Woulda Coulda Shoulda Re: Toys

Boy, we moms really find gazillions of things to beat ourselves up over, huh? Because we had twin boys and lots of relatives giving us presents, we had too many toys. The living room floor looked like a Tonka truck garage! When I read your title, "Woulda coulda shoulda..." I thought you were going to ask what would we do differently. Well, my answer would have been to have less toys and more tupperware bowls and wooden spoons. Have your boys really been affected by not having these toys? Doubtful. Do all these newfangled educational toys really make a difference in your child's intelligence? After hearing that Baby Einstein's being sued (right?) for false advertising or something like that because they really don't increase your child's intelligence, I'm inclined to think that they don't make a measurable impact. In fact, I've heard from professionals that toddlers catch up to each other at around age 3, and I've heard others say age 6 when they all start school. I honestly think my kids got the most hours of entertainment from of a play kitchen, toy food, a little cash register, and a big box of dress up clothes. The dress up clothes lasted for years of enjoyment...old hats, scarves, a petticoat, vintage aprons, Halloween costumes, men's suit vests, etc., etc. Lots of creative play.

(BTW, I don't think 4yo is too old for a train set. Our kids played with ours for a while but it mostly ended up being a storage shelf. I think your son just wasn't that interested in it.)

I actually think you are better off not knowing what others spend. That way, you have done your own thing and not compared yourselves to others and felt you had to keep up. There's way too much of that, even with the older kids having the best cell phone or iPod... In your case, I truly think that ignorance was bliss! I'm envious!!

I think it's awesome that your kids may not have the sense of entitlement that the rest of this upcoming generation will have (including MY kids!)

Did you /do you read to your kids? Did you/do you spend time with them? For goodness sake, what you BUY your kids is so much less important than they other things you "GIVE" your children!

Hopefully, you will not try to make up for lost time by showering your kids with more toys out of the blue!

BTW--I think your son didn't play with the trains because he was not interested in that particular toy, not because 4 is "too late" for a train table.

OMG I got so sad reading your post because I could hear the sadness in your voice. I just want to give you a hug! PLEASE don’t second guess what toys your kids did have or didn’t have. My rule at home with Christmas presents, bday or whatever, is get a few of the toys they REALLY want, not everything I could fit in the shopping cart at Toys R Us! With both my kids that’s exactly what I do because honestly several years from now will they look back and think “man, I never had those stacking cups! If I had, my life would have turned out so much better!” LOL They get WAY less toys than any cousins, friends, etc. and they are as happy as can be. The less they have, the more they appreciate what they do have. Plus the toys they get are played with over and over. I hear complaints from parents all the time saying “they played with it once, then it sat around collecting dust”! LOL Also what I’ve asked from grandparents and aunts/uncles for my youngest, is write a check for whatever amount you would have spent and put it towards his college fund (of course I get the initial, I’m not going to deprive him of a toy and just give him a check!). Then I explain how he will know that all of them had a part in giving him the opportunity to go to college. That usually works =-) At his age, it’s the quality of toys, not the quantity.

You sound like an incredible Mom who loves her kids! No toys can replace that EVER! Keep it up!! You will reap the benefits of the decisions you’ve made already in the long run.

It is all in what YOU want to do. Most kids don't necessarily need certain types of toys, so I wouldn't worry about that. My son had some delays, so certain toys or types of activities were recommended to challenge him; they are now all over the place and I am donating them as he grows out of them, so the program that helped him can pass them on to other families who might not be able to afford them. We have way too much clutter and I think I went overboard on toys, trying to provide what he seemed to need.

Anyway, I know a few families who literally get their kids one or two gifts at Christmas, and one for their birthday. They really don't get toys/gifts other times, although clothes, winter boots and coats, etc. are provided as needed. The gifts are truly "gifts" that the child wants but does not need. It seemed strange when I first met them (before I had my son), but the longer I know them I think they are really on to something. They DO things with their kids rather than buying them stuff. Also, having just a few toys encourages creativity. The kids don't seem to have any idea that other kids get piles of stuff, and if they do see the difference in what their cousins or classmates have, it doesn't appear to bother them. If your boys are in that category, I wouldn't worry about it at all.

