13 Month Old Throwing Public Temper Tantrums!

I dunno...but that's exactly what I would have done! Was it effective? Did he finally stop? It may hit him one of these days when you have to remove him from something he's really enjoying. And I would also recommend reminding him of the "no screaming" rule before you get in certain situations. I am now having to talk with my 27 month old every time before we play with other kids about playing nice and not hitting or pushing! It helps. And I too would simply remove him from any situation for not listening and following directions.

You did exactly the right thing!

Don't yell, hit or panic.... just remove him from the situation, and ignore him. He'll soon learn that behaving that way means an end to anything fun, and that you won't engage with him if he continues.

Hi J.

When my Greatgrandson was small (around 2yrs)he used to get mad and hit something or kick the door casing and he would through his little fits and scream to the top of his lungs, I would just walk away from him and leave the room where he couldn't see me and he would stop in a couple minutes. The doctor said if they don't have any one to see them through their temper tantrums they will stop, it might take a couple times to show them it is not impresing you and they will stop, its worth a try.
Nana

I totally agree with Diana

That's what babies do.
He wasn't happy and that's the only way he can tell you.
The first thing you have to learn to be a mom is self-less-ness. You can't be all about yourself.
A 13-month old isn't old enough to act the way you would like in a restaurant or anywhere else.
He is not old enough to understand that you were embarassed.
When you got home and shut him in the bedroom, he had no idea what your problem was.

It sounds like you were mad at the baby for being a baby.

It sounds as if you need parenting class - get this asap because you need to understand a lot more about child development. You have no reason to be 'embarrassed' hunny, really, but you do need to be armed with knowledge and understanding and develop the skills you need 24/7 to parent this child - Mommy and Daddy asap.

Is there also any Mother's group you can sit in where you can see / experience and learn what other parents do in these scenarios?
This s NORMAL but you can make it worse and fail your baby now and in the long term - if you have no idea what you are doing. The psychological is often less emphasized when Moms are learning to be Moms in favor of the physical needs and this a great pity. There's a LOT to learn.
BEST of luck and good wishes.
A

It's hard to deal with a meltdown in public, when other folks are looking and you imagine they're thinking terrible thoughts about you. But I can tell you that a lot of us (moms) are remembering when our own little ones did that and feeling sympathy for both of you.

He's not throwing a tantrum (that comes when they're several years older). He's just a baby who's learning he can't control what happens to him AT ALL and doesn't have the words to ask you for help. He's growing up and having feelings frustration that he never had before, and he's overwhelmed by it.

You did the right thing taking him out of the situation. But it sounds like then you left him alone in his room as punishment. It's not fair to punish him for what he can't help. He will learn how to cope without falling apart, by trying again and again. You don't need to punish him to make him learn.

These things happen more often to babies who are out in public when they're hungry or tired, or just out for more hours than they can cope with. You can help him by planning ahead. If you have to have him in a situation that's hard for him (restaurant, supermarket), make sure it's after his nap and not before, and make sure he has a snack first. Don't try to do too many things in a row with him in public--he'll get tired and his new coping skills will just disappear on him.

Be patient with him, he will learn and it will get easier for both of you.

Obviously, your son was uncomfortable for some reason (pain somewhere, tired). Its challenging when he cannot communicate with you and tell you what he needs. I believe, my job, as a parent, is to teach my children how to express thier wants and needs in a respectful and clear way. And as a mother of a 21 year old and a parent educator for 15 years, I can tell you, it takes decades to teach that skill. The more you can slowly teach him that all important skill in a loving & respectful way, the better off you both will be. Keep up the great work!

I think you did a great job - frustrating, I know.

We use a "naughty mat", so we can move it AND take it with us in the car - or use a blanket or towel as a mat. That way the bed or his room doesn't become a place of punishment. His behavior is associated with a moveable object...since I want him to enjoy his bed. You could have one in the car, make him sit on it and then return to the restaurant. Our son use to scream because he WANTED to leave....but I couldn't just allow him to scream, so he got what he wanted...but with the mat in the car, it was immediate and at that age, it worked well....and we returned to the restaurants.

