14 Year Old Son and Girlfriend Already Doing 'Intimate'things

Talking about abstinence is fine, but does he also know the correct way to use a condom? Does he understand that he has to wear one every single time he has sex, even if she says she is on the pill, even if she says she is clean or a virgin? Does he know how to talk to his GF about whether or not she is on birth control? Does he understand that if she gets pregnant his choices are over, the ball is completely in her court and if she keeps it he will have to pay child support for the next 18 years? Telling teens not to have sex is great, but they also need to know how to be safe if they make a different choice. Just because they are not in a bedroom or car when they make out does not mean they are not having sex, I knew many many people who lost their virginity in school at the ages of 13-15, and many of them lost it in outdoor locations like the woods.

Yes they are probably having sex.
Especially since 'he gets angry' when you take away his time with the girlfriend, I'd say its a pretty good bet they are in each others pants.
Make sure he has condoms.
Learning these things at a young age - is MUCH easier since the internet and smart phones were invented.
But even then - kids have been messing around forever.
My mom taught 6th grade for 30 years - and she knew some kids who were sexually active at 12 yrs old way before the internet was invented.
The urge to merge is strong - and he's not thinking with his brains - which is why talking to him is not going to get the abstinence you desire for him.

He's got too much free time on his hands - and you are going to have to risk his anger by getting him extremely busy with activities and sports.
You need to run him ragged.
Also - it might be helpful to be talking with the girlfriends parents.
Often a girls father will put the fear of God into a boyfriend - a time honored tradition.
A friend of my husband made a point of cleaning his shot gun every time a boy came to pick up his daughter.
While you can't control what her parents do with her - it would help if they also got her busy with sports/activities.

Do not forbid that they see each other - that back fires.
But do insist that they see each other while doing things WITH the family or with large groups of friends.
Invite her over for supper - no one spends any time in any bedrooms.

Keep talking to him about what he wants for his future - and how paying child support would be a real drain on his plans.
How nice it is to be able to spend your salary on yourself for awhile before having to spend it on dependents.
It might also help if you can find a mom with a colicky baby that he could baby sit for awhile so she could get some sleep.
Somehow an infant screaming for hours puts a damper on thinking about sex.

Additional:
I think we all want our kids to be happy - for the long haul - not just for some short term gratification.
That sometimes means protecting them from making some unwise decisions.
Being chaperoned at all times is a good idea seeing as he's proven he can't be trusted without one.

Gee if it were pets, cattle, sheep, etc I sometimes joke that it's nothing a little neutering wouldn't fix - but there's no doing that with our kids.

Your son is a freshman in high school? He apparently has too much free time!! Homework and extracurriculars (sports, school clubs, etc) should be keeping him very busy, especially if he has any ideas about going to college. And his "free time" should have plenty of "family time".

It's not about "having someone with them at all times" - the solution is, he needs to be spending more of his own time away from her.

Figure out a way to lessen his free time now before summer vacation starts when you might have a bigger problem!

(Also - it sounds like he is one guy who really should have condoms in his wallet. And if you want to say that's "tacky", like hickeys...think about the baby/child support alternative!!)

Your post has a lot of red flags, not just about your son but about your own fears here. You "want my boy to be happy." You emphasize that you like the girl and you like the girl's mother. You "hate" to not give them "any space" despite your admission that they are using the "space" you give them to have a physical relationship you know is going to lead to more and more.

Please try to read your own post -- especially the last paragraph -- as if you were reading a stranger's post. Can you step back and be objective enough to see that you seem to be afraid you will anger and alienate your son if you do the parental thing and tell him, no more "space" alone?

Can you set aside the fact you like the girl, like the mom, and fear your son? You're trying to keep everyone else happy here -- your son first, the girl's nice mom, the girl too (yes, she has a mental health issue if she has diagnosed bipolar disorder, but that is NOT a reason to treat this situation with kid gloves--YOU are not responsible for her being upset if they can't date)....But happiness sometimes isn't safe or smart, and a kid has to be unhappy for a time in order to be protected from his or her own very dumb choices.

