okay so i have 6 kids, 2 girls and 4 boys. My 14 year old is really really shy and "female issues". Like going to the doctor, bra shopping all that is seriously like a difficult task with her. I know its not the funest thing in the world but still its a little weird. My 16 year old girl came to me last night and was like "btw maddie (14) started her period" i was al ittle shocked, like why didnt she tell me? My 16 year old said that she told her on the way home from school that night and said she go it 4 months ago?!? she said she begged her to tell me, I try to really open with my kids and they know they could come to me about ANYTHING! My 16 year old knows that so does my boys, but my 14 year old im starting to worry about a bit. Is this normal? or should i talk to her? or what? any of you have daughter like this?
I would think if she has had it for 4 months now you would have noticed something? Like changes in amount of feminine products used, changes in how she acts certain time of month, when washing laundry? 14 is kind of late i would think for that.. my oldest started hers at 11 i was 12 myself. Yes talk to her and personally I would be worried
I was like your daughter -- my younger sister was just like your older daughter. I absolutely HATED to discuss anything "personal" with my mom. My mom was wonderful, approachable, open, caring, loving, everything I'm sure that you are with your kids. My sister on the other hand could talk about anything with her, no problem.
I'm just a private person. It's my personality. My suggestion would be to just be cool and say "your sister mentioned you started your period. if you need anything special - add it to the grocery list. and if you have any questions or problems, please don't be embarassed about coming to me." Then drop it. Don't push her to discuss.
I would have a casual conversation while doing something else with her and ask her why she asked her sister to tell you instead of telling you herself.
I would also ask the 16 yo her opinion about why her sister didn't tell you herself. The 16 yo might have some ideas to help her be more open.
You said she is very very shy. Perhaps she needs a bit of professional help finding out how to be more social.
I was very shy as a child and teen. What helped me most was for people to treat me gently, expecting me to participate even tho I was shy. I needed help building up self-esteem. I responded to praise and suggestions made by kind folks.
I don't think you need to force a conversation about it. I'm not even sure I would mention that her sister shared that with you. If it took her 4 months to be comfortable enough to mention it to her sister, imagine how long (if ever) it would take her to share something else with her in the future. Frankly, I wouldn't think it would be uncommon for a younger sister to go to an older wiser sister instead of her mom. I would have, if I'd have had a sister. There's a bond between sisters, or so I'm told. (I only have brothers, so I don't really know).
Anyway, what you might do is start paying attention for a casual private time that you could mention to her (very normal routine type thing, though--like, you sitting writing out your grocery list when no one else is around except she is nearby), just casually mention to her that "You know, you are about the right age to be getting your period/menstrual cycle starting. Do you want me to pick up anything for you from the store?" Don't push.
She sounds very private. I was and still am that way. I am much more open about such things with people I don't even know (and will probably never see again) and my doctor, than I EVER was with my mother. And she didn't do anything "wrong". It's just that I am private that way. There's nothing wrong with me and I don't need counseling for it. Neither does your daughter, nor does she need to be prodded to become more outgoing. Let her have her privacy, but casually, matter of factly, ask her if you need to buy products for her. She will appreciate you being frank and yet not nosy at the same time.
I remember you have had a lot of issues with your girls, especially with the 14 year old and initiating "the talk" way too late. She has had boyfriends, breakups and it sounds like not a lot of open conversation on your part. She doesn't feel comfortable with this and some people are more private.
Yes, you should talk with her! Did you ever discuss the incident of her older sister probably engaging in a sexual act in her bedroom? You may tell her that she can come to you but you need to reach out to her and initiate it. It usually is more successful when you start significantly younger.
You would probably cringe with what my daughter and I talk about but it has always been a two way street with communication. Nothing off limits from a very early age.
Some children are just very quiet and they don't like discussing anything personal.
No, I do not recommend that you talk to her. Just let her know that your available if she wants to talk.
Believe me, my mom was always wanting to know that stuff with me. I HATED talking ANYTHING adult with her. Its not that I was mad at her, or think her not wise or anything I JUST HATED IT. My mom had a habit of making more of a deal than it was, she would get all gushy, and try to tell me things i already knew. I didnt ever come to her for anything relating to puberty or sex. I learned most of it myself. SHOCKING I know. I was a little more advanced in learning so I did lots of reading. My friends in school told me most, and only some of it was wrong. She also didnt know I had my period until my sister complained I was using HER products. Then she really went all drama on me for not telling her, she bemoaned, she whined, she even loudly said to where the family could hear, about I dont trust her, I dont care to mention anything. I vowed from that moment forward she would NOT know anymore things about my personal life. I know she was just trying to help but she bugged me to no end. If she is more comfortable with the older sister, ask older sister to inquire and report to you occasionally. Sometimes shy girls are more likely to talk to a nurse at school or a aunt or cousin she is more comfortable with. If she one of those, occasionally ask them to check on her and see if she needs more advice or questions answered. I can tell ya if you outright ask her it will make her more secretive. I wasnt into anything bad, I didnt have sex till I was 19 I didnt do drugs or weird things. I was a normal, shy teen. I am a fine, well adjusted 36 year old with 3 of my own kids, 2 of which are girls. I wonder what they will be like when they hit 14!
it's an awkward time..teens..hormones..peer pressure..she's the 2nd child..usually they are more reserved than the 1st..she'll come around..let her for now confide in big sis..be patient!
