Discipline Techniques for Ages 4-7

Merriam-Webster defines discipline as training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character. Many people mistakenly equate discipline with punishment, but they are not the same thing, and they have quite different results for both children and parents. Punishment is punitive, and it changes a specific behavior, but often only when the punisher is present. An article by Michigan State University Extension explains: using a positive discipline approach still necessitates that the parent or caregiver be consistent and firm, but at the same time teaches children what is proper and expected; trains and equips them with the knowledge, skills and abilities to make appropriate choices; and guides them in making those choices using consistent, loving, respectful and age-appropriate consequences.

One key point to positive discipline techniques is that they must be age-appropriate. So how do you help your 4- to 7-year-old learn the behaviors you expect from them, especially if you want to avoid punishment?

Reinforce the positive
Veronica Flores, a professional learning specialist with the Pre-K4SA program, suggests that you begin by telling your child what you want him to do, rather than what not to do, then demonstrate and model the desired action. She also encourages you to state those expectations clearly and simply in developmentally appropriate language. Emma Pamley-Liddell, mom and former social worker, shares, “James Baldwin said, ‘Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.’ You cannot teach children to behave in a positive way if you cannot live and follow the same rule.”


Set clear expectations
Hilary Thompson, health and wellness expert, reiterates the need to be clear about the expectations and to establish boundaries early. Instead of telling your child, ‘Be good and behave yourself,” help her understand your expectations by telling her what “be good” looks like – “Play with your sister without hitting.” If you can’t quickly define the expectation, like “be good,” it’s highly unlikely a 4-year-old will understand it, either.

Thompson also encourages giving a name to your child’s feelings. She points out that “Half of a child’s problems are not being able to regulate their emotions. Name what they’re feeling when they’re feeling it, then state a boundary and suggest an alternative.” For example, you might say, “I can see that you’re very angry that the play date has to end, but it’s not okay that you hit me when you’re angry. When you’re mad, you can stomp your feet or hit this pillow." Now, your child not only know what is and isn’t acceptable, but he also has an identified feeling and can transfer the new understanding to other, similar situations.

Offer options
Instead of handing down an edict, offer your child options. Keba Richmond-Green, psychotherapist and relationship expert and author of Not My Child: Parenting Resource Guide for Parents and Pre-Teens reminds parents that this is the age of exploration and curiosity. She says, When giving a child the option to choose or decide, they are empowered to explore and fosters independence. Keep the choices simple, but let your child choose from an apple or a cup of grapes for a snack, or let her pick between two books to read together.

Experts encourage parents to pay attention, to be aware of when a child is showing the desired behaviors or even making an effort to meet the expectation. Joanne Newfield, marriage and family therapist, reminds parents that offering praise helps your child learn what you like, which, in turn, increases the desired behaviors. Point out what they are doing well, rather than correcting them when they are falling short. Try things like saying: I like the way you are sitting up in your chair or you’re doing such a good job of playing without fighting with your brother.

Use visual trackers
Also, Thompson recommends visual trackers of the behavior. She suggests using an empty jar and cotton balls. You place the empty jar in a prominent place, at your child’s eye height. Each time you notice the desired behavior, give her a cotton ball to place in the jar. When the jar is full, your child gets a big reward. To make this even more effective, make sure your child gets to help pick out the reward. And, unless it is extreme, don’t remove balls from the jar for misbehavior, at least not in the beginning. Later, when your child is older, you can revisit that policy.


Encourage health, wellness and consistency
Thompson also reminds parents that it might be necessary to adjust your expectations if your child is sick, hungry, or tired. Make sure that children get adequate sleep and eat three meals and a snack or two; if they miss one or more of those, enforce those expectations with a little bit more leeway than usual.

Flores encourages you to be enthusiastic and generous with your praise and encouragement, but to also be sensitive to the child who might be overwhelmed by that enthusiasm; if your child responds better to more subdued expressions, tone down the exuberance, but offer encourage just as generously.

Finally, it is critical that you are consistent with your expectations to avoid confusion and insecurity. Clearly communicating the boundaries of acceptable behavior is important, and establishing routines and schedules helps children learn and comply with your expectations.

Pam Martin has been writing professionally since the early 1980s, on a wide variety of topics. She brings 20 years of classroom teaching and tutoring experience to the party, including early elementary classes and courses in writing, reading and literature, history, geography and government at middle and high schools. She is also accomplished in crafting and in writing about projects, including her blogs, Roots and Wings From the Village, The Corner Classroom, and Sassy Scribbler, which encompass crafting, cooking, lesson plans, and professional writing advice.