was home with my son most of the time. But I have no choice at this point so I do it.

I put my son in daycare 1 or 2 days a week when he was 2 months old to get him used to it because he would have to be in day care full time when my husband could not work from home. I cried my eyes out the first day but he had fun with all the kids there and he was happy. When I came home at 6:30 pm, I had about 2 hours with him before we put him to bed. I spent every second of that time with him, holding him, playing, etc. I also spent as much time as I could on the weekends with him. I couldn't wait to get home to him and I still can't wait to see him at night. And although I felt guilty - he was happy. He had his dad with him most days or his grandparents or the daycare provider who loved him and his mom's full attention when she was home. When he was 3 he started full time preschool. He's now starting 2nd grade.

Last month he said, "Mommy, how come you spend all your free time at work?" He doesn't understand that I spend all my free time with him. He still doesn't like that I work even though he's in school and karate lessons and science class during the day and Dad still picks him up most of the time. I try to explain that I work so we can pay for our house and food and toys and insurance. He sort of understands that but he loves the days when I can pick him up from school.

And despite the fact that I'm with him the least, he wants to be with me the most. If we are somewhere with 2 cars - he wants to ride with mommy. If we are at a restaurant - he has to sit with mommy. If we are on a ride at Disneyland - he has to sit with mommy. He almost never sleeps in his own bed... he always sleeps with us and usually he is squished up against me with his big feet under my legs and his head pushing me off the pillow.

You're doing what you have to do for your family. The guilt never truly goes away but you learn to live with it because you are doing the responsible thing. Your son will still love you and want to be with you. You are giving him quality time when you're with him and that's what he'll remember. I am a little jealous that my husband gets to see him more than I do but I also know my husband is a better 'stay at home mom" than I would be. My husband cooks and cleans... I don't do either of those things. My son goes shopping with my husband and they pick out food and make dinner together, play ball, work on karate, and my husband is friends with all the school moms and does play dates. I get to play board games and video games and read and do bath and bedtime (and I watch all the Power Rangers shows and Hannah Montanta and Zach and Cody and all the other kids shows). My son knows that when Daddy is away - we get cereal for dinner or go out for pizza - because mommy can only cook eggs and cereal.

I know your son is still young and that's the hardest time to be away from him but he's in good hands with your husband. In the good old days the dads got to feel guilty while the moms were at home. It's the same thing really when dad is at home and mom is working. Your son is home with a loving parent and that's what counts. There is just a lot of pressure on moms to be home and it's not always an option. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty about working. Providing a home and food for your son is just as important as "being home" with him.

I hope this helps. I know I was rambling a little. Good luck. It does get better.

Hi J.,
I am a full time mother as well. My daughter is almost 2, but I returned to work when she was 1 1/2 months old. I wish I could be home with my kids, but it's not possible. Fortunately, dad can be home with him. I get through my days and am so excited to go home to see my kids. The best advice I can give you is to make the time you have with him really good, no matter how short it is. Plan vacation time if possible to devote to just family time. It's harder when they're younger because they seem to nap more, but just wait until he get a little older. He won't sleep as long and you'll have more time to spend with your little man. If I really miss my kiddos, I take a personal day from work and plan a fun filled day with them.

First, you should feel great and thankful that your baby is in the loving arms of your hubby! good for the two of you doing what is best for your son.
My advice to was going to be check with your employer about a possible schedule change. More companies are willing to do flex time or telecommuting. Do a little research to see if this would save the company any money, then there is incentive on both sides.
There is always the option of looking into a different company that may be more family friendly.
Have your hubby email you photos during the day of the baby and call to "talk" with your son. Can hubby meet you on lunch breaks some days? Maybe even look into Skype.

There's a GREAT board, that gets mentioned from time to time on this site, that's just for working mum's (vs here, where you just get all of us wonderful/goddess of patience in training mums..regardless of our work situ.). Anyone know it, without me poking around in the archives??? (Gawd I wish there was a decent "search" option here).