I didn't know about a lot of the fancy toys, either, but a lot of the electronic stuff is junk (you probably know that). Stacking cups and shape sorters... your kids probably stacked things, and they probably figured out which shapes were the same as other shapes. I'm sure they had puzzles.

Don't sweat it. Look at your kids and if they are fine, you did a fine job. If you want to change something for the future, fine - but you can't change the past anyway.

Children with too many toys don't ever play with them all for more than a few minutes each, they often have low attention spans b/c of all of the choices and it can get overwhelming. Besides, teenagers that gets lots of gifts and junk all the time often end up spoiled and annoying :)

I actually asked family members to stop buying so much toys for my kids, b/c it was getting ridiculous and we had so much toys no one in my house was happy. My kids would rather play with the box the train table came in, then the train table itself. For birthdays, Christmas and such, I usually only get my kids maybe 2 or 3 little small things, or just one big thing and they love it b/c they can actually play with it.

We got a train set when my kids were young, and we play with it and have fun, but rarely pull it out b/c it's just a hassle to deal with and they end up breaking it apart after an hour of playing with it anyways.

Instead of lots of toys, try just doing fun activities and crafts and such. It makes better memories, saves money and fosters imagination in children.

Honestly, don't feeel bad! My second son has gotten plenty of toys, but not as much as his OLDER brother did. Why? They seriously don't play with half of it. And if they do consider yourself lucky! With my oldest i tried to get him anything and everything new and "educational" I felt I was depriving him if I didn't. And he taught me, that wasn't case. Basically it all just accumulated, and turned into unecessary clutter. And with my second, I haven't bought nearly as much and I still see alot of toys collecting dust. Kids tend to play with the simplest things, boxes, dishes, old clothes, etc. Follow their leads if they really are interested in something then elaborate on purchases, but otherwise theres nothing wrong with allowing their imaginations to grow, with your help. At 4 years old your son was a perfect age for a train table, not too old! Seriously, I think overbuying or buying all these nice things makes us feel better, that doesn't mean we are really giving our kids more. It's just stuff!Also, it's a nice value to teach them early to appreciate and value what they do have. You're doing fine, don't worry about it!

Oh, N., poor N.! Do not feel bad! I agree with everybody else's post. I almost didn't respond because I see everyone else was already saying what I had to say, but I feel one more post couldn't hurt. My kids (ages 2 and 4) have WAY too much stuff, it's not even funny. I need to get rid of so many of them! I buy something for them because I "just know" they will love it, but honestly, they love it for a few days, a week at the most, and then it just becomes one of many overlooked toys that hardly gets played with. And to make things worse: I was telling my mother-in-law that I have a problem, that I keep buying my kids things (toys) that they don't need, and she told me she did the same thing with her son (my husband--he is an only child.) She bought him things left and right, and now, he does not appreciate the things he has! It was a wake up call for me because my husband has 2 corvettes (one old one that has already been paid for, and one new one that he is leasing), and the old one, he NEVER drives, EVER. He has to have the most expensive tv's, stereo systems, computers, etc...and he is never happy with that stuff! I don't want that for my kids; I want them to appreciate what they have, and there is no way they will do this if I keep buying them more and more and more! You have done the right thing, N., do not ever doubt it! Your boys will grow up better because of it! :)

D.

Hi N.,
I am sure that you are a wonderful mother so please do not measure your worth as a parent based on the material things that your boys did or did not get. Kids generally enjoy what they have and yours are now old enough to tell you what they want. Your nephew is blessed to have the toys he has but he is more blessed by the love he gets from his family. I am sure your boys know how much you love them and that you do your best to make sure they are happy/healthy. Believe me most kids would rather play with the box a toy came in than the toy itself, lol. Especially boys, I have a 5yr old and he didn't have all of the top picks of toys but what he had/has he enjoys because we play with him - dollar store swords are his favorite now even if he has super hero stuff that costs over $50. The kids don't see financial value only what fun could be had. So enjoy your boys and don't even think twice about the shoulda, coulda toys, because they aren't ;)

Please don't put another minute's thought into this. Are your kids fed, bathed, loved, etc? Do you give them your attention? Then you are doing your job. You can't possibly give your children every toy in the world, whether classic or trendy, costly or inexpensive. You buy what you buy, you can afford what you can afford. And I think it is a good life lesson - we don't always get what we want, we won't always have what other people have. Not to mention, the time you spend with your kids and the memories you make with them will matter more in the long run that what toys they had. Even now my kids, ages 4 and 5, will say, "Do remember the day that we..." as opposed to, "Do you remember "Toy X" I had when I was three?" Don't compare yourself to others around you - you will drive yourself crazy. Do what you are comfortable with and take a step back to look at the bigger picture. Best wishes to you!

