My marriage is falling apart. My husband has a professionally diagnosed mental disorder and won't get help. Anyway, it's hard for me to know what is normal and not because I've been living with Mr. Crazy for so long. So I'm checking with you.
I'm a bit upset with him right now because he lost his temper last night. This morning, he watched a movie with our boys, then went upstairs to take a shower, and then disappeared. We had to look in the driveway to discover that he and his car are gone. We had no idea he'd left. That bothers me. It means he's mad. I give you this background because I wonder if I'm mad because of that, or about the thing I'm about to tell you:
I got on FaceBook a few minutes ago and found the pictures I'd taken of our son's Pinewood Derby last night, posted by my husband. I hadn't uploaded the pictures off my camera yet. When I say my camera, I mean MY camera. I have a nice DSLR that DH gave to me a few years ago, and he's supposedly afraid to touch it. He has his own camera, but I'm the family photographer and take most of the pictures. So it is very much MY camera. Or at least, that's how I thought of it.
My camera was sitting in my computer hutch, so it's not like he dug through my stuff to get to it. But it bugs me that he got my memory card out of my camera and got the pictures off of it. I checked, and my card is not back in my camera.
I have a problem with him respecting my things. He calls anything that's not his "garbage," sometimes throws my stuff away, and other times just piles it up somewhere and then yells at me to clean it up. Yeah, that's a big problem in our marriage. He also freaks out if I borrow something of his (we're talking a stapler or pair of scissors) and don't put it back immediately (recently he raged around the house and didn't talk to me for hours because I didn't put his fingernail clippers back---I told you he was Mr. Crazy!). So the fact that he didn't put my memory card back would be a major offense if I were like him.
Another factor that might be adding to my discomfort with this situation, but isn't his fault at all, is that I had a ton of pictures of me on there, some not flattering. I was trying to take my own arms-length photo for Facebook, and I'm super self-conscious, like I'm stuck up or something for having 200+ photos of myself. Like I said, it's not his fault that those pictures were on there, or that I'm self-conscious that he saw them before I edited them and deleted the bad ones.
K, so there you have it. If your husband took your memory card out of YOUR camera, would you have a problem with it? Or do you think it's the other factors that are bugging me?
Thanks, ladies. I sort of suspected that.
And no, my husband isn't really willing to do counseling (which is the treatment for his disorder) either by himself or together. He went to a counselor twice, but skipped his last appointment. I made an appointment to go together, and we'll see if he really will go. He acts like I made an appointment to amputate his legs, though.
And I'm about ready to kick him out of the house. I've given him so many chances to get help, to change, to be a good person, but if he just won't or can't overcome his problems, there's no reason why we have to sit around and watch him self-destruct.
I would have a problem with a husband with a diagnosed mental disorder who refused to get help for it. The behaviors just sound like symptoms of the mental disorder.
I don't consider anything just "mine" in my marriage. My husband and I share everything. We've never had an issue like this.
I'm going to venture to say that it's the bigger things like leaving without telling you that make the little things seem a lot worse. You need to work on the bigger issues in your marriage.
If your husband were not so angry about you borrowing his stuff, would you feel this way? If not then 2 wrongs don't make a right. Just my opinion.
Have you guys gone to counseling over these issues?
What you are talking about is a lack of respect. It doesn't matter what it is of yours he taking or using he doesn't respect you or your things. He went and took and shower and just left without saying anything to you or the kids, again this is lack of respect. And yes it would bother me.
Since he has a diagonsed mental illness, see if you can have him involuntarily commited. The laws differ in each state so you would need to contact Social Services and see what you need to do. The usual commitment is 3 days (72 hours) but that is enough time to start them on medication and maybe set him up in a half-way house. I would make it a condition of the marriage that he stay on medication and continue treatment. If he truly wants to be married to you he will continue treatment. If not you will divorce him.
You may also want to consider counseling for yourself so you can start to identify what is considered normal in a marriage and how to handle his illness.
Ok, here's my thought, It's a little bit less about the pictures and more about the entire Ball of Crazy that he is.
In a normal marriage, he would be cluing you in on what he is doing. Like he would have said, i want to post those pictures tonight, and then you say ok give me a minute and i'll take care of it, or here you go hunny take my camera and do it, oh and by the way ignore those shots of me I was trying to take a head shot.
And there is no way he would just take off for a drive or to go to the store or anythign without telling you OR i have to say with out you noticing- i'll give you a break though since i'm sure you have a ton on your hands without keeping track of him.
So i think you have a right to feel violated, Family Photographer is a big thing that gives you identity and benefits your family and is a creative outlet for you so for him to take it with out asking wasn't nice. Add the double standard of him freaking out over the nail clippers and yeah you could be justified if you choose to be upset over it.
Honestly though, unless you are going to take a good hard look and leave, i would just let this go. Try to get a normal male figure for your kiddos to be around so they don't grow up thinking this is normal.
Sounds to me like it's the other factors and what is represented by him not taking care of your things is the bigger picture. It doesn't seem like he was snooping thru a cell phone record or your personal journal and if you hadn't told him to stay away from your camera, why not? It really sounds as this is much deeper issue than a memory card...Wishing you a better outcome.
Does your husband have a mental illness - treatable with meds and counseling - or does he have a personality disorder which has more to do with character issues and is rarely treatable? For example, narcissistic personality disorder is extremely hard to change by its very nature, since the narcissist thinks he is always right and devalues everyone else's opinion, including the therapist's.
There is alot about your husband's behavior that would bug me! It's no wonder you feel uncomfortable when he uses your camera. He really keeps you on edge, between his temper, disappearing, throwing away your stuff, yelling at you, and using your stuff without asking. I'm guessing that this works for him, by keeping you off-balance, he's in control.
