WW*You*D? Seeking Help About a "Bad Seed" in Sons Circle of Friends....

S. - I would talk to the counselor at school and let them know what you know...this way - the school can intervene and hopefully get this boy the help he so desperately needs!!

I would keep my son away as well....and like Sue said - get my son involved in Martial Arts - it's NOT about fighting - it's about self-defense, self-discipline and many other things....

Stay out of it. If you see the boy doing something directly in front of you, then i would say something. GL

M

One of my best friends isn't liked by many people, including my parents. I've always liked her. She's abrasive, opinionated, and completely and totally honest. Which, for someone like me, is just utterly relaxing. I never have to guess with her. We've been friends for nearly 20 years.

My parents HATED how controlling, my way or the highway, and complete and total lack of tact she had as a child/teen (as an adult she'll use tact only as a last resort, and not for long ;). The thing is; she doesn't ever hold "the highway" against someone. She knows exactly what she wants, and if you want to come with her, great. If not, she'll see you tomorrow... with no ill will. There is no RESENTMENT with her, no backstabbing, no passive aggressiveness, no "should I call?", no "should I say something?" with her. Hurt feelings are an accident, and easily acknowledged and sorted. Any problem we've EVER had gets dealt with immediately, or tabled as "We just happen to believe two totally opposite things, eh. Whatever." and then are no longer an issue. I love her deeply, and she loves me in return, and either of us would (and have) fought tooth and nail for the other.

Personality types are interesting things. On the surface, we couldn't be two more different people. In another person with the same personality type as my friend, we might never have been friends. But with HER... we blend. We support each other. We are BETTER for each other. We're synergistic; our whole is greater than the sum of our parts.

This boy and your son may have been the worst combo ever. This Steve, however, may be the best friend in the world to John, and vice versa. Or they may not.

Regardless, I think that's their journey to discover, don't you?

We're not talking sociopathic tendencies (killing and mutilating small animals for example, which I would warn about), we're talking about a personality that completely and totally steamrolls over your son's. A guardian whom you disagree with their priorities. Those are both just personalty conflicts.

That wont be the first "John" your child encounters. I wouldnt say anything, I'm sure every parent has their own way of observing or not observing their kids friends. Labeling him or putting negative thoughts about him into other peoples minds isn't fair to him. He may prove to be a great friend to some other kid, he just didn't mesh with your child or your expectations of what your child's friend should be like.

Stay out of it. Maybe Steve is a harder kid than yours and will be able to stand up to John. You don't know. You took care of this situation regarding your son.

Hurtful gossip. It is not your job to sound a warning. People can make up thier own minds. If you felt compelled to say something, you could jusy say it in passing...oh, my boy doesn't like to play with Johhny anymore. He played a little rougher than we usually allow. And leave it at that. Those terms... bad apple or a bad seed hurt my ears.

I think you should be less concerned about this child (John) and more concerned about giving your son the tools to stand up in a nice firm way for himself. He will meet people who are rough to down right bullies for the rest of his life and should have the tools to stand up for himself.

I've seen women go after a child and try to exclude her in their childrens lives. A child who is smarter than most of us will ever hope to be but rough around the edges. They went so far as to demand she not be allowed in a Girl Scout Troop. My daughter is friends with this girl. Her parents know full well her shortcomings and work with her. We joke that maybe they will rub off on each other and come to a happy medium. It is unfortunate that John doesn't have parents who can help coach and guide him to be a better friend, but I don't think he should be singled out and prejudiced against by a adult(s).

Added: Only tell them about the sexual predator if you know for certain. If you got the info off of Megan's Law, realize sometimes that information is old and doesn't tell you when it occurred or the circumstances. Not defending sexual criminals, just saying there is a big difference in a 19 year old sleeping with his underage girlfriend years ago and more heinous crimes. My understanding is they are lumped together on this list, but someone here probably knows more and can tell us.

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Steve's parents are going to figure it out on their own. If the issue ever comes up, you can briefly touch on the subject, but I wouldn't go write any letters or anything.

I would say not to say anything at all. If you get to know Steve's parents and can fit it into the conversation, then go ahead. A letter? Really? That is cowardly and immature. Would you want another mother writing letters to others about your son if the tables were turned?

I agree with JL and i am not sure what your intentions are towards John and his future friendships. It sounds as if you are not close friends with Steve's parents so why are you concerned about Steve playing with John? Is it because Steve is also friends with your child or because they are in the same class or is Steve beginning to ignore/pick on your child? You have a right and responsibility to be concerned about John's behavior towards your child and it was extremely kind of you to reach out to his family and alert them of the sexual predator living next to them but if your child and John are no longer involved and your son is okay you need to back off. Clearly, John has enough issues and he doesn't need more negativity from adults! Someone, not you, needs to reach and help this little guy...sending up a prayer for him now. Please consider allowing him to be friends with others that can help understand that he is and can be a better, kinder person.

Uh - no letter. I think I saw that on the Jersey Shore and it didnt turn out well.

Do NOT tell the other parents your opinion of John. Let them form their own opinions. I think talking to them about him would be out of line. My son, who is 3, is rowdy and rough and tumble. I would be VERY hurt if I heard that friends were talking about him and cautioning other parents about him. The last thing John and his family need are a bunch of adults gossiping about him.