Here's what I told another mom:

We have a willfull 21 month old that we have been sending to the "naughty mat" since he was 12 months old. It's the ONLY thing he responds to.

This is how it works: We give him a warning...they understand at 12 months, regardless of what people tell you. (The sooner you start to parent, the easier it will be.) Then, if the behavior continues or happens again, we put him on the naughty mat. (You can't just threaten, you have to be consistent, or nothing will work.) We move hom to another room, onto the mat - he usually finishes his tantrum without us watching, but we are still listening. We give him another 10-30 seconds (depending on his age) of him being silent and then we go over, have him stand, explain briefly what he did wrong, have him give us a hug and we tell him that we love him and we really enjoy him behaving.

At first, we had to put him back on the mat sometimes 3-20 times, as he would crawl or walk off - but with the consistency - it's WORKING! He finally getting much easier, knowing that he can't push us.

We bought a carpet sample for a few bucks and we can move it anywhere. We also used this for our first son, but he didn't need it until he was about 2.5 years old. We were on vacation in a hotel and he was misbehaving. I asked him if he wanted to go to the naughty mat? He replied with, "You don't have it here." I went into the bathroom, grabbed a hand towel and put in on the floor....then I asked him again. He was perfect the rest of the trip. Our 2nd son isn't so compliant....but it still works like a charm.

We aren't into negative reinforcement. We do TONS of positive, but for this age and this child...this is the only thing that works for most of his behavior modification.

PS: We taught both of sons sign language, but the first one only used "more" on a consistent basis. The first one, had 30 signs down. Different kids...like night and day.

I remember those days. Truth is somedays my children didn't care for the plans I had for them. I think you chose a good option by taking yourself away. It's pretty difficult to persuade a child of that age to act differently. Always take the best option you have for destressing yourself. Training will probably have to wait a few months before you get much response.

LOL, we've all been there and now that I've been through it, I totally ignore it when I see it from other families in restaurants.

I second other posters who said don't worry about what other people think.

Last, I think people should practice eating out at home. It is unreasonable (and befuddling) to a toddler who is allowed a certain behavior at home at the dinner table to be reprimanded for the same behavior at a dinner table at a restaurant. For him, it looks pretty standard; people are eating and talking and he wants to participate too.

Also, at one year of age they just don't have the communication skills so they get your attention, or make their feelings known anyway they can.

This behavior is normal for a child this age. Avoid going out to eat with him until he is older. babies get very bored having to sit at tables for any period of time. Wait 6 months and try it again. If it still insn't working wait a few more months, and so on. Putting him in his room isn't going to work. A 13 month old, developmentally speaking, won't understand, and therefore there is no valuable lesson in it. That would be a consequence you might use on a 4 year old but not a baby. There are a lot of very good parenting books out there that might help you with undersanding what to expect at various ages of developement.
I do understand your frustration though! I have 3 children and been through what you are experiencing 3 times! Try and be patient and educate yourself a bit, as it really makes it easier once you have an understanding on what is normal for different stages of development.
P.S. Don't ever be embarrassed by your baby. If some one doesn't like his behavior while dining and they don't see that he is so little, they can live with it!

J.,
You did the perfect thing. Put him in room and tell him you
do NOT approve of this kind of behavior. They totally understand what you are talking about . DOn't forget that. You are the Adult and he is the child. You don't have to get upset , just set the ground rules and stick by them.
They will test your nerves every step of the way.
Hang in there you are doing a good job.
N.
Old person with lots of wrinkles from Kids!!

First you want to make sure he's not hurting anywhere. Maybe a bite or sting from a bug or if he ate something hot or not good. Maybe some other children are teasing him behind your back. If none of those things, then let your server know that you will be away for a few minutes and if they can keep your food warm. Take your child out of the restaurant (away from other diner's) and hold him very lovingly and talk to him gently and ask him what's wrong. Talking calmly helps to sooth the situation. Singing sometimes works to stop the screaming or looking for things like birds, people walking their pets, the color of cars, anything to take his mind off of the screaming. When he's calmed down, let him know that it's alright to go back inside to finish your meal but he can't scream because it's not allowed in the restaurant. Love him and remind him that he is your BIG boy and that you enjoy having lunch with him, without the screaming. If he does do it again, then slap him silly(just kidding). Just tell him that you will have to leave and take the rest of the food home to eat later since he can't scream and chew his food at the same time.

