10 Year Old and Dance Drama. What Would You Do?

She's been dancing since she was two, competitively since age 5.

Which means she's been doing it because it's what YOU want, not because it's what she wants. You want her to finish what she started...but she didn't start it. You did.

Just something to think about.

I am a little fuzzy. Is she practicing her stretches at home?
If so and she is not becoming more limber, talk to the teacher and show her the log of stretches and time spent, etc. Ask her if there are alternate stretches that compliment the goal .
I'm with you. She committed - she stays.
She may be a perfectionist and if having been one of "The best" in all the other classes and now she isn't can be unsettling for her identity at the studio. I think a pep talk. reminding her that it is OK not to be "the best" and the goal of the class is not to be competitive, but to do better than the last time could help.

I would let her quit. I don't see anything positive about making her continue to do something that causes her to become physically ill.

I remember my mom not letting me quit piano lessons, which I hated, unless I also quit dance, which I loved. But I hated piano more so quit both. I still regret not being able to dance, but I don't regret the decision, that's how much I hated piano.

Don't be that mother. Let her quit.

There could be a lot of different things, some unrelated to dance, even, going on here.

First, though my kid doesn't do competitive team dance, she does do extensive ballet and modern dance (age 11), and classes of one hour and fifteen minutes are normal at this age and stage. So the length of this particular class is not unusual.

Second, you already know part of the problem: She's intimidated by the teacher. I know that the director sat in on this class and said it's not an issue in her eyes, but what matters is whether there are issues in your child's eyes -- the director of course expects a rigorous class and the director also is the person who hired this teacher, so naturally the director feels the class is fine. And probably it is. But if your child is not clicking with this instructor, or worse, frightened of her -- and stomach cramps and tears sure sound like fear to me -- there IS an issue even if it's not there for other kids.

Your child will encounter some tough teachers if she is going to continue in dance, and we all have to learn to cope with teachers who seem to be hard on us in particular. Has your daughter tried doing stretches daily at home? If so, did that help? If not, can you and she commit to her doing that -- you really do need to help out here and ensure that she is doing it, maybe at the same time every day. Make the environment for it pleasant; let her pick music or even do it in front of the TV if she can do that and still do the moves properly; whatever keeps her going a little longer. Reward her! A week of stretching X minutes every day gets her reward Y. There is NO harm in an additional reward here; saying "It's all for class" sounds noble but she is having a tough time and another small incentive is not going to spoil her. But you need to know -- it may not be a magic bullet even if she does stretch daily. She will get discouraged if she does it and the teacher is still on her case. But she could certainly try, and you can support her with a lot of positive talk and reinforcement.

She also: May be having growing pains or other real, physical issues. Is she developing breasts? Do the stretches have them down on their chests much, in which case frankly it would hurt her? You say she's not the most flexible -- one can improve flexibility to an extent, but I have read many times that there is certain point beyond which one cannot change the flexibility one got naturally; is the teacher wanting them to twist into pretzels?

She may be stressed by the dance scene outside this one class. Is she OK with her other classes, rehearsals and competitions? Does she enjoy them and want to go? Or is she a bit resistant, or maybe just quiet, when those things come up? It's possible that this class's toughness is bringing out a larger issue of her being stressed with the school overall, and/or the competitiveness and pressure of dance team. Does she ever mention, even casually, that other girls seem more talented, are more flexible, get better "parts" in the dance, etc.? She may be feeling she's not doing well but has to keep slogging on.

I would try to talk with her, at a time when she is calm and absolutely NOT when she is coming off any dance classes, rehearsals or competitions, and find out how she really feels about the whole scene -- the competitive nature of it, the other kids, the studio as a whole. Tell her up front that you are not going to judge her and she is free to express her feelings good or bad and it will not end up in her being told to do...anything. She may need to vent and if she thinks that will end with her being told, "Well you MUST keep on" or even "Well you HAVE to stop," she will hold back. Don't let her just shrug and say "It's OK except that one class." Find out what she does like about it, which teachers she likes and why, why she finds it appealing. If she can't come up with enthusiastic answers -- she may be drifting away from this activity and continuing it because "It's what I've always done" and she doesn't know, at 10, how to tell you she wants out and doesn't know how to define herself any other way. Kids at this age sometimes really feel locked into their one big extracurricular activity; they feel it IS who they are and they don't know how to cope if they want to leave it because then...who are they? If you feel that could be behind this, you and she need to have some very open communication and you may need to be open to her dropping dance.