DO tell the other parent that a sexual predator lives across the street. At the very least, it is an opportunity for them to talk to their son about staying away from adults that his parents have not given an "ok."

I would warn her about the sexual predator, but leave it at that, and even with that be careful. Did this man really hurt a child, or was it that he was a 19 or 20 year old kid that was dating a 16 year old? That is not right, but it does not make him a true pedophile either, so walk lightly if you do not knwo his true crime. Just because john and your son did not get along does not mean john is all bad, or that john should grow up friendless and alone. Worry about your kid, and leave others alone.

The new "friend" will find out soon enough that "John" is a bully. I would not interfere.
Seems like this kid could use a friend, or an adult that gives a squat about him. Would you want someone else to be quick to label YOUR kid a "vad seed"?
Frankly, the examples you have given of this kids behavior don't sound "that" over-the-top for a 9 year old boy (who is aggressive or alpha and a bit of a bully) the world is full of them.

Of course you tell Steve's parents about John the bully. And of course tell them about the sex offender living across the street from John, and explain to Steve's parents about the living arrangements at John's house. If you were Steve's parents wouldn't you want to know?!
For me, I find the easiest way to deliver bad news is matter-of-factly. As they said on 'Dragnet' : "just the facts, ma'am"
The Bible says: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." If this were happening to my kid, I would want you to tell me. Then stand back and let me raise my kid.
One of the reasons kids (and adults) get hurt is because people just don't want to get involved. Most people will report a house on fire but won't report something like this. They should. In both cases, some one could get hurt. One is just more obvious.
Finally, I tell my kids that if they tell their teacher that someone's doing something wrong, so they don't get hurt, that's ok. That's caring.
If they tell their teacher someone's doing something wrong, just so that kid gets in trouble, that's not ok. That's being nosey. And that could have repercussions. There is a big difference.

I'm sure Steve's parents will be able to come to that conclusion themselves and you won't have to say a word. :-) John is probably hurting in some way and the only way he can express it is through his domineering ways. It's really hard to know what the right thing to do about this. Since the boy is 9 years old, I would have a talk with the young boy and tell him that it's not nice to play that way, and then show him an example of how playing 'together' means, and what 'fairness' means and that John himself is worthy of that too. With a sexual predator living across from John, I wouldn't allow my children to go over there either.
Definitely people can be very defensive when it comes to being accountable, or making their own children accountable for their actions. So many don't do that anymore. For me, I would want to know if my son was acting this way...and I will nip that right in the bud.
My son's friend in kindergarten had punched another kid for 'taking his lunch box'. That mom went off on a tangent on facebook and condoned her son's behavior, and she even mentioned that she would punch that kid too. I had a field day rebuttling back to that one. And that mom is a paralegal, and her husband is a police officer. Unreal.
Anyway, Steve's parents will soon find out about that little boy's personality. You probably won't have to say anything at all. If John plays with your son again, and you notice that type of behavior, I would try to redirect his attention in a more positive way so that he can learn that what he's doing is wrong.
Hope this helps. I feel for your son having to endure a bully, but I also feel for that bully too. I was bullied in junior high by five girls. I felt like I was in hell for three years. Now I think back to that one gal that started it all, and I know that her family didn't give a care what she did, nor give her the attention she craved from her parents.
Hang in there. :-)

I say keep it to yourself and let them figure it out. They will.
I say this because of experience. We had a bad seed in the neighborhood. She picked my son because he wears his heart on his sleeve and was an easy target. I had mentioned some things to other parents. They all saw the same stuff. I was the only one who wouldnt let my child play with her anymore. The other parents went to the parents of the bad seed and told them everything i said. I did tell her that yes, this was true. I honestly had no problem with this family knowing how i felt. Unfortunatly, all the others said the same thing and it turned in to a huge drama fest. Not worth it. The other family might not care if their child hangs out with this bad seed.

It's just gossip,
always try to remember how would you feel if the tables were turned.

I would check into these things. 1. Is there really a sexual predator? 2.What kind of predator? (Like someone said below, it could be a dude who slept with his 16 year old girlfriend. BIG difference.) If it is a dangerous offender, tell your friend. I know I'd like to know.

Other then that, leave it be. Work with your son on confidence and how to stand up for himself. He will only have you to shield him, for so long. He sounds coddled. That never works out well in school. He will always be picked on, unless he gets some gumption.

I wouldn't say anything. And I would get my son to some martial arts training. It doesn't turn kids into bullies, it helps kids stand up to them.

Did you ever talk to the grandmother about "John's" behavior. She may be unaware of his bad manners. Now if she is and says I can't do anything with him then that is another problem. I would notify school officials about his bullying behavior so they can watch out for it and get the parent help along with the child. That was from the teacher part of me. Now back to your question. I would tell the parent to monitor her child as he plays with "John", tell her to watch and listen. He could behave differently with this child than he did with yours. But most children that bully always choose friends that they can control so that there is some area in their life that they can control. If the parent ask for details just state that the child seems a bit controlling and manipulative and was not a good fit for your child. Many times these children just need someone to help them to learn how to socialize approprately. You don't mention that he has any siblings so the parent and grandparent my not be aware that he lacks proper social skills.

I would let Steves parents know about john's disturbing bullying behavior, I would want to know.

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I would let Steves parents know about john's disturbing bullying behavior, I would want to know.