11 Year Old Boy "Dating"

Hi C.,
He sounds pretty grown up for an 11 year old boy. Even though he likes girls he is not allowed to touch anywhere inappropriate at that age. I would let him go out with girls but only if others who are sensible are there. Let him know that anywhere under the clothing is out of bounds, but he can be friends.

My experience with my two boys (one grown, one in college) is that at the age of your son "going out" is more of a status thing at school than actually going anywhere. Both of my boys were "going out" with girls at different times, but it didn't involve anything other than phone calls (monitored by us) and talking at school until they were in high school. There is absolutely no need for alone time or unsupervised communication at this age!!!

One suggestion is that you have your husband have a man-to-man talk with him about getting ready to be a good husband by learning how to treat a girl. He can even tell him he is teaching him what he needs to know for when it's time to date: holding your chair at dinnertime, helping you on with you coat, holding the door open for you and other women, grooming, hygine, safty issues, etc. It's never too early to learn to be a gentleman. Also, it's time to communicate with him what your beliefs are about sex. Our beliefs are that sex is only appropriate in marriage, and we were clear with our boys about that. Communication is key here. No shame, just wanting to have what is beautiful when it is time.

Check out Lookadoo.com and see what you think of Justin Lookadoo's website and books. He had some things to say that really effected one of my boys. One of the things he said that I remember is that "we don't open the doors for women because they are women, we open doors for women because we are gentlemen." He also talked openly about the issues with sex and dating, etc. It has been several years now, so I don't recall what is age-appropriate for your son, but it seems like his talks and book/books were insightful.

One other thing I remember from this age is that while they boys feel all grown up and manly, they still need their mommy. They may not know it, but they do. I wish you well.

We never allowed our son or two girls to get involved in these kinds of adolescent going together kind of things and they were so glad when they were older.
Explain to him that dating is for picking the person that he is going to ultimately marry and that at 11 he is no where near ready for that and that he needs to chill out and be friends with girls and boys and learn to make those kinds of relationships first.
Get him involved in sports and church and other activities that are healthier and where he can interact with members of both sexes without the weird pressure of going out.
Believe me not everyone is doing it. That won't be the last time you hear that one you have to learn to nip that one in the bud.
Tell him that all the really smart beautiful girls are going to be in college and he does not want to be already tied down to somebody since he was 11 when he gets there.
They need you to help them make long term goals and you need to help him aim higher than just hooking up with girls.
If his friends are doing that then he may need to find a wider more diverse group to hang with.

Encourage him to be friends with girls. 11 yo is too young to be dating and regardless of what he has told you - not everyone is doing it.

Lots of kids hang out together - they meet at the mall, the movies, a restaurant - but parents should always be involved and in sight.

Kids grow up fast enough - there is nothing wrong with letting them be kids for as long as possible. What did your parents allow you to do at 11?

C.,

This cracks me up! I have a friend who has 2 daughters that are just about my sons ages. She would tell me since they were in 6th grade that someone was "going out" with someone. I would ask "What do you mean by going out?", because who goes out at that age? And where do they go? They can only get somewhere if a parent takes them! She explained it's just what they say. My son who just turned 12 said he had 3 "girlfriends" last year. He thinks he's "Mr. Cool" and I never heard a girl call the house for him or heard him call a girl. I would ask your son what he means by "going out". I personally am not going to let my son go on a "date" until he's going to high school. He can meet a group of frineds at the movies that include girls, but not a one on one thing. Call it overprotective, but I remember having a friend who got pregnant at 14. I was so naive that I couldn't imagine doing anything like that. Needless to say, my mom decided I wasn't going to be friends with this girl any longer. Hope this helps.

Blessings,
C.

Truthfully, I doubt if "everyone" is going out with someone. Kids your sons age think that one to three people means "everyone". My guess is that your son would be secretly relieved if you put the brakes on any sort of "dating" at this time. He has a lifetime to date and just a short time left to be young.

Have you talked with your husband about what his vision is in this area? I just went to a conference this weekend that talked about preparing our sons to eventually be husbands, and helping our daughters look for qualities in men (eventually) that show they'll be good husbands (I know radical for our day and age!)

www.crossway.org look for Voddie Baucham Jr's book called, What He Must Be...if he wants to marry my daughter....

I know you are just asking a question about dating, but at the age of 11 its a good time for parents, especially dad to encourage their boys to spend the time preparing for one of the most exciting times of life...and in my opinion that's not by dating, even though the interest may be there...letting your son know that this is a really special part of life and that girls his age may be trying to get his attention, (or he may start to be distracted by them) If he takes this time of life to begin developing his own character, one day the best will come.

