11-Year-old "Friends" with a 13-Year-old

My mom used to tell me she could not pick my friends, but that she could let me know what acceptable behavior is. My mom would let me know if she did not like the way I acted around some friends and I would get in trouble for treating others badly or having attitude. Eventuall those friends were not as appealing as they were at first.

I would say you should trust your instincts. If you feel there is a bad influence happening, you can limit the time your stepdaughter texts while she is with you (or make it off limits altogether if need be), and you can also communicate your concerns to her mother. I would try to meet the girl in person, and also encourage your stepdaughter to expand her circle of friends so she isn't spending time exclusively with the girl you're concerned about. If possible, talk about your concerns with your stepdaughter - if there are valid issues, your verbalizing them might hit home, if you can do it in a way that is non-threatening to her. If she is behaving in ways that are not acceptable, you need to set limits and let her know certain things won't be tolerated in your home.
I would suggest getting some of the Love & Logic books to help with this too.
Good luck.

You're sort of stuck on this one unless the Dad steps in.

You can't make her stop with the texting, but you CAN point out kindler and gentler ways of dealing with the girl whom she's rude to. Get the Dad to agree to dramatically limit t.v. time -- try to get rid of all those shows with teens & pre-teens. They are appallingly rude to each other, and that's how our children acquire that attitude, by seeing it on tv, imitating it, and hanging around with other kids who also get it from tv.

Good luck!

S.,
There is a HUGE difference in maturity levels between middle school and elementary school. Having said that I recommend having the older girl over and get to know her. Try to talk to your step daughter and find out what specific things she thinks they have in common. It is not totally out of the question that they do have a lot in common. (Possibly the fact that both of the girls have divorced parents) Maybe she is just looking for an "older sister" type person, that she can talk to. The attitude... welcome to pre-teen life. Also I would talk to her (in a non-threatening way) about her treatment of her friend... maybe putting it in the context of how she would feel if this new friend started treating her the way she is treating her old friend!
THis is tough, I have been there with a Middle School student (my dd is currently in 8th grade)
S.

I have an 11 year old daughter and all of her best friends are older. In fact, two of her girlfriends are 15. My daughter has always been very mature for her age and her friends in general have always been older than her. We have a very open communication and I trust her in general to behave well. Having said that though, I always monitor her activities. She only does to sleepovers with a couple of the older girls because I am very good friends with those moms and we have similar values and morals. They like to go to the mall or shopping together when that happens I stay at the mall. I don't drop them off and then come back and pick them up. I am not naive and know that they are teenagers and that they are going to make some stupid or bad decisions.

On the other hand my other daughter (10) has always been friends with kids younger than her, she is not as mature for her age. She feels she fits in better with the younger ones because she just wants to play and not deal with tween cattyness.
Hope this helps, get to know the girls before you make a decision.
tam

Well I don't have teenagers but I tend to differ in opinion. I think that after age 18 two years isn't that big of a difference. But in elementary, middle, and high school two years is a HUGE difference. Because they are changing so fast. Just think about it a girl who is only in say 5th or 6th grade is hanging out with a teenager in JR. High. I think her friend needs to find new friends her age. I also think that is a warning sign if you have never even met this girl. I think you need to meet this friend. Where did your daughter meet this girl? There is just too much you don't know about this friend, what's her family like? Does she smoke, do drugs? I had friends in Jr. High who were just starting to experiment so knowing who your kids friends are is very important.

S., I don't have teens or pre-teens of my own, but I have worked as a substitute teacher in both elementary and middle schools this year. From my own memories and what I have seen recently, there is a HUGE difference between 5/6th grade and middle school. Middle school girls can be very mean, and do seem to have a lot of attitude; it's a time for finding out who they are and what kind of attention they want to be getting. Upper elementary school kids are usually more mellow, and while still trying to establish their own identity, they are usually more impressionable. That said, of course not all kids (girls or boys) are like this, and older kids can be great examples for younger. I would agree with the other moms who say to monitor the situation as closely as you can, and keep communication open with your daughter; get to know the other girl if you can, and I would also add that kids are very observant and your daughter will notice if you and your husband are not united on a decision, so be sure you present a united front to her whatever your feelings or decision. Good luck, these are hard years but can be so much fun!

