Son Determined to Make Me Miserable

Sounds like oppositional defiant disorder (or ODD).

Have him evaluated and then learn what you can about coping techniques.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/oppositiona...

First, don't let him know you"re miserable. Second, have immediate consequences that are related to what he's done, not done. Act like you're in charge. Fake it til you make it. Never raise your voice. Never argue. Never lecture. He knows he's wrong.Treat him with respect as you teach him. I suggest that once you're able to know that you're able to respect him, not his actions respect makes more sense.

When I'm faced with disrespect I either ask/tell them to go to their room because I don't want to hear it or I go to another room without saying anything. I stand there giving the child mom's evil eye, without saying anything,they go. I don't think I've spent more than 5 minutes wsiting. If he walks away but not to his room, ignore it. He will get it eventually. Takes time and consistency.

Taking away things just gives him more reason to be hateful. He can do whatever he wants unless he's destructive to your home.

Ask the counselor what she suggests. She/he is your son's counselor so don't talk with her if your son isn't present. My granddaughter's counselor sees both of us when we're having difficulty.

The book Love and Logic for teens has been very helpful for me. I read it first because I wanted to know how to make the "punishment" fit the crime. From there I learned many more helpful ways to discipline.

You can't change his behavior overnight - and in fact, it won't change unless he wants to - so I'd just keep making life great for him when he's respectful, and I'd remove myself from being in his presence when he's unkind or disrespectful.

I have one that can be disrespectful at times. He doesn't get to join in - he goes up to his room (no electronics). I've been doing this with him for years. In his case, he needs time on his own to decompress after a long day. Otherwise, it's almost as if he's going to let it all out. So we don't stick around to take that. I also walk away if he's in a mood - I go to my laundry room, take a tea with me, or just anywhere where I won't be tempted to engage or say something back.

If your son wants an audience, if he's upset inside, then that's what the counselor is for. Or - if he's respectful, listen to him at the end of the day. I go in and take some clean clothes in and hang out in my son's room at bedtime. He'll start talking. I just listen. I don't offer advice or even comment.

I went to see my son's therapist for a few sessions - on how I could cope and better parent. It was helpful and found it nice to have outside support from someone who sees this regularly.

Ours was a phase - but I do know that the need to unwind or else .. part of his personality is just who he is. But if you don't take it (walk away) he can't do it. Best to you.

(I would ask the counselor if something is making your son act out or be angry or sad - if this is new behavior).

well, so you know what doesn't work.
giving him orders and punishing him hasn't improved his behavior, so it's time to try something different, isn't it?
he sounds like a very angry, confused young man. he's teetering on the edge of adolescence, and you are his entire structure, model and template for adulthood. and that's a huge responsibility for you. i don't envy you.
so it's time to change your relationship with him. he didn't get this way overnight and it won't change overnight, but this is your little boy and he's worth the time and effort, isn't he?
it's the two of you facing the world together, and it's time to make the world you have with him somewhere he feels safe, and heard, and happy. not by giving him everything he wants and kowtowing to his bad behavior, but by listening to him, getting him to share his deeper feelings with you, and taking responsibility for his actions.
that doesn't just happen. it'll be a while before he trusts that you're both hearing him AND listening to him. that his opinion matters. that he has something to say about his life. that he will come forward with what he sees as the problems, and his suggestions for solutions.
you need to enlist his aid in turning your life together into something more harmonious.
i'm glad he's in counseling. are you? can you go together?
no easy fix, hon. just lots of listening, as little judgment as you can possibly manage, and remembering that he's going to be an adult in a very few short years, and you've got to get him ready.
you can do this.
khairete
S.

I think you need to get your son to know you, really know you as a person. He needs to empathize with you and respect you as a person. Do you share some of your personal struggles with him? He is not a young child anymore that needs to be sheltered from reality. (I'm wondering if you have overcompensated because you felt guilty about your son not having his dad in his life... IDK just a thought.)

Kids are innately self centered. If you don't teach them to look outward they grow into self centered adults. When my girls were in kindergarten age we used to read the Chicken Soup for the Soul books which I believe really helped shape them.

I suggest you do something really fun with your son, like spend the day at an amusement park together. When you get home from work, tell your son about your day including the struggles and good things that made your day. Your son sees you as someone who is trying to make his life miserable. You need to change his perspective.

Food for thought... Also, it is my experience that not all counselor are good and helpful. On the advice of my son's pediatrician, my husband and I went to a grief counselor after my son's death. This woman could have had me and my husband in divorce court. Luckily we realized that in the 6 weeks we saw her nothing in our marriage had changed (we had/have a great marriage) it was just where she was putting the focus. My husband and I stopped seeing her and took the $120 we were spending weekly to treat ourselves to nice date nights. That was the best thing we ever did for our marriage.

Best of luck!

T.,

Sounds like you need a new counselor/therapist for your son.

Your son needs IMMEDIATE consequences for breaking the rules. He needs to know what the rules are and what the consequences will be for breaking the rules. You can't back down, bend, etc. This is the time you have to have a REALLY HARD back bone and stand your ground.

You MUST be consistent. Things don't just happen over night. It takes two to three weeks to make something a routine.

You MUST "catch him being good". You MUST praise him for things he is doing right. He needs to know you see the good, not just the "bad". HE is NOT bad. His actions are bad. HUGE difference there. You need to tell him you love him, unconditionally.

DO NOT show him you are miserable.

Give him responsibilities. Tell him if he believes he can do it all? Then he needs to start manning up and do it. there's a difference between a know-it-all and someone who can put their money where their mouth is.

If he does what you tell him NOT to do? Think of things you need done and then tell him that he is not to touch or do....and see how fast he does it...reverse psychology.

