Would This *Iss You Off?

It could be that they don't want to risk doing work that you want only to find out that the other adult living in the home doesn't like it and they have to start over...

But, I would straight up ask them WHY they need my husband there.
Because if it was that thy would rather deal with a man, I would NOT hire them.

I have had contractors, repairmen and car salesmen talk past me to my ex with me standing right there, and never even acknowledge my presence, even though I was the one who had called them, and with every man I have been married to, I knew more about such things than they did. My last husband had the sense to say, "Talk to my wife. She's the one who knows what you're talking about." The others tried to bluff their way through negotiations they did not understand, and had I not put my foot down and insisted that the vendor deal with me, we would have gotten ripped off.

I'm guessing that is because you will both be making the decisions and they want to just get the bid done one time and be right. My husband is in the trades and everytime he meets with one half of a couple...it ends up being double work because they won't agree on anything (they think they do...but they don't) so he'll end up having to redo the bid once the other side gets involved. It's easier for them to make a policy that everyone is present.,

Um, well, my husband has asked for bids before and they required me to be present.

Sorry has nothing to do with sex so much as not wasting their time. It takes time to work up bids and those that just toss them out there are padding them to make up for the time they waste sending them out to people who aren't very committed.

So what I am saying is they are trying to weed out those that are like, oh, I wonder how much this costs and are then going to run it by their spouse. Yes men and women have their own money but I am pretty damn sure if Troy came home one night and found I had remodeled the kitchen he is going to be pissed. Not because I spent money but he should have input into the design, he lives there.

When I was single and was asked to have my husband there, I said I am single. Oh, okay, and they scheduled.

So sorry, no it wouldn't piss me off.
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Oh, and if you had said, my husband doesn't have the time and asked me to deal with this, they would have worked with you alone. They just don't want to waste their time.

Here is the deal. My husband and brother are both contractors. The problem they run into when only one spouse is present is that then the contractor starts working/ordering off what the one spouse says, then the other spouse may not agree w/ what their partner has decided and comes back to the contractor and wants to make changes after supplies are ordered or work has been started. Then who eats the cost/time that's already been spent? That is likely what is happening here.
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Melanie, when you are asking for a bid, the contractor has to do measurements and spend time working up a quote. Time translates to money. NO ONE wants to spend more effort/time on something than they have to. No one wants to go back and re-work a bid if they can avoid it. Hence, the need for both homeowners to be present so that all involved are on the same page. I would be *very* surprised if there were any sexism behind this, I really would.

It has nothing to do with you being a W.. It has everything to do with decision making and both home owners being present.

I made a decision on flooring without my husband. he didn't like it. Thank God the guy came by BEFORE we had the flooring laid - and we made a different choice that we BOTH LIKED.

It's not about you being a W.. When we have made contracting decisions - they have asked - EVEN WHEN MY HUSBAND made the appointment - that BOTH owners be present during the appointment.

Are you sure the problem is that you're a woman and not simply that they don't want to go through everything twice? I do think that service people treat women differently than men, but we are going through the same process and I find that when meeting with contractors, I ask more and better questions than my husband (even he thinks so). We work together better as a team and it's a pain in the butt for the contractors to have to repeat everything twice. I didn't even want to be involved until my husband had the contractors narrowed down, but it's better for both of us to be involved to make sure we have all our bases covered.

ETA: The contractor we're most likely going to work with spent well over an hour here on three different occasions - first gathering information and then meeting with us to go over his bid. It would have sucked for him to have to do that twice.

My contractor always preferred to meet with both of us. The contractor-husband-wife triangle is tricky and there's a lot of miscommunication that can happen when all three parties are not present. TRUST me, I've been through a major remodel, it's really important that everyone involved be on the same page re budget, timeline, materials, vision, etc. The contractor doesn't want to deal with "he said she said" stuff, it costs him time and money, which of course ends up costing YOU time and money.

It's not about you being a woman - it's about eliminating confusion from the get-go.

It depends on if it's a "hey, little lady, don't you worry your little head" vs. "ok, let's be on the same page, make sure that both spouses have the same picture in their heads re the job." Ask why - they may have been burnt my crazy spouse arguements ending up in non-payments, etc. If it's the "little lady thing" they can kiss off :)

I doubt it has to do with your sex and more to do with the fact they want both paying parties' opinions and ears as they divulge the details of the work they can do for you.

If it were me, I would straight up ask them why. They will either look at you like they just shi* (if it is because they are sexist) or they will tell you what I stated above. Then, you can make your decision. You also have the right to tell them you are perfectly capable of discussing the details of what they tell you with your husband at a later time and ask they put into writing what they are saying in case they are worried the "little lady" won't get it right.

