Do I Let Her Quit

She is 14-old enough to know when she wants to quit something. I would respect her enough to let her. I don't get the mentality of everyone has to compete when it comes clearly at the expense of the child.

Maybe she needs support. What is this "lack of sociability" that the coaches are talking about. She's not a quitter, she is upset about something.

ETA after SWH:
Maybe let her know what you have told us (perhaps edited some). Coach her on how she can handle the clique. And would I let her quit? I would certainly consider it, the message being " you don't have to put up with someone's bull just for the sake of putting up with someone's bull".

i'm always taken aback when people espouse forcing a child to do an activity they hate. if you're getting yoinked around by said child, ie a kid who picks up and drops activities on a whim, i'd certainly have a big fat NO in place.
if you really think she doesn't understand commitment and will set a lifelong pattern of letting teams down, tell her that if she quits she can't take up another activity that involves being on a team. but most reasonably intelligent kids can understand the concept of commitment and still be bummed that they've 'committed' to something they no longer enjoy but are chained to.
activities ought to have life lessons attached, true, and they do. but they also ought to be something a kid actually likes.
khairete
S.

What is the goal of "you must compete" rule? What if she was into band and drama? What if she wanted to work for the school newspaper or a writing club?

If I were you I'd let her quit swimming since she already has an activity that requires physical activity. If she doesn't make the competitive dance team why not just let her dance? I think you should ask yourself why the competing part is so important to you.

Wow - I mean to each their own... but having to compete (whether you want to or not) sure takes the fun out of a sport. What is wrong with just enjoying what she does? Why does it have to be competitive... as if getting good grades and excelling in extracurriculars isn't enough "competition".
So yes, I am all for sticking something out until the session is over - however if she wants to dance why not just let it be recreational.... making competition compulsory is an awful lot of pressure you're putting on your kids. Makes me kind of sad.
Just my opinion though - as I said, to each their own.

I guess I don't understand your family policy.
Why does "everyone have to compete in something"?

Why does she HAVE to compete. Each kid having a "thing" is totally understandable, healthy, etc. Each child having to compete is not. Forced competition, is not a good idea...in my opinion. She has done swimming how long? I'm assuming more then a year? She did honor the commitment and stuck it out when YOU wanted her to. Let her do something she enjoys. I find it kind of sad, when kids are forced to compete. What if they want to do something for fun? I was a gifted soccer player, and I was always forced to compete. I really just wanted to enjoy soccer. Much to my parents disappointment, I quit the varsity and club team, and played recreational. My PARENTS wanted me to be competitive, I did not. It's not MY job, to fulfill their desires for me. (IE, wanting their child to be competitive in something.) Really, parents SHOULD encourage physical activity and participation...and not make competition a requirement, but a choice.

Why do parents do this? Make competition a requirement? I find it really unhealthy and terribly forceful. I get she WANTS to compete in dance. Good for her, and I hope she makes it!! Because, it was HER choice. However, if she just wanted to dance for fun, would you still make her compete? If so, why?

ADDED after your SWH: It sounds like the competition is because your husband (and you?) see competitive teams as the kind that builds teamwork, but that's not so. I see teamwork in our dance studio and in our Girl Scout troop and other places. I know you have drama at swimming but any group pursuit has drama. It sounds like your daughter is coming back to her love of dance but she views swimming as standing in the way of that, possibly.

Original post:
Why must everyone in your family compete in something? I'm guessing here that maybe you feel that a competitive pursuit, either in sports or dance or whatever, forces the participant to keep up her skills--would that be right? Maybe you also feel that competitive pursuits force more commitment? Am I on the right track?

Would you be willing to see this another way?

Some people are competitive. Period. It sounds like maybe you are, yourself, and expect your kids to be. But not all people are competitive by nature. Others are more cooperative than competitive (and yes, you can be both -- teammates must cooperate -- but I think you know what I mean). Your daughter may be less competitive, or she may also be burned out on being pushed so hard to compete.

