14 Years Old Son Again

I'm not understanding what the issue is here? What kind of choices is he making without consulting you? As long as he's doing his chores what's the big deal of HOW he gets them done? And what do you mean by keeping him busy all the time?

wow! a lot of us are on the same page.....your son seems to be a normal teenage boy. For me, the problem lies in your own defense of his actions & in your husband's absolutely intolerable attitude toward your son. Shame on your husband!

This is not something new for the dynamics in your family.....it's always been there. It truly sounds as if your DH does not accept your son as a part of the family! I cannot imagine what a young man of your son's age could do .....so very, very wrong....to create this atmosphere within the family. I truly believe the root issue lies with your own skewed idea of what a teen is capable of doing/how he should behave.......& the intolerance your husband shows toward him.

In the past 2 years, it doesn't seem as if any of this is improving. Please seek counseling....& find a way to save your son before the two of you push him over the edge. Please be very thankful that your son is your son & not out doing drugs/alcohol/becoming a daddy. He's at that age....with temptation before him & disrespect/lack of faith behind him. It's time for you & your husband to step up to the plate......your son needs you. Peace.

Seek family counseling.

I think you all need some new perspective. Your son has experienced a LOT of changes in his short life, most of them coming as he hits puberty. He sounds like a typical teenager, especially considering his NON-TYPICAL life situation (step parent, newsiblings, etc.).

The fact that your husband considers him a lost cause - at 14 - disgusts me. From what you describe, your son isn't doing anything horrible (he's not stealing, hurting people, being abusive, etc.). He takes short cuts on chores? Heck, does your husband do everything you ask him to do exactly the way YOU want him to or does he do it his way?

And keeping a child busy all the time doesn't allow them down time, time to relax, be themselves, and learn to entertain themselves. He's still learning who he is, and learning to be a young adult. I think mutual respect can go a long way. We always want our kids to respet us, but I wonder if we give THEM any respect or just expect them to fit our molds.

It concerns me that your post 2 years ago says your then fiance had issues with your son -and evidently that hasn't changed. What has changed is your son's behavior and attitude, which is perfectly normal in adolescence. It's also something that happens when children are subjected to a new "parent" who doesn't respect them or treat them as well as they should. Since I'm not at your house all the time, I don't know exactly what the relationship is like between your husband and son, but you are your son's mother FIRST. Have you read up or researched anything about adolescent males? I think you should hit the library or parenting area of the local bookstore. Teenagers often start slacking off on any number of things and they are infamous for making poor choices! Many, many (MOST) parents feel at some point during their child's adolescence that the child has been abducted by aliens! Have you asked your son what he would like to do with his time? Chores are great, and young people need responsibilities and they need to learn how to take care of things and themselves, but they also need free time and time to explore and participate in activities they're interested in -sports, music, clubs, church youth groups -there's a long list. Keeping him busy all the time is only going to burn him out and build up a ton of resentment. If he's constantly cutting corners on chores, then maybe it's because he has too many! Remember -he will have the rest of his life to work and do chores. He's still a kid, so he needs to be able to be a kid.

The last statement is the most disturbing of all -your husband has "lost faith in your son to be a better person"?!?! What exactly has your child done? Hubby is saying this because he's been caught lying a bit and is slacking on chores? Sorry, but it really sounds like your husband is the one who needs to work on being a better person. Please put your son first and don't keep him in an environment with a domineering male who belittles him or makes him feel nothing is ever good enough. I don't think it would be a bad idea for you all to go to a family counselor to discuss this issue and find some alternative ways to work through the teenage years.

Wow Julies posted exactly my same advice.

It seems as though you and your husband are really not educated about teenagers and their typical behaviors. Your husband has always sounded like he thinks your son should be a good little soldier, but your son is now a young man, with his own ideas and ways of doing things. Your son is not like his stepfather and is never going to be that way.

The fact that your husband sees your son as some sort of "lost cause", really makes me angry at him and hurt for your son. How on earth can a young man overcome such statements made about him, by an adult that has such an important roll in his life??

PLEASE get some books and read about this time in his life. YOU at least have to have an understanding as to why your son is acting the way he is before you can try to figure out a solution, to get him to listen to both of you.

If you want something done exactly a certain way every time make sure it is that important first. Then write it down step by step... . What kind of chores does he have that has to be done your way or your husbands way every time and exactly as you say?

When we gave chores to our daughter. We told her what needed to be done and then we showed her how we did it, but we left it up to her to do it her way. As long as it got done we were fine.

Take at look at where the problems are coming from. Are you a perfectionist? Are you a person that likes to be totally in control? Do you like being controlled by someone else? Do you have to live up to a perfectionist?

Now imagine how your husband would answer these questions.. How must your son feel.

Make sure you and your husband do give your son positive comments, thank yous, please... it will go a long way.

Ok, my husband and got guardianship of his 13 yr sister when she was 6. Long story as to why. Anyways, in the beginning she was rebellious when reprimanded (ur not my parents thing), but was still very well behaved for the most part. Things got better as we adjusted, but as I had my 1st child I found myself getting overly angry with her. I realized that I wasn't making the same connection with her as a mother-child. With our own children we are more tolerant and can feel an automatic bond/ love. This is what I think is going on with you husband. He may feel some resentment towards your son. I think the way your son behaves is normal, my daughter does this all the time!!!! Drives me nutts, but you have to choose your battles. Does your husband have any children of his own?

At 14 the aliens have abducted him I am told they return them around 18 but I am still waiting for that. My oldest is 15 he rushes through his chores, tries to convince me he vacuumed his room when I know he didn't, is constantly picking on his brother, I had to buy new dishes because he is in such a hurry to put them away he has broken about 5 bowls and I don't even know how many glasses- that seems to be the only mess he cleans up really really well. But you cannot lose faith they are teenagers they will return you cant bet their life on what they are now. The step dad has to remember being a kid as long as he is not in major trouble, drugs, legal, just talk to him, have faith in him, let him know you love him and will be there when he needs you. That is all you can do I am told they do come back. I am just hoping for the best.

what kind of choices is he making without consulting you and how exactly is he short cutting on his chores?

Above is the first thing i posted, however, i see you have received several responses from others. I won't give my entire opinion as it would only mimic some comments from every other post. I have a 16 yr old son, 14 yr old daughter & 3 yr old son. I'm also remarried which means my 1st two children have a stepfather, who i've been with for 12 years and i was a step parent in my previous marriage. Being a step parent and having a step parent can be VERY challenging situations. I don't know your situation, but the one thing i would like to reiterate is, make your son the priority right now. That doesn't mean you have to put your husband on the back burner. You and your husband are adults and "your" son is not. You have to be his advocate, his supporter, his MOM! He has to know that you're there for him no matter what.

You can read books as suggested in other post which is a great suggestion, but along with that, I highly recommend going to Focusonthefamily.com, considering you obviously have internet access, this is a phenomenal website, and something you can reference quickly and often. There's information on just about anything you could imagine, including situations like yours. You can type in the search field anything from blended families to how to parent teenagers. I would bet that your son is still the good son that you referenced him to be in an older question that you posted. You don't ever lose faith in him!

God Bless and Best of Luck to You!