I highly, highly recommend the book "Hold On To Your Kids" by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. He's a family counselor and talks about the common but dangerous phenomenon of "peer orientation," when children/teens surrender all their attachments to their peers and become indifferent to the healthy adult role models in their lives. It talks about how to recognize when this is happening and how to reclaim your child before risky behavior starts. It's in paperback and I think it fits your situation disturbingly well.
Of course you need to treat carefully since you're in a step-parent situation.
I agree with you that two years is a big difference at this age. Since limiting this friendship specifically will only make it all the more appealing, consider making sure your stepdaughter is extra busy with fun, age-appropriate activities that help her develop her talents and interests beyond texting. Inviting this new friend over and getting to know her at a family dinner or other event could take away some of the mystique and make it so your stepdaughter is not exchanging her attachment to the family for attachment to her new friend, and also so the frindship is filtered through you and your husband a bit more.
I may be old-fashioned, but I think endless, unlimited texting is too much unfiltered contact with the world for an 11 year old. Consider creating some rules that don't feel overly restrictive, if your husband can support it.
Setting a good example about friendships with your own friends is always important and talking about how to know when your friends are real and when they are manipulative could be useful, if she's willing to hear it.
My mom always told me "You don't have to be best friends with everyone, but you can't be unkind."
Good luck. And consider reading that book. ;)

The harder you dig your heels in and push her into not being this girls friend the harder she will prove she is. Communication is the key. Eleven years old in this day and age is years beyond what it was 27 years ago when I was eleven. Sit her down and let her know you love her but these are your concerns. Give her time to respond with her take on the situation. Try and come to a conclusion of what everyone could do to ease the situation. Maybe she could invite the girl over for dinner one night and games. It would be the perfect opportunity to get to know her.

When I was growing up, I was in a sport that had a WIDE age range. We were all friends despite the age differences. I did notice that because of this, some of the girls thought that they were better than their original friends.
First, I would not check her texts. If her father decides that he wants to, that is his decision, but at this age you really don't want to give her any reason to not trust you, especially as the step-mother.
Second, Hopefully you have a good enough relationship to sit down with her and talk about her friends. Ask how they are doing, mention that you notice how she is treating them, and ask her why she is doing that, and how she thinks that makes them feel. Let her know that treating people this way isn't right, or acceptable. Don't be judgmental and don't punish for past behavior, but do let her know that there are consequences for treating people badly, whether it is a sibling, friends, or you and her dad.
Third, During your talk about her friends, encourage her to have phone conversations with her friend. It will allow her to see this girl's try attitude and see if they can maintain a real conversation. They may have nothing to talk about. It is easier over text to have a "persona" that doesn't reflect who you really are. Also, suggest that she invite the girl over for dinner, or to play, so that you can see first hand what she is like. Your daughter may just be acting this way because she "has and older, more mature friend".
Fourth, Start over with your opinion of this girl. Leave all your preconceptions behind and give her a chance. Your daughter may or may not be reflecting this girl's attitude. If you seem to have something against her, your daughter will definitely feel that and cling tighter.

That is just my thoughts, thinking back to this age.

I dealt with this first hand! When I was in 7th grade I ended up becoming friends with the 8th grade girls. The girls my own age and girls that I considered friends for years blew me off because I had a different teacher. This was a California school in which you didn't change classes each period. You just had one single teacher all day. I never saw my old friends until lunch time or after school and they wanted nothing to do with me.
So I had to find new friends... and it ended up being older girls. The "cool" girls!

I have to say looking back on it, it was horrid for me. However at the time I thought it was great and felt all special and did all these grown up things (so I thought) but in reality it put me into a world I was not prepared for. I went to parties with drinking, boys (sex), drugs ect...
I knew the whole time it wasn't right and so wasn't me, but I wanted to fit in and I thought these girls were SO cool. Of course when the year ended and all my new friends went on to high school I was forced to make friends again with my old friends and that was hard. But I was forever a different person. I was a pretty naive girl and saw and did things that I hope my young daughter will wait until she is much older to experience.