She can pursue swimming or dance non-competitively and if she is in a good program in either, she will advance her skills because she WANTS to -- not because a coach is pushing her due to some upcoming meet.

It's not about "a commitment is a commitment." Your child can commit deeply to things that are not competitive. For instance, my daughter and her fellow dancers at her studio are extremely committed to dance -- and their studio expects them to be at their classes, their rehearsals, etc. on time and ready to go and working hard. They are expected to advance each year to their next level of dance. But they do not do any competitive dance. They are a ballet company and are expected to improve constantly but they do not have to earn medals or trophies or be scored by judges. The improvement shows when a dancer gets more complex parts. The person against whom they compete is themselves. Some girls are there mostly for fun and exercise, but they take the time commitment very seriously and are there as many hours as the kids who are more ambitious. But there is no atmosphere of tension that competition can bring. They all want the whole company and all their friends to perform well for the performance's sake, not for earning scores or awards.

Please consider that your child might get much more out of an activity that is not competitive. Why put on her the tremendous pressure of "if you don't make the competitive dance team you must compete in swimming instead"? She sounds utterly burned out on swimming. But if she doesn't make the dance team, why not let her do dance that is not competitive, so she can be in a show or recital but not before a judge? If she really wants to dance she will want to please her instructors anyway and will keep up her skills because of that.

You may be making her stick with something at the cost of her knowing that you value competitive pursuits above all other pursuits, so if she isn't competing, she's not doing something you value. That's not a great way for her to feel, is it?

You're worried, I think, that if she quits swimming she will somehow learn a lesson that she doesn't have to commit to things. She's already committed to both swimming and dance for a while now; she already knows the value of commitment but she also knows she has limits. Frankly, at her age, most kids in pursuits as intense as competitive swimming and competitive dance are already doing just ONE major extracurricular because of the commitment involved -- yet she is already in two such intense activities at the same time! That's great IF she's happy and thriving. She's not.

Talk to her in a non-judgemental way, when you are both calm and she's not fussing about swimming, and ASK her if she feels burned out on swimming or on the competitive aspect of swimming. Ask her if she wants to do competitive dance team or if she really would be happier doing dance that involves recitals and performance that isn't judged. Ask her how she sees herself-- kids identify with their activities and it sounds like something in swimming is no longer appealing to her and she has decided she wants to be identified as a dancer.Talk to her rather than insisting on a fairly arbitrary rule of "any pursuit must be competitive." Because...if she does not make the dance team, she will be crushed for a long, long time, since it's been made such a huge watershed with the "if you don't make it, you MUST stay in this other pursuit" ultimatum she's been given.

And one last thing -- why compare her to her brother? She's not him and doesn't have to be. He may be a competitive person through and through and never burn out. That doesn't mean she'll be like him. She may go a more artistic route and not follow a path into sports -- even though you see competitive dance as a sport (which I agree, it is). But can you be open to the idea of her someday soon possibly saying, "I don't want to do these things competitively" and will you be able to be OK with that and accept her decision?

My daughter is a natural athlete, and we are a family that has always valued and expected physical activity (not necessarily competition) so I get that.
When she was in 8th grade she decided she was DONE with soccer. This was after seven years of play, including club/travel team play, and she was GOOD, really good.
So of COURSE I was disappointed to see her stop playing so suddenly, but COME ON, the "commitment" was honored, for years and years and years. Why should kids be locked into a single sport at such a young age? I live in a very ambitious, sports oriented community and I know for a fact that very, very few kids actually go on to play in college. As a matter of fact a LOT of them are burned out by high school, which in my mind should be THE best time for them to be involved!
Maybe you are a tennis player, or a runner, and you have been doing that non stop your entire life, but most of us try many different things before we find something we really love and connect with. Please give your daughter that chance.
Oh, and my daughter ended up trying out for the HS volleyball team (which we all thought she had no chance at since she's only 5"2" and had never played in her life.) Guess what? She made the team and played for two years. And I mean she PLAYED, she didn't sit on the bench the whole time. She played because she worked hard, and she worked hard because she WANTED to be there, not because her mom was "making" her do it.

