10 Yr Old Twins

Sounds like you need professional help. Ask their pediatrician for a referral to a family/child therapist. Counseling is order, probably for the whole family. Good luck!

You have a HUGE red flag you must deal with right now: Do you want to lose your husband? Let's be really frank: You do realize that if he drops dead tomorrow of a heart attack or stroke, you are going to be dealing with two boys who are infinitely angrier and needier than they already are. For the sake of dad's health and life, ALL of you need outside help. No books or classes or "techniques" or posts online are going to do what professional therapy might do for you, and the boys need it now, not when things grow even worse. .

Please seek family therapy (all of you); therapy for each boy separately; and a parenting class -- preferably one that might focus on issues for twins and/or issues for parents of kids with behavioral problems - for you and your husband. I know it sounds like a lot, but if you just do family counseling with all four of you present, it's yet another situation where both boys are there, together, and will pick at each other. Please get each one his own chance to vent without you or the other one there.

Meanwhile, does husband agree that these boys NEED to be separated as much as possible? Are they in different classes at school? They should be -- twins usually are, at least around here. Are their activities separate? (No way should they, for instance, be on the same sports team or in the same extracurricular club at school, etc.). Each needs to have his own "thing" that is his and not shared with his brother at all, even if that means more trouble for you and dad driving them around, etc. Whatever your summer plans as a family are, I'd seriously consider shelving them in favor of focusing on therapy and possibly dad taking each boy on a separate short trip, so each of them has alone time with dad while the other has alone time with you. And if the boys are signed up for summer activities together -- oh, please, no.

Please update us here.

The physical fighting is especially disturbing. It's another reason to get them professional help now, while at the same time you and dad sit them down and tell them that after that moment, the consequences for touching each other at all, in any way, will be instant removal of X -- make sure X is whatever they will most hate to lose, and if it's not clear to you which one instigated physical contact, both of them will lose X.

When it gets that tough, try counseling. The anger might be a symptom of depression or something else that a child just can't understand and communicate. Continue the love, but please get some help as soon as you can.

get professional help. do it now.
it's okay to get help when you need it. don't wait until the boys are in juvie.
ETA you are sabotaging the very possibility that counseling could help by coming up with a bunch of excuses. she may TRY to counter it, but right now she's got you right where she wants you- defeated and hopeless. you've got nothing better. counseling is their best and possibly only hope. stop deciding in advance that she's a sith lord and powerful enough to crush your soul, and do something for these kids.
khairete
S.

Separate them as much as possible.
Maybe they can go to separate summer camps - one goes for a few weeks while the other is home then switch.
You get one on one quality time with each of them while they get a whole month away from each other.
They might be twins but they are still individuals with separate and perhaps different needs.
Individual counseling for both of them - family counseling for all of you.

My 10 year old son has a really hard personality and can be very stubborn. He gets angry easily and was having "tantrums" about doing homework and causing a lot of family drama all this last school year. He always wants his way. He was being verbally abusive to everyone in the family. I started him seeing a child psychiatrist and it was really helped a lot. So, I would recommend that both of your sons start seeing someone (separately).

You are right to ask for help. It sounds like you have tried many things and now their behavior is affecting your H physically. Make another plan because this is not working.

Find a family therapist. At least from there, they can tell you what really is going on and each family member can feel like they are heard. It might be critical in evaluation for the one very negative twin for depression that often masks as anger in males.

Just make an appt and go. No waffling. Let it be like a doctors appt., a must. You can get a referral from their ped if needed.

Or you can work on this for 3-4 more yrs, they will be stronger and have more ways to destructively act out, your H health deteriorates, your marriage suffers. Bite the bullet and go!

have you taken parenting classes... love and logic is excellent. do you have rules.. consistent rules.. and consequences for breaking the rules.

see a professioinal counselor psychologist.. what you see as "bad" behavior may be mental illness.

but as they get older and bigger you do not want this to continue.. or the boys may be spending time in a juvenile detention facility.

My husband is a twin and you have to make everything even steven with those guys. They have to have the same size cake, etc. (It's obviously not as bad as when they were kids, but he still freaks out of things aren't even between our kids...and one is 7 and the other is 2 weeks...so hard to make it even between them...)

If they're having problems with who you say goodnight to first, who rides in the front seat, whatever, set a schedule. Do one twin tonight, the other the next night, etc. Make it as even as possible.

I'm sure this won't solve all of your problems, but the twins in our family (husband and brother, cousin's kids, etc) all have to have things even.

I agree with those who have suggested therapy. It sounds like there is more going on than just competition between twins. There seems to be a lot of underlying anger that is really manifesting itself now that they are older. Do they ever see their birth mom? Could some of their anger be caused by their relationship - or lack of relationship - with her? I don't mean to say you aren't an excellent stepmom, but if the birth mom isn't in the picture, they may be at an age where they are really starting to feel abandoned by her and taking it out on everyone else.

Make sure they are each given the opportunity to do the things they want to do - don't force them both to play the same sport or participate in the same activities. Make sure they are in different classes at school. Give them the chance to go to friend's houses separately or to spend 1-1 time with you or their dad. You and your husband need to make sure you DO NOT compare them in any way - not their grades, their sizes, how much food they eat, who does more chores, etc. Just let them be themselves.

Find a counselor who specialized in children, though you may need someone that the whole family can see and not just the boys. A combo of group/family and individual therapy will probably work best.

Taking away privileges isn't working, as they obviously don't care about the consequences of their actions. You need to find a new way to deal with them and, more importantly, you need to figure out why they are acting this way.