Young Mother, Hateful Mother-in-law, Custody Battle

Please don't worry so much that you may be playing the turnabout is fair play game by preventing contact with the grandmother. If she is not willing for this transition to happen, she will be causing great harm to your reconciliation with your son. This will not only hurt you but your son's development emotionally. He won't grow up thinking he wished things were different for him and his grandmother - He'll grow up wishing things were better for him and you AND for him and his father.
If it takes moving away from her, do it. If it takes preventing visits, do it. Grownups with the wrong motives can easily train a child to blame and hate an absent parent. Cut off issues with DCS at the start. Make it clear as calmly as you can to DCS that this is vindictive because you have asked to have custody again. Pray that you'll be given God's favor in your dealings with DCS.
I also encourage you to pray with your son every day. Pray for your whole family together including the grandparents. This will show him that you don't hold a grudge and it will help you to be more patient and forgiving with the grandmother. It's much more difficult to harden your heart against someone for whom you pray daily. God is with you, B., trust Him.

Hard feelings dont wash away over night. You were in a bad place, and did what was best for your son. If you went months without contact, and moved around a lot, that could not be easy on anyone... you, your child, the MIL. She has grown very attached to her grandson, and is still only trying to protect him and do what is best. Perhaps move a little slower. Prove to her you are a better person and can take the responsibility and sacrifice it takes to be "Mom". He may be only 2, but he is wise beyond his years with what he has had to handle already. Sit down with the MIL and tell her you are ready to prove yourself. Tell her you dont want to disrupt everything, and you wouldnt if you didnt feel you were ready. Ask her to please give you a chance to prove yourself and start doing that. Actions speak a lot louder than words. 6 months, and she has seen you are a better, more responsible person, it will be much easier for her to go from Mom to Grandma. Good luck and God Bless.

I can understand where each of you is coming from. She has been his "mother" as long as she has had him, and I think it is appropriate and necessary for him to have a mother figure in his life on a daily basis. If you were unable to care for him for months at a time and didn't see him, you should thank his lucky stars that she was there for him. I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like it was definitely the right thing for her to make the call to child services. It was in his best interest if you were unable to care for him for months at a time. Not enough people make the call, and babies end up dead, or messed up for life because of neglect. Even primates (monkey family) have life-long emotional issues if they don't bond with a parent figure as infants (says my hubby the vet).

I think you would go a lot further by killing her with kindness and thanking her for caring for your son 24-7 for all this time. She did the right thing, and shouldn't be punished for it. Look at it from her perspective. She has cared for him as a mother, and will be heart broken if/when he is taken from her. Go about this very slowly, one small step at a time. It would be devastating for him to be ripped away from his primary caregiver all of a sudden. When you have your own place to live and are paying all your bills and are clean and sober, then you will be ready to have him. Keep in mind what is in his best interest, even if it isn't necessarily what you want at the moment. If she calls child services constantly for no reason, they will figure it out and be reasonable with you. Best wishes in getting your life together.

B. I had a similar situation and I called DCS myself and asked them to come check my home before I got my kids back and that report was actually used to put my kids back in my home because they found nothing wrong. Also when you get your son back if she continues to call DCS they can charge her for filing a false report if they get tired of her calling and coming out to find nothing. Keep praying for her and for God's guidance in how to deal with her.

That's so awesome you got saved and turned yor life around. Just pray aboutbiy and trust in god

Hire and attorney and get your child back. It is against the law to file false reports with DCS and she can be prosecuted for it. Go to Radio Shack and get a good pocket tape recorder and tape her making this threat. If she is doing it on the telephone get the kind of recorder that you can put on your telephone. Play the tape for DCS when she calls them. You are not giving DCS enough credit. They are not idiots. They will figure out when they meet you, come to your home, see no injuries on your child, and listen to your tape recording that it is a false report.

Although I got clean about two months before becoming pregnant with my now almost 3 year old, I can relate to your situation wholeheartedly. Congrats on your four months, I waited until I was 26 to get straightened out. That being said, you have got to put your recovery(it's a lifelong process) and your son first. First, you need to get a lawyer, if you're unemployed, call your county's 'legal aid society'-they will get you one for little or no cost-do it now, before you go back to school and start making enough money to not qualify. Now, I don't want to be discourging here, if you went to rehab, you know the odds aren't in our favor, but for now, try to focus on not putting too much on your plate. Focus on being a mom and your recovery, I had 4 months clean many, many times, and went right back to getting a white keytag! That doesn't mean that you aren't on your way to acquiring years clean this time, but things like marriage and schooling may have to take a back seat until things are a little more stable. Yes, she can call DCS every day, and she can tell them that you WERE in active addiction, but if you AREN'T getting high, then there is not much to worry about, aside from the fact that you may get pestered by a county worker now and then. Just keep staying on the right track, and everything will turn out as it should.

