My Teenage son....help!

You "ask" him to clean his room instead of telling him?

And the TV and xbox...I don't think you get to complain about those if you allowed them to be in his room.

I'm a discipline guy - so I'd be getting me a book on how to discipline, but also see if I could find some males to mentor him (Big Brothers, family, etc).

If that didn't work, THEN I'd look to counseling.

I would take his computer, x-box, games and TV away. Then I would hand him a trash bag. All the junk he "hid' gets taken out, I would stand by his open door and watch while he did it. Then inform him he is no longer allowed to have food or drink in his room. If he can clean up his act over a span of time he can get his electronics back.

Good luck.

First thing you should do is remove all of his privileges that includes the TV, XBox, and the like. Children who act as your son is acting do not deserve the right to enjoy those things. Leave him with his bed and clothing, nothing more. This way he cannot hide trash behind things. Remove all the treats from the house as well, this way you are less likely to find all the trash in his bedroom. Regardless of whether this is typical for 15 year old boys the fact is he should be showing you respect and be mindful of what his responsibilities are. I highly recommend that as a family you all go to counseling to help him deal with the loss of his father.

<sigh> My SIL is going through the same thing with my 15 year old nephew. A lot of boys have a very hard time at this age. My nephew's family is perfectly in tact so there's no "reason" for this behavior, it's the age.
I would start by taking away the electronics. All you need to do is take away the game controllers and keyboard/mouse. That's easier than breaking down the whole system but it still has the same effect: he can no longer play his games. Yes, he WILL be furious and probably yell and scream, but stay calm, do not get into it with him until he has calmed down.
After he calms down sit down with him and let him know he WILL be able to get his games back, but there are things you need to see happen first (like cleaning his room, behaving civilly towards you and his sister, getting his grades up, etc.) Stay calm and then follow through. Enforce what you say you expect. Teens actually want and need expectations and boundaries, and as a parent of three (19, 16, 13) I know how exhausting and often times depressing it can be to enforce that. I have days where I just can't look at my daughter because her attitude is so bad and I just want her to go somewhere else for a while!

I'm sure it's a lot of things rolled up into one ball: teen angst, losing his father (which I am so sorry about), testing/pushing limits, finding himself etc.

I would def make him throw the nasty garbage out. Put a trash can by his bedroom door.

How about setting up some counseling for just him to go to. Don't make it an option. Tell him you love him, you feel he might be going through a lot so you've set up an appt w/a counselor (call it that) for him to talk to.

You can always put his xBox in another room that is not closed off like a den or office.

While some teen angst/rebellion is normal, you do not have to put up with his nasty attitude towards YOU.

Side note: do you think he might be into some type of drug? I don't want to be offensive.....just thinking outside the box.

Grades slipping in a teen (esp boy) can be due to laziness, apathy, drugs, going through a lot (the loss of his father etc).

Good luck & keep trying different avenues to reach him.

15 year old boys are often angry. Your son has more to be angry about than the average boy. Much of this is normal. Teenage boys are selfish slobs. Your daughter is still young...... she may surprise you when some of the sweetness leaves her during the teen years too. But with your boy....... it's hard for a boy that doesn't have a Dad. Is there someone else in his life that can step in? A grandpa or uncle? If not, then I would try to sign him up in a club where there is a man coach or something. Does your boy have any friends?

You may want to have your son evaluated by a therapist and/or for learning differences. Many off the charts "smart" kids do well in elementary school and then begin to fail in middle school or junior high. They usually have learning differences or ADD.

Seek help. Talk to a counselor that specializes in teens and get some guidance.

Try not to get your feelings hurt. I know it is hard, but your boy feels gross and unhappy. Much of this could be the nature of the teen beast, but considering your loss I would guess your boy has extra trouble and maybe even some depression. It really isn't you he is mad at. It's the lack of control over his own life.

