Worried About My Almost 9 Yr Old Daughter.

Therapy. Not just for this question, but many of the past questions you've asked. This question, is especially concerning.

I agree that family therapy is needed - this has turned into a really unhealthy dynamic where everything revolves around the child and she has all the power and all the control, rather than you guys being the parents and her learning a reasonable amount of independence as she grows. 3 weeks of PPD is nothing to feel guilty about and certainly not a reason to insist on having her sleep with you, rather than your husband, for the past 9 years. She's not this delicate little flower that is going to shrivel up and die if you are not there to constantly care for her. She needs to see herself as strong and confident and you need to realize what she is capable of - otherwise she will never realize it herself.

Just for the some perspective, I did not have PPD when I had my daughter - but I did have to be put under anesthesia for an emergency c-section and it was several hours before I was able to see her and hold her for the first time. Then because of other complications, I ended up back in the hospital for a month and she had to be taken care of by my husband, and I only got to hold her once a day for the time that he came to visit. At one point they thought I had MRSA and I wasn't allowed to see her or hold her at all. Once I recovered and was home, I was able to take over the care taking duties more. I felt sad for what I had missed out on, but I was also lucky to be alive and happy that I could come home and be a mother to my daughter again. I could not feel guilt for something that I had no control over. We didn't let her sleep with us or do anything different than we normally would have if I had not gotten sick. And she ended up being JUST FINE. She's now 5 years old, just started kindergarten, loves school and playing with her friends, and thinks it's great fun when her babysitter comes over so we can have a date night out. Her preschool teacher once told me that she is one of the happiest and most well-adjusted kids she's ever seen and I believe it's because she KNOWS who is in charge - and it's not her! She's secure in who she is because we are secure in who we are, and we are the parents who set boundaries and enforce what is allowed and what is not - even if she isn't always happy about it!

Your guilt is what is controlling you right now, and you need to learn to let it go. I would start by seeing a therapist for yourself, and then get your husband and daughter involved as well, so everyone can start to be on the same page, and there's no more arguments about who's place is whose.

DVMMOM said it great. Your PPD was short, common and normal. What was not normal is the oversized amount of guilt that your felt, followed by nine years of trying to erase it by never giving this child some structure in the home. She can clearly function well in school and with friends, so she sees teachers and other kids' parents as authority figures. However, in your home, she rules the roost. She gets what she wants by having a tantrum. Meantime, she is getting an abnormal view of what marriage is like because she's growing up to think that married couples need a 2-bedroom apartment so the wife can sleep in one room and the husband in the other.

I know you want her to be independent for HER sake, not just for the sake of you and your husband. She's not going to understand that mommy and daddy need time alone at the movies because she doesn't see that you need adult time together in any way.

I agree that you would all benefit from some therapy to set boundaries and agree on a strategy that will work every time. Learning the right words to say, really identifying the core issues, and working on a gradual and systematic approach over time will give your daughter, and you, what is needed.

As a family, you all need guidance from a professional.

I agree that PPD when your daughter was born is understandable, but I think you now realize you went overboard.. This could be a continuation of your depression but is showing up by you clinging to your daughter. Have you EVER told your physician that your child sleeps with you every night and your husband has to sleep in another room?

It would take too long for any of us to guide you through the changes that will need to be made. You all will as a FAMILY work this all out.

Make a commitment, to do everything in your powers, to help your daughter and repair your marriage.

Start first thing in the morning. Find a family counselor and make an appointment. you and your husband can go first.. then the Counselor will include your daughter.

Let your daughter know that she is a strong person.. Give her examples of things she does very well on her own. Praise her for those things and begin to grant her the ability for her to master other things on her own.

Does she make her own lunch? Do you allow her to pick what is going in it. Does she help decide on dinner a few times a week? Does she help with the grocery shopping?

Does she invite friends over? Do they sleep in her room? Does she go to sleep overs at other homes? How would she feel if her classmates knew she still sleeps with her mother every night?

Not that you would tell them, but if your daughter would be embarrassed, that is how you will know, she understands this is really not acceptable behaviors and she would be willing to change this, before others that she cares about were to find out.

She is in 4th grade? She needs to begin being way more independent. Does she have chores? She should have a list of weekly responsibilities.

The 3 of you should sit down and decide what these chores should be.. Then when she completes them. let her know you noticed. When she can also complete these chores on her own without reminders, really compliment her about it.