So if you took a job and after a while decided you no longer enjoyed it, would you stick with it forever. I would start looking for a new job. Seems like your daughter has found her new 'job'. I don't see why you are forcing her to continue swimming.

She goes to private school and is on the public school swim team ... gee, I wonder why there is friction with the girls. The school I went to friction would have been guaranteed.

If there are known issues on the team then WHY are they still on the team?

I respect your not wanting her to give up, but she deserves to dedicate the extra time to dance.

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from.

It sounds like your daughter loves the sport, but hates the social dynamic. So I get why you are making her stay--because she loves the SPORT. You are not forcing her to continue with something she hates or is burned out on.

Honestly, it's hard for parents sometimes. I totally disagree with parents who don't push their kids to finish commitments or push through when the going gets tough. It's one thing when you just decide you don't like something anymore, it's another to want to quit because things got too hard. I teach gymnastics and I feel bad for the kids who reach a plateau and with some extra work could push through but the parents let them quit. I feel bad for the kids whose parents push them to continue when they don't like it anymore. It all depends on the REASON why the kids want to quit.

I would talk to your daughter about not letting the clique "win." My daughter is younger, but is experiencing something similar. The kids on the gymnastics team are being clique-y and mean to her. She's wanted to quit, but I've talked her into staying. I've told her that she's not allowed to let anyone stand in the way of her dreams.

Ultimately, she's going to have to decide if quitting is going to make her happy. What if she encounters cliques in dance? Will she quit that too? Is she going to let OTHER PEOPLE dictate what she does? Is she going to run from people? Is she going to let other people bother her and ruin something she loves? These are questions you'll have to explore with her.

It IS about commitment. It's about the fact that it's HER team too, and she deserves to be on a team with good girls. I'd talk to the coach more. I'd talk with other parents. I'd DO something about those girls--and teach your daughter how to handle girls like that. Because she will encounter them EVERYWHERE, even when she's an adult.

If you can't do anything about the girls and she's still miserable, then letting her move on is a good choice. She may be able to find a different team.

I don't think swimming is like dance or cheer where there is a routine and one person will really let the whole team down.

Good luck!

im not so sure about the "you must compete in something" rule.. but i do believe in the "once you start something you cant quit half way through" rule.. im not sure what the swimming "season" is but id say make her finish out her swimming this time around and let her do dance and when swimming starts up again its her choice wether to do it or not.. youre right in the fact that its not fair for her to just quit all of a sudden, especially if its a team thing, its not fair to everyone else... but if she really wants to put all her effort into dance id let her go for it when the time comes ... id make it clear to her though that once she starts the dance she cant decide halfway through that she made a mistake and wants to go back to swimming and she will have to wait til the next time around to make that change
--even if she doesnt make the competitive dance team she can stil continue dancing in the class right?? .. and have you really talked to her about the whole issue with the swimming?.. is it that she really doesnt want to do it or is it because of the other girls on the team? .. if it turns out that she loves the actual swimming part and its just the other team members shes having problems with it, id make a point of telling her shes "letting them win" so to speak because shes giving up something she loves because theyre a bunch of mean girls

Well, I would appeal to the fact that swimming keeps her body in excellent shape and keeps her limber. It also works her lungs so that she has stamina for long dance routines.

Swimming will keep her body flexible and lithe. Swimming teaches endurance.

I would tell her that swimming is a way to keep her body conditioned when she isn't dancing. She doesn't really need to choose one or the other.
If she makes the dance team, AWESOME!! But, she doesn't need to give up swimming all together. It can be part of her training without the actual competitiveness scenario.

My kids were both swimmers and it definitely helped them in other areas of sports. Endurance, etc.

I would try to convince her she can have the best of both worlds. Swimming is a great workout.