Where is his dad in all of this? I realize you're a single parent, but does he not have any interaction with his dad?

You two need counseling together. You need to work with the pediatrician, school and therapist to learn how to work together and communicate. I would suggest parenting classes as well. Ask your pediatrician about them. Go to your local social services office and ask for a referral.

This will NOT be easy. You're gonna have a few tough months ahead of you, if not a year. However, YOU CAN work this out. You need to change therapists and find a counselor for BOTH of you.

Marda gave great advice. I would also get the both of you in to counseling ASAP. Or at least you to start and add him. But none of that is okay. I'm sorry.

My husband and I asked our daughter's counselor if we could have a family session. We outlined for the counselor the issues we needed help with, well before the session, and we stuck to those issues. It was helpful for all of us. So maybe you could try something similar?

12 is a really tough age - sadly it often gets worse before it gets better. Sorry :(

First, misery loves company. He is clearly miserable and wants to make you miserable - by acting miserable. It's a vicious circle only you can break. Like other posters suggested, don't LET him make you miserable (or at least don't show it). Much of what 12 yr olds feed on is the "reaction". Think of how bullies act - they live for the response. Your son is kind of being a bully here and is waiting for you to always react in the negative.

There are a lot of books out there: Love and Logic, Talk so your Teen Will Listen, etc. Check out a few at the library (but LEAVE them at the library) to get some ideas. Focus on the things you CAN control, like your attitude, body language, responses. Let go of things you CAN'T control, like his attitude, language, etc. That don't mean that he can't have consequences for his actions, but if you are yelling and flipping out, then HE has control :)

Good luck - this really is a tough time for parents, and especially single moms. Is there a dad or other male role model in the picture that you can lean on a bit?

How to talk so Teens will listen and how to listen so teens will talk.

It's a great book and perfect for your situation. Please read it. You can likely get it from your local library.

When you say you have taken away everything have you really? If it is as bad as you say maybe all he should have is a bed, some basic clothing choices, and books. I would also seriously consider getting him into counseling with a professional, it sounds like he is angry and confused (having a parent incarcerated can bring up confusing feelings in children) and he needs some real help. Also, try to tell him as much as possible how much you love him even when he is being bad. When my son tells me he hates me my response is always "well I love you completely", every single time.

My stepson said the same thing at that age. The problem is that traditional therapy doesn't really work if a child isn't motivated to change. And he's clearly not motivated because, for some reason, he's getting something from it. We finally found an MST therapist that made all the difference because his approach was largely based on the premise that regardless of what bothers us, we still,have to follow a code of conduct in life. We can have difficult experiences in life, but our bosses still expect us to,be respectful.

First start by defining three basic rules that you expect him to follow. For us, it was Be Respectful (kind), arrive at school on time, and return home by curfew.

Second, you need to understand that the only thing you HAVE to provide for your child is food, clothing, and a place to sleep. And it doesn't have to be good clothes or food. Everything else is a privilege.

Identify the three most important things to him. For us, it was internet access, his phone, and his.computer.

Then tie the rules to those privileges. Don't present it as a punishment. (I.e you were rude so you lose your phone). Instead, present it as a reward (I.e. Because you were respectful today, you've earned the right to have your phone tomorrow.) Punishments and negative consequences cause more hostility. If he doesn't follow the rule, there's no privilege. Don't take it away for weeks. It should be short term because you need to be able to take it away again! If you take it away for a long time, he'll get used to not having it and won't care.

Finally, establish a reward IF he follows the rules consistently for a week. (If he's really out of control you may need to start with two days of good behaviors! The point is to help him be successful and begin to understand that being a good person is a lot more rewarding than being a jerk.). We made a list of activities that were within our budget and he was allowed to choose one.

By approaching it this way, he'll quickly learn that YOU are in charge. Don't react to his outbursts. Just follow your plan.

You could look at wilderness programs. But they're extremely expensive. And they're not effective if you don't change your home environment also.

It took us about three months to see the full results. He's now 21, in college, and a joy to be around.

My son used to do something similar...he was not deriving any pleasure in making me miserable...but anytime he was really upset over something he was determined to hang on to his woes like a bulldog and make everyone else in the family completely miserable too. You could tell he was suffering and unhappy though. I had him do therapy for two years. I looked up child psychiatrists who specialize in anger, defiance, etc. He went once a week when he was 10 and 11. The therapist also would meet with me one on one every now and then. It was VERY VERY helpful and I cannot recommend it enough. I have found that some therapists are helpful and some not so much so it really is important to find the right one. For our son it was important that he really clicked with/liked the therapist. His second therapist was a very "cool" person (she had 3 boys who were then all in their 20s) and she really specialized in teens and ODD, anxiety, anger, etc. She worked with him on taking responsibility for himself and his own behavior. The first therapist taught me that my son and I need to bond more. He was always being so rude/obnoxious and it was pushing me away. I did not like him at that point in life. So we started doing more things together and I would let him pick what we should do. He often wanted to teach me a video game and we would play together. It was incredibly boring for me but we did this a lot and I could tell he was delighted. We did other things too. He would share a book he was reading with me and I would read it too. I took him to a concert he wanted to go to. Things like that. I think working on positive times together really helped. He's a very very strong willed kid and I learned to deescalate situations with him. Coming down hard with consequences/punishments really backfires with him and just makes everything worse. I was taught to let go more which was hard.

Just wanted to offer cyber hugs and support. So sorry. One of my boys gave me hell too so I understand some of what you're going through. Is the school able to handle him? Are you the only one who gets this behavior?

Have you considered talking to a different counselor about a mental health boot camp for wayward teens? Sounds like this counselor isn't making much progress.