You can fix all of this. be strong.

wow, you've really set yourself up for drama here!
i disagree with the advice to tough love her out of it. the time for that is past. you've spent almost 9 years teaching her that this is how the family works, and i don't think it's fair to change the rules now and just expect her to suck it up.
but change the rules you must.
no wonder she's so upset she gets sick. she's so young, and yet she's always had the burden of making decisions for mommy and daddy, even ones as elemental as where people sleep. so much psychological responsibility for such a little person.
you need to a) take control of your family and b) understand that since she's always had to do it, it's going to be terribly anxiety-producing for her to let go of being the decision-maker and allow herself to be a little girl.
it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of understanding, and most of all, a lot of boundaries. dealing with tantrums and meltdowns is inevitable because she can't just go from one extreme to the other without a bumpy transition period. it will also probably be very bewildering for you and your dh to take over the running of the family after all these years of abdicating your authority.
i hope you get counseling, and soon.
khairete
S.

The child isn't broken or ruined. How you're parenting her needs to change, though. Your daughter has the responsibility of easing your guilt, and that shouldn't be her responsibility at all. That's YOUR responsibility in a therapist's office. A therapist will help you deal with the guilt of your PPD, which wasn't your fault, and help you relearn how to parent your child. Your best therapist will be a psychiatrist that specializes in families, individuals, teens, tweens, and children. The whole gamut.

EDIT: You know, you got some pretty great advice based on what you wrote. The fact that so many people suggested some counseling FOR YOU and some family counseling doesn't mean we think you're horrible people. It's not an attack on you. It's showing genuine concern, and it's genuine advice for what you presented as a really dire situation.

For you to take such insult and to then respond in such an immature way was beyond rude just because you dislike so much of the advice. But maybe you ought to reread what you wrote, and reread the advice given and see if maybe there isn't actually some truth in the advice being given. When you put yourself out there and ask people for help, that help doesn't always come in the form you think it will.

You're letting your emotions be the compass of your parenting, and that is NEVER a good idea. It's 100% selfish. You've got to get your emotions in check, and stand your ground. This girl has figured out what buttons to push, and by no fault of her own, you are letting her, every step of the way.

You know what you need to do, you just don't want to. Employing the help of a counselor can help with the transition, but either way, you need to decide to do the right thing by your daughter.

It looks like when you felt better and thought you were better you were still going through your depression ! Aweful guilt, hating yourself, kicking your husband out of bed and holding her so tight she is nine and vomits when you leave. Its time for some therapy. Some real deal help. Counceling, nanny 911 style. This guilt and the reaction to your husband and your daughter isnt healthy. The fact your husband hasnt stepped in already over the 9 yrs isnt ok either. It seems like too many issues as to the simple sleep training question I feel your asking. I would be worried for your entire family function. But she is still only 9 and your husband is still in the same house. Time to get dates night and sleeping with your husband back too. She is fine and dosent even remember you having ppd. Go to family counseling get this mess all worked out. And its not your entirely your fault, not entirely your husbands fault and not entirely your daughters fault. Some where you all felt this was ok. Its not a major thing and I would bet that it could be solved quickly and professionaly for a truly happy home. (I dont want to seem like I am scolding you I just think this could be a problem if she is 15 and still in bed. Its also an issue that your hubby is on the guest bed and is ok with it? )

Your daughter needs ot be in her bed.. and your husband back in ours! I saw an episode of a story like this on Dr/ Phil a while back.. the wife slept with the kid and the husband slept in the bed. You have GOT to be the mom here and lay down the law. So she throws a tantrum and freaks out for a week while you do the adjustment... so be it. Put her in her room and lock your door. She needs to understand that mommy and daddy need time together, you can sit down and explain it to her, but you need to be firm as well. You cannot allow a tantrum (throw-up or not) to dictate your marriage. Your and your husband need a date night, and a bedroom together.

If you can get you and her to a family therapist to address this separation anxiety and any other issues, it would be best. LOTS of women have ppd, and it only effected you for 3 weeks, lucky! But, you are still allowing it to effect you. Take charge here. Don't have guilt about it, you need to turn that around into an empowering motivation to let her learn respect and that your love exists whether you are in her room or not. Often times, separation anxiety is created by parents who don't put their foot down and allow their children to grow. So, while that is the case, I'm glad you see it now and are going to work on it. You and your husband deserve it.. and your daughter deserves to feel independent with the ability to self soothe as well.

