Would I Be a Grinch in Requesting "No Gifts" from Hubby for Christmas?

My mom orders stuff from QVC and Amazon, then tells my Dad 'I ordered a gift for me from you today...'

Well, what my man and I do to stop that from happening is we either get one 200 or less item for US as in US a couple or US the house like last year we got US the playstation move! OR we each give each other 100 bucks to buy what we want! It works for us, no fights no annoyance and typically the collective gets something nice such as a new blu ray player or new computer software or something like that.

Maybe you could suggest that instead of exchanging gifts the two of you go away for a weekend together. Christmas morning you could decide where to go. That could be a fun way to celebrate together.

It sounds as if you're both thinking, "I want Christmas done MY way!" and neither of you intends to give in. What sort of war is that? Resentment can't be gift-wrapped.

You could think about giving him the gift of... doing it his way. Give him something you love. REALLY love. He won't know what to do at first with that Coach bag or the gift certificate for a massage and a pedicure! Once he starts laughing (and I hope he will), then you can say, "Now let's quit this pettiness, save our pennies, and give ourselves a weekend together that we can take in the spring."

Exchanging gifts is tricky. What I have determined that I want in a gift is some acknowledgement that I am here, and that I mean something to DH. So, instead of buying a gift for me, what I have asked for is a card - with something mushy handwritten in it. :)
It means that he has to find a card, and take the time to write SOMETHING in it - but beyond that, he is off the hook.
I love these cards, as I keep them and read them when I find them other times in the year. Much better than any 'regular' gift to me. :)

please be very thankful that you have a DH who is at least trying...

a DH who is anxious about buying you a gift....

a DH who "thinks" he's got it right, even tho' he's really waaaay wrong!

Honestly, truly....I get your point about wanting gifts that you like. Been there, done that. BUT, to go to the extent of making a pictograph for him? Wow! Can we say micromanagement? :)

& as for that spoon set: did you show him the containers? Did you look him straight in the eye & say, "this is what I want....a set which will fit inside this jar. Do you understand what I need?" ? Did you give him an exact measurement? .....with some spouses, they need a sledgehammer to the head before they understand! Peace......

My husband and I made it easy on ourselves, every year for Christmas we renew our Disney passes, so no gift from each other for each other. This year we are taking our 2 1/2 year old to the Dollar Store to let her "shop" for the other parent. (I'll take her to shop for Daddy, and later he will take her to shop for me) I can't wait to see what she picks out with her dollar. We will also let her get something for baby sister.
Is there something that you could buy family passes too instead of doing gifts? Like a science center, art museum, theme park, etc?

Other ideas, suggest a theme gift idea. Tell him you thought it would be fun to each pick out a date night theme for the other as a Christmas gift. Gift certificate to a restruant, activity, and maybe clothes to wear during (or after ;)) Then you are each doing something targeted, but still a suprise. And even if he picks a resturant you hate, at least you get a night out. :)

Talking about gift giving is always a touchy subject. My husband is a grab something in our price range and stuff it in a bag to give kind of guy. I love to spend time finding something perfect, something that just speaks to me about that person. :) Hubs and I no longer exchange gifts for any occasion, and I am in charge of all gift buying for others.

Some people NEED to give a gift, it is how they show their love. So even though my hubby and I aren't doing gifts for each other this year, we are going to go shopping after Christmas to get each other a little surprise gift... but we go and pick the item out together.

I agree with you though next time he asks, tell him you want a coupon book, for sleeping in, a peaceful meal, a mom's day out, a back massage. Maybe he will take it more seriously if it is a physical item that he can actually wrap. Tell him he can make it himself out of a cute little notepad.

I'd give him the list that he asked for. If he gets it right then GREAT, if not, well then someone in your community will get a nice purchase from Goodwill. I wouldn't worry about it. It's his way of loving you and it makes him happy. Just concentrate on making your family's Christmas special and wonderful and don't worry about what your husband is doing to be a blessing. Good luck to you!

My husband and I don't exchange gifts with eachother becasue we would rather spend iton the kids. :)

But, in your case.... I would just tell him. Honesty is the best policy and so is communication. Just tell him how you feel. I mean seriously, he has to understand that you don't want to recieve a Christmas present that you are allergic too! :) I am sure he will understand.

Hmmmm.....couple of thoughts:
1. You can ask. He may still shop HIS WAY for you in which case I would promptly return & re-buy what I requested.