Dating is relatively a new concept historically, and used to mean going and doing something fun...the goal was self-gratification. There's nothing wrong with taking a group of kids out for an ice cream. But its not fair to either a boy or girl to create a situation where they feel they need to date to grow up.

Courting used to be what was done and involved the parents helping the child chose a mate when they were ready...I am not saying choosing it for them! I believe that we can help our children to spend this time developing character traits that will help them when it is time for this.

Again, all this would come better from Dad to son...part of that becoming man thing. Please check out the info above...my husband found it helpful.

This is long-winded, but it gives the view point of talking to a son AND to a daughter, and about discussing different topics. It may be over-the-top for some, so my appologies an advance.

My husband and I are also open with our daughter and son, age appropriately. Our daughter knows all of the science of reproduction (yes, she's watched animals on farms mate). Our 6 yr old son knows how boys & girls have different body parts and their proper names, about privacy of each person's body and that it takes a Mommy and Daddy getting married before they're allowed to have a baby. We only answer the questions they ask and he's not interested right now. He has a "girlfriend" from Kinder last year. They both decided that they "love" each other. I know her Mom and we've talked about it. We've both told our kids: NO kissing, period! NO hugging, except after school when one of us Moms is there.

I have told our kids about being true to the other person. I'll tell my conversation with just my son since using "he/she told his/her girlfriend/boyfriend" gets real old, real fast and with him the conversation was simpler. I told him that since they have discussed and AGREED that they are a "couple", that a person can only have ONE girlfriend or boyfriend at a time. He cannot be anybody else's boyfriend while he is her boyfriend. If he wants to have a different girlfriend, he has to tell the one he has that he doesn't want to be her boyfriend anymore BEFORE he asks another girl to be his girlfriend. I told my daughter that she needs to follow this rule, as well, that it is not just the boys who have to be true. Also, that they can break up with someone if the other person is not true in return.

Our son has mentioned that he wants to have babies with his girlfriend when they grow up. I explained that they BOTH need to graduate high school first and that IF they still love each other at that time, THEN they can get married and THEN they can have babies.

My daughter will be 10 next month. This past school year (3rd grade), she and a boy she has been in class with since Kinder decided that they "liked" each other. On Valentine's she brought home the $1 Store flowers, heart ornament and teddybear keychain he gave her. It was really cute. I asked if she liked him back the same way. She said yes. I asked if it was because she felt she HAD to since he gave her the gifts or did she like him BEFORE he gave her the gifts? She said, "no, we talked about it last week." I asked her if they were boyfriend/girlfriend. She said yes. Had they kissed? "Eeewww, no, gross!" So far, so good. I explained that since I knew who he was AND his parents it was okay. They could hold hands SOMETIMES, however, there was to be NO KISSING. She said okay. I explained that I asked her those questions so that in the future she would know that she does NOT have to like someone or do anything she doesn't want to just because that person gives her something.

I know it sounds young to teach them that, but I feel that learning now to "be true" and "waiting" will save them some heartache later and help them to be better spouses (and maybe help with "the Talk" later as well). I can't stand hearing people say: "it's not an issue - my daughter can't date until she's 30, but my boy can have as many girlfriends at one time as he wants and he can start dating and doing "what he wants" with girls when he gets interested in girls - that's My Boy! What a Stud!" Hello! Who's daughter is he going to be dating at 11? Someone's 10 yr old daughter! So, my son and daughter are going to learn respect for themselves and others NOW.

No real dating until 16 for my daughter OR my son. They can hang out at school, and maybe the other child can go on outings with us as a family activity. I've agreed to discuss kissing at a later date, but NONE for now, and sex would be best saved for marriage, if possible. I was 17 and CHOSE not to wait for marriage (I haven't told her THAT yet), so I know it can be difficult to resist. We'll have the birth control/protection talk when that seems appropriate. My daughter asks questions earlier than most people feel she should, but it's hard to shield her when things are all over the commercials now AND she thinks AGES above most kids her age (her Gifted/Talented Teacher says that's normal for G/T kids and she'll always be ahead in things like that intellectually even though WE'RE not ready). She knows what the word condom is, but not exactly what the item is or is used for. She figured out the Viagra and the "makes men bigger" drug commercials (can't remember the name) all by herself! Ugh! If I feel the answers to a question are too old for her, she accepts when I tell her, "Sweety, MOM's not ready to answer that one, let me think about how I need to talk that one over with you." We have always been open with our kids about our bodies, that waiting until marriage for sex is best, that NO ONE has any right to make them do anything they don't want to and that they can talk to us about ANYTHING.