Dr. Sears is an expert in this field.. and while his advice is typically geared towards younger children, the methods will still be good for your family as well. See here:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/helping...

Don't forget, she needs to also be disciplined for her tantrums, she is old enough to learn to control herself. These tips will help you and her grow:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

It's your guilt that's the problem.
You need to release it once and for all.
Your child is loved by both you and your husband.
Being the parent means you do what's best for your child - even if the child disagrees.
At 8, she's about 5 years past where throwing a tantrum is appropriate.
She hasn't learned self control yet because she hasn't had to so far.

When a 3 yr old pitches a fit and is in a safe place (at day care or with a sitter), you grit your teeth, give a quick hug/kiss, say 'Ok! I love you! Bye Bye!" and walk out the door and don't look back.
In a 3 yr old - seriously - the fit lasts about 10-15 min, and then it gets really boring when the audience (you) is not there to appreciate the performance - and it stops and everything is absolutely fine.
No one is ruined or scarred for life.
Eventually, child learns that pitching the fit in the first place is a waste of energy and gives it up.
Woo Hoo! Growth is achieved!

SO - you need to go through this process now.
She's had 5 extra years to hone her performance, she's had standing ovations so far.
The show is getting very very old.
Time for the audience to walk out.

She's old enough to talk to.
Just tell her "Honey, we can't keep on doing this. Mom and Dad are going to go out occasionally without you and you need to be a big girl. You can have a lot of fun with Grandma and Grandpa if you let yourself. Whether you have a good time or not is up to you. Choose wisely.".

When you go out - just accept she may explode, and if she does, SO WHAT? - Let her!
If she barfs, Grandma and Grandpa will help her clean up.
Everyone throws up sometime or another.
If it's self inflicted I'm not inclined to feel a whole lot of sympathy towards the situation.
It has nothing to do with you, just walk out and enjoy your evening.
It's going to take practice.
This will be good growing time for both of you - but you have to do it apart from each other.
Growth is good!
Embrace it!

In 3 years she will be old enough to babysit. Time to cut the apron strings.

Start by both of you going to bed in HER room, once she is asleep you and hubby sleep in your room. It won't take long and she will be comfortable alone.

Next, find someone who will stay with her daily for an hour or two and you and hubby start going out. Go on walks, picnic, out for a drink, dancing. Keep the time short and work up to a full night out 1-2 times a week.

Then seek out a good counselor who can help you resolve the issues about the PPD. Stop feeling guilty it's not your fault.

I agree with the others. You absolutely must get your whole family into therapy. You know it as well as we do - this is not normal. Your child is running your household, and nobody is happy. This is not going to be a 5 minute fix; it sounds like you all have some serious work to do. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us updated.

Sweetie, you are telling us about a little girl who in a couple of years is going to be old enough to go to college....she needs to get past this and both you and hubby need to do therapy.

This family dynamic is way scary to contemplate. She might never grow up and be a whole person inside from the sounds of it. She won't let you out of her sight for even a couple of hours? That is way scary abnormal....

Unfortunately there is no "EASY" solution. That's why this has gone on so long. You're seeing the two downsides to your choices:

1) If you put your foot down, you don't even know how to, and you know your daughter will freak out massively. Plus you feel guilty somehow to "make" her sleep apart from you, so that's uncomfortable for you (and her).

or

2) If you don't put your foot down, this continues, and you're scared she is developing a lack of independence.

Just to clarify: The reason you have been choosing "2" is because it is the easiest for you. Yes, sleeping apart from your husband is hard, so is having a nine-year-old girl who can't just go to bed, and being a slave to never going out at night is a bummer, but her freak-outs are so frightening, you're choosing those options because you're all used to it. ALSO you have the hubs giving in too and making you feel bad if you make your daughter feel bad, which makes it MUCH harder.

I'm not gonna lie, nine is really set in her ways already, and if you want to take charge it will me extremely difficult at this point, and if dad's not on board, bad cop good cop will get scary. But if you don't buckle down and take charge of your daughter, WATCH OUT TEEN YEARS.

I personally think you should put your foot down on bed time-and anything else she is controlling by virtue of massive melt-down, if for no other reason than to prevent serious problems later. BUt you have to decide what YOU believe, and what YOU want for your family.

