Would You Be Upset? - Peabody,MA

My grandpa would take me out for ice cream when I was in trouble all the time. Much to my mothers dismay.

It did not ruin my mothers authority over me or change things at home. It did give me an advocate who I knew loved me always and I was always his "little doll".

I so cherish those memories of my grandfather...and a lot of the time was spent talking about what I did and what a better choice would be the next time.

Let them have their special time...grandparent/grandchild relationship is just different and a bit more lenient. He/we never lied to my mom though about it, he was very upfront..."I took my little doll out for an ice cream and she is going to be a good girl."

HUGS!!

Ice cream? With a grandpa? Was he grounded from ice cream with grandpa? Why even go to practice if he was grounded? There are much bigger things (real things) to be upset about.

It's a grandparent's job to do this. It makes us crazy, but it's what memories are made of! I skipped a whole day in high school and went to my grandparents' house! They didn't rat me out and when my parents found out they were a little upset about me not being where I was supposed to be, but laughed at the fact that I went to see my Nana and Pop-Pop! My Nana passed away almost a year ago and it's a memory I hold dear. If my parents would have freaked out about it, I may not have it as such a great memory. Let it go.

I think your FIL sounds great!

Let it go. My kids don't have grandpas that would ever want to take them anywhere one of one. Each side of the family has grumpy-I-don't-like-kids grandpas that pretty much ignore my children and all their other grandchildren.

What a blessing for you and your son to have a grandpa that takes your kid places and spoils him a little with extra attention and affection - someone to be treasured!

Well, your son is not talking back to your FIL now, is he?
Your FIL might feel different about it if your son starts mouthing off to him.
Let it go. Don't let your son try to play you against your FIL.
Grandpa just wanted some fun with your son without dealing with punishments or consequences.
Next time he's grounded, you and your husband are going to have to be his wardens.

I think I would be more upset that he asked your son to keep a secret from you, that is dangerous. Praise your son for telling you, even though he was given permission from an adult to lie about it. I guess the best news is that your son knew it was wrong, he knew he was grounded, and he felt bad, or he would not have told you!

Pat yourself on the back for instilling values in your son!

M.

I have learned that it is just best to laugh at things like this. If this is the worst thing your FIL does, take your son for ice cream while being grounded, I say he is a pretty good guy!! In a few years your son will look back at this and laugh. Your FIL sounds like a typical man!! It is kind of funny and cute if you step back and think about it!!

As a granny of a happy and cooperative 4.5yo grandboy, I do not agree that grandparents "need" to spoil their grandchildren. Subverting the parents' rules, giving in to or even nurturing materialistic impulses are NOT loving the child, they confuse and lay the groundwork for future misunderstanding. They can also be a cheap bid for buying the child's affection or loyalty, and undermine the child's respect for his parents. If a parent puts their child in our care, it is responsible and loving to honor the parents' rules and restrictions.

That said, I don't think I'd necessarily be furious with granddad. I'm not sure what he was "practicing," but ice cream after could have been part of the deal to keep your son on his best behavior. The fact that your son was even out with granddad in the first place sounds, to me, like your own possible lifting of the grounding, at least for that one time period. So there are some dangling circumstances that are not clear to me….

I'm with Shane on being glad my child would tell me truthfully that rules were broken. There are times when that could be critical information. Sounds like you're establishing good communication with this little boy. You might have a further conversation with your son, asking him what he thinks would be the appropriate thing to do if a similar situation arises again, and why. If he's more than 3 years old, you might be amazed at he wisdom and originality that spills out of his clever little head.

I'd want to talk to your FIL and ask him his side of the story. He may well have one, and it might be reasonable. If it's not, then I would explain why you feel it's important that he not countermand your rules, and that it makes you more reluctant to let him take your son out alone.

I probably wouldn't make a federal case out of it but I would let him know that I knew so that in the future if he feels the need to disregard a more serious instruction on your part he'll think twice and remember that it won't be kept secret.

As for your son, I'd thank him for telling me the truth and explain the importance of not having secrets from mom and dad, but I would also let him know that he knew he was suppose to come straight home and although it was tempting he should have told Grandpa no thank you maybe another time.

Good luck,
K.