I hope some of this helps. We're in for a wild ride :)

You can't control what interests him or when, but you can control some of his activities. Get to know his friends and which girls interest him, and be careful to monitor any activities that include those girls. You and your husband (especially your husband, at this point) should continue to teach him how to treat people, girls in particular...how to respond to any advances, whether or not they are sexually overt. Help him to avoid getting too close to any one girl by limiting their contact and encouraging multiple girl friends.

Be sure to keep open the lines of communication between you. Try not to overreact in his presence to some of the things that he might tell you or that you might overhear because overreacting will teach him what to keep quiet about.

Good luck to you! You're entering a most awkward period.

be aware that jr high kids are having sex at school!!! teach your kid right from wrong and send them out to the world and know your kid is a good one.

C.,

I agree with what Kristi said below, but I want to add one thing. My parents talked about sex and waiting and abstaining and such and I took that all in and waited. It was a lot of pressure and without the support from parents and church I probably would have caved, so if that is your outlook, just make sure that you are ready to be there for him when everyone else isn't. I have to tell you though that where I went to high school in Pennsylvania we had several pregnant 12 year olds, so at 11 you may really want to be getting into the sex talks.

Good luck,
R.

I believe the purpose of dating is to learn about the opposite sex and learn how to get along with them. Then as people get serious with one particular person, they are looking for a possible marriage partner.
(I do not agree that the sole purpose of dating is to find a mate.)

Our boys cannot go out on group dates (several boys and several girls) until age 14. Until 14, they can talk to them at school or during sports or hang out together. But we have said 14 for a planned "date." And we must meet the girl, too.
Hidden, unseen girl means "no go."

Remember the the term "going steady"? That cracks my kids up because they call it "going out" now. As a mom of a 13 year old daughter I hope and pray that my daughter chooses a boyfriend that has strict parents. It will make my life a lot less stressful. I think kids will grow up fast enough and do not encourage nor allow my daughter to go anywhere with a boy as group or alone unless it is a school dance or parent supervised birthday party. I make sure the parents will be watching closely. I will allow her to be involved in church activities with boys when we find a church.

You might want to talk to the counselors at school to see what "going out" is there. In one school it meant just that the couple were known as a couple and they talked at their lockers. They didn't go anywhere.
At another school, one of the girls was known at 12 to sit on the boys lap and kiss him passionately on the school bus. He denied they were "going out".
I would discourage "going out" but lightly. "You can date when you are 25 and not one day before!" I have seen a lot of mothers live through their daughters' popularity and with mom's encouragement, the girl is in way over her head too soon. Be clear on your expectations and I would limit TV. Way too explicit.

K.

I think if you encourage this behavior at such an early age it'll be and continue to be a distraction in his every day life.
Just because everyone is doing it doesn't mean he has to be like everyone else. I don't know of anyone letting an 11 yr go out at that age. Boys and girls should be taught to respect themselves and others. Most grown ups have a hard time handling relationships w/all the feelings and emotions that get invested and most times we have to go through a few heart breaks before we find the right partner. Nothing should be encouraged at this age other than having friends. There is plenty of time later in life for those kinds of things in his life when hes actually mature to handle a relationship.

what if you askt that boy to go out with you?

i told my son the same thing my father told me. "you can't date until you are 16, you are too young" it's ok to have kids come over to play, but with supervision. my son had to accept the fact that he wasn't allowed to date. its just too young. that being said the girl down the street came over to jump on the trampoline and my husband caught our 12 yo son "feeling up" on her. now the kids get way more supervision now and we had to talk about it. and told him no girlfriends.he is 15 now and no hard feelings.

Tooooo young. I would get him into sports...something else to take up his time ....and mind. At least for now.

C.,

I am a 35yr old mother of a 13yr old daughter. I tend to be overprotective because she is my only child. There is such a grey area surrounding this subject because we are dealing with cell phones, my space, and texting.

My daughter goes to a public middle school and these kiddos are sexually active. My daughter shares it all and several kids that come from decent families have already earned a reputation. I am even weary about church activities and try to tag along if at all possible. I allow my daughter to visit with boys on myspace and they are allowed to call her. I think it is important for boys to learn how to approach girls and deal with rejection and pursuing them. I will not allow her to go on group dates or claim that someone belongs to her. I suggest explaining to your son that girls are expensive and a huge responsibility. Explain that calling someone your girlfriend means that you have to meet her father and get permission for that honor. With tht being said, I try to have a since of humor about it. At least my daughter likes boys! We could be dealing with a whole set of issues in these times. =) Good luck..