Just my opinion.

I think at this point you should let her quit. Her presence on the swim team isn't necessary. She's done it long enough.

Regardless of the reasons she wants out, SHE WANTS OUT. Every kid and parent is different in this situation. You know your kid best and must decide. On the one hand, she wants out, so let her out. On the other hand push her to finish and what will it accomplish? What is your concern....that she will be a quitter.....no sense of responsibility.....??? What do you believe belonging to a team teaches her and will she unlearn it if she stops doing it? Perhaps her interests have changed and swimming is not where she wants to be. Perhaps you have to give her the opportunity to choose for herself so that she can come to her own conclusions. Maybe she'll wanna quit only to learn she wants to do it for sure. In my case, we pay for the extra stuff around here, so if my kids said I don't wanna do it, we didn't. Give her some room to breathe and then make a decision together.

I'd let her quit. She's a good kid, good grades, good at her sports, she's just simply "moved on" from swimming. As long as it's not a pattern of behavior....She's just coming into who she wants to be.

I'm not sure what is gained my making her stick with it, EXCEPT when it comes to letting her team mates down. Even at six I have my daughter stick with something for a designated time, but being a part of a team is different and I just don't think its right to quit on her team. After the season, absolutely. But not in the middle.

I also wonder if you can allow her to explore what she wants to do provided she doesn't make the dance team and she doesn't want to swim. At 14, she has a lot of ideas about what she can do and it may not include what she's done before. She may need to spread her wings and even try something unfamiliar to her.

Here's a question: Would you let her quit if she didn't start dance til she would otherwise have fulfilled her obligation to the swim team? In other words, you can quit swimming, but you can't take up dance again til after the season ends? I might make that deal with her if I already paid for anything. Or is there something she can do for you to repay your time and efforts to this point? Maybe do some extra chores for you? The other part is, if she quits swimming now, is she essentially "done" at this level? Will she be out too long to resume next season? Are there any other issues other than wanting to do dance that you need to know about?

My SD wasn't good at sports at all. But she did do one activity a semester (usually theatre). We supported her in that endeavor. I would encourage her to do something every year, even if it's just a volunteer thing once a month. Many schools require service hours now and I think a little volunteering is good for kids. Kids also, frankly, need activities for college resumes.

She is a good kid, student.....so let her be content and don't make her do it. Let her quit and if she regrets it later, than so be it. It is consequences. We don't need to put so much pressure on kids today. It is okay to let her quit this if she is unhappy.

All I can say is, listen to your child . . . and I mean REALLY LISTEN. I've been down that road and been burned! Don't assume she's just being a typical teenager. She doesn't sound like a "quitter" to me -- it sounds like she may have some legitimate issues. If swimming for the high school isn't working (and it sounds like multiple issue going on with cliques, the fact she doesn't even attend that school, etc.), then are there other competitive swim options available? And if so, then why don't you let her try that instead? I just don't see the point of forcing her down a path she clearly hates because ultimately it will have a domino effect and she'll continue to be confrontational, her grades may start to suffer, etc. And I also don't get why she has to make the competitive dance team in order to quit swimming. As long as she's still involved with dance, even if it's not competitive (if for some reason she doesn't make the team) . . . why isn't that enough? Why must she then be forced to continue swimming?

My now 18 year old played viola in orchestra for 5 years and she was good. But she didn't want to do it anymore (going to a week long orchestra camp ruined it for her). I was very sad and hoped she would change her mind (she didn't), but what on earth would have been gained by forcing her to continue? Especially since she's involved in other activities -- so it's not like she was going to be sitting around the house doing nothing.

I completely support that you want your children to be active, but why are you so driven to have them competitively active? Not everyone is a "competitor." And don't compare her to your 16 YO son -- you do her a disservice. While my oldest (daughter) is not a "competitor" (at least, not your definition of competitor), my 13 year old (daughter) is overly competitive, in both sports in academics, and she also can be a bit "dramatic" while her older sister is not at all.

