11 Year Old Boy Misbehaving/attitude Problems

My thoughts:
1st of all. Your son is at a time where his hormones are changing everthing. He's "too old" to cry but he's still young enough to feel like it sometimes. Puberty is pure turmoil. Kids don't really know how to release that energy or emotion, so they just blurt out whatever comes to mind. Kind of like a turrets of sorts. They get mad but don't really know why, or sad and don't know why. It's just chaos.

Secondly, we haven't really taught them to analyze their feelings of why, what or how. We've taught them to just react to their wants and needs. Like, I'm hungry and we feed them, I'm thirsty and we get them a drink and so on. We don't teach them much about why they are thirsty or hungry. Their body demands and the anectode is provided.

With that said, try giving expectations and consequences of behavior and language. If he is rude, have him excuse himself from the room and tell him he is welcome to come back when he can be polite or kind. Let him know what language is not acceptable and what is. If he offends you, tell him you find that word or words offensive and why. If he hurts your feelings, tell him that hurts your feelings. Explain it to him. You can tell him "Saying things like that hurts my feelings". This way you are telling him without accusing or blaming.

Also help him understand himself. When he's rude, ask him if he's angry with you or someone or if something happened that upset him. Ask him if he's bored or hungry or whatever you can think of. Try to get him to talk about what's up or at least get him thinking about it. Then ask him if he feels better after being rude or mean.

For his trip to grandmas's, ask him if he wants to go. What if he doesn't really want to? Taking the trip from him won't really matter to him if he doesn't. If he does want to go, discuss your expectations and what he can do to earn the trip.

Don't be afraid to let him know you are angry or upset or dissappointed with him. Help him understand that you love him but don't necessarily like his behavior or attitude.

I never liked to tell my kids they were being bad so I always said ugly. I would say, "if you want to be ugly, go in your room so I don't have to be around you while you are. You can come back out when you stop being ugly". I also told my kids, quite specifically, that if they were going to be ugly or brats, it had better be at home and not in public. When we are out somewhere, they better have good manners and behave. If we were out somewhere and they misbehaved, I told them how I felt about their behavior right then and they had the choice to stop it or we would leave. If they didn't stop, we left and we live over 30 miles from the town where we do all our shopping. The next time, I hired a baby sitter to stay with them and went without them.

Give him a choice. He can choose to have bad language or behavior and lose privileges or quality time with mom or someone special to him. Or he can choose to be good or polite right now and spend time with you now, talking about how his day went and things he wants to do or places he wants to go and see and so on. Encourage him to dream and plan and share his dreams and plans and talk aobut what you and he can do to achieve those things.

I believe in expectations, choices, repercussions, dreams and lots of encouragement. Most of all I believe in being honest with your kids. Let them see you cry and laugh and be angry and such. Just show them how to be productive with those feelings. You can be angry without being rude or destructive and you can be sad for a while and its okay. Everyone feels these things so let him know its okay.

I could go on but I won't. I hope this helps a little. My thoughts are with you. Good luck.

I would say that this will pass, but maybe not for some time, boys start early with the attitude, hormones and brain changes that all effect the way they feel and their attitude to life.... getting close to the teen years their brains are changing rapidly, they can make rash decisions and be too impulsive, often getting into trouble, not thinking things through etc.... also on top of that their hormones maybe kicking in, you may notice some visual changes soon too. Always remember that you have been 11 but he has not been thirty something.... this is how I remind myself to be patient when I feel like getting very frustrated. Love is the only answer, does not mean you accept rude behavier, I usually find if I say something nice and be loving when he is being negative it can turn things around. This is so hard to explain via computer but you are welcome to call me. My children are 19, 15, 13 and 11..... I wish I knew what I know now when my 19 year old was 11! Be consistant, take things away like computor games but do it lovingly as hard as it is when they are being so difficult:) Also a big thing is diet. NO ARTIFICAL COLORS/no refined sugar! this will only make things worse for the rapidly developing brain. The empathy/logical thinking/thinking what may happen in the future if I do this or that will not kick in for some time yet;) hang in there.... the teen years can be a roller coaster!!

I took a parenting class that uses the book "Systematic Training for Effective Parenting" (S.T.E.P.)
You can order it on Amazon.com....It teaches parents how to teach children to take responsibility for their actions and empowers them to make good decisions.

I raised 3 children and now have 5 grandchildren ages13, 3, 22mos, 20mos, 7mos.

I also have a Shaklee nutrition business which I believe helps children get their needed supplements and uses non-toxic cleaners in the home which help with allergies, attitudes ect. My website is: www.shaklee.net/powerofhealth

Shaklee has been featured on Oprah 4 times this year.
Good luck with your kids...You sound like a wonderful caring mom.
A.