I'm sorry, I'm sure that was tough on you. Keep in mind, this is pretty typical. Did you ever figure out why he was screaming? Tired, bored, hungry, just vocalizing? At this age it is very hard for him to tell you what he wants and sometimes screaming and throwing tantrums is how the little ones communicate. It is our job to first, not worry about anyone around you, who cares who is watching, focus on your child and try to find out what is wrong. If everything you try doesn't work then, yes, time to go home. But don't let your anger get the best of you by punishing him for something that he did that was so age appropriate.

Hang in there, this probably won't be the last public tantrum so find a way to deal with it that benefits both you and your son. He needs you during these times to be his rock, his soft place to fall (sorry, that is so Dr. Phil). People will stare when a child is screaming but tune them all out. We've all been there.

M.

Dear J.,

Not sure if this will help, but I had a situation like that with my son when he was younger. He was a bit older, but it should still apply. I was out with my realtor looking at new houses and this one house had a room filled with toys! My son was in seventh heaven. But, when we tried to leave, that is when the tantrum ensued. My son was never prone to throwing tantrums, so this was a bit of new territory for me too. So, I walked him calmly out to the car, strapped him into his car seat and closed the door. My realtor and I stood outside the car until he stopped crying. It gave him a chance to settle down and to understand that throwing this tantrum was not going to get him what he wanted.

Since then, mind you my son was older than yours and was more able to understand, we just tell him that we do not accept tantrums and if/when he does throw them, he can do it in his own room because we don't want to hear it. Or, if we are out somewhere, just remove the child from the situation and take them someplace where they can "have it out" without disturbing anyone else. Sometimes, just sitting in a chair and holding him/her until they calm down. This was my solution for my son's only one other tantrum which was in a public place. I took him aside and just held him until he quieted down.

Hopefully this will help somewhat. I know every child is different and this may or may not work for your child, but every solution can potentially be helpful!

Take care and good luck!

It is normal for children to throw temper tantrums. As your child language skills increase the tantrums should become less common. In fact, your child is just trying to tell you what he wants and showing his independence. Don't be embarrassed by them as all children have them. When I take my kids out to lunch we bring lots of little toys and snacks to hold them over. I also give them breaks and take them outside on little walks. You can't really expect a baby to enjoy going out to eat for more than a few minutes so be prepared.

It's called manipulation.
You are doing the right thing in brining on the consequences and sticking to them. You are his parent, not his friend.
Be strong. He'll love you for it.
good luck

Hi,

You did the right thing by removing him from the situation.

He's a little young for the normal terrible twos behavior - something might have been bothering him vs. just throwing a temper tantrum.

For future reference though, here is a link to a video answer for this specific situation by parenting coach, Bette Alkazian, LMFT on mommywood.com. She tells you how to follow up after leaving the immediate situation - this is for when your son is a little older.

Hope this helps - there are also a lot of other answer clips for different situations and all ages.

http://www.mommywood.com/content/node/543

Good luck!

K.
mommywood.com

ps- don't worry - it's normal and we all have have our stories like yours! :)

Sounds like your child's intelligence is increasing faster than his ability to effectively communicate what he wants, needs or feels. In other words, he probably didn't want to be there or you were there too long or he was bored...some kids can't take these kind of outings for long and being too young to effectively communicate with you...he communicated as best he could to get out of there. I suggest, for now, saving these kind of outings to either (1) when you have a sitter and are on your own or (2) pick a place that he might enjoy (like with interesting surroundings/kid friendly/play area).

Did you bring lots of things to keep him busy or entertained. I am always amazed at the moms I see taking their kids to boring places (in a kid's eyes) and they have no activities to keep them happy except a spoon or a straw (BORING!). I used to go to my daughter's dance classes every week and the siblings never had toys or activity options. I always would pull stuff out of my cars to entertain them and then they'd be fine.

Well, best wishes and try again when you have more energy!