2. Get him to agree to buy something for the whole family, or for the house, etc. instead of buying you personal stuff.

My in-laws are the type of people that will tell you the EXACT item they want-size, store location, etc. My family is more the "Oh--I don't need anything, really" types. My husbands family is much easier to bang out because of the specifics.

S., I had to laugh a little when I read your post. Your husband and his family sound quite a bit like my husband and his family. You've received a number of great responses. I agree that you need to talk to your husband about the way you feel. Not in an accusatory way, but just a simple heart-to-heart. You can send him a list or links, as some others have suggested, but honestly I am sure my husband would probably do the same thing as yours and say "I know you wanted *this* but I got you something even *better*!" After 15 years of marriage, my husband and I finally found something that works for us a couple of years ago. For just about every holiday - Christmas, birthday (our birthdays are very close together), anniversary - we either go pick out something that we both want OR he actually physically takes me to pick out my present. It's usually a date for us. He decides when to go and gets the sitter and I get to decide where and what. It's really fun and, more than the gift, it means so much to me for him to just take the time out of his schedule to do this. A friend of ours from church is a licensed psychologist and he's the one that gave my husband the suggestion. To this day, we both feel like we owe that man a debt of gratitude. I get a great gift and some good quality time with my husband and my husband walks away feeling like the "genius" of the century! HTH!

My husband and I exchange donations to charity for Christmas. You could request that. Even if he picks a charity HE likes, at least it's not a wasted purchase. World Vision is a fun Christmas charity to donate to. They have a coloful catalogue (or online). It's almost like Christmas shopping.

S. B,
I am certain that in three years, we wil be reading a post from you titled "My husband doesn't care about me. He never even buys me a Christmas gift". I know where you are coming from. My husband does almost the same thing, however, I would never ask kim to stop buying me gifts. I give him a list each year and he surprises me with the choices he selects. He usually gets everything on the list (or sometimes his version of it) and last year threw in a beautiful mink coat, too! I recommend you ask for gift receipts and exchange what you don't like.

I had a girlfriend whose husband never bought her anything but instead told her to go buy her birthday or Christmas gift herself. She felt he didn't truly care enough about her to do something nice for her. Turns out, early on in their marriage, she told him she'd rather buy her own gifts as she never liked anything her purchased for her. She took the joy out of his gift giving. I wouldn't have bought her another thing!

Your husband is modeling to your children as well. He is teaching your son that it is appropriate to honor his wife with a gift. You should be showing them and him your appreciation in accepting the gift. Gift giving is done by the heart and we should appreciate that someone took their time to make us feel special.

S., buy yourself gifts from the kids. Buy yourself gifts from him. In other words, do a shopping spree for yourself period. Then, give him everything you bought, with stickies on each thing saying who they are from, and give him wrapping paper. Tell him to wrap the gifts. When he protests, tell him what you've said here. He is unwilling to do the work to get what you want. He just wants to fuss at you. Tell him that love to YOU means hugs and being nice. If gifts are bought, that's nice, but you don't like ending up giving them to Goodwill, so you have picked out what you want, and if he wants to make you happy, to say THANK YOU and wrap them up.

My husband and I only buy a few things for each other. We don't do a big Christmas. It's easier on everyone that way, and my kids are used to it after living overseas. I feel lucky about that. We do fun stuff during the year and that makes up for a big Christmas.

Dawn

Give him the shopping list for a bunch of the relatives, how much money to spend on each, if he'll even start to stay within the budget, and let him go shopping. Tell him to have fun. When he comes home either let him wrap them out in the garage so you don't have to deal with any of it or wrap them for him just to be nice. Either way, it's not on you. You can always do something special for their birthdays that us just from you.

I would tell hubby that this year you are both going shopping and getting a gift for the house, nothing for each other, and stick to it. Remind him you are expecting nothing else and that he should not expect anything either.

My MIL and FIL did this for years and that is when they got their big screen TV, the new washer dryer set, a new dining room table and chairs, a new fridge, she got a new truck one year and he got a new Vibe the next, these are big ticket expenses of course, none are cheap but so many times we live with appliances that are run down and worn out.

Why not set aside one day of the year where you can plan on replacing something with a wished for item that is going to be eventually needed at some point.

I would take care of the kids gifts for sure though. You could buy them the day you guys go shopping for your selves but I would probably do it another day so the day with just me and hubby would be more special.

