Younger Sibling Graduating to Same Grade as Older, Since He Was Left Back

I am always saddened when the world is worrying about the fact that someone is held back. It is actually a positive thing as you have noted and why not make that clear to both children? At that age they may absolutely love it that they are both in the same grade! Talk to them and then again-it is a great thing to be in the same grade as a sibling and they're not even twins. I have a hunch this could be a big Woohoo!

How far behind is he- could he potentially catch up or succeed in second grade with a 504 or IEP in place? If he has a learning disability, he needs to be diagnosed ASAP so you can start getting him some help. What concerns me more than being in the same grade as his brother is being 8 yrs old and in 1st grade. That could have complications as he gets older.

Work with his current teacher to document things. He/She should be able to recommend him for review/testing, at the schools expense.

Just like twins/triplets/etc, it will be important to continue to treat them as separates. Having them be in different classes will be helpful, as it would mean that they would only see each other at the start/end of school and lunch time.

When discussing homework and tests, show the same amount of happiness and concern for both. It will be hard to not praise the younger child more, since this will be his first time seeing stuff. If you basically treat it as it is the first time for both, it will be easier.

When reviewing homework/tests, etc. put some time between them. Don't review them at the same time, because then it will be like you are comparing them.

Any teacher worth their paycheck will understand the sensitivity of the situation, and help in the classroom by not comparing the two. If you don't treat it like a big deal, it won't be. It's just normal.

Good luck.

After reading posts below -- No, no, please do not "make them pass him" via summer school or insist he be pushed into second grade. That would be purely a "social promotion" and not an academic one and it will set him up for further failure at an older age when it will affect him even more! He will be overwhelmed all of second grade if you try to push for him to do it next year. It's MUCH better to hold him back now, when he's still starting out, than to push to promote him solely because of the situation with his brother and then find that your son is flunking in grades to come. It's socially and emotionally FAR harder to hold a kid back a grade as they get older. Do it now if it is what the teachers all advise. Your older son will rebound from it far better now than in a few years' time if he were to have to repeat an older grade.

Is the school counselor part of this process? I hope so -- the counselor should have been a big part of this from the very first inkling that your son was in trouble with the material. The counselor is needed to keep tabs on how your son is reacting, to give you and your husband advice on exactly what you ask us here, and to meet with your son whenever needed. Get the counselor involved now if he or she is not already! Yes, there could be issues at home from all this and you and your husband should not just "see what happens" - get advice now, before the boys are in the same grade, about potential issues and how you will handle them when they arise. The issues may be greater at home than at school, especially when both boys have the same homework. If your younger son buzzes through it easily and the older one is still struggling (especially if he las a learning disability) you will encounter resentment and jealousy; or your older son may try to find ways to make himself seem older and bigger and tougher than his brother. You need to think through the possibilities now and get advice on them from professionals and parents who have been there. (Parents of twins might be a help if you can't find parents of kids where one was held back!)

Be SURE your sons have different activities outside school that they choose for themselves. I would not have them in the same Boy Scout cub den or the same sports league, for instance. If one has a particular interest in something, go out of your way to make it possible for him to have classes etc. in whatever that is -- art, kids' drama, sport, dance, music, Lego robotics, Pokemon (libraries here hold tournaments!), etc. Encourage their separate interests outside school and encourage your older son in whatever he's good at because he may feel little brother outshines him in the classroom. Your son's self-esteem and social life do not have to revolve entirely around school so be sure he and his brother have lives outside school, and friends they make through activities and not just school.

Keep an eye on how your younger son reacts too; he may feel it's unfair that his brother is stealing his limelight as the newly minted "big kid" first grader. That can be cause for acting out to get attention, even for a well behaved kid.

And AT school, insist they be in separate everything -- classes, gym classes, music class at school etc. -- as much as feasible. Academic classes, for sure.

My mother and her sister were in the same grade after 3rd grade. I'm sure it was a bit of a hit to my mom, who lived in a small town and had to be in the same CLASS as her sister.

I would find things outside of school to encourage them to be their own person. If kid #1 wants to do STEM club, then let kid #2 learn Spanish. Or whatever. Or get them into karate, t-ball, etc. Let them have something that is not associated with school to shine in. And if there is a learning disability, then help your younger son to be gentle to his brother who learns differently than he does. Another possibility is to have one boy start in private school in the fall, if you feel that would be appropriate.