I worked and went to school when my son was that age...but I did most of it while my son was asleep...only had to get 4-8 hours covered a week while he was awake. I do NOT really recommend that, btw. 3 hours of sleep a night *max* for over a year = legally insane. :) The smiley is because I no longer have to (or am even *capable*) of that anymore. But like you...I had no choice at the time. It was what had to be done. Doesn't make it any easier.

Good on daddy for being able to stay home...my son's dad was gone from 5am-10pm M-F, and noon-2am on weekends for 3 years. So it was basically just me. You and your baby are really really lucky to actually be able to partner-parent. :) :) :) :) Very lucky little boy indeed to have his whole days filled with mummy & daddy.

J.,

I was in your shoes having to go back to work fulltime, as much as 10 hours per day when I returned to work following a 4 month maternity leave. I only saw my son at 7pm at night but he would go to bed by 8pm and when I left for work in the morning he was still asleep. I was let go from work only 8 weeks after that, and for the last 9 months have been a SAHM which was not planned. But I can tell you that I know what it's like to do both...be a fulltime working mom when my baby was very young, and also be a SAHM while he is young (but I did watch him grow from 6-15 months since being let go from work). Being a SAHM has definitely been much more rewarding that having to work because he and I have had invaluable bonding time and I have been home to witness his milestones (learning to crawl, stand up, take his first assisted walking steps, eat solid foods, etc).
I recommend, if your boss allows and you have computer access, to get SKYPE downloaded on your work computer so that you can check in during your breaks and lunchtime hour to see what he is up to and to talk to him from your computer. It will have to be downloaded on your home computer as well, and you will need a camera, and whoeever is watching him during the day will have to put him near your computer at scheduled times for your daily visit. Atleast it is better than nothing and it will make a difference to you and your child to have that face to face visit each day, or atleast every couple of days, while you are at work.

J.,

I didn't read the other responses but I wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. I worked f/t and went to school p/t, I was 21 when I had my first son and 25 when I had my second and I felt very quilty that I was not there for them but the time I did/do spend is quality time with them. Things don't get easier when it comes to the quilt (my kids are now 11 and 6). I do little things that they love. When they were small I took the mommy and me classes in the weekends or afternoon, now that they are older I take a day off just to spend a day with them at school, try to go to all of their field trips and are very involved in their lives (boys scouts, martial arts, sports etc.). I don't have a lot of vacation time left after the year is over (I try to keep just one week or two just in case) but I do take half days here and there to spend time with them. I teach my kids about money and how much things cost, they come to work with me when they can so that they can see that it's not that I don't want to be a stay at home mom but that I can't and that I work for them. My kids are wonderful and have never had an issue where they say that I was not their for them. Just keep in mind that you do what is best for the whole family at that time and for that you should not feel quilty, just enjoy the time you have with your son it is about quality not quantity time spent.

Hi J.!
I hear you! Like many, I too work full time and since I am a single mommie - there is no option for us. I have been very blessed with an awesome daycare that is only 2 miles away. My daughter (2 1/2 now) has been there since she was 3 1/2 months. Thankfully, I would go see her daily at lunch time for an hour, that helped in the fact that I only felt like I was away from her for 4 hours at a time. Evenings are tough too, home by 5 or 530, dinner, bath, ready for bed, etc. I treasure those 3 hours we have (even when she is crabby)....and the best part is that it is quality time for both of us. It will get better (not sure ever easier, but better). Instead of focusing on the time you are missing, treasure the prescious minutes you have with him. Hang in there, you are feeling totally normal. PS...there are mornings (now that we are entering the "trying 3's", that I am so thankful to be dropping her off for the day!) Email me if you ever need to scream, cry or just vent!
T.

You are not alone! It is so hard to be a working mom. Your feelings are totally normal, but the reality is that many of us need to work. I own my own business and in these economic times I am going to work to keep my business afloat and receive no paycheck.