While I don't think older kids are bad as a whole, it is something to be concerned about that they are friends on any level. At that age, unlike when we are adults, there are major differences in who we are and what we think. They base things off peer pressure and the desire to be liked, more than common sense and doing what is right. For some reason at that age doing things we know we shouldn't seems so appealing and that urge is hard to fight!

I am not sure how you can control things and I hope you get some good advice from other moms, but coming from someone who lived this, I would say you are right to be concerned.
I wish you luck in this struggle. But I wouldn't just ignore it. While I made it through it all with only minor emotional scars, not every kid is so lucky. I had a good family that snapped me into shape and I went on to live a life completely opposite from that all. In a way that bad time was good for me in the long run, but had my family not been there, I am not sure I could say that today.

I think it depends on the kids. I don't have girls, but I've raised two boys, now 16 and 20. The issues we dealt with at 13 were waaaay different than the issues we dealt with at 11. Maybe you need to get to know the girl to see. Especially since your daughter's attitude has changed. Who wants a 13 yo attitude two years longer than necessary. LOL

For a brief period of time, my oldest had a friend that was 2-3 years older than him. They were never together except at day care and when I was around, but years later I found out about some inappropriate things that I wish I would have known about at the time.

Besides, you have a gut feeling. I say always follow your insticts when it comes to your kids.

V.

My sons are 2 years apart and they are in a k-8 school and the 6,7, and 8 grades are together and some of the students who are advanced are in classes with the upper grades. They have friends in all grades (11-14 year olds). They all get along and I have never had a problem with my 12 year old being friends with 13 or 14 year olds (his brother will be 14 in May). If this girl has a questionable reason for being friends or is going to be a bad influence then that is when I would be worried. The same is true for my boys and their friends.
I also have a 6 year old girl so I have to remind them to watch what they are doing as it might not be age appropriate for their little sister when they are at school but that is the only problem that I have had with friends being older.
Always rememeber that maturity is not always the same. Your 11 year old may be more mature and is realting to someone who is 13 better than her 11 year old friends.
Just my thoughts. Hope it helps. M.

So where did they meet? School?
So why not invite the girl over, get to know her.
I do know there is a difference in being 11 and 13 though.
To me the excessive texting with preteens and teens is the parents fault and ridiculous. Not only pricey but just keeps them from actually having to have real conversations and who knows what they text back and forth. Grades drop they become almost addicted and it is up to the parents to keep a cap on that one! Kids that are 11 do not need cellphones!! NUTS!

You have the right to put a handle on how much and who she texts when she is with you. These kids that bring the phones to the table, in public and never have to socialize the right way is nuts! It is the parents to blame though. Being protective is never a bad thing.
Your husband however needs to set the boundaries. While at your house she is to participate in the family, do her homework, limited time on texting and the computer and be consistent. You cannot control what she does at her mom's house.

You can drive her to being angry/rebellious by approaching incorrectly however and it is dangerous territory and should be handled by your husband.
I suggest you have her invite the girl over for dinner, see how she acts and what they could have in common. Maybe create a "girls day out" taking them both to get their nails done or something.
Talking to your stepdaughter and keeping the lines of communication open are very important, letting her know that you love her and your job is to keep her safe and to help her develop her friendships and relationships as she grows.
Good luck. I know at that age I never thought any grown up understood me. Having an older girl pay attention and talk to me would have been heaven, but you owe it to your step daughter to know who this girl is...that you have to do. Get to know the parents, find out more about her....

S.,
Your kind of in a sticky situation. For now I think it would be best to monitor the situation before you come to any judgement on the 13 year old, like your husband thinks. I agree there is definatly a big difference between 11 and 13, elementary and middle school. But you don't want to make a big deal out of it yet, especially if you don't want the whole "Your not my mom!" thing thrown in your face, believe me it would only get worse from there. And believe me once she hits her teens you'll want to choose your battles wisely and this right now is not one yet. If you are truly concerned, you could always check her text messages, at night when everyone is asleep, hopefully she don't delete them right away. Then you can see what they are talking about. If it's something you think your husband should be concerned about then first bring it up with him, and explain that you only looked because you were growing concerned with the attitude changes. And that you think it might be a good idea to meet this 13 year old. Then after that, if your still concerned, you both may want to sit down and talk to your daughter, calmly of course, because if either of you yell or raise your voice, she will of course pull away from you both more, and I know you don't want that. Girl pre-teens / teens have a tendency to be very dramatic, and think they know it all. Boys too, girls just add in the drama. Just take it slow and simple and don't over react just yet. And Good luck.
E.