I have an 11 year old son, soon to be 12 next month, and I know what you are talking about. He always was a sweet, loving and funny kid, then he started changing. Forgetting that I was his mom and I deserved respect was my bottom line. I was at my end with him as well. I had tried the same things as you. I would talk and talk to him trying to get him to open up and nothing was successful. Finally I decided to take him to counseling. If he wasn't going to talk to me, he was going to talk to someone who could offer him some skills. Turns out he was getting picked on at school and he didn't want me to know. He didn't want me calling the school to talk to the principle and possible making the situation worse. He was mad at me also because I didn't 'see' this happening at school. How could I? I don't attend middle school! lol He was also having some problems because his biological father resurfaced after seven years. Not having consistant communication, not following through when he made promises, hate to say it but I guess this is 'normal' more than it is not. He is still in counseling, we haven't been going long, but it's doing wonders for him. It's not for everyone. Some people attach stigmas with counseling. There is no medication involved for my son. I don't feel he needs it. He needs some skills and tools for expressing himself in a productive manner and that's why I sent him. Hope this was helpful to you.

My 8 year old daughter started this sort of behavior a few months ago. We tried rewarding good behavior, we tried talking about her feelings, we tried limiting TV or sending her to her room. Finally, we decided we had to get control of the situation because she seemed unhappy and we certainly were.
We moved her out of her room she shares with her sister and into a spare room. The spare room was completely empty except for a mattress, pillow and blanket in boring colors. She spent one morning in there and was very bored. The door had to remain open (we said we would remove it from its hinges if she kept trying to close it) and she had to stay in there. Then we had her come out for lunch and if she was well-behaved she got to pick one toy to take in the room to play with. We gradually incorporated periods of coming out and interacting with the family and being rewarded for good behavior, with time in her boring new room. It took about a week before we believed she was acting well enough to return to her room and all her toys and books.
It sounds very hard, and it was tough for us to do it. However, she seems so much happier now. She is respectful and knows there are consequences to her actions, including a lot of praise for polite, respectful, kind behavior. We did all this in a loving way not a punishing way. There was no shouting on our part, just calm and firm communication. It really worked. Sometimes I don't think some kids realize how lucky they are and that all the toys/games etc. they have are not a right, but a privilege.
Hope this helps - tough love isn't easy but hopefully will pay off in the long run.

I've noticed that when I'm respectful to my kids, they're respectful back. I realize that when I read books that remind me of this on a regular basis, my entire family benefits. I *love* Playful Parenting; Parent Effectiveness Training; Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids; Unconditional Parenting; How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk; Hold on to Your Kids; Between Parent and Child; and Nonviolent Communication to name a few. =) (Perhaps I should mention that I'm a bit of a nerd and I read a lot! =) ).

Punishments don't often work, at least in the long run. Sometimes we can get short-term obedience, but the long term costs can be very high. Those books I mention teach ways to stay connected and communicate so that everyone gets what they need. They are more "work with" methods than "do to" methods.

Good luck to you, I hope you find the communication tools that can help everyone keep their sanity.

Hi K.,
I don't know if this will help or not, but I have been there. I have two boys, 15 and 12. Different things work for each one. My oldest responded well to taking away his phone (his favorite posession) for a few days until his attitude cleared up. The younger one does not respond well to threats or punishment. He would say the same things as yours. A heart to hear talk about how much it hurts my feelings works better. Some extra time and attention doing what HE likes to do WITH HIM also helps. If he gets really bad, sending him a note saying how much I love him and cherish him and how sad it makes me when he says mean things also helps. I know that sounds like the last thing you or they would want to do when they are acting beastly but many times 11 year olds are dealing with so much (hormones, emotions, girls, mean kids, fights) as well as trying to assert their independence, that they need some extra kindness to remember to be kind in turn. If your son was a sweet boy before this and knows how to be polite in public, he will come back to himself, but it will take a while. He is an adolescent. Hang in there.
M.

Hi,
I have been going through it too. My son is almost 11 and my friend and I often joke about how our sons are losing their minds. They are acting like women going through menopause. I fell like one minute he is sweet and loving and the next he is a raging disrespectful angry brat. At this age their hormones are really starting to kick in and I think they are confused. They want to be treated like the little kids they have always been, but they are also dealing with the fact that they are growing older and want more independance. They are torn and confused within their own bodies. I am still looking for the perfect solution too, but I think talking to them and explaining how thye are hurting us and asking how we can help can be big. Communication and of course consequences for actions is necessary.
Good Luck,
T.