If she is fine with everything except this one class, she may need to complete it but needs strategies just to get through -- Stretching at home; being ready to deal if that stretching does not improve; learning to take on board what the teacher says that helps her improve but ignore what seems like the teacher picking on her too much. Is there an alternative to this class? Another version of it at a different time with another teacher? You can say you have a schedule issue and just move her. But I know that often is not possible.

Someone else posted that you could shop for another studio. Good idea. Unless she is very close to other kids at her studio, you could look for one that is more supportive and possibly even for an outlet where she does non-competitive dance, if the competitive part is stressing her.

I would also talk with other parents of dancers her age and in her group. Do they too feel that this teacher is too tough? Do their kids also fear this class or feel they're being singled out? That gives you a read, sometimes, on the larger picture, though each kid is different.

Dance should be fun, not stressful, and rewarding, not dreaded. I don't believe in quitting but I also think you need to delve into this much more with your child, other parents and possibly the teacher again if this persists, especially after your child makes an effort to stretch at home.

I am a firm believer in not quitting when it comes to stuff that HAS to be done in life - things like chores, learning to read, etc. Dance is something only a small percentage of the population does. And in my opinion it should be done because they love it. How ridiculous would it be to attend a ballet show where half the girls are "forced" to be there? It sounds like she likes dance, but perhaps not enough to be competitive. She tried it and you can both see it simply isn't something she loves. In fact it is making her physically ill. So why force her to do something that is not necessary simply out of principle? Let her find things she loves and go with her passions, helping her to discover what she really loves in life. If she still loves dance and wants to pursue it in a fun way, let her switch studios to one that is not competitive. If she wants to try something else for a while, let her do that. If she would rather just enjoy some time just being a kid and riding her bike and playing in the park for a while after school, let her do that. I just don't believe in forcing kids to do extracurricular things they hate. She won't learn to be a quitter if you let her leave. She'll learn she has a compassionate, caring mother who takes her feelings seriously and will always be there to support her in whatever she decides to pursue or not pursue. And what better lesson is that? :)

You need to have a real sit down discussion with your daughter about where she wants to go with dancing in the long term. Proper stretching is crucial to dancing at this age where if you are not flexible enough, you can do some permanent damage. And yes, it hurts, but her teacher is right, if she will do it daily it wont hurt nearly so much anymore. But competitive athletes have to learn to move beyond this kind of pain.

Ask her to imagine her life without dancing and if that's the road she really wants to go down. If she hates it that much give her an option for a different art form (but no less difficult) and tell her that facing a challenge is part of growing up, but she has a say in what the challenges are that she gets to face.

Sometime when she is calm I would have a serious conversation about what it is she wants. At 10 years old and with 5 years experience, she's earned her say. Does she really love this dance program? This studio? This team? Dancing at all? Did she even want to take this class, or was she just placed into it? What happens if she quits the stretching class? She's kicked off the competitive team? Then what? Would that be something she could accept? Could she persue dance through a less competitive community ed program, or a different dance school? Or start up a different activity all together? The worst thing in the world is being a kid who is miserable and feeling like you have no power to change your situation.

First, I am a firm believer of finishing what you start but your little girl sounds miserable! Has she ever enjoyed the dance classes? Is this behavior new?

Second, just because the director sat in on the class means nothing to me. The teacher may have backed off a little so as not to look bad with the director sitting right there.

Third, does your little girl even want to be in this dance stuff?? Or do YOU want her to be in it? Not trying to be mean, but I've seen way too many kids do things because the parents want them to, not the kids. Maybe she would enjoy just regular dance classes without the competition part of it.

Good luck!!