I would also find it hard to believe if your hubby were doing the talking they would ask that you be sure to be included, but hey, I have been wrong before.....test it out - have your hubby do the calling and see if those same contractors that are asking for hubby to be present also request your presence.

=)

Did you ask them why? Maybe they just want to make sure both homeowners are on the same page, so that they don't have the husband telling them one thing and the wife another. Who's signing the contract and checks? If you're both on the contract it makes sense they would want you both present for discussions.

It's an antiquated practice and I personally wouldn't put up with it. Would they speak to your husband alone? Even if they just insist on talking to both parties at all times, it's still a bad way to do business, considering many couples work different schedules.
We had a flooring company do this to us 4 years ago. They asked if I was married when I called, then refused to come out and give us a quote even (and on only one room, so not a ton of money) unless my husband was also present. I told them that he and I worked opposite schedules and that simply wasn't possible, besides the house is in my name only so I was the sole decision maker. They still wouldn't come out. I wrote them an email telling them just what I thought of their antiquated and offensive attitude toward women and then proceded to tell EVERY woman I knew about it.

Some contractors do this as a CYA thing. It's not that they don't think you can make the decision, it's that they want to make sure both of the deciding parties are present so that nothing gets lost in translation and no one can come back later saying that the contractor wasn't clear in what they said they would do. Some others do this in an effort to get you to sign the day that they give the bid. Many contractors require the signatures of both people (if there are two) in order to move ahead with the remodeling, so if both are there for the bid, then they're more likely to get you to sign right then and there. My mom dealt with this with a contractor she was working with. Most likely, they're not being sexist. If you were a single woman, they'd talk just to you. If you were a lesbian, they'd probably ask that both women be there for the bid.

Depends on how they said it. Like already mentioned contractors prefer to prevent lots of changes mid-job so prefer to speak to both parties. Now if they had responded "look little lady, let me talk to your husband", then I would definitely have to set them straight. But if the reposnse was that they would only speak to you and your husband, no problem. And like mentioned, contractors, realators, even doctors, are getting very leary of being alone with the opposite sex.

I think it likely is bc they want both spouses opinions and buy in before they spend time... I doubt it has anything to do with gender. A window company insisted on this too. DIdn't matter which one of us was going to be missing, we both had to be there. Now, if you are the ultimate decision maker and write the checks, you could tell them that and then they should respect that. If this happened to me, I likely would have said that my husband has very little input/opinion on this type of thing and I am paying the cost so he doesn't need to be present. If the contractor insisted, I'd tell him to hit the road too.

I don't think it has to do with your sex, it is because in a marriage there are two decision makers, and both need to be present to make these kinds of decisions. I imagine they would have told your husband he needs his wife to be present as well.

Have you asked them why?

Perhaps this is actually a matter of them respecting a woman alone in the house, and not because they think you don't know anything about the job. Or perhaps it's their way of respecting their OWN wives.

My husband won't spend time alone, one-on-one, with a woman. He will have myself or another person present. It has nothing to do with misogyny...it's because he is placing hedges of protection around our marriage. Nobody can ever accuse him of impropriety because he is never in an inapproriate situation with another woman.

Just another way to look at it.

I worked in sales for years. It doesn't matter if this is in home sales or business to business sales, the sales person wants both decision makers to be present. Many sales people work on commision only or a very small base + commision. In many cases there is no expense account for car expenses (gas - oil -tires etc) or for meals on the road. If the salesperson has to drive a considerable distance to meet with you and then come back again to speak to you and your husband he/she loses money. Yes, the milage is dectuctable but that doesn't make up for the time spent to drive to your home twice to deliver the same message. If he/she can close the sale in one trip, the salesperson can set an appointment to meet with another prospect and hopefully close that deal. So 2 closes in a week instead of none.

Also in this economy, sales mangers really put on the pressure to sell sell sell. If the salesperson meets with you and doesn't close the deal on the first call, the salesmanager will come down on them for not closing.

It is very easy for you to say 'give me the info and I will talk to my husband about it and I will call you next week'. To you it's not that important, to the salesperson it might be the difference in keeping his/her job. If you don't call in 2-3 days he/she will call you, if you don't have a decision for him/her you will get another call. It's not harrassment, it often the sales manager telling him/her to call until a contract is signed.

I think it has nothing o do with you being able to make a decision alone. I think it it is a lot of work, they want your other half there be it man, woman or beast. I would not get worked up over it. You may be passing up a good contractor that comes in with low bids.