Avoid anger. Yes, sometimes it's hard to like our own children when they are going through tough stuff. That is normal, but engaging into arguments won't do anything but further meteorite the relationship.

See a counselor and get some parenting tips. Maybe a family counselor.
Hang in there. Help your boy get through this tough time.

I hate to tell you this but I kind of doubt a 15 year old boy would want to be seen at Disneyland with his 11 year old sister and mother. I would let him have some say in the matter. Ask him to come, but if he doesn't want to let him stay at a friends house, or let him bring a friend. I think if you drag him somewhere he doesn't want to go you could be asking for a disappointing trip.

I would probably start with taking some of the electronics out of the room. If he doesn't have them in there it will be much more difficult to lock himself in with them all day. I was having so me issue with my 14 yr old son regarding respect, clean room, etc., and what I tried that has worked out well for us is this: we basically trade what I want for what he wants: clean room = free tv time, 15 min of violin practice= 1 hr of video game time, cooking dinner for the family=7 vidoe game hours for the upcoming weekend. You just have to figure out what is important to each of you and figure out how to make it into a trade.

This was suggested by my counselor based on the fact that we live in a reward based society...I don't go to work because I'll get into trouble if I don't go, I go because I get the 'reward' of being paid.

You need to get him counseling right now, as well as for yourself. His hormones are blaring and he is missing his dad something fierce.

I did not allow my kids to take food to their bedrooms. If they wanted to eat, it was in the kitchen. I did let them take stuff to the gameroom but when the plates didn't come down that was taken away. I do not like bugs!!!!! We also did not let our kids have TVs or computers in their rooms. We had the gameroom set up for them with the computer, x-box, wii, tv etc.....

I remember 15 with my son and quite frankly I'm surprised he survived. People say boys are easier but that was not our case. He was very demanding, slow to forgive and quick to point a finger at you if you did wrong. Temper was huge. Had he been our first child, he would have been the ONLY child!!!

You need the counseling to help learn how to related to him as a growing young man. You are right, he's not your little boy any more. You have a young man who just might be pissed more now because dad isn't there. He may have questions that he is not comfortable asking you. Also, PLEASE do not compare him to your other child, I know that is easy to do, been there, done that but don't. Good luck! This is going to be a rocky ride.

Dad on Purpuse's answer was very good. Men know boys.

The TV is out of the room. The computer is out of the room. No TV weekdays during school. He earns TV or video time by cooperating.

He must get grief counseling and definitely needs mentoring and a sport to play.

If push comes to shove, doors get removed from hinges and vanish until he can behave like a supportive part of a family.

Honestly these things do come with the territory and while your daughter may not be displaying her grieve outwardly she may have even deeper things going on inside. Please get both of the kids some counseling and while your at it don't forget yourself. You would be very surprised what you could learn from this exercise in getting in touch with emotions.

I'll keep you all in my prayers.

Has he gotten any counseling? I ask this because my MIL, who lost her mother when she was 18, STILL suffers from grief about it. So saying "my daughter doesn't act like this" basically kinda discounts any grief he's been feeling. You all need counseling, honestly. The loss that hit your family was a big one, and if it wasn't truely dealt with, none of this is a surprise. Puberty sucks already, puberty when your father - your only male role model - is dead sucks large.

Also contact Big Brothers/Big Sisters - he may be acting like a complete jerkoff, but he also needs help in addition to discipline.

I have a newly minted 16 year old. So, been there, doing that.

First, everyone is right - take the electronics out of his room. Barring that, go in and set time controls on the computer so he literally cannot use it during certain hours. I do this during the school year so the thing turns itself off a 9:30pm.

Take the X-Box and put it in the family room so you have control over it. Lock the controllers up when you do not want him to use it. I have been known to take game controllers with me when I go to work.

Make a chore list - for everyone in the house - yourself included. With mine, I found that having chores divided and my name being on the list also made a huge difference. He literally saw, in writing, how much I do. Oh, I put things like "go to work", "pay bills" on my list also.