I agree with B, who replied below: Your son has too much time on his hands. Does he have any activities? He should, and if he only has one and it's leaving him this much time -- he needs to be doing more. Activities, clubs, church if that's your thing, chores (be sure to reward any extra chores, so he doesn't see them as punishment). If these woodland hickey sessions (and yes, more is surely going on, or will any second now) are taking place on weekends: Time for family day trips to whatever interesting stuff is near you. More family time, more homework time.

If you tell him the girl is forbidden, he will only see her as "forbidden fruit" and will probably both defend her (because he'll think you are attacking her) and will sneak around. At least for now you know that they're going off alone, and yes, it's good that he does talk to you. But I'd start tapering off "dates." If they see each other, they do it in public places with a parent nearby, and at the same time I would -- without telling him so directly -- just start ensuring he is far too busy to have time to slip out to the woods, period. No more merely hanging out at his house or hers, and if he has friends who would let them meet at the friends' houses -- nope, you need to watch out for that, too.

At their ages, neither is driving, right? So they can't go off in a car unless an adult takes them. Use that fact to your advantage, mom. Only public dates, no more than X times a month, and you drive them (and I'd stick close by if it were me). Then you start tapering the dates off: "We're going to X for the weekend as a family" when he asks if he can see her.

Remember that if you say, "This is keeping you busy so you won't get Girlfriend pregnant" he's going to buck it and probably sneak. Just make it happen and do not make it about her, do not badmouth her in any way, just ensure your family is busier and busier.

Summer is coming soon. He should have a LOT to occupy him so they aren't hanging out. Summer can be a good and natural period for a break in a friendship or dating relationship that is getting too intense; use that time.

One big red flag: You say he gets angry when you question this. How angry? Does he act out? Does he get physically violent? Look at how he expresses his anger. That may need a lot of work and may have roots that aren't related to this girl but to his being unable to handle being told "no." Does he get angry when you say no to other things?

You don't mention whether his father is in the picture or whether he has another older male role model. It could help hugely if there is a father, uncle, coach, older guy he likes and trusts who could talk to him very bluntly about sex and why 14 is WAY too young, and how if they're "just necking" it IS going to lead to sex. He also needs to hear that condoms do not work 100 percent of the time, but kids are 100 percent commitment. Is there a man in the picture for him?

there are just red flags right and left here.

if they've gone so far as to decorate their space in the woods, i'm guessing that's romance central. i'd certainly be looking for ways to keep them out of their love den, and misdirection will be more effective than a parental decree.

i'm glad you talk to him about sex (all the time seems alarming, though, harping on teenagers is the best way to get them to tune you out) but if your only point is abstinence you're not even close to getting through. you need to live in reality, not dreamworld. and that means you need to know that he understands the big picture.

how are these conversations so open and honest if you also 'don't want to hear details' and refer to hickeys as 'tacky.' i'm not thinking that fosters the sort of openness you say you want.

is being tacky really your biggest concern?

there's a huge middle ground between giving them unlimited space to be alone, and having a duenna monitoring their every move. make your house the place where they can hang out, making it warm and welcoming and comfortable- and subtly supervised. if they want to go for a walk for some private time, let them know you'll be texting or calling every few minutes, and put a time limit on it.

you don't want to stand helplessly wringing your hands as they bound off into the woods to scrump, but you also don't want to be Teen Police.

make sure he has condoms and knows how to use them.

make sure he understands that this doesn't mean you're condoning him becoming sexually active.

have a good long conversation with her mom and get on the same page as far as household rules (no going into any bedrooms and closing the door, no lying together under blankets with lights out, no leaving the house and going off alone unless you are in frequent contact, and they understand that failure to check in will have unpleasant consequences.

lots of carrot and a hint of stick.

khairete
S.