You should try to figure out why he did what he did. Here's an article on temper tantrums:

http://gagazine.com/3-tips-for-teaching-your-child-to-sto...
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unfortunately that won't be the last of those, but little by little you can reduce the struggles. one thing I would do with my toddler was explain where we were going ahead of time and explain what kind of behaviors is expected. Then I would understand that, that kind of outing was not the funnest for him so I would carry a small pack of crayons and small notepad in my purse, or a tiny container of playdough to use during ordering times and after meals. He soon started to trust that I would always have his needs in mind anywhere we went and would listen a little easier as the time went by. Another tip I would use at a restaurant, was taking bathroom breaks to go do jumping jacks or bunny hops with my toddler. Again, he soon learned to ask for what he needed instead of insist and tantrum for his needs.

One last tip! (This actually turned out to be one of the funnest times together.)

anything with water, playdough, jumping motions, calms and soothes a toddler.

Good Luck.

D.

Sorry to say, but the "terrible twos" start soon after babies' first birthdays and last until about 3 1/2. It is completely normal for babies to throw fits, and they don't care if you're in public or not. You have to remember that crying and yelling is the only way they know how to communicate. They're not trying to be naughty or rude, they're just trying to tell you what they want. You should NEVER punish a baby for "telling" you what they need. You were right to take him out of the restaurant. I would have taken him out to the car, waited until he calmed down and then gone back in. This goes for the grocery store, etc. too. You just have to be patient and remember that this stage will pass.

that's what I have done! Usually when my daughter did that she was hungry or tired. If your son continues to do this everytime you go somewhere you might want to speak to a professional to make sure there isn't something else bothering him. If it makes you feel better they grow out of it but I think it's good to continue to keep firm boundaries. He's trying to see how far he can go. Sounds like you have good instincts. Trust them

Rule number one: DO NOT WORRY WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU WHILE OUT IN PUBLIC. Consider their feelings, but there is no reason to get embarrassed. There is also no reason for you to have to end your meal to care for your child. The solution? simply pause it. Take your child to a nearby place where customers won't mind him like the bathroom, out front or in your car. Find a "time-out" spot. Se him on a bench or in his car seat and let him scream as long as he needs to, just like you did at home. Ignore him. If you say anything, say "I can't understand you unless you talk in your nice voice." or my favorite (my son is Cody) "Where is my Cody? You're not my Cody, My Cody has a nice face and uses nice words, I don't know who you are." This usually perks them right up, they are either truly worried you don't know them or think you're being silly. The first public tantrum you let ride out may be long, but if you stick to our guns and don't give in, let him calm down, explain that we can go back when we act nice like everyone else in the restaurant, each tantrum after that will be less and less painful.

He understands everything you tell him, even if he can't say the words, he understands you.

That's what babies do. He wasn't happy and that's the only way he can tell you. The first thing you have to learn to be a mom is self-less-ness. You can't be all about yourself. A 13-month old isn't old enough to act the way you would like in a restaurant or anywhere else. He is not old enough to understand that you were embarassed. When you got home and shut him in the bedroom, he had no idea what your problem was. It sounds like you were mad at the baby for being a baby.

You so did the righ thing. although now you will need to see if he continues to do his tantrums when you go out to eat.

Hi! Well my daughter just started acting that way recently. If we're out in public,I usually just get down on her level and look her in her face, with a stern look and tone to my voice, and tell her to "stop that and we dont act that way". Then I would leave if it was absolutely bad behavior. I wouldnt suggest to dicipline when you get home,only because at the age that your son is,he wouldnt know why he is in trouble. Because time has gone by since he was acting up. If my daughter is throwing a fit,I'll put her on the couch and make her sit,if she gets down, I'll put her back. That usually lets her know that she did something wrong. But it has to be right when the incident happened or they wont understand why they're in time out. Good luck! But just keep in mind that if your son is still 13 months,he is just learning about right and wrong.

You don't have to be embarrassed, as a mother of now teenagers, I remember those times. The only things you can do are try to calm them and then remove them from the situation, which you did. I can't stand it when mom's go to the store with an obviously tired or hungry child and drag that poor child screaming all through out the store while they casually shop. That's what really irratates people when the parents don't do anything about their screaming child. You obviously tried everything you could and then took your son home, so I believe you did the right thing.