Set up a series of rewards and consequences for inapropriate behavior. Engage him in this process - he may want one big reward for long term good behavior instead of a series of little rewards - do not use cash as an incentive. I use computer time, phone privileges, etc - and an occasional movie out. Oh, and McDonald's still works for my son. LOL

You have to engage him at a time when you are not struggling over something else. Driving to the grocery store, watching TV, and come from a place of love. You need to help him to understand that your, him, and your daughter are a unit and that, together, you three can do anything. You need to teach him that he is a contributing member of the family - this is the path to manhood.

You need to stick to your guns, make the rules, and be the enforcer - no damn fun, I know. I have been doing it for 16 years.

I would encourage family therapy. My son and I have done that when things got particularly rough between us a few years ago. It made a huge difference - maybe more so for me to understand him and develop techniques that worked with him.

Also, grief therapy is most likely needed. I lost my mother when I was 13 - counseling helped see me through it - so I may be biased on the therapy thing a bit. :)

At this age our teen boys are tottering on the cusp of childhood and manhood. While they want us, the Moms, they also feel the innate need to separate from us. This results in their pushing us away, verbally, and through actions. How we respond will help them navigate through this.

Good Luck

has he been to grief counseling? It sounds like he has not dealt with his father's death. It sounds like all of you need counseling.

He needs to learn to be more social and not sit in his room all day playing games and watching TV. You need to get him out of his room into counseling and become more social.

Hi, L.:

It is not normal for a teenager or any age child to be disrespectful to anyone no matter what are they are.

We have public and private duties as American citizens. Here are a few:
1. The duty of children is to honor and obey their parents and elders.
2. The duties of parents and elders to protect, teach, feed, clothe, and provide shelter for children.
3. The duty to support law and order and keep the peace.
4. The duty to support personal and public standards of common decency.
5. The duty to follow rules of moral rectitude.

Do not ignore bad behavior, that doesn't stop it, it teaches behaviors to continue.

Delay your trip until your home life changes and become peaceful. Focus on learning and teaching life skills to your family, not focusing your attention on pleasing your children.

Gather the family together and create rules or expectations that are necessary to run the home.

Next come up with some consequences for failures to complete expectations.

When consequences need to be exercised, gather the family together and mediate the issues by:

Asking these questions to the offender:
1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Next, you and the one harmed by the other's behavior will answer these questions:

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Learning to apologize is another tool for good relationship building.

Script:

_______________, may I apologize?
Person offended

yes or no

_____________, may I apologize for_____________.
person offended Name the offense

Do you accept my apology?

yes or no

Offender says: Do you need anything?

Victim says: I need_____________________.

Offender accepts or rejects suggestion.

The agreement is sealed with a handshake or hug.

Hope this helps.
Good luck.
D.

www.iirp.edu

Take everything out of the room except the dresser, mattress and a waist basket-start there, see what happens.

tv gone x box too all electronics out of the room. he is old enough to understand that his behavior is unacceptable and MOM you need to change your perspective you cant ignore it and hope it goes away it feels as if none of you are dealing with the loss of the father in a healthy wya. your son is consuming himself with material objects and not facing reality and you seem to shut out the world. Our daughter may infact not be dealing with it as well as you think. you just may not notice the diference in her bc your checking out to much. you need to take the steer by the horns and become the active parent. or IT WILL GET WORSE. it doesnt have to be a fight. YES HE WILL BE UPSET BUT that is wonderful that is a perfectly healthy emotion and you need to acknowledge that emotion. Tell him you are tired of him not listening to you and YOU know YOU need to work on the same problem. Kids always feel lik parents are constantly picking on them and its always there fault and they act out. ITs a two way street momma and hwe didnt walk it alone. own up to your own faults show him and tell him that you make mistakes too and you want to work on them just the same find some common ground and work up from there. make it a together achievement not a he changes or else. problems only get worse when people feel threatened and alone and that seems to be what is going on. tell him his grades are unacceptable BUT also get to the root of the slacking off. work with him not against him and INCLUDE the daughter.