I've met a lot of girls who got pregnant at 14-15 and most started "dating" at age 12, so I would advise against it. My mom always told me the purpose in dating was to meet someone you want to marry and if I wasn't ready to marry I wasn't ready to date! I started dating in college.

HTH,
S. (age 30, married 7 years and mom to 4 earth angels and 5 Heavenly treasures!)

I am raising my 14 yr old grandson, I have since he was 10. He wasn't into girls till 12 & 13. I feel 11 is too young. Just talk to him and let him know that when he is 12 he can go to movies and other functions that co-eds can do. I too am struggling with my grandson and girls.

C.,

My daughter is 12 years old and has been asked to "go out" several times by boys her age, but has never agreed to do it. She has come to talk to us each time. My husband and I asked her what it means to "go out". She explained that most kids that are "going out" don't actually go anywhere. This may be what your son thinks too, but I would find out for sure. We explained to her that this is the time in her life for friendship and that she can do that best by not "going out" with anyone in particular.

However, there are children that have much more mature ideas about what "going out" entails. My daughter is far more innocent, but that doesn't mean we haven't answered her questions about intimacy. We have kept the conversation about sex, dating and relationships open. When she hears something at school and she's not sure what to believe or what it means, she comes to us. I think that's what you need to do with your son. Keep talking to him. Let him know that you and your husband are there for him. This also gives you a chance to share your beliefs with him.

These are the things we discuss with our daughter when appropriate: My daughter knows that she is not allowed to date until she is 16 and then it's group dating until she's in college. In high school dating is for fun and for finding out the qualities that you appreciate in the opposite sex. Once you get to college it's okay to start dating one-on-one as you search for your perfect match. Sex is reserved for marriage. Sex within the bounds of marriage is ordained of God. It enables the full expression of the intense love and respect you feel for your spouse on an emotional and spiritual level. That's what true intimacy is. Good luck and God bless!

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I read the other responses with great interest since our son is 7. (I know our day is coming!) I thought I would put my two cents in, having watched some of the fifth graders where I teach "going out."

We had two fifth graders who were a couple most of the year last year at the school where I teach. In the mornings they would walk to class together down the hall. The boy would put his hand on the girl's shoulder and they would walk to class that way. Then they would sit together at lunch and talk sometimes. On Valentine's Day the boy gave the girl a teddy bear and an inexpensive necklace. That's it. That was their "going out." I think at one point the boy asked the girl to go a movie on the weekend, but the adults in the girl's life said no.

That being said, I do know that past students around the same age, fourth and fifth graders, also were "going out." For many, it was much like the above: they talked at school and that was it. However, there were a few who were seen kissing and who were going to movies together and such. The girls in those cases had many rumors going around about them and had many boyfriends that year, which worries me that they were growing up way too fast.

I would make it a point to get to know any girl and her parents before allowing any kind of "girlfriend." And I personally feel anything before 16 is too young for dating. It may seem as though everyone his age is "going out," but from what I can tell (based on my teaching expereiences) it's really only a handful of kids. And as my mother told me many times, "If so-and-so jumped off a bride, would you do it, too?"

I'm basing this purely on my husbands experience when he was 12 years old. At that age he lost his virginity and that was 24 years ago, so today the kids are on a much faster pace as far as being interested in girls. My advice would be to have open communication with him about your expectations on how he is to treat and interact with girls his age and express how important it is to wait until marriage before becoming sexually active.

My mom always told me if you ask a child to do something that isn't natural, the child will do it anyway and lie about it which will hurt your relationship a lot more in the long run. I think 11 is young to be "dating" but I don't think it would be too bad if you talked to him about what HIS expectations were. He might not even know! You could tell him that at his age a light peck on the lips when he was saying goodbye would be as far as you considered appropriate. If he wants to get together with a girl outside of school, let him invite her over to play a family game or watch a family movie. Dating doesn't have to be alone, but I also think if this is something he is interested in, it's better to find a away to be involved so you can stay in control than for him to do it behind your back because you say no. A LOT of my friends had lost their virginity by the time they were 13, and their parents had no clue. I was 16, which is young, but older than all my friends and WHEN I did, I had the kind of open trusting relationship that I actually told my parents I wanted to before I did and we were able to have a whole discussion about it. I never felt like I had to keep secrets from my parents the way my friends did. Good luck, parenting is such a tricky tight rope, but it sounds like you've done wonderfully so far if he trusts you enough to talk about it.

Talk to your husband about this. Follow his lead. He will know better. Agree to the boundaries and show a united front, even if you're not in total agreement.