It's tough, I know . . . trying to figure it out while the dramatics are flying . . . and helping her make the right decisions for the right reasons . . . but guess what? Not all decisions we make are necessarily the right ones. If she quits swimming, will she regret it? Maybe . . . or maybe she really is no longer interested, and maybe there is another interest out there waiting to be discovered. So it was with my 18 year old . . . she hasn't regretted giving up viola, but has instead found a love for playing piano!

Good luck!

I let my kids quit and pick up sports as they feel like it. Sometimes they say they quit but in reality they need a brake, that's all. I do the same. Passion is what matters most. If your whole family is into competitive sports then you cannot substitute the passion element for nothing. Good luck!

My daughter has been in competitive cheer for 8 years and she LOVES it. Her team last year was not a real TEAM. Girls with bad attitudes, not supportive of each other, just not a team and not much fun. No bullying, just not a good group together. But my rule has always been you finish what you start and my daughter knows that. Well, move to this year and she LOVES the girls her team. She is so thankful now that I did not let her quit. We all have to learn to work with people we don't necessarily like. So my thought is, she stays on the swim team. You don't want to teach her that it's ok to quit just because it's tough. One of the girls on my daughter's cheer squad last year had previously quit gymnastics because it got to tough, quit the cheer gym we are at because it got to tough (mom blammed it on the coach) and quit the next cheer gym she went to because it got too tough. Not a great lesson for this girl. Stick to your rule. Let her know if the tantrums continue you will start taking things and/or privaleges away, and do it. Good luck!!!

I recommend finding a volunteer opportunity close by, one that isn't all that "easy" on her. Take her over there and have her work the same amount of time that she spends at swim practice.

I'd have her split the difference in time doing both for a couple of weeks. Then let her choose once she has gotten used to doing the volunteering.

The truth is, she's a little myopic in the way she looks at life (like many teens.) She could really use a dose of reality outside of herself. And I think that she will make the best decision for her between the two.

Dawn

First, I assume you have asked her why she hates it now and is throwing tantrums. Second, if there is no viable reason (bullying etc) going on, I would tell her that if she keeps this attitude then she will not switch to dance even if she makes the team. Third, perhaps as she has grown she is no longer a competitive person and you could find something else for her to do.

B., sole parent to Mary, 19, and Nick, 20

I think she can do what she needs to do. She is testing you and if you let her stop she has you. She knows just how much pressure she has to put on you to get out of anything. Because you caved...lol.

Tell her to get in the car and get to practice. Even if she's sick she has to go so that she is there and can listen to the coach and learn something.

I am a quitter. I am a dancer teacher and danced all my life. I would quit whenever the other girls didn't like me, etc. Its a baad habit to have. I am an adult and still dancing and yes still quits whenthe going gets rough in a group. Now mostly I just choreograph and dance solos. Dancers can be real -itches to work with in a group--. I know I am one...

Hey -
I feel like you do on this in regards to the commitment made, etc. However, one Mom compared this to take a job you don't like and I totally related to that as well (about quitting if I hated it). So, my thoughts are - talk to her about options. Right now, where I live, soccer registration just started for the spring. Could she quit swimming and take soccer for the spring?

If there really are no other sport options out there, and there truly is NO bullying going on, then I would talk to her about her attitude. Just state that you are not going to listen to the whining and complaining. And, if she keeps it up - take away things she does like. None of like to listen to whining and moaning non-stop.

Good luck,
L.

I am dealing with a similar situation. My 13 year old swims and does triathlons. He also is the student body president and is very focused on his science fair project, which is really cool but a lot of intense work. He is very stressed and I am trying to figure out how to help him have balance. He is not a competitive swimmer (he could be if he wanted to put the effort in), but he has too many other interests. I just want him to get consistent exercise. He really is an endurance athlete and needs the physical outlet to feel happy. We are struggling too....this age is not easy.