No if she is ok with the rest I'd take her out of the class. There are a lot of teams out there. Your daughter does not need that. The teacher and your daughter are not a good match and if she is that scared and saying she is sick there is something more going on than you are getting. Get her out now.

How hard for both you and your girlie. I imagine you both have invested a ton of time into dance. I would insist that she finish up the rest of the class so she is not quitting midstream with the caveat that she can decide not to sign up again when the class is over. In the interim, maybe shop around for a different studio that is less focused on the fundamentals and more on fun. She has reached that point in her dancing where she has to decide does she want to go the more serious and competitive route or do it just for fun. Maybe she is ready to try something else completely or do you
think she loves it but just is going through a tough patch? It seems like
only the kids that truly love love love it embrace the harder aspects of
competitive dance like crazy long hours of stretching. It is not everyone's
cup of tea. Maybe she does love it but needs more peer encouragement. Can you set up some social outings with the girls at the studio? Is there an older kid she can meet with who can tell her that she found it worth it to push through the harder classes in order to keep improving? Peer influence at this age is huge.

I am *usually* a firm believer in not allowing my kids to quit something they signed up for half way thru...

However, in this situation, if she is truly crying and making herself sick before practice, that is SO not good and I would have a hard time justifying making my child finish something that I started for her if she was that miserable... I think I might let her quit?!

I whole-heartedly agree with everything Christy Lee has said, I hope you think about what she wrote before you make your decision.

"My daughter has been on this competitive dance team since she was 5."

That is a long time, half of her whole life at this point. but now that her body is changing, you are all going to realize her strengths and limitations. There is a reason so few people in the world can be dancers for very long.

Her body may not be a dancers body. Not everyone is flexible like a dancer will need to be.

She may need to just be in dancing classes and not competing. This way she can enjoy the beauty and fun of it, but not have to compete against people that have bodies that can naturally do these things.

This is not a failure, it is a realization.

I suggest she finish out this class and then really take a realistic look at what she wants to do next with her dancing,.

I would let her quit. Extra-curricular activities are, IMO, for the purpose of having fun, and if she's not enjoying it, you're wasting her time and energy, her teacher's time and energy, and your time and money.

No question - I would not make my daughter go. Getting nauseous, crying, etc... absolutely I would not make her go. This teacher sounds awful, quite frankly. Your daughter is 10, not 25. Though even at 25, I wouldn't want an instructor like you described. Isn't the point of bringing dance into her life to help her find a passion for dance and the arts and a love for this form of expression? You are going to do the opposite - she is going to hate dance if she is forced to endure this. Or, is the point for her to win dance competitions? My daughter is 4 and last year I enrolled her in a ballet/gymnastics class and she loves it. The teacher is awesome and it's all about having fun while learning how to express yourself through dance. My daughter loves being around all the other girls and loves this class. I know you are talking about a dance team, not a class. But I would never think of making my daughter go through this. As for finishing what you've started, there are no black and whites in life. You also have to teach her to be reasonable and to be able to use common sense and make her own decisions and live with the consequences. What I mean is, ask her what she wants to do and let her do it! If this were school, i would be more strict about making her finish up but this is dance.

She's been dancing for 8 years, and competing for 5.
You want her to finish what she started, what does that mean, you expect her to do it until she's 18?
Honestly she's made it longer than a lot of kids, and this IS the age when it starts to get hard.
Your daughter is making a choice: if she wants to continue as a dancer, she needs to put more into it.
Let her make that choice.
She's only ten, there are many other activities she can try and explore.
I know it's hard to see your kid walk away from something they've put a lot of time into (and that you've put a lot of money into) but that's life. I was sad when my (very talented) daughter quit soccer after seven years, but what could I do, force her to keep playing a game she was clearly done with?
Let her quit, you'll both be happier.