I did just recently change my schedule to get home a half hour earlier so I now have 3 1/2 hours with the kids before they go to sleep. The evening fussiness will get better as your baby gets older and you will be able to have more quality evening time. Is there any way you can go in earlier and get off earlier? Or go in later so you have some morning time? Not sure of what type of job you have, but have you inquired about a work from home day?

Hi J.,
I have a somewhat similar situation in that I have a 14-month old son and my husband quit his freelancing job to stay at home. I work full time but since I start at 7AM, I get out a bit earlier than most. I had the same feelings as you; I was jealous of my husband for being able to see the milestones each day, guilty that "mom" wasn't staying home (and surprised that an independent, career woman such as myself would suddenly feel it is the mommy who is "supposed" to stay home),etc. I compensated by encouraging my husband to do his "guy" things on Saturdays - hang out with his brothers, work on his car, see his friends. My son and I took baby dance classes, wen to the park, had play dates, ran errands, visited grandparents. Then on Sunday we had family time and spent it playing with our son or having outings. My time with him on Saturdays became our special time. I found my time with him was very different when Daddy was not around - I can't quite explain it. It meant so much that it was just my son and I. It warmed my heart...

You've had so many great responses here. Since you specifically asked for how to make peace with your situation, I'll share how I did that exact thing: remind yourself that he is under the BEST of care, that you are doing everything necessary, that it very well may not be permanent (anything can change). My doctor's advice when I shared how sad I was, was to tell me to take a day or two off to find out what they (hubby and baby) do while you're away. She said I would probably find that I wasn't missing much. She was right; I didn't feel as guilty afterward. I found that since my son took two long naps during the day, the actual face time my husband got with our son was only two hours more than what I got.

Can you take vacation days here and there? Go in earlier and get out earlier? Take a longer lunch to spend with hubby and baby and get out later when baby's mood isn't as great?

Something we are in the process of doing so that I might have an option of reducing my hours in the future, is paying down all of our debt. We are getting rid of my leased car in December and I'll drive a paid-off, used car, we reduced our cable from $70/month to $19/month, we got rid of the house phone line and only use our cells, and we eat at home unless we can feed both of us for under $10 (it can be done!). There are more things but the list is too long for this response and it's not really what you were asking for! :)

I know it's not easy. The feelings can be overwhelming. Just know that you are doing the BEST for your family and you are a wonderful mommy. If the feelings are too much, don't rule out talking to your doctor. I had depression two months after going back to work (when my son was 5 months old). She wanted to put me on meds but I pushed for more tests. Turns out it was a vitamin D deficiency. Who knew?

Best of everything to you,
C.

Hi Mom
Cherish the time you have with your son and know that you are doing the best for your family Trust me when I tell you that there will be plently of time for bonding and special times together as your son continues to grow and flourish Income and benefits(medical) are a must!!! If you talk read sing to him he will know your voice your scent your comfort He will know you are his mother and feel your love my son dose'nt remember diaper changes bottle feedings cleaning up vomit etc the times as a baby I just held him amd marvled at the wonder of him he does remember the big fuss I made about the first day of school (pre-school kindergarten etc)) he does remember I was there for every football and basketball game how I came up with ways to make every birthday celebration special how I hepled with homework projects boyscouts girls the best is yet to come Dont' waste time feeling guilty you are doing your best for his future and there are many many more milestones first's incredible times conversations love and growth to share

This is the enternal conflict of moms. NO matter what a mom does there is often at least a small part that wants to be doing something else. Plus right now with the job market most of us are stuck with what we have. I think that you need some balance. It will probably be a long road and a work in progress. What kind of work do you do and what kind did your husband do? is it possible to job share so that you split the work/home life. Can your hubby get part time work and you begin to work part time? Of course if the benefits change with that it messes up a lot.

After I had my second I was finally able to get my dream schedule. My husband and I work for the same employer so we have it worked out. He works 6am-230pm M-F. I work M & Th. 3p-9p. And T/W 930a-6p. My girls have a babysitter when we are both working T/W. We both have weekends off and I have fridays off except for 1 per month.

