12 Year Old, No Friends, Mad at the World.

You don't mention what other social outlets your son has but how about....

Independent sports (gym membership, swimming, biking, marial arts). There is so much going in in the body of a 12 yr old boy...A physical release, learning physical control and patience might be good.

Team sports (maybe an association outside your school district giving him an opportunity to meet new kids)

Church youth group

Community Ed...But don't sell it as more "school" they have some great offerings.

Mom time...I understand with 2 other kids it would be hard but can you find time to roam the library, the mall, grab lunch, take in a movie -- Just you and him?

Make over -- I know this sounds silly for a boy but I am the mom of boys and they really do care (tho no where near as much as girls) about having cool clothes, cool shoes, or a really cool hair cut.

Grampa/Uncle time -- My brother had some similar struggles and no one could bring out the hidden side of him quite like our uncle and our grampa.

Is he your oldest? You mention your ex is less than happy about the split and he is perhaps feeding his dissension to your son? A 12 yr old who has to listen to adult complaints would definitely feel miserable. See if he can get some mild talk therapy.

Your son is at an age where he really needs to spend more time with his father. He needs a male role in his life to identify with. You and your EX need to come together as parents to help your son. You need to put aside your differences with his father and be bigger than the situation to help your son. I feel sorry for your son. This sounds very sad to me. I hope you can help work this out. The majority of what is wrong is caused by you and your spouse splitting up. That is just a undeniable fact that you must cope with and validate in order to find a solution. Your son is screaming for attention, but will refuse to admit it.

J.,

My children are very young so I don't have any experience re: how to work with a (soon to be ) teen. But I did want to write to let you know that my heart goes out to you and that you can get through this and have you, your son and your other children come out on the other side of this.

Don't give up trying to find the resources that are available to you and keep on top of your son... stay in his business and have him/your family talk to someone. It breaks my heart when my toddler gets shunned, I can only imagine what it feels like to have that happen to your 12 yo. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts/prayers.

Please seek help for your son. The Alexander Center in Eden Prairie is for children only. Check out their website. The center is wonderful.

A few things I suggest.

1:) Take away the video games!.! And only let him use the computer for school work.

2:) Get him some counseling.

3:) Consider homeschooling him or signing him up for the virtual school at home (I believe that is online) for now. You can always send him again but I think you need to get him out NOW and take care of what's going on before it gets worse.

4:) Before jumping to medicate him right away I would consult a chiropractor/nutritionist and get his diet cleaned up. All the things they put in food now days can react in some kids. Cut out the dyes, sugars, high fructose corn syrup, etc. This is itself, has been known to improve depression and behavior problems in kids.

Bullying is real. It hurts. And it seams like he is taking it out on his younger siblings. He hurts and he wants to feel the power of making someone else hurt. It also sounds like he is depressed. You need to move quick before he does something to himself or to someone else.

I read somewhere that teenagers are effected by divorce and are not able to bounce back easily like younger kids are.
I see problems that can get worse, and it is great that you are acting on them now.
Put him into a sport where he is interacting with other boys, activities. He needs something to take his mind off of what is going on. Encourage him to invite a friend over to the house to play games.
Have some time with the two of you daily. Make sure he talks to you. I just heard in my parenting class that boys are act quicker on suicide than girls. They won't talk about it but they will do it.

You need to limit his time with the video games he doesn't feel like he is productive in any way. Make him feel like he is important. And if possible have him go with his father.
The best of luck and my prayers are with you and your family.

If you like to read, I recommend the book "Boys Adrift." And maybe some therapy for your son to help him learn how to be angry without hurting others and to help him move into those teenage years.

Good luck to you J.!

One of my sons and I were just talking about this issue this morning. My older son who is almost 50 (I divorced when he was only 4) still carries around a lot of baggage which I believe had its roots in the "loss" of his father.

More important than counseling for your son is counseling for you and your ex-husband so you each learn how to care for your son and give him what he needs. It is sooo easy for your animosity toward each other to spill over and negatively impact your son. Your son needs both of you, period. Don't waste time blaming each other. I say this because, looking back I can see how my behavior impacted my son. It wasn't my intent but it happened nonetheless.

The suggestions about becoming involved with sports (or any thing where he can experience success) are spot on. I doubt that school is the problem here, I know there is an inborn need to place blame somewhere and it is hard to acknowledge that the problem may have started at home but the good thing is if that's where it starts, that's where it can be fixed.

My heart goes out to you because it is a difficult situation but with compassion and prayer, it can be overcome.