I too am practical. I would like to see that money spent on something that I like. Here are some things I have done in response to my husband's desire for a list and my desire for a surprise:

1. Take him shopping with you to a store and try on a bunch of clothes. Put them all on hold and leave the store while he goes back and picks out what he wants to give you.

2. Send him an email with links to several items that can be shipped to his work or a family member's home. Include a lot of different items that you would like.

3. If you have older kids, show them what you would like and have them help your husband.

4. Give a list of specific candy items, gift cards, etc. to choose from for the stocking.

5. Ask for coupons such as: Dinner and a Movie, Breakfast in Bed, etc.

could you limit the amount of money that you spend on each other and then spend the rest on one girt for BOTH of you as a joint thing that you both want? We have done that in the past, and I prefer it far more than the tons of candles, photo albums and frames, etc. I get a few surprizes from the hubby, and then we pick out 1 large or higher cost item to buy and put both of our names on under the tree. Honestly I can never think of too much that I even want for Christmas, so the bigger ticket items are better anyway, and I wouldn't want to get a new livingroom TV just for me since we both watch it. LOL! It was really fun when the kids did the "santa" thing, because the joint gift was to us from Santa. They always got a kick out of that. Now they are older, and we get really cool gifts from the older 2 girls, (not always expensive, but thoughtful and much appreciated), and they ALWAYS take the younger 2 out shopping for us as well. Those are by far my favorite gifts anyway! Less expensive - much more meaning! Good luck!

Okay, here's the deal. Let him read your post. You deserve something that is just for YOU!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't have to be something huge...even just ask for a gift card to a place where you can go and get something for yourself.

Seriously you do want something from him.....validation for a year of really hard work.

Good luck,
DH

I would bring up the idea of not buying gifts for each other this year and only the kids and see how it goes. Maybe you could buy small things for stockings and that is it. However, if you've already done a very straightforward list before and it didn't work, I'm not sure what to tell you. He is definitely a gift-giving kind of guy but it sounds like a bit out of touch with you exact wants/needs. I don't know if you've ever read "The Five Love Languages" but it really might be the best gift you could buy for the both of you to read so you understand each other better. I bet you anything, one of his Love Languages is Gifts...where yours is probably not. It might be Time or Service. Maybe skip the gifts entirely and plan a movie/dinner/date night out or like someone else posted a trip in the Spring and have your money go there (if that's something you would like to do, that is!). All the Best and have a Merry Christmas...

Early on in our marriage (way before children), my husband and I decided to not exchange gifts, and it works out perfectly. Instead, we would get something for the "family", starting off with just the two of us, then working our way to the five of us now. I am all into Christmas for the real reason we have Christmas. There is too much emphasis on gift giving, shopping, what to get that person, etc. There is SO much pressure on folks to shop, shop, shop...which leads to spending money they really don't have. Why does everyone seem to think that gift giving is the only way of showing someone cares??? There are so many other ways to demonstrate that someone cares. Does it really matter what your hubby ends up getting you as long as he feels he made an effort, which is his way of showing his love??? Remember, men and women are different. For instance, what if he took the kids out for the afternoon so that mommy (you) could have some peace and quiet time at home?? That kind of gift is priceless. When one separates oneself from material things, life is so much more full of contentment. :)

I said this before, a gift is a gift someone else gives you. well, I used to have similar issues with my first then (yes) second husband. First didn't even remember my birthday, anniversary or name (so out he went haha). Second husband did not buy me anything the first Christmas we were together as a married couple, with my kids (they were little and they didn't get me anything) and well I cried. After that, every year my husband remembered gifts in the same way, about 2 seconds before midnite of whatever occasion and had to go to the all night drugstore, wink wink. This past year he bought me a monitor for my computer (the other old clunky one was just fine). Now that would have been a great night at a romantic dinner or hotel. I made some jokes about what he got me for his.my birthday, but he still doesn't get it. But he did get it. A present for me. Whether we like it or not, a gift is a gift. I read some man's column and he described why they do this. they are so anxious to give a perfect gift they totally can't do it until it is too late and then they often do anyway. So, I either bite the bullet and say nothing or cause a problem and a pouty holiday, cranky people, all because I didn't get what I want. and yes, I still want SOMETHING because I am still human and a little greedy at times.
happy Holidays!