See if you can find something to help balance yourself. Of course you are craving time with your little one And need to find some way to squeeze in a little more time. What is your work policy for days off? Could you take a Half day every other week? Or a full day once a month? Maybe there is some things you can take home so you can leave early and work on it after the little one is in bed? Can hubby and baby meet you for lunch? maybe an extended lunch and you'll stay a little late. Many employers are offering class or "counseling" on work life balance. Traditional workplaces are becoming non existant as employers get more out of their employees when they are happy and have flexibility. Go to your HR department and see what resources you have. Let them know that you are committed to your company but that you have a new baby and need time together as well and want to find a way to do both.

I Hope it all works out for you!

Hi J.,
I have an 8 month old daughter and I work 3 days a week and hate leaving her even those 3 days AND she even goes to the day care at my work so I can see her at my lunch. But, it's not the same as being home with her. I am considering joining a Mommy and Me class for working Moms. You are at least fortunate that your baby gets to stay home with Daddy. It's great that he has at least one parent caring for him. My brother did that too and don't worry, they were still huge Mommy fans! Hang in there!

I am a working mom. I am a teacher and going back to work after the summer off. I feel sad too but like you said it doesn't help anything. What makes me feel better is that my daughter is with my sister. You are lucky that your husband is at home with her. If my husband was with my daughter I know I would be jealous but I would feel less guilt than I do even though she is with my sister. Just know that moms are the most important person to their little ones...even if your time during the week is limited. Hang in there...

Hi J.,
I'm also a working mommy of a 7 month old girl who's also my pride and joy. I returned to work when she was about 10 weeks old. It was challenging at first, but there are a few things that have helped with my adjustment:
1) I go see her everyday at lunch to breastfeed her. My mom watches her 1 day a week at our place (10-15 min from my job) and my MIL (10 min from job) watches her 4 days a week.
2) The days go by super fast between pumping 2x a day - mid morning and mid afternoon and going to see her during lunch.
3) Being away during the day makes the evenings and weekends that more special...so I really appreciate the time we have together, even if she's sleeping. :-)
4) My husband and I are building our own business so that one day (hopefully soon) I won't have to work a j-o-b. Knowing that I won't have to work forever helps too. We are expanding so if you're interested in learning more, please give me a call at ###-###-####. Take care.

L.

I know exactly how you feel! My son is 8 mths old. I work 40hrs M-F and one saturday a month. I also go to school from 6:30-9pm M-TH to get my registered nursing degree. My husband works nights. We never see each other and I miss them both a lot. I see my son 1hr a day. I'm trying to do what's best for my family and despite my jealousy over the time my husband has, I know this will work out. I hope to focus only on school soon. My husband sends pics on my phone and gives me little updates during the day like "eating our sweet potatoes! He has it all over his face". It gets me laughing just imaging what he looks like. It helps me to feel like I'm part of what's going on at home. Also, my husband and I have breakfast every sunday together after he gets off work no matter what! Then I spend all day sat. and sun. with my son. Its our quality time. I try and soak up every second. Maybe try and get some traditions like breakfast or date night with your hubby and special mommy time with your son. Its hard now but your strong and all this is for your family. I hope this helps.

Hi J.! When I read your post I thought, "She could be me." I am in the same situation. My son is now almost two and I went back to work when he was 10 weeks old. My husband, too, quit his job to stay home. I find myself so jealous a lot... I wish it could be me. I just try to fully enjoy the time I do have with my son. Our weekends tend to be very busy going to the park or other places. I spend most my time at home on the floor playing with him one-on-one. We also joined Gymboree when he was around 10 months old. It's something that the two of us can do together not only at our weekly class on Sundays but Thursday and Friday evenings they have an open play time that he really enjoys. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I loved my job before I gave birth; now it's just a means to keep us fed and covered. We're hoping the housing market will recover soon so we can move somewhere cheaper where we can reverse our rolls... hopefully before my son enters school. I wish we'd thought of that beforehand!