You've already received a ton of great answers and support but I'll just quickly add my two cents. I have 5 kids. My oldest two were born while my husband was in graduate school and money was extremely tight. We couldn't afford to give them all the toys their friends had. But they didn't seem to mind. They thoroughly enjoyed playdates at their friends homes but were happy to come home to their art supplies and the treasures in our kitchen cupboards. When our last 3 kids came, we were in a better position to give them toys and now we are overrun with toys that were played with for a few hours then relegated to the toy box. They have their few very favorite things but really don't need all the rest of the junk we've given them. I'm sure your kids are happy and well-adjusted and you can feel good looking at your uncluttered house!

Also, something that I've found. Many times a toy is far more appealing and fun when it is in another location. My kids all love the train table at the bookstore and the toy store, but I know if I bought it, it would eventually just be another surface to collect piles of clutter. My sister had the same experience when they bought one of those little inflatable houses full of plastic balls. She thought her girls would love it since they were crazy about the ball pits at restaurants and kids museums. Not only do they not ever play with it, but now they don't care for the ball pits in other locations either. Now, when my kids ask for big ticket items like that, I just tell them we'll plan a day when we can go visit one. Not only do I not have to deal with it taking up space in my home, but taking the time out to bring my kids to one of these places is far more memorable for them anyway.

You are doing just fine as a mom and I hope you can let this particular guilt trigger go!

We only spend $30-40 on birthdays and about $100 for each kid at Christmas. I rarely buy them any toys during the rest of the year. My brother and his wife spend close to $500 (or more) per kid at Christmas (and believe me when I say, they cannot afford this). Sure, sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't get my son the Nintendo DS that his cousins got, but then I see them all play together and I know I did the right thing. My son cherishes his toys more and takes better care of them. My nieces and nephew have toys scattered throughout their bedrooms and some things they haven't even touched from 2 or 3 Christmases ago. One niece just asked for a karaoke machine this year, but my mom bought her one 2 years ago. My niece doesn't even remember it! They are spoiled rotten throughout the year and it makes them even more greedy at birthdays and Christmas. It's completely irritating!!! I'm sure your boys are well adjusted, fantastic, and smart children, even without the "classics". Besides, with all the money we've saved not buying toys, we are able to afford my oldest son's piano lessons and sports throughout the year. Much more valuable than toys!

N. -

Don't feel bad at all!! I go through a lot of the same feelings - I see so many things that I want to get my kids, and probably could, but don't b/c I feel like they have so much already. We also don't spend a lot on birthdays or Christmas, (although I have in-laws that spend way more than we feel necessary and we have had to ask to cut back a bit) and I worry thinking back to when I was growing up hearing all of my friends list the TON of toys that they got for each, and thinking about the 'few' that we got. It definitely did not hurt me and I appreciate the value of 'time' now much more than I might have otherwise, and the value of something that comes with love. Last year, much of our Christmas was from Craig's List, and this year - while more was new- very little to none was purchased at full price. I shop sales during the year and try to stay away from 'gimmick' toys - I try to stick to the 'classics' - books, puzzles, blocks, crayons/art stuff, etc. Things that the they can use their imagination with and things that can be done together. We also did some clothes as presents as well. We made a big deal as they were opening about how special each was and how they love....

I did get my son a train table last year - but I bought it used off of Craig's List, and one of the grandparents is adding to it each year - but I got it b/c he was interested in it and like to play with trains. I don't think 4 is too old for a train table - it's very possible that trains just aren't his thing. Build on what they are interested in, watch for sales throughout the year, and you'd be surprised on how far that $50-$60 can go! Spend time with your kids, make sure that they know that you think they are special and what they got is special. If you feel like it's a let down, they'll pick up on that and feel that it is a let down too - they are very observant that way. Teach them the value of a good home, good friends, sharing with those less fortunate and you'll be giving them the best gifts of all.

J.