My little girl just turned two and she's hit it hard. She does throw tantrums... usually when she's tired or hungry. I ignore it, waiting patiently until she's done, then ask her what she would like...and prompt her to ask nicely for it, always giving her a few choices because then she thinks she's in control. Before going to public places, I tell her all that she can do, and sort of what to expect. She then feels brave and prepared to do what's required.
When my daughter's throwing a fit, and I can't reason with her by giving her choices because she doesn't know what she wants, then I just wait until she's done, ignoring the behavior. Tantrums are a big part of kids' development. It's how you handle them that will either encourage it, or show them a different way. Her tantrums are few and far between the more I use Super Nanny's techniques...something must be working. She's more quick to say please when she needs or wants something, because she knows that's the way to get it. You have to be two steps ahead, smart, quick on your toes otherwise, they will rule your world and cause unnecessary stress for you.
Good luck.
R. (soon to be mother of three and older sibling of nine).
P.S.
I think removing them from the place just tells them that if they want to go somewhere else, throw a tantrum. Teach him how to act with positive reinforcement. And don't worry, every one who has ever been around children enough knows that temper tantrums are a part of life...and those who haven't, well, don't worry about them judging you...after all, what do they know?
Having kids isn't a mistake, and this isn't an adult only world, otherwise we'd cease to exist.

I was told early in my mothering expericence....every good mom must carry a screaming kid out of the park, market, or who know where more than a time or two. . I was advised, and found 5 minute warnings, prior to leaving someplace helps prepare the child, but there are those times kids just loose it... it's totally normal. Understand once they start screaming there is not a thing in the world you can do to stop them....once they are over that edge, at this age, they do not have the emotional ablity to calm themselves, so the calmer you can stay and the sooner you can remove them from the situation the better. Major thing....remember you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about...you are just doing your best to raise a little human being.
He is SO young.... show him love and patience and you guys will work it out. Every mom, from the beginning of time, has had to deal with a screaming kid! Enjoy it, embrace every moment....they grow up so fast!

Hi J.,

My 13-month old has had tantrums as well, but they started around 10-11 months old (and, fortunately, we were always home for them). There's always a reason for them. He was getting good naps in at that time, so I didn't think he was over tired. When I took him to a check-up with the doctor, I casually mentioned them and she asked me if his molars were coming in. I hadn't even thought to look. Sure enough, less than a week later, the day after another tantrum, one of the tips of his first molar broke through. After that, it was like night and day difference. The next time he was throwing tantrums, it turned out he had an ear infection. It's all a guessing game, but the last mom is totally right - just try your best to be patient and not lose it! It's so easy to, I know. If you blow it, just try not to be too hard on yourself because it happens.

Most of the time, my son doesn't even want to be touched when he's having a tantrum, but there was one time I was able to hold him really tightly and sing really softly to him until he calmed down. It took at least 10 minutes before he stopped struggling. Other times, I'll let him go at it for awhile and then when he seems a little calmer I'll pick him up and try the singing or talking quietly to him method. It always eventually works. It helps me stay calmer too because I'm focusing on the singing or talking.

J.:

When your son does this, please take him outside of the restaurant and talk to him, ask him what's wrong honey? if he keeps behaving like this, then stay away with him until he calms down. Children, like people like to be heard and he may not know the exact words to say, but with signs and symbols you can tell him or he can tell you.

As far as putting him in his bed and shutting the door, is not really a good thing. You need to try to stay with him until his temper tantrums pass. Putting him in his bed is a sign of shutting him down and is not good psychologically.

I am telling you this because I have been to therapy and this advice was given to me by a PhD in psychology.

It's not easy, don't worry about getting embarrassed. I used to think that way too until I got therapy and understood better.

Hope all this helps you.

hmm wow this is a hard one. have you tried removing him from the situation like to the restroom to talk to him and tell him that what he is doing isnt appropriate? or maybe try to go to a more child friendly resteraunt if you havent already. or maybe tell him that before you goto dinner that if he is a good boy that he will get a ice cream or a treat for dessert (if you allow that)