K., I have an 11 year old nephew who went through a mild version of what you are describing - and as we have a lot of interaction with him we were part of trying to find out the real issue. Here is what we discovered: yes - part of it is the age - but what we really found out was that he was having trouble letting go of being a little kid with all of the perks that involves. As a little kid he was given a lot of direction, daily scheduling, and a lot of encouragement for even small accomplishments. As an 11 year old he was caught in the "I am a big kid" trap - rebelling against too many rules, yet missing the special things - like being tucked in at night, unexpected hugs and praise. We helped my sister and brother in law come up with a schedule and set of rules that everyone could live with and that he had some say in. I would say that the biggest thing that we as a family did was start to ask his opinion, involve him, and let him know that although we have high expectations of his behavior and that he can't be rude and must respect others (and there are set consequences for bad behavior) - we made it clear that now and for always he will be a part of a family, a community and that while that can be a struggle - it has many, many benefits. Now - he does still get in trouble occasionally - and the other day when he was over at our house and gave me some attitude, I turned to him and asked him if he had had a bad day or he just felt like being snotty! It stopped him in his tracks and he admitted that he was having a bad day - we talked about it and got it figured out. He still lost 30 minutes of video time - but this time when he said he didn't care - it was because we spent that 30 minutes together instead. Reading this over it sounds a bit pollyanna - but it really did work! He and my six year old son are now great friends (the older cousin has become a terrifc mentor), and when he has sleep overs at our house i insist on tucking them both in and giving him some of that special kid attention that he still needs. He is a great kid and I must say - we don't miss the annoying shoulder shrug!

Whew! Bless your heart! Sounds like he loves having you over a barrel! HAve you ever looked at "LOve and Logic" products? They have a website, loveandlogic.com. They have been soooo helpful to me, and I enjoy getting their cd's and listening to them in the car. Even the kids can listen, so they know what they're "up against". All can say is, that boy knows he's in control. You'll have to switch that around if he's going to grow up healthy.

Hi K.,

I feel for you and for your son who is the oldest of four.

At the transition age of 11 a good MALE role model is
really important. If you do not have one please
find one. Mommy and Grandma are for babies.

I do know that children absorb everything they hear and see.
Your oldest son is his younger siblings role model.

What is very very clear
is he wants to be understood and to identify.
We all do.

If you have cable television and video games.
Are their any shows that have been exposed to him?

Garbage IN equals Garbage OUT. Now is not time to second
guess and to take adult responsibility.
If you have paid cable t.v. please cancle this service.
Not in anger. In love with your childrens brain cells.
If you have video games are they PG? There is so so so much
out side influence on our childrens minds.

Anyhow at the age of 11 he is transforming and it is a signal for you to step it up and allow him to grow in a positive manner. Does he have a male mentor? Now is a good time to
talk to this person and do some intercessing.

Much love
C.
I am the oldest of 5 and have Four Baby Brothers.

http://www.lose7-15lbs-9days.com

Negative attention is just as good as positive attention to a kid. So, I recommend you need to withdraw all attention to this matter. When he does it, simply say, "That's enough" and if he back talks and continues send him to his room. Remove all things fun from his room and have him sit on his bed. Do not lecture, do not increase tension, do not threaten. Have the same consequence for the behavior, every time. Tell him he can come out when he is done being rude. If he does it in the store, out of the house, simply take him home (yes, you will have to disrupt your activity for a bit) and put him in his room. Rude boys are confined to their rooms. Period.

(or come up with your own version of a non-negotiable punishment that does not affect you too severely, but does not increase his behavior by overly punishing and overly stimulating the situation.)

Arguing, bargaining and giving Grandma ANY say in the matter is going to do nothing but increase your son's anger and intensify the behavior. Grandma needs to hold her grandson in high regard and not get involved in situations that do not involve her. Grandma really needs to reevaluate her role, as she has the opportunity to love her Grandson unconditionally and should be a support to him. He should want to go there and escape his behaviors, and if she plays her cards right, his visit to her will be delightful.

If she has an issue with him at her home, then she needs to handle the situation, not you while he is in her care. Otherwise, if everyone gangs up on him and if he is forced to go to church and face father, forced to deal with Grandma, etc. he's just going to lash out. The more "disappointed" adults are with children, the more they lash out. The cycle you have described, with you involving every adult you can to support you as right, only makes your authority with your son less. STOP using the church, as that backfires with this age group every single time and will turn your son against his religion which he will need in his future.