I don't think it would upset me-- I think they want to hear from all parties.

Frankly, we've had a lot of work done on our house this year and I would rather my husband talk with the guys than myself. I'm the one home with them most of the day, and so if he needs to get tough with them on one point or another, the message isn't coming from me. He also has *very* strong opinions on some things, whereas I don't, so I think it's better that he be the contact person. I can point some things out to them, but I'm also a bit more of a relaxed 'that sounds fine' person while my husband has a very clear vision of what he wants.

It all works out. :)

ETA: the whole sexual aspect of avoiding meeting a woman who is home alone seems strange to me, personally. I have had service people here-- just yesterday, a very nice plumber was here for a half hour with just me. Maybe it's because I'm not c.r.a.z.y.-- I would never dream of accusing a person of doing something inappropriate if they didn't, period. I've had chimney sweeps, plumbers, appliance repair people here, all by my lonesome. That seems to be strange business practice... can you imagine your local HVAC repair saying "we can't come do a service call unless your husband is home"? That said, I do think having both parties present is really likely about good communication.

What did he mean by it? Was he dismissive of you? I would ask them, if they won't do the bid without DH present then will they adequately address your concerns with the work if he's not around? Would they do the bid with just him and not you? If so, why? If that was the attitude, I'd skip it. I'd also be annoyed if they didn't say this upfront and were there waiting for your DH. My DH and I can't always take off the same day for such things.

Frankly, I have no time to deal with people who can't deal with me. Under most circumstances, I would find it annoying and potentially insulting. There have been plenty of times when I handled work on my own home and DH was not able to be here. I installed my own washer, even.

Regardless, get their bids IN WRITING. To me, that would eliminate the need to have both parties there. It's in writing. My DH can read.

ETA: The high pressure sales pitch doesn't go well with either DH or I. DH once escorted a guy out of our home and off our property. I realize it is people's livelihoods - DH used to be in sales - but it is also your money.

I would not jump to conclusions. Something as major as a remodel for a couple (married hetero or homo is irrelevant) means that both parties should hear what information is being relayed. It saves miscommunications and extra follow-ups and questions by having both parties present for the conversations.

Once the work has started, it should be clear that either of you has authority to authorize changes or whatever. But during original estimations etc, I would think it is a big time saver to have ALL interested parties present during the negotiations/discussions.

And I've never experienced any "discrimination" by being a woman. I have actually found that most of these types of services, the workers defer more to me than my husband---they know women make lots of these decisions, and often men defer to their wives. But if you contacted them initially as a couple, then expect the negotiations to include both of you.

I think a key point is: Why does the contractor even know you have a husband to ask? I guess a contractor could see the wedding ring on your hand and assume...but that would be stupid, since anyone can wear a ring and be single or not wear a ring and be married! I'd be peeved too and would probably say something like, "I don't need anyone else's approval on this project and IF I hired you, you would deal with me, but since that seems to be an issue for you, thanks for your time but I'll deal with a company that doesn't assume I don't know what I want."

I get the idea of "we want everyone on the same page here" but these days, when firms should be fighting for your business, if a firm acts like you describe I would just forget them and say I'm finding someone who wants my business more than they do and acts like it. Maybe some businesses have had bad experiences with being jerked around when one half of a couple says yes and the other half comes back saying no, but that is not your problem as the customer. You were offended and were right to move on to other firms.

Although it's very possible they're being sexist, I'm more inclined to believe they don't want to waste your time and their time. They want to make sure you and your husband are both on the same page and cover all their bases with you both at one time. If you're both going to be giving input and making decisions together, you both SHOULD be there for the meetings...and wouldn't you both WANT to be there to get the info from the contractors firsthand?

OR they think this is MAN'S work and ladies shouldn't be involved. Either way, it wouldn't p!ss me off. One way, I respect their need to see us both, the other way, they simply don't get my business.

My husband and I are currently under contract for a $15,000 remodeling job in the room above our garage. Pretty much all of the meetings leading up to the work were attended by both of us, in fact, we both had to sign the contract paperwork. Many, many decisions have been made and like the others said, I suspect these particular contractors like having everybody's cards laid out on the table at one time. Definitely cuts down on the chance that there could be major changes later because there was some time of miscommunication or disagreement on what you and your husband each wanted.

Your husband ought to let those contractors have it. They are being disrespectful to his wife. And he is being disrespectful of you by telling you that you're taking it too seriously. Shame on them both.

I had this happen to me. I told another contractor about it and he said, they do that so they can do a high pressure sale pitch and get you to sign a contract that meeting...with a so called first visit discount.