If my dad did this. I would let it go.....Something about gramps doing this is kind of a thing Grandparents do. Maybe he just wanted an ice cream between him and his grandson. I really do not think you should make this a big deal. Next time he is punished make sure you or your husband takes him. Let remain a secret. Its not harmful.

I would be mad, but I have come to learn that grandparents are the good guys, and love to make the grandkids happy. I remember mine doing that and that is kind of what makes them special. I realized you have to pick your battles and even if you scream it really wont change it in the end. Just be happy they are there for them.

I would flat out tell him that it is unacceptable to 1. break the rules you set for a reason, and 2. force your son to lie about it. Well, actually, since it's FIL, I would have my husband do it. My MIL has seen what happens to our daughter when she doesnt follow the rules (meltdowns, etc) and so far she's been following them since.

How could you be ticked? I wish my boys HAD a grandfather to take them to practice and spoil them a little, but they're both dead.

I would be very upset. He has totally undermined your authority as a parent. Also by telling your son not to tell you he has taught him it is okay to lie to you as well. Since it is your FIL, I believe it is your husbands job to speak to his father and lay down the law. If he cant respect your rules as parents then you have to have a serious discussion on how much he can be actively involved as grandparent.

yah that is not 'nice.' Your FIL is 'teaching' your child how to lie.....
you both told FIL specific rules.
I would.... talk about it with your son... explain to him that FIL was not appropriate... and he is NOT the "parent." That you and Hubby, make the rules. NOT Grandpa.
Your son, has to be explained to, about this and your expectations.
But don't make it all his fault... your son DID afterall, tell you and was HONEST about it. So praise him for that.

Next time FIL allows him something he is not allowed... 'teach' your son how to tell his Grandpa something like "No, I can't do that/have that... thank you, but I am respecting my parents..."
Use this as a 'teaching' opportunity for your son.... and HOW to say things, to his Grandpa or other people, to decline things or that to say he "will not lie..."

all the best,
Susan

Hmmm, before you jump on you FIL, find out his intentions. Maybe he wanted a setting to have a "man-to-man" talk with him abouthis talking back/behavior. After all, it takes a village... Sometime indirect parental figures can help a kid work through issues for positive change.

I would let it go. After all, he got to go to practice while being grounded. Why not get ice cream too!

I would be upset with the FIL definitely. I understand that Grandparent need to spoil, but not when the kid is grounded. Your son should be commended for telling you. Your hubby needs to talk to his dad and let him know that you appreciate his help and wanting to spend time, but that he needs to be a part of the discipline process. If FIL wanted to spend time with your son, he could have stopped to buy icecream and come home to eat it with him. Good luck with getting FIL on the same page!

Ya. I would be upset with my FIL. You didn't say how old your son is, but your FIL is the adult in this situation and he should have honored your wishes. Be sure to tell your son you are glad that he told you what Grampa did and said, and gently explain that Grampa "broke the rule" about coming right home. It's hard enough to raise kids these days without another adult backbiting your authority. Either you or your hubby (prefereably your hubby since it is his dad) should tell Grampa that it's not ok to undermine the rule you had set down in this instance, and you really don't want it to happen again. Any other time would have been ok, but not this time. And it's not a good idea for an adult to tell a child to keep a secret that the adult knows goes against the wishes of the parents. I speak from experience in this one because my in laws used to do this frequently. and it ticked me off. and I kept telling them that they wouldn't be happy if I stopped their visits. so they put the kids in the middle and "told" them to ask if it was ok to do something, when they KNEW beforehand that it wasn't!! Thats all I am saying for now. I will get off the soapbox now.

It is a big deal when grandparents undermine parental authority. There is a very simple solution-the next time your father in law wants to take your son to his practice, don't let him-especially if your child is already in trouble. The fact that he not only disregarded what you wanted, but told your son to LIE is absolutely unacceptable. Perhaps he'll think you're blowing it out of proportion, but that's too bad. Your job is hard enough without the people who are supposed to be your support system making it harder. Maybe others wouldn't care, but they also probably have kids that are sneaky, disrespectful and liars. I hope that your father in law will try supporting you in the future. God luck.

I would let it go. Grand parents are supposed to spoil the kids.