Wow N., you're my hero! My husband and I are totally overcrowded by toys -- most of which were given to our children as gifts by relatives and friends. They do not need all these toys, and I think it is actually distracting to them to have so many toys.

Your children are not deprived. You're doing just fine as a mom. In fact, your children may fare better than others at understanding the concept that you can't always get what you want. Your boys have each other to play with and plenty of stimulation at school and outside. We were too poor to buy many toys when I was a kid, but I never look back on my childhood and long for the toys that all the other kids had. Just think of how much money you're saving for more important things and be glad that your house isn't totally cluttered with toys.

N., I think you are doing the right thing. I have three boys and we only spend about that much for our sons' birthdays and Christmases. I try to concentrate on the toys that want the most and not what is the most popular trend. I also try to tailor their gifts according to their interests. My boys loved Thomas, so they do have a lot of that stuff and even at 7 and 5 my two oldest still play with it. But I do know several parents whose children never had any interest in trains or lost interest in them quickly! I try to reinforce to my sons that it's the quality of toys they have (i.e. toys they really like and use) rather than how many toys they have. I also point out that just because don't buy them a lot of stuff, doesn't mean we love them any less. I tell them the other ways that daddy and I love them, such as by preparing them healthy suppers and snacks, reading to them at night, taking them to the zoo, or Greenfield Village (their favorite place)throughout the year, etc. Please don't worry about the amount of stuff your nephew is getting compared to your sons! I am sure you show your sons how much you and your husband love them in many other ways!!

I hope this helps some!!
T.
Mom of 3, Jonathan 7, Colin 5, and Micah 2

N.,
I, too, have pondered this issue - we are on the other end of the spectrum in that I believe we sometimes go overboard with gifts for Birthdays and Christmas. Ultimately, the most important thing you can do for your children is spend time with them, rather than spending money on them. As long as your children are happy, healthy, well-adjusted little people then worry no more - you have done a great job!

K. :)

I'll guess that what you did give them was fine. We received a lot of gifts that our kids never used and could care less about. They were very thoughtful gifts, but some of the things they like to play with the most are the simple things.

We all learn by trial and error. When we were expecting our son 4 years ago, my husband said, "We're going to screw some things up as parents, our job is just to try to keep that to a minimum".

I'm sure what your kids lacked in toys they received in attention and love. Things come and go, but they time they have with you evaporates really quickly.

Don't take it out on yourself. It's probably harder on you than it is on your kids. As time goes by, they'll be able to do things their cousins won't - and, they'll get to do it first!

Hi N.,
Do you feel your children have truly suffered in any way due to a lack of toys? I think it's easy to fall into comparing yourself or your children to those of others, but in the end, I never find it to do much more than make you feel bad and lacking in some way. Personally, I think it is great that you did NOT overindulge your kids and stuck to buying them what you felt they needed at the time. I'm sure they have not suffered at all. To give you a frame of reference, think of the children all over the world who are too poor to have toys. I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in Africa, and I have to say that the children there did not have much (if anything), but what they did have they played with and appreciated, and they were some of the most creative kids I've ever known. They would make toy cars out of wood that they carved themselves, and little girls would pull weeds out of the ground, turn them upside down and "tress" their hair with string, and voila, they had a doll.
So take an honest look at your kids, and be thankful they are the people they are. You sound like a wonderful mom who values the important things in life. Good for you.

T.
Barefoot Books Ambassador
www.ReadandGrow.com

DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS! Maybe your son didn't play with the train table because he's not interested in trains, not because you didn't get it for him before. More toys do not mean that your sister loves her son more than you love yours. It just means a bigger mess for her to clean up! Don't try to compete with what others are doing, do what works for your family.

I was just over at a rich friend's house the other day. Their child is the same age as mine and has every single toy imaginable. My daughter went completely nuts over her toys and did not know what to play with first.

Now here is the thing though, even though we have maybe 25% of the toys that they have, my daughter only with with about a handful regularly. the others stay in the box...

Don't feel bad about about not going all out on spending for toys, most will end up cast aside after being played with for a week or two. I try to invest in quality over quantity and I do not feel bad that my daughter does not have all the latest coolest toddler things.

We plan on keeping this up when she gets older, and if she really wants something then (now she is too young) she will have to work, save or wait for it. I think that that is the most important thing, to teach your kids value, patience and that having stuff does not make them happy.
Good luck!