Oh, J.! This was my EXACT situation last year. I had to return to work when my girls were only 4 mo. old! Thankfully, since then, my hubby got a GREAT job. Then, I was laid off & am now a SAHM, simply b/c I can't find any work! So, maybe it's in your future...

Anyway, it's REALLY tough, and my heart goes out to you. On top of everything you said, I also hated my job. I ended up doubling my post-partum depression/anxiety medication! The only thing I can say is "Hang in there!" Treasure every moment you have with him.

I used up one of my vacation days each month, and that was awesome. Sorry I don't have any better advice! Best of luck!

Hi J.,

I also have the same situation as you. It is hard to be gone all day but I take solace in knowing my daughter is in the care of her very loving father. Until the situation changes (if it ever does), I make sure that our weekends are full of quality time. I don't dwell on what can't be changed - it's wasted energy. :-)

S.

I am so sorry to hear you are sad. I have a four month old and a toddler. I teach high school, so we are back in full swing. I do have moments of sadness throughout the day, but I do love my job. I too don't get too much quality time at night, but .... I make the best of it and enjoy it. Also, I see how happy both of my children are with their daycares, and that makes me happy. My daughter has so much to say about her school and what she did, who she played with, etc .... that I love hearing her chat about it. Obviously TJ cannot talk at 4 months, but he is all smiles when he goes to his daycare. Yesterday, his provider actually seemed a bit sad when I picked him up early! I can tell that he is well loved there and he loves playing with the new toys and the other little ones.

Yes, it is hard to be away, but I also cannot afford to not work. Be happy in the idea that your little one is well-loved and gets some daddy time during the day, and when you get home snuggle him and do those things you know will make him laugh and smile.

It is not wrong to have to work, nor is it wrong to love your job. I am sure many of us would gladly stay home with our kids, but that isn't always the option. Just take advantage of the time you have at night and on weekends. You sound like a great mom - I am sure your little one loves you - regardless of whether or not he is cranky!

Hello J.. Just wanted to let you know that your feelings are normal. I don't know too many moms who'd rather be at work than at home with their kids (although I remember reading about one mom who did). I'm a single mother, so I've always had to work, and leave my babies in someone else's care. I have a 5 month old right now, and while I'm looking for work, I'm DEFINITELY NOT looking forward to going back into the workforce and leaving him with anyone. Even though it has been hard for me since I was laid off in May of last year, I love that I've been able to stay home with him even this long. Be grateful that your baby is the care of your husband, and just realize that unless you are independently wealthy, with tons of income (residual or otherwise! lol) then someone is going to have to go to work :( I know it sucks, but it could be worse (that's what I always tell myself).

My husband and I both have to work full time just to make ends meat. I have a 12 year old son and a 15 month old daughter. It is SO VERY HARD leaving her everyday M-F but I cherish every moment I have with her before work and after work until she goes to bed. My son is very active in sports so I do not see him until around 8:00 p.m. so by that time, I have had quality time with my daughter, dinner, bath, reading stories, etc.....I know it is hard. I am even lucky that a friend watches her at my house on Monday's and then is with grandparents Tues - Thurs, and with daddy on Friday. She is already a very independent child but wants to be with me once I get home from work. It will all work out in the end and just know that you are not a terrible mom. I did the same things with my son and he has turned out to be a wonderful young man. Don't be too hard on yourself - your son knows you love him.

J.,

I went through a little depression when I went back to work myself. I work full-time as well as run a home based business, and, although I have some flexibility with hours and days, I still spend a lot of time at work. It can be hard to balance your schedule, but just keep in mind you are making the sacrifice to support your family so your child can have the things he needs (including a full-time parent at home!), and just spend as much time with him when you can, and don't worry too much about household duties, etc. As he gets older you will be able to involve him in those things and do them together (my son is 17 months and loves to help unloading the dishwasher!). Being positive is crucial, as your mood will affect your son, and you want his time with you to be positive, and you are doing what you must for the good of your household, you should feel good about that, as well as the good you are doing in your workplace.