How To Survive a Public Tantrum
You’re halfway through your weekly grocery list, contemplating whether you should get the mayo with olive oil or without, when the familiar shrieking of your child jolts you away from the ingredient list. The public tantrum was building slowly over the past 30 minutes, and you did everything in your motherly power to pacify and deter. But the angry tears, the piercing howls, and outright defiance of your authority have left you angry and embarrassed – again.
“Temper tantrums are, unfortunately, normal events in a child’s, and a parent’s, development,” explained Lauren Urban, a Brooklyn-based therapist, mother, and founder of the Psychobabble Brooklyn blog. “They will happen, and as parents it’s not good to kowtow to a child’s every demand in order to avoid them. This sets a precedent that becomes very hard to break. It is also unhelpful to threaten a punishment or a removal of privileges when a child is about to melt down – it just ensures DEFCON 5.”
So what do you do to survive a mortifying public meltdown? Start by following this advice.
Find Your Happy Place
It may sound weird and unhelpful, but we’re not kidding! Urban said that as the adult in the situation, it’s ultimately your job to prevent escalation. One of the best things you can do to calm yourself is to stop, even momentarily, and breath.
“Here’s a helpful breathing exercise that may provide immediate chill-out effects for you,” she said. “Inhale slowly for a count of four then exhale slowly for a count of four. Do this as many times as it takes to get you grounded and calm, and then deal with your child.”
Step Outside
“Removing your child from the situation, even temporarily, can be an effective way of helping everyone calm down,” explained Urban. “Rather than walking out in a punitive way or making it about the child’s inability to control him or herself leading to punishment, it is helpful to frame this as an opportunity to get some air and calm down before resuming activities, or going home.”
Forget About Onlookers
You’re only human, and it’s completely normal to feel embarrassed as strangers look at you with wide eyes, shake their heads back and forth, or even make unnecessary comments. So yeah, while it may not be easy to completely ignore those around you, try your best to focus on the task at hand – your screaming kiddo – and pay less attention to others.
“When we feel judged or scrutinized, it’s really hard to not feel stressed, then pressured, then irritable about a child who is acting out,” noted Urban. “The problem is that an irritable parent plus a tantrum-ing child equals boom. Do the best you can to remind yourself that your imagined audience of looky-Lous and judgy-Judys do not have their feet in your Nikes, so they simply do not know.”
Urban added that in her experience, about half the people who you think are looking at you are really not interested at all, and another 25% feel sympathy because they’ve been there, too.
Figure Out the Underlying Causes of Distress
“Common reasons a child throws a tantrum usually fall into two categories: physical and emotional or behavioral,” said Urban. “Some of the physical reasons are fatigue, hunger (hangry kids are tantrum-y kids), and physical discomfort, including pain or sickness. Some of the emotional or behavioral reasons are frustration or confusion, not having needs met, and inconsistent or unclear boundaries.”
The sooner you’re able to identify the reasons why your child is acting act, you will be able to mitigate the ensuing tantrum. Ultimately, said Urban, you must “do your best to mitigate any possible physical causes of a tantrum and provide clear boundaries and limits for your children to help prevent confusion and frustration.”
Wendy Rose Gould is a writer based in Phoenix, Arizona. She covers women’s lifestyle topics for numerous digital publications, including InStyle, xoVain, Refinery29, Revelist, PopSugar and ModCloth. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram or at WendyGould.com