Your feedback says that there is a huge difference but I think you need to step back and look at the situation. My 13 year old is great friends with many 15 and 16 year olds. They are all in the same grade. Mine started when he was 4 and some others were held back to start until they were 6 or 7. He is a bit immature but they usually let him know in a kind teenage way. If you think about this as adults, how many of your friends are the same age? If she is being appropriate then what is the problem? If she is not being appropriate then I would say something to her about her actions. If you don't even know the other girl it's very hard to say anything about that girl's actions and she might just be a wonderful friend in the end.

My only advise is maybe talk to her about the texting. She needs to have a relationship with someone verbally. Texting is fun but not the best way to start a "best friend" relationship. It will teach her bad habits now so when she is a functioning adult, you dont want her to only have Facebook/My Space friends!!

I think you need to actively manage the whole cell phone thing for a variety of reasons:
1. Since they don't really have a personal relationship, it is more likely to turn into a cyberbullying type relationship.
2. I remember when I was a pre-teen/teen and only wanted to be friends with kids my age or older. When the 13 year old hits that point, it is going to be heartbreak for your daughter.
3. You are seeing resulting attitude. Granted, attitude can be expected to a degree but poor treatment of friends should not be accepted.
4. Teachers are telling me that kids will often sit in the same room and text each other and not talk. It is creating a generation that cannot communicate face to face and their writing skills are going way down.
5. Kids are hiding their phones and texting during class. Grades are plummeting.
6. The average teen uses their cell phone 4 hours a day. Many people tell me their kid sends thousands of text messages a month.
7. Health reasons. There are about 10 countries that have issued advisories saying children and pregnant women should not use cell phones except in emergencies. France has even prohibited companies from marketing cell phones to children. There is a growing body of evidence of damage at a cellular, hormonal and blood brain barrier level. A 2 minute call interfers with the brain activity for up to 1 hour. Watch this news clip together cbc.ca/marketplace/2009/generation_cellphone/main.html . It might change her mind about using the cell phone as the sole tool for friendship. More info and links to news stories and research are available on livinghealthiernow.com. There is a patented technology that can be put on the cell phone and other electropollution emiting devices (TVs, cordless phones, microwaves, computers, monitors, WiFi routers and more). Do your research. Granted, you care not going to pry any cell phone out of your kid's hands, but there are technologies, tips and info to make the use of these necessary devices safer.
Email me with any questions. Hopefully, that will give you some good ammunition. I'm passionate about educating people on this. What we can't see can hurt us.
Take care,
S.

I don't think the age is a big thing.my situation was always flipflopped. I always had best friends at least two years younger than me just because I felt more comfortable around that age group. In fact, in church classes I always went with the younger group also. This was my whole growing up years, and I turned out just fine :). However, each person in and of themselves is different, and if this girl is not a good influence on yours that is a completly different matter.hopefully you will be able to maybe meet this girl and see what is really going on here.

Hi S.,

I would be extremely worried as you are. Two years is a huge difference at this age. I would check her phone(read text msgs), emails, and if either girl has a myspace or facebook I would check that too. Make sure this other girl is not bad news. If the girl is young for her age; I wouldn't worry AS much. My son is 13 and is immature for his age (which I like!) he still plays with legos, bionicles. He has no interest in girls, texting, or other teen stuff...YET. If I had an 11 yr. old, I would be ok with him hanging with my son, just because he's so young for his age.

For the record, I was a BAD kid, and it started with hanging out with the older kids. I learned way too much way too fast. I drank at 14 (I am so appalled and embarrassed by this now)and tried drugs at 15. All my friends were at least 2 years older than me.

I would also try to get her involved in some volunteering. I have heard it reduces risky behavior by almost 75%, maybe it would be a good bonding opportunity for you two. Volunteer at the humane society together, or at a program like meals on wheels.

Good luck! Being a mom is hard stuff, sounds like you are doing a great job. :)