I've only read a few responses, but you were just asking for "bids"; you hadn't even made a decision, therefore, I would take it as you did and these guys are "pigs". I understand them wanting your husband there if you were signing off or something, because both of you need to be in agreement, but when asking for bids, I would think they would want the job, and real contracts know better than to piss off the wife!

It's just because they want to meet with all decision makers so that they can close the deal. People who do this are generally hard-sell contractors who will push you to make a quick decision...they'll offer you a discount if you sign a contract immediately, etc. I don't work with people who operate this way - we've had plenty of decent contractors do work on our house (plumbing, septic, electrical, general construction, landscaping, tree work etc.) who spoke or met with just my husband or me. The only real a-holes who did that demeaning "I need to meet with the man of the house BS" were flooring and window companies.

When we had our kitchen done, the contractor explained that he wanted my hubby present to be sure we both agreed on the scope of work. I don't think it has anything to do with your gender, per se, just that he wants to be sure you are both on the same page before he gives the bid.

I would be irked. Everything goes through me first. I vet all contractors, works, doctors, etc. All communication goes through me. My husband doesn't have time for it. Now, he makes the final decision on the people I've approved, but the only time he takes time from his day is if financial negotiations aren't going well. So, if there were contractors needing to talk to him, I'd say thank you, but no thank you - clearly they wouldn't work with our dynamic.

No.

In fairness, men get the short end of the stick in certain arenas. Hubs was routinely ignored during- wedding planning, all things pre-natal, by decorators, in furniture shops, at bakeries and caterers. Hubs and our male nanny also reported getting the stink eye from librarians, staff and coordinators at mommy & me groups, and even at the playground.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

To answer your title question, no it wouldn't.

This is how the business works, no sexism here. I deal with contractors and homeowners doing renovations, all T's must be crossed & I's dotted by both spouses and contractor. It's a waste of time and money for Contractors to not meet with both homeowners at the same time.

When I was building my first home, they asked the same question, but since I know the business, I was not offended.

Just like when you buy a home or refinance, I HATE when spouses think they can meet at different times; um no both parties must be present due to homestead laws and my time, closers don't get paid twice for two different closings. For some reason people just don't get this, I've had people say "but I make all the decisions, my spouse will just sign when he comes in".

Happy remodeling

He is not being sexist at all, and it doesn't have anything with you being a woman.In my line of work, we too, prefer to meet with both spouses. You'd be surprise how their ideas are COMPLETELY different from one another. And even though they've discussed the idea, they still are both on completely different pages, and totally different expectations. Meeting both at the same time gets everyone on the same page. Something like a remodel is a big deal, and can possibly become a legal battle if everyone doesn't agree. So they're not being sexist they are just covering their butts. When I meet with the husband and wife at the same time, most become my clients. When I've met with one spouse alone, it has NEVER worked out-not even once.

I would have done the same as you and would have told them exactly why I decided not to use them.

I think you're taking it too seriously. The only thing that matters is to get a really good contractor.

I agree. If you were single or part of a same sex couple, they'd have no case. So they have no case. I would forget them as potential businesses to do the job based on that. Whether or not you take it to another level, like the BBB, is up to you. But let them know you won't be recommending them in future based on this, as it's borderline discrimination.

I'll be honest, I doubt it's a sexist issue at all. When there are really big household decisions to make such as the ones like remodeling and getting bids from contractors, those are things that I would be making absolutely certain that my husband is present for and part of the decision making process. We're there to back each other up and remind each other of things the other might forget... plus there's the whole United Front thing. Not only that, but I frankly dislike having to repeat everything that just happened during a meeting with the high chance I'll forget to mention some important details to my husband so that we can make an informed decision together (since I wouldn't make the decision without him being present).

If I were single, that would be a moot point. If I were in a lesbian marriage I would still want my spouse there the same as my husband.

Along with what others are saying, it also prevents decisions being put off by the whole, "well I need to talk to my husband/wife before making a decision." I honestly use that line often. If I feel pressured to make a quick decision or want to do more research or whatever I say that & get off the pressure hook. I *can* make any decision I want but then again, as a couple, we have decided that any decision monetarily valued at over $50 (that isn't our own personal "fun" money) has to be discussed. We have goals & that's one more way for us to meet them.

It may be more of a respect issue on his part. Most of the men at my church will not enter my house unless my husband is home or their wife is with, for example, so if you are doing these conversations in person it may be something like that.

If you were speaking on the phone, perhaps I would question it...but still, I think it's smart to have both of you present for things like this anyhow...it's not just your house, but his as well.