I would also keep an ear out for teacher comparisons. My sks weren't in the same grade, but if they had the same teachers, SD hated it. She was always compared to her over achieving, super smart older brother. So much so that in HS she chose a different school to attend so she could be her own person. (FWIW, SS gets good grades, but SD is no slouch and is the more motivated person and a harder worker overall...so every kid is different.) I once had to firmly tell an 8th grade teacher that I was at the Open House for SD, not SS, so what could she tell me about THAT child?

I also agree that if your son has a learning disability, he should have a modified plan and an IEP and may not need to be retained in 1st grade if he can move to 2nd with those modifications. You really need to get information on IEPs and see if that is the route you should truly take.

i'd start by losing terms like 'left back' and 'held back.' it's hard to find euphemisms that don't carry a pejorative sense, but you want your older child to feel empowered by being where he needs to be, not like 'the dumb kid'.
and i applaud you heartily for doing what your child needs, and not bowing to concerns over perceptions. i think social promotion and valuing self-esteem over actual academics has been so damaging to our country as a whole.
now if we could just get rid of the insanely inane notion that all kids of the same age should have the exact same intellectual, developmental and emotional capabilities we'd start to make progress.
it's inevitable that there will be cruel remarks and some degree of comparison. i think the best way to handle it is with calm understanding, but no coddling. don't ever permit it in your own family (ie your younger son is not ever permitted to sneer at his brother over this, not even in intense anger), and if and when it arises for your older boy, ask leading questions that allow him to express to you just exactly what his concerns are. i say this because it will be very tempting to anticipate problems and try to fend them off by 'getting him ready', which is commendable but can backfire very easily by making him super-sensitive to comments and situations which may well NOT arise. deal with frustrations and obstacles as they arise. have him participate in activities that he's good at, and in which he can shine. remind him when necessary (not obsessively!) of his strengths. help him develop both a thick skin, and an inner confidence that will carry him through.
he'll probably get hurt at times. but it won't break him or scar him permanently.
you got this, mama!
khairete
S.

My best friend in high school was in the same grade as her brother.
She and her brother were close in age (her Mom had Irish twins).
Our school system was big enough that they were never in the same classroom and each had their own friends.
My friend got along well with all her siblings (she was one of seven),

If there's a learning disability you want to be sure he gets the help he needs.
Promoting him if he hasn't learned the material won't be doing him any favors - he needs to know the 1st grade stuff in order to succeed in 2nd grade (and beyond).
Some things come easily for some people and not for others.
Try to help him see he's not in competition with his younger brother - each boy grows/learns at his own pace and there's nothing wrong about it.

My friend had a boy and a girl only a year apart. When it was time for the first, the boy, to start kindergarten, his preschool teachers, his parents, and everyone who met him knew this summer birthday boy wasn't ready to start school and should wait a year. I mean, the summer before kindergarten, the kid was still pooping in his pants. But the parents didn't listen because they didn't want their son to be in the same grade as his younger sister, who was undoubtedly on track. By third grade, he had been in three different schools (public and two private). He had continual behavior problems, wasn't able to handle the material, and the parents were tearing their hair out.

When I think of what they have put this kid through and the self concept he has developed (I'm a bad kid, I'm dumb, etc...), and the fact that the parents, who are extremely smart with advanced degrees, keep blaming the teachers and schools instead of looking at their kid, I have to believe he would have done a lot better in the same grade as his sister. Not only would that be responding to his individual needs and allowing him to develop at the pace that was right for him, he would have had his sister (they are very close) as a friend and confidante in his grade, more like twins. I think pushing him too hard too early was far more damaging to his self esteem and schooling than if he had been in the same grade as his sister. Now, in fourth grade, they feel it's too late toe change anything. Maybe so, but they also have 8 more years of this - I'd rather change it now than have a depressed, anxious, failing teenager.

I realize you agree that your older son should repeat 1st grade.....

I didn't have quite the same situation, but we had our oldest repeat 4th grade. However, we did it when we moved from Iowa to Texas, so it wasn't like all her friends knew that she repeated a grade.

Her younger sibling was not in the same grade as her, however, at that point, they were only separated by 1 grade (oldest entered 4th in Texas, next entered 3rd).

I would just try to emphasize that everyone has things that they are better at. Is there something you can help your oldest excel at? A sport, maybe? Emphasizing his strengths will help build his self-esteem.

If possible, start getting your older son into outside activities so he can start to develop some friendships.

If he is diagnosed with a severe enough learning disability, he is legally entitled to a summer program. While it likely won't be enough to bring him up to grade level, simply being in school an extra month may help him to retain skills that otherwise might deteriorate over the summer.