'

Wow, sounds just like me at that age! My parents did not intervene and I didn't feel that I could talk to them about it, so I got way worse, had a couple of hospitalizations, stayed home "sick" from school so much that I got suspended for it and failed a few classes, and then finally dropped out. I did even worse things after dropping out.
I don't know all of the answers, but I think he should obviously see a therapist, and get a whole bunch more one on one time with you and your husband, and I think it would be a good idea to switch schools at least, if you cannot home school him or are opposed to an online high school. I think it would be good to get him involved in a community education class, or volunteer at an animal shelter or nursing home. Something to get him out and doing something, in an environment where no one knows him, and will be more likely accept him for who he is. It might also be a good idea for the whole family to start therapy including your youngest because everyone is being effected in one way or another. I recommend researching what kinds of therapy groups are available in your area. I went to a "friends group" when I was 14 or 15 and it's sole purpose was to get troubled teens together and help them make friends. We would meet for group, talk, play games, go for a walk...that was it. It was really helpful at the time.
When you are teased at a certain school, it never goes away. The kids don't stop, or start doing it behind your back instead, and it's hard to move on when you have to see the same kids who've made your life hell over and over each day. It's a hostile environment and will always be, because even if he makes friends and everything is fine and dandy, he will still have the memories of being teased and still feel the shame and hurt of it all and the discomfort and anxiety of having to go back again and again.
Whatever you do, don't pressure him or put him down for any of this. It's not his fault and he probably already has little or no self esteem.
I ended up going to an alternative high school to finish my diploma- one that I went to in the evening and everything was much much better after that.
I guess there really is no quick fix for this. He might get much worse before things get better, but stick with it and always always express your love and support for him.

Therapy, Therapy, Therapy...Please get some professional help for him and probably your whole family. It's been said that the one of the biggest mistakes parents make when getting divorced is not seeking family counseling. I don't think people who get divorced REALLY understand how they have changed their children's lives forever...it's almost like a death of a parent when it happens...believe me...I've been through it personally! Seek help immediately!

My first thought is - how much dad time is he getting? This is the time in his life when he needs some a positive role model and dad time. If dad is a poison because of his blaming, etc., find another male role model who will spend some one on one time with him.
If he's into video games - check out the program at the Hennepin County library where they do some gaming computer activities - maybe he'd meet some friends with similar interests.
I have a friend who lives nearby and her son is fairly withdrawn & spends a lot of time playing video games - he is depressed and recently may have tried to commit suicide. Your son is crying out for help. Is moving him to another school an option? Kids can be so brutal. Give him some coping skills - give him some "fight back" words to use. Get him to open up to you and tell you what exactly the kids are saying and role model some situations. Is he doing anything to bring things on? Is he walking away? What if he just lauged at these kids? Told them to grow up?
I was told by a friend recently that there have been several teen suicides in the Anoka/Andover area - take the hurting yourself things very seriously. Get help. Do it now. Look up info on teen suicide - let the experts help.

The school has a LEGAL and moral obligation to protect your son.

WI Dept. of Public Instruction bullying resources: http://dpi.wi.gov/sspw/pdf/bullyingguide.pdf

National Center for Bullying Prevention
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/resources/index.asp

Bullying–Notifying School Administrators of Harassment Concerns http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-5.pdf

Record Keeping and Bullying http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-3.pdf

Common Views about Bullying
http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-1.pdf

Talk with Your Child about Bullying
http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-2.pdf

Please find your son a good psychologist. The school psychologist can also help your son.

You have alot of issues going on here. Your ex-husband is laying the blame for your marriage break-up on you and you don't know what is being said when he is with the kids. The anger your son is experiencing could be a sign that he is fighting inside himself about what he is hearing and what he is seeing. Then he goes to school and has kids making fun of him but you don't know why. So more anger building up inside him and no outlet for the anger.
You could try counseling, maybe a counselor could get him to talk. I would also look for a good Martial Arts school for him. Talk to the instructor and explain to him what is going on with your son. The displine he will learn as a part of the Martial Arts training will help him to learn how to handle his anger. The training and respect he receives will help with his self-esteem issues. He will begin to feel good about who he is as his skills grow and he advances from belt to belt and participates in tournments and brings home trophies. He will soon learn that he has nothing to prove because he has already proven himself. He will be able to blow off the kids that make fun of him and be able to see that they are only doing it because they have self-esteem issues of their own.
Don't be concerned about him using his training on his siblings or classmates, he will be taught that he only uses his training if he is in danger and then only as much as he needs to.

You must get him some counseling immediately. Any talk of self-harm is very serious, and needs to be taken that way. Don't be hurt, and confused. Act. This is not about you. This is about your son. He needs a parent that he can depend on to act as an adult. He needs to see a therapist, perhaps a child psychiatrist. If he has a regular physician, this is a good time to go and see them. Give the child and the doctor some one on one time to talk. They can probably recommend a good person to go to, and help assess the seriousness of the situation. Be the solid person in your son's life. Does he have chores to do as part of the family? Does he receive an allowance as part of the family? An outside activity where he can release his frustrations physically, build self esteem, and be in an environment where no one knows him from school can be really good.