I suggest you try sitting in the class and being berated by the teacher for not being able to stretch enough and trying to do it so much that it hurts so bad and feeling physically ill every time you think about having to go back and then decide if you really want to continue putting her through that torture every week. If she's miserable, please don't force her to continue. It's just a silly dance class. It's not what is important in life. Teach her to make her own choices in these things, and let her feel empowered by choosing to pursue what she loves in life and not just what she is "forced" to do. If you feel like you've already paid for the class and hate to be out the money, then I suggest telling her that you trust her to make her own choices and if she wants to stop now, that's fine with you, but you want her to do chores to earn the money to pay for the rest of the class. And you get the added benefit of a real life lesson on working hard to pay off something you owe - something many adults still haven't learned.

This is part of advancing.
To do the more advanced stuff, you have to work harder.
Stretching is not something that comes over night.
You gradually stretch more till it's comfortable, then stretch more, etc.
I didn't think I could do it at first but I DID work on it at home (it almost became relaxing) and within 3 months - I was one of the most limber girls in class.
I ENJOYED showing off how easy a split was - I could hyper extend (go a little farther than 180 degrees) - people started to think I was double jointed.
But it took work and practice to get there.
And you get there in small increments - you don't want to pull any ligaments or rip any muscles.
Your daughter has put up a wall against herself - I can't do it - I won't do it - I hate being forced to try - I WANT TO QUIT.
If she quits now - what will she do the next time something difficult comes up?
Stretch with her at home.
Have her show you what to do - let HER be the teacher - in charge and encouraging you.
She should stick it out.
She'll feel better about class when she feels she is better prepared for it.
Besides being a physical growth opportunity - it's an emotional opportunity as well.

I agree with the poster that said she's been doing this for half her life. She's growing, her body is changing, her center of gravity is changing too. That makes things harder. Maybe it's time for her to take a leave of absence. Try new things. She can always come back to dance, although maybe not competitively or this particular team.

When does the term end? If it's not too long (several weeks), she can finish. Light at the end of the tunnel and all that. But I wouldn't make her stick it out if it's over a month or I'd talk to the director about alternative classes. Take her off the dance team and just let her take lessons until end of term. I'm sure you can find some sort of happy medium because it's really not worth the fight. I don't think you want your daughter to resent you.

Good luck!

I agree with most of what has been posted in the answers before mine... she has been doing this a long time, and SHE did not choose to start it. Sure, she might have seemed interested or whatever, but from 2-5, I can promise, she had no ability to make a long term decision (like, for the next 7 years I will do dance)....
That said,
you didn't mention whether or not your daughter is doing the suggested "practice at home". Is she?

Okay, I had different emotions during reading this so I might be all over the place here.

I work in a clothing store inside a dance studio/gymnastics business. I see parents go through this. I tend to think the kids go through phases where they see if they can get out of going and doing stuff. If parents react how the kids want they continue to do act this way.

So, take her to class, drop her off, don't discuss it, tell her she has to have this class for competition. IF she is hurting herself then my advice is different. Tell the owner you are looking at other studio's since this class is not working out. IF she tries to talk you out of it and has valid reasons then she may find a different class daughter can take. If she doesn't even try to talk you out of it then they were pretty much done with her as a student anyway.

If she is being pushed beyond her limits then you know she has reached her peak as far as being a dancer. If the stretching class is beyond her abilities and hurting her then she needs to do something differently.

IF, IF, IF she enjoys regular dance then take her to a different studio and enroll her in regular dance classes.

When I read your post, it might as well have been written about me. I see this from your daughter's perspective, because I was just like your daughter. Flexibility did not and STILL does not come naturally to me, and I was and still am jealous and intimidated by those who are like rubber bands. Err. And guess what, I teach dance! Just because you're not the most flexible girl, doesn't mean you cannot pursue what you enjoy.

I was the girl in dance class that would get upset after working for weeks to perfect a split and still not have it when others did the minimum stretching and had it perfect. It wreaks havoc on your self esteem to see other girls having no problem, and you still can't get it. Trust me.

That being said, the instructor is correct that your daughter must continue to stretch daily at home in order to stay and increase her flexibility. But if she really wants your daughter to master this, she should have offered some suggestions for how/when to stretch. Have your daughter take a hot shower, and THEN stretch. The heat from the shower will loosen her muscles and make it less painful. Did she tell her some good exercises to do? Can you video the instructor doing the stretches for 20-30 minutes and then pop that in the VCR for your daughter to watch every day? A 10 year old is most likely going to need some help with taking the initiative at home. If the instructor won't allow you to video her, ask if there are any videos she would recommend. (There are - go to discountdance.com) Leaving it up to your daughter to figure out what to do at home is too much for her to be responsible for figuring out. She needs assistance.

