First of all I do have a nice and helpful mother in law. But I just seem to get so annoyed at her over the simplist things. For example she offers to help me out about every other week by taking my oldest who is almost 3 for a couple of hours. This is great and I appreciate it but she is always presenting it as she is doing me a favor and it's not about spending time with her grandson. I know she loves him and I believe she enjoys spending time with him but I don't understand why she doesn't just say she wants to do this to spend time with him. Another thing is Christmas, every year we go to her house and a simple exchanging of gifts can go on for hours and hours. She feels like she cannot give just one gift to everyone, she must get multiple gifts which of course have to be numbered and opened up in order. And each person has to completly open each gift before the next gift to the next person is presented. This is all fine and good however when you have a baby and a toddler who get fussy and bored with the 4 hour task of opening these presents you just can't take it. My oldest was so worn out by this that he seriously cried when she brought out his last present to open. I know she means well but I unfortunatly just don't have patience for this type of thing. I was polite and thankful for the gifts but this totally killed xmas for me. No question here just needed to vent.
Can you ask her to let the kids open up presents first so they at least have something to keep them occupied while the rest of the presents are opened? I feel for you. Sometimes extended family just doesn't seem to understand that you can't do the same things the same way once you have little ones.
I grew up with this method of gift exchange. The only difference was we always opened youngest to oldest. By the time it was the adults turn..all the kids had new toys to keep them occupied. Maybe mention this method to your MIL.
Merry Christmas!
Oh my god, are you sure we don't have the same MIL?? LOL My jaw dropped reading your post! I love my MIL too, but she's the same way. Coming to get one of my kids is to "give me a break" which I BARELY ever ask of her, then she gets mad that I don't call her enough?? And she mentions it at other family functions "I barely see the boys because she never gives them up" WHAT????
First of all they're my kids, I love having them with me. I don't owe anyone an allotted amount of time. Shes more then welcome to come to my home to see them but always wants them at her house.
And xmas is the SAME way everyone has to open their gifts one at a time. Seriously lady, there's like 25 people there. Not to mention we have other places to be! ARGH lol. Its so hard not to get mad. She even came to me yesterday wanting to know if she misplaced another gift from us because it seemed my FIL got more then her. . . . . Yah, I wanted to deck her
only your husband can change things with his mother. If he mentioned to her what a stress it was for the children during gift opening....how would your MIL react? Would she be open to change? And, most importantly!!....how can she be expected to make any changes without honest & open input from her family.....?
& as for the round-robin of gift opening: my family uses this method & it's totally enjoyable! I'm 48 & this is all I've ever known....I absolutely hate a madhouse rush of opening, without being able to enjoy the process! My ILs used to rush thru the opening of gifts & it seemed such a waste. Today, we had 9 family members opening a roomful of gifts & it took about 1 1/2 hours.....& when the children were little, we made sure they were able to play with their new toys, were able to munch on treats, & wandered about the room - it was never, ever a stress for anyone!
I think the one thing that jumped out at me was that your MIL is "in control" of the entire process: from the #ing of the gifts to the individual handing out of the gifts. In our family, we simply handout all of the gifts & each person is allowed to chose the next gift to open from their piles. It's fun to have a pile in front of you, it's fun to compare packages, & it's really fun to try to guess what's in the box! Usually the kids jump the gun & begin opening before the person before them is done..... & we always end up with the wrapping paper being used for target practice!
Soooo, maybe it's time for your MIL to lighten up, loosen up......& maybe this applies to you, too! Next year, make sure your children have things to do & fun stuff to munch on.....relax & maybe it will all be much better!! Peace!
Had to laugh at this because when I met my husband there were no young kids in his family and he thought my family's Christmas unwrapping was a free for all! I thought their open one and a time and ooh and ahh was boring and took all day long. Eventually his kids had kids who are now all young - so we have a free for all with the unwrapping! And he "gets it" now - little kids are so wound up for Christmas anyway. It's way too hard to repress that energy for hours!
Oh you poor thing!! MILs can be tough. And we can be tough on them! The first step is for you & your hubby to agree on a strategy and what it is you want regarding the specific situation. Anything coming from you will never go over well - it needs to come from her son - so if there's an issue to resolve your husband must be the one to man up and actually talk with his mother about it. Otherwise you will appear as the crazy demanding daughter in law ( which is how I am seen by my in laws, yikes).