I am not sure what you want advice on....are you trying to get your son back? Are you just wanting reassurance that you are doing the right thing? In my opinion I would say that you need to get your life together QUICK and get a lawyer and get your son back. He does not need to be raised by his grandmother when he has a mother. If you do not trust yourself to take care of him, then you must do what is best for him. But if you think you are ready to be a mother, you must get a job and get a place to live that is safe for your son. Then once that is extablished, you get a lawyer and get him back. The mother almost always gets the child if she has income and shelter. YOu do not be hateful, you just do the best you can and she can fight you in court if she wants to but you stay strong and stay mature about it. He is YOUR son and if you can take care of him, you should.

ps/ while in with the attorney, fight for child support from the dad. and you say your will be marrying the father soon, what are you waiting for? If you are married you have a better chance of getting your son back.

i don't really have any advice for you, B., but keep your chin up. you should be so proud of yourself, first for the difficult decision you made in your son's best interest, and second for how you've matured and turned your life around. you mention you are a christian now-- keep praying, and keep turning to God, and remember all things are possible through Him. keep trying to do what you know is right in your heart, and it will happen. the only thing i do know is, while dcs probably has open file on you now, if they don't find anything when she calls them in the future, then nothing will come of it. so let them come and see you, and how you're doing now. good luck to you and your son, and let us know how it all turns out!

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First off I want to comend you for wanting to get your son back. Very few young mothers want to take responsibility of their children. I also comend you for being responsible and smart enough to realize that at the time that you did turn him over to your mother-in-law that you probably were making the best decision for your child. I'm not sure how long you mil has had your son but if you want him back, you need to fight him. I don't know what your financial situation is but if you could get a lawyer to litigate the procedures that would be wonderful. You need to take her to court and have the judge rule that you have full custody and that she has visitation rights only. Do not give her an inch and I would be very careful about how much information your mil is privvy to once you have your son back. The more she knows about your life the more ammo she has to use against you. Things can be manipulated and misconstrued to her advantage. I would never allow her to come to your house to visit your son. I would always take him there or meet her at a neutral location. I would be cordial to her but say no more to her than you have to. Only provide information that she needs to know in order to take care of him while he is visiting her. I would never argue with her nor talk bad about her in front of your son. She has taken care of him and she is emotionally attached to him and I'm guessing he has an attachment to her as well. My mom went through this with me when I was little. It was with my dad but same situation. She had to have my dad keep me for 6 months after they separated so she could get on her feet and find a place to live. When I finally got to move back in with her, she had full custody of me. She never allowed my dad to come to our house except on rare occasions that were planned. My mother also never said anything bad/negative about him in front of me and she didn't allow anyone else to either. She just didn't talk about him in front of me at all except to ask how my visit went. If she had an issue with my visit she called him and spoke with him. I know it's hard not to be defensive about the situation but in all honesty this is hard for her. She has become very attached to him and like it or not has been his "mother" for the time he's been with her. It probably feels like she is losing one of her own children. There must also have been some situtations that have occurred before that is making your mil be distrusting of your ability to take care of him and is why she is threatening to call DCS. She is in a vulnerable position - the chances that she is going to have to relinquish custody is pretty much in your favor if the judge finds you a fit mother. Her vulnerability is causing her to already think of ways to get him back including sending DCS out. All I can say is to always have him clean, fed, well taken care of, and happy. That way she knows you are doing everything you can. Good luck and I hope that things work out and you are able to be mature enough now to tend to your child.

Congratulations on working hard to get your life turned around. You are still very young and it will take time to build a trusting relationship with your sons grandmother. As much as you love him - she also loves him and they have a bond together. To fight her will only hurt him. It is very important that you stay sober and continue to make good, responsible, stable decisions that reinforce that you can provide for yourself and him. Surround yourself with people that will support and encourage your hard work. It may take a couple of years to fully prove to her that you have matured. In your update you mention that it has only been four months. Four months is not that long! You can do this. You can make good decisions. Have you ever gone to lunch with his grandmother? Maybe you should take her out to lunch and get to know her. Explain that you are working hard to better yourself and that you want to be a part of her family. Explain that you want to be Aidan's mother, and you want her to be Aidan's grandmother and that you want to get along! Thank her for all the love that she has given him over the past two years. Be kind to her, tell her that you would like to forgive each other for things that have happened in the past and that you are serious about being a family for Aidan and not trying to take him away from his family, but trying to build his family. Yes, doing this will be scary and it will take courage and practice, practice, practice what you are going to say. No matter what do not let her get you angry!