12 Year Old Tween

You also need to find a consequence and stick with it.. Changing it all around just gives her control. What is she into.. TV, IPod, computer, shopping, friends? That is how you will know the best way to get her attention..

If she is just like you, tell her.
This will either make her want to change (hee, hee), or it will let her know you understand what she is feeling..

When it was just my mom, sister and I after she divorced, my mom sat down with us and said "Well it is just the 3 of us. We can make this work or we can make it unpleasant for all of us. I would prefer it work. We are a team, and I am the team leader. We all work together to make good things happen, but if it doesn't I will make ALL of the decisions."

She also told us her "first PROMISE" was that "IF we told her the truth, she would not get mad at us. She may be disappointed or hurt, but as long as we told her the truth, we would be fine." She said she knew that we were good girls and wanted to always do our best and that she also knew we would always try to do the right thing so she would not be sdisappointed.

She also told us, if we lied to her, we "would be in huge trouble" and she "would have a really hard time EVER trusting us again."
She held on to this promise and we really did try to always tell her the truth right away, cause no one messes with mama..

My mother was also very honest about her past. She did not really have much of a past, but she told us about bad choices, mistakes and regrets.. She did not make herself pious and judgmental.. Instead we saw her a s a human with faults who was not perfect, but had really tried to make the right decisions.. When they ended up not so great or she had gotten off track, she explained it was hard to make it better, but at least she had learned from her mistakes..

My father would never, ever admit when he was wrong, made bad choices and he never apologized. We knew this.. We could not be close to him, because we thought he would find US not perfect..

Be sure to acknowledge the times, she does not smart mouth or act disrespectful.. "Thank you for cleaning the kitchen tonight when I asked. I was so tired, you really helped me " "Thank you for not getting upset when I had to work late and could not take you shopping tonight. It makes me feel better that you understand." "Thank you for your patience at church tonight. I know you were tired. "

What I am saying to you is that your younger daughter is testing you. This is part of what she is supposed to do as a teen. She is trying to be independent and see what she can do on her own.. In 6 years she will be an adult.. She is trying to be what she considers adult behavior.. Your job is not to constantly punish her, but to help guide her choices and show her what a grown up is supposed to be. This means how YOU handle the tough times. How YOU react to difficult situations, How YOU behave with others and treat others.. She is always watching you.. .

You do this by setting a standard with good reason.. "You decided to not do your homework last night, so I guess when you get a zero for the day, you will not be able to attend the school concert of friday night." "What are you going to do next time? What can you do to make this better?"

If daughter is smart, she will come up with some solutions.. "I promise when I come home today I will do last nights homework and tonight's homework. I will turn it in late and see if my teacher will give me some credit for it."

When she smart mouths you, let her know. (in a clam voice) "I do not hear you when you speak to me in that tone." Or you could say.. "Go to your room and find your regular voice."

If she has an attitude, let her know.. "Only mama is allowed to have an attitude in this house. You need to act like you have respect."

I am sending you strength mom.. It is very hard to not want to lock them in their rooms till they grow up, but instead we have to actually live with them and always be on our toes. Let you daughter know you will always love her. You will always have her back, but that you also want her to grow up and be a responsible, intelligent and thoughtful lady. You will not accept anything less that n what she is capable of..

I like Laurie's answer, except for one thing. Changing the punishment is not always bad. I have a son that started acting like that and he always had the same type of punishment. It wasn't working. So, I tried a "variable punishment" system. He never knew what the punishment was going to be or how severe (barring of course any form of physical violence). Some days, it was simply no dessert after dinner. Some days, it would be not getting to go somewhere with his friends. Some days, it was to take away screen time, etc.

Changing the punishment took the control out of his hands and put it in mine. He no longer knew what was coming, so he could no longer decide if the punishment was worth it or not.........thereby, making it impossible for him to manipulate me, also. You see, he also would occasionally allow himself to be "punished" because he knew it would also punish me if I couldn't do what I wanted because of his punishment. If he doesn't know what the punishment is, then he has no idea how it will affect either one of us. Then, I have control over how much the punishment, punishes me!

Every child has a "currency", you just need to find what it is for your daughter.

Get yourself a copy of RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN.

I'm interested to hear your responses. My tween was like that, she's now 15 and it's still the same. We have times when she's an angel, but most of the time it's the attitude. I have found that taking away her computer and tv help some.

Good luck.

SOunds ridiculous, but when a doctor told me it could be hormones.