Rude comments are unacceptable to you and make him look bad and will very much affect his future with a wife/girlfriend and are a stepping stone to other disrespectful behaviors. You are his mother and you are in the right to stop his behavior. You do not need the support of others to do what is right for your son, just do it. Do not ignore the behavior, but do not give the behavior so much attention that you encourage it without meaning too.

Hi K.,
Perhaps one could try some special Mom and Son time. When my 12 year old starts this kind of behavior I see it as a time to reconnect on a deeply personal level. Especially with multiple children they need one on one to remind them. And get creative, we set up a list one for each of us, including me of things we would enjoy doing together, we can pick from my list every other time. I like hiking my son likes the arcade and daughter horses and clay, we all like books. No matter what, we have to do it together. There is always a lunch, sometimes a packed picnic and almost always a bit of nature, even if it's a drive. Gook luck
ps We have a great family therapist off and on 4 years who they like and respect and gives straight talk about behavior.

Having a misbehaving child is tough. A technique I learned from a friend when her 3 year old was having a BAD attitude is to make them "hold up the wall". Length of time depends on the childs age, your son is 11 so for 11 minutes. When they "hold up the wall", the child looks like they are going to do a push up standing up. Hands and feet apart just like a push up and I always make a mark on the wall where my daughter has to look. Everytime my daughter gets and bad attitude I make her "hold up the wall". Eleven minutes of standing there like that really makes her rethink her attitude. The nice part about this idea is you are not hitting your child but you are disciplining, which he needs. Plus you are not grounding him and I don't like to ground because it takes from the whole family not just the child. When you ground him, you are also grounding your husband or yourself. It is a phase, but some children take longer to get through then others. Try this idea out, it is also a form of punishment our mom can use with him if his attitude acts back up with her. Hopw it helps for you like it did for me.

S. M.

K.,
My step-son went through the same thing when he was about 14 - congrats on your son being ahead of the game:) Your mom is right, it is a phase.
I remember sitting my step-son down and talking to him about his behavior - he thought it was funny. I showed a lot of emotion and told him that he basically had 4 parents who worked very hard day in and day out to give him the life that he has. I was very tempted to make him volunteer at a homeless shelter, but knew that wouldn't fly with the other parents.
He will be 18 in a few weeks and I could not ask for a better kid. He has learned the value of a dollar and works hard and is finishing up high school. He's heading off to college in the fall. He still jokes around a bit here and there, but I have learned to take it in stride and if I get mad, he knows he has crossed a line. I do remember that once he got interested in girls, his attitude started to change.
I did take away computers, games,tv, phones - all the good stuff. It had a minimal effect, but I still think there needs to be consequences to all actions, otherwise they will never learn.
Good luck and God bless - 4 kids!! (I am from Maryland too!)
K.

It may be a phase as they say he is going through, but it needs to be nipped in the beginning. He needs to know that his attitude will not be toleranted and it needs to come from your husband. He needs to lay the law down as the saying goes that he will not be disrespectful to anyone family or otherwise as he is setting the example for your other children. They see him getting away with it and then they will think they can get away with it. My son tried the attitude thing and I stopped it right then and there. He was told if he couldn't say something then to keep his mouth shut. If you continue to allow him to get away with it, it will only get worse. Ground his little fanny and take his privliges away until he gets the message. It doesn't matter if it is a week or a month or 6 months whatever it takes. He needs to find out that his actions will not be tolerated any longer period. Ban him from doing the things he enjoys the most, tv, computer, movies, phone or all of them. He is controlling the situation instead of you controlling the situation. Parents have to take charge as parents and let their children what is acceptible and what is not. In my book he has been running the show. The boys father needs to have a firm talk with him and set ground rules and if he doesn't follow them, well then it time to take action. If you don't then you have no one to blame but yourselves. Kids need structure and discipline in their lives. He may be doing it to get attention, but that still doens't make it right.

Have you talked to your pediatrician? My 13 year old daughter seems to shape up when I keep her from her friends. Also- they do care-even when they say the don't. Try giving him more one on one attention. He could be competing with the other children in the household for attention.

Hi K., I also have an 11 year old Son who is acting very similiar to your Son. I believe it is a phase as he is approaching puberty. I asked my Daughter who just became a Registered Nurse about my Son's mood swings and scarcasm when I ask him a simple question and she said that it might get worse before it gets better, because he is making that transition from childhood to teenagehood. I really do believe that your Son, as he reaches puberty (teenager) that he is going through a stage in his life. And we thought the "terrible twos" were bad LOL LOL. It seems like you are consistent in your discipline, however and that is good. Good Luck K.. Have A Wonderful Day.