Were strippers involved? If not, then just laugh it off. Grandpa had to discipline his own kids, with yours he can try diplomacy. Being a good guy who just talks to you with coming down on you. Be thankful that your son has him.

yeah, I'd be upset.. it's called "respecting the boundaries you set".. grandparents think that they live in an alternate universe where they can do whatever they want.. I live with this every day... stand your ground on stuff and teach your child right from wrong.. and tell your child that HE will be punished if grandpa pulls stuff like that again.. That totally worked with my daughter.. gpa would say, Oh come on, mom doesn't have to know.. but my kid's conscience would get the best of her and she'd say no to whatever it was he wanted to do... and go to the source and make sure gpa knows the child will suffer.. otherwise, gpa can't take him when he's grounded to stop this from happening again.. good luck.. it's a never ending battle..

I have to agree with Daisey.
My grand-pa would do that with me once in a while...didn't spoil me or changed the respect I had for him or have for my parents. Grd-parents should follow the parents rules, I agree, but they also have to create a different bound.
That said, I don't know your FIL...so see if this repeats or maybe next time your son is grounded, just have him stay at home. The time with FIL will be when your son behave.

I would be ticked! Although, if hubby just said grounded, and not grounded from what, FIL could fake innocence.

This is your husband's job to speak to his dad. Suggest he ask Grandpa to see it from his point of view. No one wants an adult telling their child that it's OK to lie, to parents or anyone else. He can find ways to spoil your son without breaking the rules. If not, then your son shouldn't be going anywhere with Grandpa when he's grounded. And what a great kid you have to tell you!! Mine wouldn't have!

.

I'd be miffed. My (wonderful in most ways) MIL does this kind of thing. My take is to make it clear to my child that she is responsible for saying, "Thanks, gma, but I'm not supposed to." Ultimately she is responsible for her actions and she can get in trouble if she goes along with it. I remind her of this in front of gma, too. Of course, I can't enforce it, and it might just encourage the "don't tell mom" nonsense.

At the end of the day, I let my MIL know that I'm not happy about that, I tell my daughter in front of MIL so that MIL feels bad that she got the girl in trouble, then I completely let it go. I let it go because it isn't really going to ruin her life or make a big difference in how she grows up. It isn't happening all the time. I'm grateful for the relationship my dd has with my MIL and I just have to roll my eyes at some of the details.

I would let my FIL know about my upset; not with the treat but with the "not to tell Mom" part. If my FIL had discussed this with me either before or after the treat - okay - just some Grandpa special time. BUT not telling me or my husband - - BIG mistake on Grandpa's part! I do the whole "Shhh, don't tell Mommy and Daddy" with a special treat with my grandkids - but you can be sure that I've talked it over with my grandkid's parents first!
Also, if my son or daughter-in-law had told me specifically NOT to allow them a treat - that the grandkids were grounded and they were to come straight home, I would have honored their wishes and done so. If fact, I have. Tell Grandpa that you'll have to limit such times if he can't abide by your wishes!

I would be annoyed but let it go.

Honestly, that sounds like Grandpa being Grandpa. Don't' take it too personal. I'm sure he just wanted to spend a little more one on one time with his grandson, without him getting in trouble.
As long as this isn't a recurring issue, feel blessed you have a FIL that "enjoys" spending time with his grandkids and is a part of their lives......take care!

In my opinion a grounded child is grounded at home not with someone I let him or her go anywhere with. He was ungrounded as soon as he left home.

Did you son tell you that Grandpa said that? If so, I would praise him for his honesty. I would reinforce that we don't keep secrets. Make him the hero, and even consider lifting his punishment from him for his honesty. On another issue, I want to suggest that you reconsider the long-term punishments. I think it is important that we deal with discipline issues with our children immediately, then have repentance and forgiveness all around. Restore your relationships as quickly as possible. These long-term restrictions only teach our children to have hard hearts and learn to not care about these things, or being restored to us. We never use restrictions or unresolved punishments with our children. We have 6 children. The oldest 3 are teenaged boys. We have not had any of that teenaged rebellion or angst that is so common and expected from the youth. We have close, respectful relationships with our children. We would be so shocked if we ever had attitude/rebellion issues just because we are all so close and forgiving of each other (goes both ways!). Anyway, even though that wasn't your question, I thought I'd mention that!