What do you sincerely think is worse for her? A): "not being allowed to sleep with you and enduring the discipline you will need to enforce to make her stop the fits" or B) "letting her control you into her teens"

To me it's very clear that "A" is GOOD for her and should be done ASAP because it will take a while to turn things around. "B" can lead to lots of dangerous situations while she continues to step on you in favor of doing what she wants and making you do what she wants.

Do you want her in her room for the night and out of yours? Then you need to get your husband back into your bed and you both need to enforce that. There are good discipline tips for this age on the show The World's Strictest Parents and you can get free episodes online.

If you think you'll cave and keep letting her sleep with you, then just dismantle her nice room and use it for something else. Warn her in advance that because she doesn't sleep in her own room, she doesn't really need her own room, and you guys can use it as an office or whatever. But whatever you say, you need to STICK TO so this girl can rely on your for GUIDANCE in her life, not grow to resent you for being soft, ineffective, and useless (that's how angry teens see permissive parents almost universally)

Remember: Her first three weeks of not being held have NO BEARING on her at 9 years old. I was adopted at 6 months old. Never nursed. Never slept with my parents. My adoptive parents were strict an amazing. I'm a well adjusted loving, nurturing person who is close to both parents, and they NEVER would have let me throw fits past age 2 much less nine. Just figure out what you want and stick to it!!!
The book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is also great.

Oh my, I hate to agree but you ARE ruining your child because independence is the most important thing that we can give our children. So much ties into this-including the child's self esteem.
First off I think that you need to get some counseling over your guilt. IT sounds like it may just take a professional to convince you that it was not your fault that you couldn't be there for her in the beginning. Once you realize that you are not to blame for this then you can begin with the tough love that will be needed to help your daughter. START BY GOING OUT!!!!!! Instead of caving and staying in-you go out. Start with just dinner so you can be back in an hour or so. You probably don't even know what will happen if you actually do leave. My cuess is that she will settle it down. If she truly cannot then that is a sign that she should be in the care of a therapist.

Ditto everything J.T. said.
This is a problem and on your daughter's end it has nothing whatsoever to do with your mom caring for her for the first 3 weeks. Nothing. What it DOES have to do with is your guilt for those first 3 weeks. And that guilt has affected every aspect of your home life, not just with your daughter, but including your relationship with your husband. And I don't understand how he is content to sleep in another room for 9 years while your daughter takes his place in your bed.
Your entire family needs some counseling, and you and dad need to start setting some boundaries for your daughter. She only does what she does because she has learned that it works. Not because Grandma took care of her the first 3 weeks of her life.

She has what sounds like extreme separation anxiety, which will stifle her confidence and independence. I don't think it has anything to do with your PPD. Release the guilt and instead refocus on changing the dynamics of how you two are parenting. You can't give in to everything she wants, as this will be only lead to bigger issues. She's running your household and there are no boundaries, but there is time to redirect her and at the same time giveher reassurance. Consider therapy or counseling if necessary. Many times our anxiety as parents is projected unto our children unknowingly. Good luck.

I was very Ill after my first and was unable and afraid to hold him too much because I had a cutaneous infection I didn't want to pass to him. Irrational, but I was a new mother and didn't want to hurt him.. Long story short I really feel I lost out on bonding the first month . You HAVE to find a way to get over that. Unfortunately you have established a 9 year pattern for yourself, your family, and your daughter.
At this point she might have developed a phobia or other psychological issue stemming from your PPD but ONLY a psychiatrist can tell you . What I can tell you is that you ALL need to see one. Good luck.

This situation has nothing to do with you PPD from 9 years ago and EVERYTHING to do with you parenting skills since then. In addition to family therapy, what you need a good parenting class. I think the guilt may have been the reason you started the process of putting her into your bed, but I don't think it's the reason you continue to do it. I think you continue to do it because it's easy and you're kind of being a lazy parent. You don't want to have to deal with the tantrums. And I'm guessing every single year that passes, it gets even harder. Wait til she is 12 or 14. You brought her into your bed to make YOU feel better.... not her. Now you give into her tantrums because it's the easiest thing for YOU to do. Can you see a theme here?