Well, how far behind is he? Is it even feasible for him to be able to catch up over the summer? I would talk to his teacher and Principal and discuss possibilities. Would he greatly benefit from a intensive one on one Program over the summer? If the teacher thinks that would work, I would invest and enroll him in a summer program at Sylvan learning center or equivalent. I would try everything I could to make him ready for second grade. Of course, if the teacher thinks that it would be a bridge too far for him and he is just too far behind, I would revisit allowing him to be held back....

Good for you for holding him back. You can give him chores to build his self esteem by letting him order the pizza at a restaurant, allowing him to sit on the front seat, letting him decide on dinner choices, etc.

ETA

I worked a LOT of years with kids with disabilities.

Here's the fact. IF IF IF he has a disability he may NEVER get this material at the same rate as other kids. IF IF IF he has a disability should they keep him in first grade forever because he can't get that material? Of course not.

If he has a disability then they school should have already had the school psychologist in the room observing him and already provided you with the names of places you can take him for eval.

IF IF IF he has a cognitive disability they should not flunk him because of it. They should provide him with an IEP that covers this. If he is only low but not significantly under average then they should provide him with pull out programs to work on those specific topics he's having trouble in.

Kids with disabilities do NOT get flunked because they don't know the material. They get pulled out of class to work on reading, math, and more. The school bends over backwards to help this child be successful.

They DO not perpetually flunk him because he's disabled and cannot grasp the concepts and "get" it the same as the other kids. THE SCHOOL has to step up and do as much as they can.

How do you think kids with Down's Syndrome graduate high school and they can only write their name and do a tiny bit of basic reading? The school cannot flunk them due to them not grasping the information. The kids are mainstreamed and they work with them as best as they can but they progress to the next grade just like the other kids.

You should have the testing/eval done now. This week. He deserves to have as much going for him as possible.

You mentioned learning disabilities. He is not like other kids. He is different and nothing anyone does can fix a disability. It is a life long part of him.

He may NEVER get the material for first grade. legally they can flunk him 3 times in each grade. So, next March, when he still doesn't have the material down are you going to be wondering if he should do first grade again?

Get the evals done so you know what you're working with. A disabled kid is different and they don't have to fit the mold. He deserves to have every advantage he is legally obligated to have from that school.

********************************************************
I'd say put the older kid in summer school and make them pass him. If he's at all able to do the work the summer might give him the advantage and get him passed.

I hate when kids ae flunked. I know it has to happen sometimes but it's so detrimental for the rest of their lives. They always have to explain why they're a certain age and in "that" grade instead of the grade they're supposed to be in.

My grandson was failed in first grade due to his dad bringing him 5 minutes late to school every day. He was counted off a half day each time. Dad got off work in another town at 7:30am, picked up kiddo from the overnight babysitter in that other town. He was ready to go to school. Took him straight to school but he got there at 8:15 in stead of 8:10. They often hadn't even done the morning announcements yet.

It was really sad. They said legally they couldn't pass him. Dad couldn't just quit work, this job paid really well. So kiddo failed first grade. He knew all the material and was actually ahead of the rest of the class. His teacher often gave him extra work to do and he excelled at all he was given.

He shot up over 6' in 5th grade. He was so humiliated to be taller than even the majority of the teachers. If he had been in the next grade up at the Jr. High he would have fit in just fine. They all had their almost adult size growth spurts that year.

So try to get him passed. Try everything you can.

I would have older one tested and move to second grade. He can get extra help then. I just see problems down the road with them both in same grade.

I think the studies show.. that holding kids back is not beneficial.. they may make some gains in the extra year in that grade.. but within a few years they are right back where they were ... behind their classmates.. there was a boy in first grade with my daughter last year.. his second time through first grade.. and he was still at the bottom the very bottom of first grade even though everything should have been review for him.

the boy didn't get it the first time around and didn't get it the second time around..

yes.. he needs evaluated to see where the problem is.. the school should do this.. keep asking till you get answers... I know the child in my daughters class was tested at the local hospital for learning disabilities...

You have to find a way to tell the older one that he needs more time to understand the work and he is not at fault.

I had to do this with my daughter We explained to her that she was not being punished it was just that she needed more time to understand what was needed. We didn't make anything big about it just matter of fact. We did early enough that it did not cause a problem. A classmate of hers was held back later in grade 4 and she burst into tears when she saw that she did not pass. This was her second time repeating a grade.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You know that he needs help and you are doing your best to get him help.

the other S.