I get what you are saying. I would show my husband things I like and he would say "ok". Then, he would go back and not have clue what it was (just what store it was in) and get me items nothing like what I picked out and in many cases that I didn't like either. Not just at Christmas but for my birthday too and occassionally in an attempt to be nice. He would get me flowers...you know, the pre-packaged kind. he would bring them home from his 2nd job...mixed flowers w/ lots of allergens (I have have allergy induced asthma) and we could have used the money for other things...he was spending most of what he made right back there and therefore not benefiting us at all. I would tell him what I wanted, he would get anything but. I stopped telling him what I wanted and he said "you make it h*** o* me". I told him "If I don't tell him, then I can't be disappointed when he doesn't come through". He started ordering my Christmas presents from his hunting catalog just to say he did...they mostly weren't bad but still!

You have two options. 1. Talk to your husband and incorporate into the conversation that while you appreciate that he purchases great gifts, you feel that they are more suited for him than for you and you feel disappointed that he doesn't seem to know you better. Then tell him you would like for him to either get you something YOU want or that you don't exchange gifts at all. If he needs help with an idea, you will gladly make a wish list to give him guidance or 2. Realize that he's buying gifts for himself so you do the same and get something YOU love!

Haha, I buy gifts for all of us..myself included :) my husband is happy that he doesn't have to go shopping!

My husband and I never exchange gifts at Christmas - started out as a $ thing, then we just decided that it was easier and more fun just to give gifts to the children at Christmas. By tax return time we usually each have a big-ticket item that we each would like, so we use that $ to purchase that for ourselves. Honestly, with all the stress at holiday time with teachers, friends, extended family, coworkers, parties - not having to come up with the perfect gift for one more impossible to buy for person is a wonderful thing.

well, at least he tries. one last suggestion to try and get what you want is to do it online. send him a link to the exact item you want, so that all he has to do is click and purchase. however, if that bugs you even more, or if you really dont think he is gonna get it, and you truly dont want another pseudo gift from him, why dont you just talk to him and say that the holidays are really about the kids now, and you would love it if instead of exchanging gifts between the 2 of you, you would make a purchase together of something you both need/want/agree on. we dont do many gifts between us anymore, mainly to save money and because there just isnt much we really need. we spend the money on the kids/family. instead of exchanging, we will usually purchase something we both/all want or need, like a little vacation, tickets to something, membership to someplace (childrens museum, aquarium, etc) a new appliance or something like that. not very romantic, but no feelings get hurt, its not wasteful, and its something we probably would have wanted to get anyway, so it saves some money.

sounds like I'm behind the times on this and that you've already moved on....BUT....I'm on this page so I might as well add a little.
I would sit down with him and ask him if the tables were turned, how would he feel/respond/react? That will tell you alot on how to handle the situation thereafter. Perhaps you've already done that; in which case, I'm stopping now. :)
G'luck!
Jen

Maybe you could suggest just going out to dinner/movie sans kiddos or something like that in place of an actual gift. We always set a limit and buy whatever the other wants (hubby always wants bike stuff, I always want credit for mani/pedi lol) and it works for us.

Another option that my bff does is buys her own gifts from the kids and family - wraps them - then opens on Christmas morning. Always strikes me as a little odd but in the end - she gets what she wants. Maybe not so weird after all...

Hmm. Tough one. Perhaps say that you'd like to get a "Family Board Game" so he can go pick one out that he'd be willing to play. (My husband doesn't like games, so this would be a good challenge for him to get one he'd like, plus one that we could play with the whole family. I hear Uno Roboto is fun).

Or ask for something he can't mess up: "I want a massage from X spa." or "I want a pedicure/manicure from X nail salon." or "I want a date night with you; no kids. Dinner and a Movie."

I totally know what you're saying. Last year I got a gun for Xmas from my husband. In one year I have not ever shot it. I can't wait for this year. He does not ask me what I want. So I decided this year to buy myself things and do my own Christmas shopping. At least I'll be happy with the new earrings or new boots. Husband will be happy he didn't have to shop for me. The only reason I won't be happy is b/c husband doesn't 'try.' Oh well.

i would buy it yourself lol. my husband always wants pricey things. therefor i take the back seat and get something cheaper that i can use a lot. last year i bought him a rifle and a gun case that locks. spent 400 total on him plus other things on him. he spent 40 bucks and got me a waxing set (which i love). i sometimes just wish that he would think of me and spend a little more on me instead of him getting the big gift. this year he wants a 400 dollar hunting bow. that i will probably get him. so most of my money goes on him and our daughter. i just kind have taught myself to enjoy taking the back seat on things. though the one year he did get me the best gift ever! our first xmas together (dating) he got me a beautiful diamond ring ;)

I shop for people the way you do. KUDOS to you for that BTW. I'm sorry you've received such bad gifts, I've gotten the same until my husband came into my life. can you do something so bold as to tell him you will be buying your own presents this year as he keeps getting you things he likes and not what you want? I know it may sound harsh but it seems to me that will be the only way he will get it.
Let him know your not trying to hurt his feelings, you know really talk with him about the situation, calmly. But without getting angry if possible. If that doesn't work or you don't want to do it then write it all down to him in a letter but clear and to the point.