We have all made mistakes in parenting and we all have guilt. For the first 3 MONTHS of my newborn's life, I allowed her to cry for HOURS on end because of some bad advice I was given that I would "spoil" her if I ran to her every time she cried. I get a pit in my stomach and tears in my eyes everytime I think about that choice. It was a mistake to follow that advice. BUT I didn't allow it to dictate how I live the rest of my life. I didn't kick my husband out of our bed for the next decade. I didn't let it cripple my daughter's independence and confidence. I simply acknowledged the mistake, learned from it, and moved on. As I said, I still feel sick when I think about it, but my daughter, now 7, is a well adjusted, independent, intelligent young athlete.

You need to get your big girl panties on an be the mother and wife your family needs you to be and stopping using "The Guilt" as your crutch. You have given into her meltdowns so often now (nearly a decade), that this problem is not going to be easily fixed. But I would start by not giving to her tantrums. She needs to see that she can go to bed (while you and your husband are out) and wake up totally FINE. This is usually a problem most parents have around 1-2 years old when they are being left at preschool/daycare for the first time. Your daughter is 9... it's time to let her grow up.

I think a situation like this calls for family therapy. You need to let go of your guilt (3 weeks of PPD 9 years ago is nothing to feel guilty about and nothing that would have "damaged" your child - the 9 years of misplaced attempts to "make up for" that are what's not helping). Really...you had a problem, you got someone else to help out, you sought help and got well. That should have been the end of the story. The actions that stem from your guilt are crippling your child emotionally.

My guess is that your guilt is a major factor in your daughter's anxiety. You need some professional help to bring appropriate balance and structure into your family. There are extremes of all behaviors and as you can see, acting in the extreme even in a very loving way is not a healthy way for a child and family to grow. You and your husband need to re-claim your bed and your couplehood, your daughter needs to be able to sleep in her own room and know that she is safe and secure there. A good therapist will be able to work with all three of you to make this happen in a gentle, positive and productive way.

Kids are incredibly resilient. My step-daughter was raised in a violent home for 13 years with her mother and step-father (and step siblings) and on top of that, had to lie to us for 7 years and pretend that the step-father didn't live there. She was diagnosed with PTSD resulting from being a witness to and victim of domestic violence. Once we found a therapist who she would talk to, it took just a few months for her to process the trauma and begin to heal. She's a completely different person now than when she moved in with us and it's been less than 2 years. With guidance, kids learn to cope with positive changes and move ahead. Your daughter has been developmentally ready to move to greater independence for many years now - please seek some help so that you stop letting your own fears and anxiety and guilt continue to get in the way of her social and emotional development. Good for you for recognizing that something needs to change...now start calling therapists and book an appointment. You can do this!

First, kudos for reaching out. There are so many issues going on here that it would be hard for any of us to give you the best advice. Please seek some therapy and soon. Not only for your daughter but primarily for yourself and your marriage. Children learn by what they see. You want her to be independent and confident yet you are not exhibiting those skills through your parenting actions. This is completely fixable and it will take courage, determination and tough love for all of you. God Bless!

I agree with Angeles T. Tough love!! It was that way with my son, and I just had to lock the bedroom door and not get sleep for awhile, since he was pounding on the door all night long. But it eventually worked. YOU just have to be the one to make up your mind, that this is what you are going to have to do. And stick to it. Don't let her make you feel guilty. And if she does, shove that aside and listen to your husband!! Good luck!

You need a little tough love Amy. It's going to be hard, I experienced it with my youngest. Start doing things in HER room. Games, puzzles, manicures, pedicures, drawing etc. Anything you can. Perhaps re-do her room.....give it a small make over if not a full one. Re-paint it with her. Try getting the paint that turns to a chalkboard and do one of her walls in it. It comes in colors and once dry, it is a chalkboard. Get her some chalk and begin a new schedule for her, without her knowing. Just the way you built the bond that got you a 9yr old in your bed, with love and determination, make her room appealing. In the process, tell her how little girl rooms are the best thing ever and how you loved yours when you were little. Have her pick out the bedding, curtains, etc. Slowly develop a security in HER room. Get her a night light, the kind that glows the constellations on the ceiling or whatever, sometimes it's fish, sometimes it's pretty colors, and tell her that she is a big girl and should be sleeping in her own bed and it would make you very happy if she could try to sleep in her room. It'll be about a good week to 2 weeks before she lets go. Reward her for the days she sleeps in her bed. On the days she tries to crawl into bed with you, because she will try, walk her back to her bed, tuck her in and leave her there. In the beginning, if she didn't care for the new room idea, she will kick and scream, you'll have to do a little back and forth, but it will be worth it in the end. I promise! Set a goal of having sleep overs with all the friends she is social with and tell her big girls do this and don't have sleep overs in momma's bed. Perhaps this will be THE key reward to get her to sleep in her room. As for you, you need to let that guilt go. You cannot base the things you do for your daughter on that guilt. Especially because it was nothing you could control. Your hormones were screwy, you didn't do it on purpose. Your daughters anxiety is based on your anxiety. Be matter of factly with all you do, not undecided and wishy washy. Kids are amazingly intuitive and can smell it on you. She knows exactly what she needs to do for you to breakdown, and once you and dad are fighting, she knows she's got you. Good luck, I hope it works for you as it did for me. Sleepover is key!! PS....try this before major therapy for everybody. See someone if YOU need to.