You could also see if she could sign up at your studio for more stretching classes or try pilates or barre kids class. Is she close to any of the other girls in her class? Could they help your daughter a couple times a week with her stretches? Make it fun by having them over and stretching? She needs guidance and reassurance that she can do this if she WANTS to.

Now, on the other side, you need to determine if dance is truly something your daughter wants to continue. Maybe she does, but not at the level she has been doing. This is a rough age. They are starting to deal with girl drama, and hormones, and she may just be overwhelmed and need to take a break. If she doesn't want to quit dance completely, she can enjoy dance at the recreational level. There's nothing wrong with that! If your studio doesn't offer recreational classes, there are plenty of studios in Mt. Pleasant/Charleston that do.

I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with your daughter and ask her to truly think about whether she wants to continue dance at this level or at all. If she doesn't, you need to be ok with that and let her quit. It doesn't mean she's a failure or that you are a failure as a mom. She's at an age where she's figuring out what she likes/doesn't like, and sometimes you don't realize it until your midway in it and you stop and think to yourself, "why am I doing this? I hate it!". She may have just had that moment!

I'm not a big fan of quitting halfway either, but the stress it is obviously creating on her is not worth it to her or you or your pocketbook. Dance is expensive and if she's miserable, you need to set her free.

Good luck and hugs to your daughter. I can totally relate. :)

Oh jeez, let her quit. How would you like it if someone forced you to keep doing something you hate?

It's extremely unlikely that she's going to become a professional dancer. I think you should reevaluate your stance that you have to finish what you start. What does "finish" mean? Does she have to do this for the rest of her life?

Please let her quit. She is getting naseous, etc., she obviously hates it.

I would not let her quit halfway though what kind of message does that send ?that giving up will solve her problems.
I think Sarah hit the nail on the head.
Sit her down and ask her those questions.
Is she stretching at home? Does she practice at all at home, if not how did she dance competitively for the last 5 year without it. Some of the best dance teachers ARE the tough ones. I know the girls in the company for our studio are at the studio 4 to 5 nights a week, every week.
With the stomach hurting etc, sounds like she's nervous about this class. I'd explain to her that her teacher is tough on her because she knows she can do what she's being asked. That she's good enough to do it and that's why she expects so much. Most things in life that are worth doing are hard.

I need the answers to some of the questions already asked to fully answer. #1 Does she want to quit dance/competition or just this class?
#2 Does she have to take this class to compete?
#3 If she DOES have to take this to compete (and she still wants to compete) does she understand the consequences of quitting.
#4 Is there another stretching class that she can try w a different teacher.

I'm not a fan of letting your kids just quit...especially since it could affect her teammates/competiton groups. However if she's making herself SICK over this...that's not normal. I'd think there were something BIGGER going on. I'd let her quit (especially if its just the one class) but again I can't answer fully without the full details.

I just have to address some ASSUMPTIONS some people are making. My daughter does competition dancing. She started when she was 6 yo. It was not a choice *I* made for her. I have to cut her off in how many competition dances she can do in a year. She started dancing when she was 2yo...she DEMANDED it lol! Her older sister danced and she wanted in that class so bad she could taste it. It actually helped me get her potty trained cause you had to be potty trained to go to dance. So don't just assume that this mother pushed her daughter into dance. Yes, lots of kids get put in dance by their parents (I did w my older) but it's not always the case. Most kids on the competition team (even the younger ones) WANT to dance.

watch the class! if you see something unreasonable then talk to the teacher afterwards dont they have a window that you can see through? is she practicing the stretches at home? remind her that with out proper technique she can seriously injure herself.
that being said after the season is over (when classes are all done before the new year) ask her if she wants to continue dancing. if she says no then dont put her in.