So would I have a problem if someone in my family took my memory card out of my camera? Yes, I'd be annoyed but be able to address the issue with the culprit because we keep short accounts in my home. However, if this were one of many issues like those you are dealing with, it would be more upsetting because it would be one more example of how little say I had in my own home. I'm sorry you are being treated like you don't matter. It may be "normal" because that's how things have been for so long. But you DO matter, and I hope you can get some answers soon to help you figure out how best to respond.
This situation very much reminds me of women trying to live a normal life with an alcoholic, or an addict.
You can't apply logic to situations caused by insanity (literally or figuratively).
Your husband has mental health issues and I hope he is under a doctor's care. If he's not he should be. If he "WON'T" that's another situation entirely.
Good luck!
I vote for the other things.
I seriously thought when I was reading your post about how "it's very much your camera," you were going to say he broke it or something, or deleted the pictures. Uploading pictures is a very small issue to get so worked up over. I think it's a combo of everything else you deal with.
If he's not willing to get help for his illness, will he get help for your marriage? Maybe counseling?
Good Luck.
The picture thing wouldn't bug me. In our house it is 'our' camera not mine or his. As is most of our stuff. The fact that you guys are so protective of your own things is a huge problem in and of itself. And I think it is a symptom of the relationship that you guys have probably always had. While he does sound bad I do not think you are without culpability here. Sounds like you both need some counseling if your relationship is to be salvaged.
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About the camera, sure I'd be upset about pics being on facebook I didn't want there. However, you're married. There is no mine and his.
On the mental disorder he won't get treatment on, get out now. You have children learning his "crazy" behavior. They don't get and understand it's because of a mental disorder. If he won't get treatment, you need to get him out (legally, of course). You could be putting your kids in danger.
Looks like I'm chiming in late but I'll post it anyway,
1. We don't have our own stuff that no one else touches. So a camera used for family picture taking is certainly fair game for him to touch/use.
2. I understand about feeling insecure about pics you took and thinking no one else was going to see them, but he IS your husband. So it's not like he snooped or doesn't know what you look like - smile.
3. If YOU feel like you're about to kick him out, then you definitely should try to talk with him and get into MARRIAGE counselling. Don't harp on him about his issues - try to work on "your" issues (as a couple). Sure his behavior affects you and your marriage, but if you point out his disorder instead of his behavior and how it makes you feel, he'll likely withdraw and not be interested in going to therapy as he'll just see it as a "nag on John" session. Maybe it would help if you had a male counselor so he doesn't feel ganged up on?
Best wishes.
I have a professional camera and my husband knows how to operate the basic functions of it...because I've shown him how so he can take pictures of me and our children from time to time so I wouldn't necessarily be upset if he used my camera because he was using it for me. He has taken out my memory card for little projects he and the kiddos work on for me but he knows that camera is mine without a doubt and he handles it with the utmost care. Yes, I would be beyond mad if my husband took out my memory card and didn't promptly put it back. I'd fear he lost it which would very much upset me.
It sounds to me like there are way more issues here than just your camera stuff. Have you considered counseling or talking to a pastor, if you attend a church?? He has double standards and that is not fair.
No, it would not bother me that hubby took the memory card out of my/our camera. As in your marraige, I'm the family photographer so the camera is more on the mine side, but bottom line is it's OURS. Same thing with tools, those are on the his side, since he uses them 98% of the time compared to my 2%, but still ours. However, what would bother me is if he did not communicate with me.
I don't think it's this one issue that's bugging you. I think it's the overall status of your situation. You know he has an illness, so you need to learn to deal with it. If he refuses to get the help he needs, then you have a difficult decisson to make.
leaving w/out saying anything: pissed
memory card: irritated
if there's lots of piles of stuff i'd ask myself if i was a slob or he was ocd.
ha.
good luck!
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. You do not deserve the way he is treating you and his mood instability. You deserve to be in a normal marriage, which is what you thought you were getting when you married him.
Honestly, I don't think this is about the camera. I think that in all fairness to you and your children, if your husband cannot be helped, or refuses help, you have grounds for an annulment because he very obviously lacks the capacity to be in a marriage. I don't think marriage counseling can fix whatever causes him to behave the way he does.
My concern is also for your children because I think it causes anxiety in children to be in an environment where a parent loses their temper frequently for no reason. They don't know when it'll happen again. I don't think it's fair to them to have to live with "Mr. Crazy", but obviously I'm really working here with the few details I have- maybe he's not like that around the children. Whatever you decide I wish you alll the best :)
It's always nice when people are respectful with your property and ask permission before they touch your stuff and dowload pictures from your camera onto their FB profile. I don't think I'd be as upset about my husband touching my camera as I would be of having photos of me out there posted on such a public forum without my knowledge or consent. I think my husband would have exercized a great deal of judgment in selecting the most flattering pictures of me but, still, I'd be a little miffed.
I think though, that you have a number of issues with your husband and the camera issue is just one more thing. If I were you, I'd probably be less angry about the camera breach and more angry that he just took off from the house without telling anyone what he was doing? What if you had plans for the day and needed him to watch the kids? But that's just me though.
I know that there are somethings that bug me that don't bug my husband so he'll just let it slide whereas, I won't, and visa-versa. But I think what works for me and my relationship is not necessarily going to work with you and your's because the dynamics are different. I know that your husband is unwilling to get any professional help to treat his mental health issues but I'm wondering if you will on your own. No matter what ends up happening with your marriage (whether you keep it going or decide to call it quits), I think it would help for your to clear some of the emotional debris you have been storing inside of yourself as a result of this relationship.
Sorry that your weekend hasn't turned out all that great. Hopefully you'll be able to work all this out very soon.