SO, you & your husband should have an honest conversation (and tread carefully here, you are talking about his mother) and then HE has to talk with his mother, like it's HIS idea. ie "Mom, this year we are having CHristmas at our house, you & Dad are invited to stop by at X oclock! This way the kids can take a break when they need to and have their naps." or "thanks so much for the invitation to come down for CHristmas, with the kids routines we'll be free from 3-5:30pm, since it takes us about 30 min to travel we'll be there from 3:30-5:00 so we'll have just about an hour and a half - let's use it efficiently!" etc etc. You get the idea. Come up with a plan and have HIM present it. This applies to all occasions, of course, not just CHristmas.
Good Luck!!
Totally hear you, my biggest issue is that my MIL is not my mother who passed away 20 years ago BUT she is all about out-doing everyone and seems to not get what really matters about Christmas also. And she is the religious one. She kills herself making a huge feast for a few people and then passes out afterwards from a combination of exhaustion and alcohol. My son is almost 3 and she would buy him the sun and moon if she could but has never changed his diaper and has never offered to take him (not that I totally trust her but still :) ) Hang in there and maybe try to do a bit of christmas at home next year..maybe that would get the message across.
I never had a mother in law; my husband's mom passed away very early in our casual dating stage. I understand your wishing yours was different but, honestly, when my kids were little I would have wept if someone offered to take my little ones for any reason! It would be nice if she could do it differently but I read many "vents" here about in-laws who seemingly don't want to be involved at all or who want to take over & criticize everything. I guess, with this issue, I'm kind of on the side that maybe she's not the only one who should re-examine things.
I can see where you'd feel Christmas is a little out of control. Perhaps your husband can help affect some loosening of the reins a little. Somewhere between the hours-long production and the free for all, there must be something that allows the focus on the individual and the exchange that she wants and yet speeds things up a bit to accommodate everyone's patience level (yeah -- the numbering of gifts seems a little over the top!).
Hope you can both let go a little and enjoy the season!
Have your HUSBAND tell HIS MOTHER that the kids have a certain time frame before their patience runs out, so Mom has a 1 or 2 hour window of opportunity. Even that is extraordinary. If she wants the kids to enjoy her and not resent her, she needs to adapt to their ages and abilities. Your husband can explain to her that they will resent the day becoming a chore and an endurance contest, and that he wants every moment with them and her to be positive. Every year she can add 10 minutes or so! She can spread the gifts out with some on Christmas Eve and some on Christmas Day if that works for you, but this numbering system is, yes, all about showing everyone how many she bought and that everyone got the same amount. When the gifting is over, you guys get up and go home to put the kids down for naps. You just can't do it like this every year. Otherwise, have Christmas at your own house while the children are little, and she can come and join you. Most adult kids stop going to their parents' when the kids are so tough to transport and keep entertained.
Don't force yourself into being the bad guy. When they are older, you can teach them about being slow about presents and not being greedy, thanking Grandma, and so on.
Well she is spending time with him who cares how she presents it. About the gift ordeal, ask her to let you know when it's your childrens turn so you know how long to keep them busy. Go in another room or another area and let them play.
maybe next time, when your baby starts crying and they have had enough, tell your MIL that it looks like it's time for so and so's nap, and then leave w'out opening up anymore presents. then the next time you come up, you can open up some more, or do it all at one time.
We just leave when the kids get tired. Tell MIL you can open presents with her sometime next week but the kids are done and need some down time. You wish you could stay but you know it will just disrupt everyone elses fun and you hate to do that. The kids are overwhelmed/tired from all the running they have been having/had sugar and are now coming down from the sugar rush/missed naps/late for bed and just have to leave now before having a melt down and destroying all the fun everyone else is having. Take 2 cars if you must so your hubby can stay while the littles and you leave.
Hugs~ I feel for you. I totally understand the constant comment of MIL taking child for a few hours to help not just to hang out. As far as the present deal--- I agree it gets annoying to do that process- it takes F. and you wish you weren't there!
Merry Christmas anyways and hope you can still enjoy it~
M
I def think that when some people haven't been around younger children for a long time, they forget how impatient children can be.. Hence, when we take my son to a restaurant, I have always kept in mind that the window for which he will sit still is about 30 to 40 min... and then DONE.. I never expect him to sit longer nor do I think it's fair when afterall, he is young and just being a child.. whereas, Adults like to sit around and chat after a meal.. or in some cases, such as Christmas.. take their time opening gifts... so what do I do... I tell people upfront.. ok here's how long I have .. in your case, you can't cancel Christmas with her, but do have your husband say .. mom.. we love how much thought you put into Christmas.. but for the sake of children, can we go about it a little differently.. example... speed things up... MIL will just have to understand. and when the kids are older. ok, then slow it down.. you have to be upfront and honest otherwise, next year you will be tortured again as will your kids.. :)
