Would You Think Hubby Was Cheating? :( (Sorry for Length. I Tried to Shorten.)
Updated on
March 28, 2011
M.L.
asks from
Cleveland, TX
6
answers
Sorry, I tried to summarize as much as I could. Thanks ahead of time if you get through and give me your opinions. :)
Hubby works late sometimes. We own two businesses so totally understandable. This past Friday he had to stay late to work on equipment. I thought nothing of it. 10:00 rolls around and I text him to make sure he is OK. He texts me back to tell me he is almost done and will be home soon. 11:00 he is still not home. I text him, get nothing back. I call him, nothing. This goes on until finally at 2:00 a.m. I decide to look at up to the minute phone logs to see if he is just ignoring me or what. I see a number that I don't recognize and see he's texted back and forth about 100x a day since January with this number! I look up the number, and it is a girl he went to high school with. I decided to load the kids up to check on him. That's when I catch him with this girl in our travel trailer parked at our business. They WERE clothed. The first thing he tells me though is, 'I don't love you anymore.' THEN, he proceeds with they're just friends, (which I would think should be the first thing he said). I told him 'just friends' don't text each other 100x plus a day, then spend 4 1/2 hrs alone in the middle of the night.
I texted her after I left simply saying that she needed to know about me and our family, not knowing what he had told her. I also said that everything in the travel trailer was mine and my family's for vacationing, just because I would want to know about the place I was hanging out alone with a guy. She texted me back saying that they were just friends and that she knew about me and our 3 kids. I responded that if they were JUST friends that she needed to back off then because the texting was excessive, and really, who spends 4 1/2 hrs alone with a guy drinking beer when he has a family at home?
So, this morning, he's upset. He tells me that he wants to move out. (We have not talked much, between kids' activities and such.) He says she blocked him on facebook, and sent a text to him to tell me not to text her anymore. I only texted a few times total, and my last one was the one asking her who spends hrs with a guy drinking beer in the middle of the night when he has a family at home? (Since she DID say she knew about us! I mean, I would NEVER put myself in that position!)
So, we talked a few hrs and since then he has agreed to drop the friendship, and move forward with us 100% to see if he gets his 'fire' back for me. But, I feel stuck. I know if I want to move forward, I need to let it go. But, if they were 'just friends' then why were they texting so much. I almost feel like I want him to just admit something to me, because, I mean, I'm not an idiot! But, what if they were just friends? Is it possible they were just friends? Should I move forward with him, or should I just tell him to leave?
I'm just lost, and I'm sure you can tell. I know YOU can't tell me what I should do, but what would you think? I mean, some mornings the texting started with him initiating them before he would have even been out of bed, and went on until after he was in bed. She SUPPOSEDLY told him that she can't deal with MY drama, and that I was being irrational, (over a few texts!). So, it is MY fault that she can't be friends with him. Am I being irrational? Why do I feel guilty? Why was she a secret if they were just friends? I know all of his other friends! Also, if nothing was going on, why couldn't he just say he was visiting with a friend, invite me, invite her over? Why did he ignore me for 4 1/2 hrs, leaving me worrying at home about him?
I should add- the kids were asleep in the car, so they didn't catch wind of anything. I also never went in- so they were not left unattended. Because, believe it or not, I am NOT a crazy person, and would have not done anything crazy. I just had THAT feeling that something wasn't right, and needed to catch him because I didn't want him to be able to deny anything. :(
Thanks everyone. Your input really did help me. We have talked a whole lot since I caught him. He swears nothing happened, though he would have liked for it to. He does seem very sincere that he wants to work on things. I did post a follow-up post about this being very difficult for me to get through if you would like to read that.
I do see counseling in our future. I am usually opposed to counseling, but, I really think a third party would help us in this situation. I think we need something to keep the "peace" and the calm, and to help us remember what we are focused on without getting of track of what we need to communicate about.
I do think it is possible for us to remember what we have, but, right now, I am hurting, and, I don't see it happening any time soon. Just knowing that he wanted something to happen is killing me. It will take a while for me to get over that damage and pain. :(
More Answers
A.C.
answers from
Jacksonville
on
Whether physically or emotionally or WHATEVER, IMO, he cheated. It is now up to you and him to decide if you are going to put the work into salvaging this. What bothers me is he has put this on you with the whole "see if he gets the fire back" comment. Marriage is work, and anyone whose has a successful one will tell you feelings ebb and flow, but commitment is forever. You must be reeling from this, but rationally, you know, if he has been texting this G. before he even exits the bed (a bed you 2 share!) that is not typical of a marriage. That is not respect, that is disregard for your feelings and the life you have together. If he is not willing to be 100% honest and faithful and really put in work, then I think you should be prepared for this to end. Also, you have to decide what you can give to this now. Can you get past this and really move forward with him if he can do his part?
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L.J.
answers from
Colorado Springs
on
wow, i would DEF think that he was cheating and he probably was. the girl prolly got freaked out because of you finding out about her and bailed before some MEGA drama could hit. I cant believe he would keep that from you. especially if they really were "just friends".
I say if you want the marriage to work, then go to counseling and try adn work stuff out, but KEEP AN EYE ON HIM. he was acting untrustworthy. which means there was more going on than either of them were telling you.
it sounds like the only reason he decided not to move out was because his GF bailed on him......
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A.C.
answers from
Columbus
on
You are not being irrational, though the blame may be put on you because one or both of the two parties (you husband and the "friend") are feeling guilty.
However, there are underlying issues here that need to be uncovered and dealt with. Happily married men don't spend hours & hours texting female friends and hanging out in the wee hours of the night drinking beer and ignoring their wives.
If it were me, I would tell husband that he needs to go to marriage counseling with me right now, if he is really sincere about wanting to rebuild the marriage. If he won't go, go get counseling yourself without him. And start setting aside $ and making other preparations (and documenting EVERYTHING) so that if he does it again, you can divorce with lots of proof.
Don't let yourself get walked on. Continue to love him and fight for your marriage, but let him know exactly how deeply you're hurt and that you want to rebuild the marriage, but that that takes 100% commitment on both of your parts. And if he's not willing to do that, then he should leave.
(hugs)
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J.C.
answers from
Rockford
on
I think you handled yourself and the situation well. I have to tell you I don't think there is any way they are just friends and all this is innocent. Everything you wrote about him says he is cheating. What he did to you and the children is horrible. The woman sounds like a real winner, knowing about you and the kids and doing all this with him, then blaming you for having drama. What a loser! This has been going on a while. I would not believe a word this man has to say. If it were me I would want him out now. Then I could sort out my feelings and decide what I want. He does not deserve you!
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S.G.
answers from
Norfolk
on
Yes, I would definitely think he was cheating. I think you've handled it about as well as can be expected under the circumstances. I would let him know that he should go stay with his "friend" while you sort things out. I personally think if you have to talk someone into staying with you to "work things out" or whatever, the relationship is pretty much doomed. Get out now while you can hopefully stay civil for the kids' sakes. You shouldn't feel guilty, what did you do wrong? Nothing. That's just him working his Jedi mind tricks on you. He's the one who is wrong and he's trying to turn the tables. Let him know it won't work and you will be seeing a lawyer.
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L.N.
answers from
New York
on
I would not want to have anything to do with him. He's cheating. I am sorry. I hope you think about yourself and the kids and ask him to leave.