Just tell him to suprise you instead of giving a list. He wants to give too, lik,e you do. Dont take that away from him. You want to give to him, so let him give to you.

He asks you for a list because he is a guy, and guys are awful at taking what they know about you and figuring out a gift that fits you. They cant help it. Maybe his mom didn't teach him how to, or maybe she tried and it didn't take.

you already got a million replies but please just Tell Him!!! Tell him it hurts or bugs you that you asked for a specific measuring spoon set and he got you a different one. He needs practice, and this is good for him, so don't let him off the hook so easily.

Some great ideas already - the Mamas on this site are amazing. We've been married 30 years. We started out giving gifts and it stopped when we had kids - we didn't need anything, and if we did, we bought it.

I wish I had some wonderful advice, but other than just being brutaly honest with him, (Honey, I love you and you are gift enough for me), I would ask to RETURN whatever he gets you that you don't want. My hubby bought me a beautiful pair of diamond and emerald earrings one year (the last year we exchanged gifts by the way) and when everyone was done uhhhing and ohhhing over them, I asked if I could return them because although they were absolutely lovely, they'd never get worn because I'd have to REALLY dress up to be able to wear them and perhaps he wouldn't mind if I got a pair of diamond studs instead. That was the last gift he ever gave me (which is FINE with me).

If I see something I know he would really love - I buy it and give it to him as a just because I love you gift (or hold onto it for his birthday and let one of the kids give it to him). I don't want to start that gift giving thing all over again!!!! Christmas is about the gift God gave us!!!!

He probably gets a lot of pleasure out of gift-giving, so I'd be careful what I said to him. I love A. E's idea below--tell him that for Christmas you want a special date with him, and on that date, you want to pick out gifts for each other together. Tell him you think that would be tons of fun and that would make you happy. Good luck!

Three ideas:

1. Suggest that you each by yourselves a gift this year. That way you'll get what you want, and he can buy something he really likes and it will actually be FOR him.

2. Buy a gift for him that you really like.

3. When you tell him what you want, make it a gift for him. Tell him you really want something that you know he wants, let him buy it and then use it later. That way at least the gift gets used, and you'll have done a selfless thing for someone else for Christmas.

I'm the one in our house who wants to exchange gifts. My husband would rather not; he says we can buy what we want when we want it; why do we need to exchange gifts? But he does it for me anyway. I dunno, I may stop forcing him to do it. This year I had to order my Christmas gift from him myself, anyway.

Well...that's a tuffy. If it were me, to avoid hurt feelings, I'd say "How about you take me shopping or a gift card instead would be great too, that way I can get exactly what I asked for." If he asks 'why' (in the case that he likes to 'surprise you') just explain that while you appreciate his efforts in getting things you ask for, he never get's WHAT you ask for, it's always the item but a different version of it & it seems that he gets you what 'he' likes instead so it'd be best just to take you shopping. My husband does much the same way w/me so I completely understand where you're coming from. I can hint & point out & make it plain as day but still I get either nothing or a goofy gift or a lotto ticket, something that I don't care for. Once he forgot our anniversary & ran out at the last minute & got me a card & a Reeses Cup (white choc which I Iike but still, last minute). I'm the same way as you, I prefer thinking about the gift & giving something homemade or something they can use or the recipiant would like. I've always been given gifts, growing up, that the giver liked but I didn't have any use for. I accumulated a LOT of handbags & purses that didn't match anything & that I really wouldn't use or perfume I was allergic to or a country/western music cassette when I like rock music or some silly gift that had no meaning or thought behind it. Hope this helps, good luck!

How about you have him pick you out something from victoria secrets? I gave my husband free reign to put sexy things in my stocking... this should be fun ;)

Print out what you have typed here and hand it to him. Sometimes the written word will stick in his head better than anything you can verbally articulate.