This is a toughie. It sounds to me like the gf is a little advanced for your son. This is coming from a former teen Mom with 5 children ranging in age from 39 to 19. 4 of the kids are girls and a son who although he's 19 now, he's been dating since he's 15. One thing we have always stressed with him is condoms. He is very responsible in that aspect. But this isn't about me or my son. Just saying, I can see the situation from both perspectives. My advice is to have a very serious heart to heart with the girls mom. Discuss what you've mentioned here. The hickies, the private time they spend together and the concerns you have with the kids relationship. By limiting the time together between the kids can either backfire. Or make the situation better. In my opinion, it would make the situation worse. They will only sneak around where your prying eyes won't see them. After school, saying they are at a friend's house and having friends lie for them. I believe first of all, that you and the girls mom have to on the same page. First you should discuss birth control for both of them. Even if they haven't progressed to that point. But most likely they won't tell the truth if they have. Next, set the rules. If they want to hang out, tell them that it is fine, but it has to be under one of the parents roofs with supervision. The first time they break the rules, then they have lost the privilege of trust. All bets are off at that point. If they want to have trust they must earn it. If either of them come home with hickies. Same thing. You have told your son that they are not acceptable nor appropriate. It's important to to share your rules with the girl as well. And her parents..

Sorry there are several red flags. Dating a month and already doing sexual things? Walking in the woods and they have a little "space" they decorated? Seriously? BIG RED FLAG there.

Parents need to get involved. While I would not "forbid" him to see her, I would certainly put limits on their contact. Once that bull is out of the barn, its hard to put it back. He gets defensive because he is getting some and he wants to continue to get some because lets face it sex is awesome! He needs to get into some activities, he needs to spend time with his friends. There is too much time being spent with them together.

She isn't confused by gender, she wants to be called "they" because in her mind, "they" are one. That is scary too. This has escalated very quickly.

The parents need to engage and start putting some limits on this. You want your son happy? Well, being called Daddy at 15 won't make him happy I will guarantee you that.

OK so your son is doing the nasty with a girl,does her parents know this?are you ready to raise a grandkid,what about the girls parents,are they OK with raising a grandkid,while trying to figure out how to help pay for everything? prenatal care,obgyns, Labor,delivery,diapers??you can't put the genie back in the bottle,but you can have a real life talk with both of them about the cost of having a child before you can afford it..no candy coating,just hard facts..

They are having sex. Something no parent wants to think about. They will figure out how to do it even if you keep them busy. You need to sit down with both of them and talk about protection and what will happen if a life is created. The conversation needs to include talking about condoms and something for her. If you don't take this step, There will be a pregnancy at some time. This is not condoning, but protecting from an unwanted baby. Good luck M., It's all apart of having teens.

I've raised a daughter and my teen grandchild lives with me. I suggest you need to put a lot more structure into his life. At that age I required to know where they are and spot checked to see that they were there. Activities had to be group activities unless they were at my house or in another parent's house. I knew the other kids and their and their parent's phone numbers. I called from time to time. I took them when they went somewhere. No walking to the center until I trusted them and their friends. I loosened the reigns as I came to trust them.

I started this before they were involved with boys. You're getting started late so it will be harder to keep track. Definitely talk with the girl's mother. Ask her what she thinks about their activity. Ask her about supervision at her house. Encourage her to provide birth control for her daughter.

My daughter's and grandaughter's pediatrician made birth control easy. They encouraged having birth control. My granddaughter wasn't interested in boys and still she began receiving depo shots. My granddaughter's pediatrician said the way life is for teenagers now that birth control has similarities to vaccinations. My granddaughter has also had the shot that protects her with some STDs. This is available to boys now.

As others suggested keeping him busy will help. I also suggest that you limit the free time they have together. Have them spend more time at your house. They can have time tothemselves but doors are to remain open. Walk by the door every once in awhile. It would be best if you have a room, such as a living room, family room in which they can be alone while having an activity. Watch TV, encourage video games, suggest they find an activity. My granddaughter and a couple of friends like to cook. Perhaps plan with them so you can provide ingredients with which they can make their own snacks. Perhaps they could make a simple meal for the family.

I would walk the same path inthe woods and check out their special place. See if an alternative place would provide less privacy. Consider asking him to stay out of woods.

You are't responsible for how he feels. you are responsible for keeping him safe andteaching him responsibility. He chooses how he feels bchoosing how he responds