I didn't read the other responses so sorry if I repeat something. Your daughter is not ruined! She has issues, but they are in response to the situation. The situation was created over time, so if you and your husband and child work together it can be fixed over time. There is a lot of love here, and that is important. I think individual and family therapy would help. Individual for the guilt that you feel and that is messing things up, family for new strategies to cope as you build healthier behaviors. You can't do it yourself, because you are stuck in the behaviors that aren't working, as is your husband. He needs to be involved and supportive in this.

You are not cutting your child out - I don't think cold turkey would work for any of you. You will be teaching her how to live without fear - which it sounds like you all need. Take care and good luck. You will be able to do this. Just get some help, and a referral from your doctor or OB or whoever.

Yeah, I've gotta agree with B. It's gone on too long, and she's just going to have to endure some discomfort as she learns to separate. If it's just going to a movie, you guys will just have to leave and let her throw up. Your husband has to know it is not healthy or normal for an 8 or 9 year old to not be able to endure her parents leaving for a movie.

As far as sleeping in her room goes, it is long past time, and you and she will just have to go through the discomfort of her learning to sleep in her own room.

Possibly you could try something transitional - like you lie with her until she goes to sleep or something like that. A book might be helpful, but her situation is so unusual that most sleep books are for babies and toddlers.

You could also give her a little bribery as she endures the discomfort. "When you learn to sleep in your own bed, I will get you X."

Good luck!

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I just cannot believe how some people respond to moms reaching out for suggestions and advice. I really think some people make themselves feel better by walking on others. I posted something earlier and also got some rude responses. I usually love this site, but there are times when I wonder about it...maybe someone should be monitoring for answers that are more than 75% rude, harsh judgement and less than 25% actual constructive help. IF someone genuinely thinks you would benefit from therapy, why can't they just say "have you thought about therapy?" Ugh.

Ok, that being said, I think you are totally on the right track. You've recognized the problem and that's a huge part of the battle. I don't see anything wrong with easing everyone down the right path. I think some people mistake being tough or "putting big girl panties on" with consistency; you can be consistent with smaller steps. I agree that consistency is KEY, but that doesn't mean you have to consistently pull the rug out from under her (and you) all at once. You can consistently enforce the sleeping bag, you can consistently do the chair process (sounds like a great idea to me), and you can consistently continue to love and cherish your daughter while you all work toward positive change. GOOD LUCK and try not to let other people's negativity bring you down. I always think about something my dad would tell me growing up when someone was mean to me at school or whatever; he'd say, brush it off and remember, you can move on; that person has to be with him/herself all the time!! :)

Dear Amy,

You did the best you could under the circumstances. And overall, it sounds like you've been a wonderful mom. I mean your daughter is very social and loves school. Score 2 for you! She just has this one specific problem with sleep. And one specific problem isn't that bad.

What I really recommend is that you contact a sleep disorders clinic that works with children, or possibly just a child psychologist. NOT because this is a terrible problem -- it's not -- but because the issue seems very fraught between the two of you, and it may just not be within the capacity of your relationship to rectify it. It sounds like you really need a neutral third party to step in and change the channel, so to speak.