Get your son into counciling asap. He needs a constructive way to let his emotions out and they are trained to do so. Look into the big brother program if there is one in your area. He needs a friend who will do things with him that isn't video games.. someone to look up too. He probably is hearing really negitive things from his father about you and that adds in the self worthlessness he is feeling. As long as he doesn't like himself, others won't be able to get past that and be friends with him. Do something fast before he does something devestating to himself or someone else.

Hi J.,

This is hard. I taught 5th grade for a few years and have seen boys and girls in this situation. I love what others have recommended, including counseling and looking at alternative schools. Many schools are NOT a one size fits all. Some kids need a second chance where no one knows their history.

I'd also look at helping him find what he does well and cultivate that. That may help with self-confidence issues.

Does he struggle academically? Find a tutor. This really helps kids look at themselves in a better light when they see that they CAN do it.

If the program is convenient, sign him up for a big brother or sister....a brother would be ideal.

He may be feeling trapped in an environment that doesn't seem to be working WITH him but against him. Step back and try to improve what you can to make life better for everyone....this is SO HARD, but necessary. Check your language and his siblings' to see if negative words, phrases, or actions are used often and if they are, talk about it as a family and try to clean it up....perhaps with a money jar to buy a fun day out or a progress chart on the fridge with incentives.

I would also talk to his pediatrician considering he is on the verge of puberty. It could be an imbalance of hormones.

Good luck to you! You have a lot on your plate but you are doing what you can to help your son. Not every parent notices or takes action.

J., when I was younger my parents split up, we lost our house, I could barely ever see my dad, and I hated my mom. My parents eventually got back together and then had to live in a very small apartment and I had to share a room with my little brother (never had to do before) and I was 9 years old constantly 'babysitting' him. On top of that my grandmother (whom I was very close with) passed away with the loss to cancer. I struggled and had no one to talk too. My dad, just a year ago, 45 years old, committed suicide because of depression due to the divorce my parents finally had reached. From suicidal experience and depression of my own, my parents had put me into counseling when I was younger. It helped, but very little. Everyone is different though. My advice, keep your ears open and comments to yourself! With depression, kids just want to be heard! Try counseling, but also it really starts at home. Try being more involved with him. Hanging out with him. Getting him to laugh! Making him feel like he's not alone! 1 thing I've learned is kids really don't know how to cope! They learn by watching their parents and loved ones. Show him how to cope with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Give him a journal and tell him to write about all his thoughts and feelings etc. and maybe both of you can share it and talk about it in his counseling. Plan volunteer things. Try mostly at animal shelters. You would be shocked how much kids relate to animals in this situation. Just always keep in mind he's hurting and he's hurting badly just as you and your ex husband may be. But the way you handle this now will make the world of difference. It will be hard. He won't want to go anywhere nor do anything with you nor even talk to you. But before you force him to make friends, he needs to find happiness within himself first. Then try the sports etc. Don't get frustrated and don't give up! I promise he'll come around! Good luck to you and stay strong for him. Keep a smile on your face everyday! It's contagious! Oh and just to add, karate is a really good sport if he's into it!

Hi J.
I need to start by saying it sounds like your son needs someone to talk to about his feelings. I am not sure how to help with the school issues. But from personal experiance with my son. to help with home issues you really need to take away the video games or really limit his time. My son's attiuide is so much better when he only get 30minutes a day of screen time. we are much more connected as a family if we limit everyons screen time.

Hello J.,

This is an extrememly critical age for boys, especially those without at-home fathers, OR those who are subject to bullying. you son has both troubles! This is when suicide, drugs, and other serious issues take over. Please get him into a good, compassionate counselor immediately.

I also recommend a great book "Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children" by Gottman. If provides some great insights on how we can help our children gain the tools they need to live successfully in a difficult world.

You can read more on my blog: www.rivieraplayschool.blogspot.com

Lots of love,
Linda

You don't really think the school-thing is turning him into a bully at home, do you? You can't make him care about people around him, but you can help him to find the behavior he might adopt that would make people want to be with him.

Tell your ex-husband that if he would now stop playing the blame game with you, he might be able to help your children adapt. What he is doing is hurting them; if he really cares he should take anger management classes to help himself so that he might be able to help himself then someone else in the future.

I sympathize with your situation. Your son needs professional counseling to deal with the issues that he is facing. While some kids are loners and the teasing at school is hard on him this will pass when he gets to Jr. High and he is able to socialize with more kids his age. Hitting siblings is not a new issue between siblings not acceptable but normal. Make sure that you are giving not only talks but discipline for his actions. If he is still angry at you for leaving his father is there a way his father could take him for awhile. He could be missing the daily companionship of another male. If his actions all started when you seperated this definately could be the issue but I suspect he was always this way.