I wouldn't cause an arguement with the FIL and lose your temper , but I would tell him that you know he took your son for ice cream and that he was told not to tell , tell him that he had no right to undermine you and your choice of punishment and make it clear that it cannot happen again , and that if it does then he won't be able to take him to his practice anymore

I get your reaction - it's the "don't tell mom" thing that is the real problem.

Another way to look at it is: If he was grounded, why did he get to go to practice at all? That might cure the back talk a lot faster!

I, personally, would've stuck 2 my guns...if MY son was grounded (I'm guessing it was something big), he would NOT:

1. Be permitted to attend practice AND games for a week
2. Same as #1, even if his grandfather took him AND then treated him for ice cream afterwards.

When a kid is grounded and grandparents come to visit, EVERYONE has 2 b on same page w/ discipline, consequences, etc....sends mixed messages to your son.

Keep tabs on your son, he might've selectively twisted his grandfather's arm to get his way, be careful! I'm sure your son is a good kid, just don't let him play U or your husband :)

Good luck :)

I'm coming in here late, but I don't think this has been addressed. I don't think it's fair to ask someone else to enforce your punishment. If your FIL is responsible to for taking him to practice then the punishment needs to not involve the practice. Or you need to take him to practice. You need to enforce your punishments, not expect someone else to.

Having said that, I can understand why you'd be upset by the situation. You specifically asked him not to go anywhere after practice and him saying "don't tell mom" can be a little concerning. But I think he meant no harm.

One more thing and then I swear, I'll stop rambling :D
One of my fondest memories of my grandfather is that he used to eat stuff from my dinner plate so I could have dessert. (I was a picky eater and the rule was, no dessert unless I ate all my dinner.) He didn't specifically tell me not to tell mom, but it was understood. He would always make a point to sit next to me and would "sneak" in bites when my mom wasn't looking. Seriously, it makes me smile right now, thinking about it. Turns out my mother knew all along (of course) and just feigned ignorance. :D

I'd be mad. Your husband explained to his father that the child was grounded! Depending on how long the behavior has been happening he should be happy he got to go to practice.

You and your husband made the rules and even the grandparents need to follow it. Of course, the grandparents like to spoil the kids but it can't happen when he is grounded.

Your husband needs to talk to his dad about this and explain that he was grounded due to poor behavior and lying to mom and dad does not help the situation. (If it was your parent I would say you need to have the discussion.) Your son is learning that there are consequences for good and bad behavior. Remind grandpa that he can absolutely go for ice cream at any other time...just not when a punishment is going on. Depending on your sons age I'm not sure he can say "oh i'm grounded I can't". A six year would probably have trouble with that...and may not even remember he's grounded. A ten year old is a different story. He can say...Nope not allowed because I talked back to mom and dad this week.

Although you have every right to be upset, this is a special connection between your FIL and your son-yes you found out and yes I believe your husband should say something to his Dad but there you are-it is his dad and what did they do when your husband was a kid? I think you might want to come up with an interesting puishment for your son-perhaps he should write a letter to you/your husband/your FIL(his grandfather-telling that he was not following the rules and was grounded then when he went with his grandfather it really was not in the best interest for his punishment-then make him read it out loud to all of you. (Not necessarily the whole family just the ones concerned) Be sure to correct his writing and English-if he is in fact going to continue to not listen and do things against your wishes there will be consequences and it should be done so he must explain this to all concerned. Later in life he may want to rethink what is going to happen to him and this may stop things that could really get him in big trouble. Children are often exposed to so many things without thoughts they don't know this could be something that could be big trouble mush later in his teens...talking and writing it all oout with all concerned could bring up his "good" side rather than sneaking around. It might also make grandpa understand that sometimes the kids should wait to have treats when they did something good. Good luck and don't expect grandparents to really understand just hope they will honor some of your wishes too.

My dad is like that with my kids. Regardless of what they have done, he praises them all the time and gives them treats...even when we say 'no' he'll go behind our backs. I think that's just a grandparent. Don't get too mad at him...although I know you are ( I get upset too). We'll be grandparents one day and I'm almost positive we'll all do the same thing. They say it's hard to watch your grandchildren get disciplined or to tell them 'no'. But it does make issues harder on you as the parent b/c it makes you look like the bad guy. But you know he means well...he's not the only one!!! :)