Good luck, and give yourself a hug. I had some (milder) PPD too, and I too still have guilt to this day. But it really sounds like you've been a fantastic mom. I suspect your daughter would agree ;)

My son also has extreme anxieties, and would still be in my bed now lol.
Luckily he and his sis share a room, so everyone is happy. Does she have a sibling she could sleep in with?
If not then you will have to do it in increments. Nobody likes to sleep alone in a great big bedroom, it's scary - I don't like too, do you? So you have to get creative. Get a divider for your room, turn her room into a playroom for now. Divide your room with a curtain, or a shelving unit and put her bedroom in your bedroom. this is what I did with my son until little sis was born. He could hear me rustling around, and be in the same room, but yet there was that separation with the divider.

I read the SWH - sorry about the responses you received. I didn't read any of them but I am not surprised that some recommended major therapy. For some that's the only solution.

I do agree with your plan or the night. The thing is, you have to stick to it. If she winds up at the side of your bed, you have to be strong enough to say no and make her sleep in the sleeping bag. That's going to be hard at dark-thirty, but you can do it.

I do want to say that, like you, I didn't like to see my daughter upset and did whatever I could to make her world a happy one at all times. That is a huge mistake. You already know you need to play the tough love card; please don't back down from that. I learned that a child who is always catered to ends up being a mess as an adult. Don't do that to your child. When you are having a hard time saying no and sticking to it, just remember that childhood is short and that for her to have a happy adult life, which lasts a whole lot longer (God willing) she will need to be periodically unhappy as a child.

Good luck to you and yours!

You should have gone to the movies. I would start going out at night without her. She definitely has the upper hand. She is old enough to know
that she needs to stay in her room. Non-negotiable. You have to stay strong or it will not work. Just like with a 2 year old it will take time; be
persistent. The payoff will be everyone sleeping where they should be
sleeping i.e. your husband in bed with you.

I've discovered there are a lot of moms on here who give very harsh advice and will strive to make others think they are failures as parents. My guess is they struggle with their own doubts - many I would guess are full time working moms that don't get to spend as much time with their kids as they know they should. As for your problem, it sounds like you and your husband are following your instincts and gently helping her be without you at night. Have you ever heard of the chair technique? Basically you put her to bed in her own room and sit in a chair right next to her bed and read silently or sew or whatever until she falls asleep. The next night you move the chair away about a foot and do the same thing. Each subsequent night you do the same thing until you are sitting in the hall outside her room. Then you make an excuse to go to the bathroom or whatever and you keep making the excuses longer and longer until she is going to bed and sleeping fine all on her own. Another idea you might try is tell her you are leaving at bedtime and grandma will put her to bed - but that you will be back in 20 minutes to give her a kiss. Then do it again in a few weeks but make it 30 minutes, and keep doing it and increase the time slowly until she is used to falling asleep on her own without you there. But definitely no need for therapy or parenting classes, LOL. I can't believe you had so many dramatic people suggest that. It sounds like you guys are very loving, involved parents and this too, will pass. :)

Time for some tough love. Give her a good sit down talk and tell her that things are going to change and she is becoming a young woman..needs to have her own space, room etc. Implement it tonight and tell her she IS sleeping in her own bed and no more bedtime with you. You need to move your husband back into your room and make it up to him as well. I know its hard, but you have to do it or she will never learn to sleep without you. It will be rough for a few days but be consistent and firm in whatever routine you agree on. GL

Oh bless your heart Sweetie!!! I too have an almost nine-year old daughter who sleeps in our bed, only now we have her 5-year old sister there too.

Let me be clear -- your PPD did NOT ruin your daughter. Your reaction and subsequent dealing with PPD did not ruin your daughter. "Ruin" is a very strong word. Buildings can be ruined. Clothing can be ruined. Carpets can be ruined. Children, unless you are the Devil incarnate, cannot be ruined by you either.

Here's an affirmation for you to post on your bathroom mirror:

"Buildings can be ruined. Clothing can be ruined. Carpets can be ruined. Children, unless I am the Devil incarnate, cannot be ruined by me either."

Yeah, sure, she's a clinger -- so is my daughter. But remember Amy, she's only nine. You may want to worry if she's still sleeping in your bed when she's 30, but that's a LOOOONNNNNGGGG way off.

What I've learned over the past nearly nine years of being a parent is that this is a learned skill, and not one that anyone could ever be expected to be flawless at.

And remember something ..... a mom who is clueless without a prayer for ending up with a well-adjusted young adult would likely NOT be writing in to this board.

All the best Amy! You and your little girl will be just fine.

E.