Boys and girls are entirely different from each other. I wouldn't necessarily blame your son's on his father's tragic death other than having a strong male role model to help enforce rules and a sense of right and wrong. I wasn't sure what behavioral modification, ie consequences you may have put in place for your sons negative behavior and how you may be currently rewarding positive behavior. Sometimes as parents the guilt we feel as parents over something we can't give our children -- his father or enough of your time, can translate into a fear to discipline because we don't want them to hurt anymore than they are. The opposite is actually true though when children feel that you the parent are in control of the situation and they know what will happen if they do something wrong it actually makes them feel more safe and secure in their lives. You can consult a behavioral therapist but a good place to start would be meeting together as a family once a week at a designated time to discuss family business: rules of your home, agreed upon consequences for breaking these. Discuss family goals for the week and agreed upon rewards for meeting these goals. Write down rules and consequences, write down goals and rewards display in a prominent place perhaps along with the family calendar on the fridge. Ideas for punishments could include loss of privileges ie tv, games or could include extra chores or writing an essay of specific length about incorrect behavior and their feelings about it. Rewards could include: allowance, special outing ie time with mom that has been agreed upon. After your official family business has been discussed play a board game together and for all who participate serve a special treat or dessert.
Good luck, parenting is never easy just remember that the person he is, isn't the person he'll be, he's not done growing yet.

I would pick your battles. If he wants to sleep next to.a pile of garbage, more power to him. The school thing is another story. I would take his computer and games until his grades improve. Everyday he needs to do his homework and studying before electronics time. Ive always heard the computer should be in a common area of the house so.you can monitor what they are doing anyway. GL!

Is he in therapy or counseling? He sounds like he has some issues and is not willing to share them with you. He needs a place, person he can be totally honest with.

Yes, this can be typical behaviors, but could be a sign of extreme depression also.

Just like when he was a toddler and throwing tantrums, you will need to be very strong and MAKE him follow the rules of behaviors in your home.

Decide what the consequences are going to be from now on.. and then sit him down and let him know, you are not kidding about this. You know he can behave and act his age. And so if he wants the privileges he now enjoys, he will have to change his attitude and behaviors.

Here are some suggestions.
NO eating or drinking in his room anymore. The reason? He does not properly dispose of the remains. Could he get this privilege back? Yes, if he can for a week keep his room clean of garbage. Can it be taken away? Yes, the moment the trash begins to appear.. another week without food and drink in his room.

Back talking, take the video games/TV away.. and I mean put them in the trunk of your car and ask a friend to hold them for you.

Can he get this privilege back? Yes, When he can go a week without talking back. Stomping around etc. Can he get them back.. Yes if for the week he can be respectful in his tone and behaviors.

He may also need his bedroom door removed. If he cannot behave his age, he may need to be watched all of the time.

The failing school. Are you working with his teachers and administration on this? Is it that he is actually failing the tests or failing to do his homework or all of it?

What is the plan? Is he in summer school? Does he have a tutor? Is there an after school program or can he take a supervised study hall?

I know this is very difficult for you to have to do all of this yourself.

You will need to be on the ball all of the time. Your son is sending out signals he needs help, he wants your attention and he does not even realize this.

Give him actual responsibilities.
Mow the yard, take out the trash, clean his own bathroom, help you with planning meals. Have him help you work on the household finances and help with the budget.

He can do this. He needs to know the truth about what you are all dealing with.. He is trying to be an adult, but he is actually just acting like a little boy. He is frightened, confused and probably exhausted from the depression.

That IS normal behavior for a teenager, especially one who lost a parent. You need to punish him. Take his computer away and talk to his teachers. A friend of mine had a son like that and she locked him out of his room.