Need Help with Teenage Daughter

Hi Sondra, I highly suggest a book by Dr. Kevin Leman, Have A New Kid By Friday, this book really works. I am not finished with it yet and it is working with my kids so far.

Dear Sondra: I realize I am late on responding to your plea on Feb 11th but I wanted to recommend Vanessa Van Patten for any of us needing advice, guidance and information. She is an author, life trainer for teens and a coach for teens and parents. She speaks at schools all over.

Here is a link to her website and her email- she is very helpful and has wonderful insight and guidance. She came to talk at one of our parent gatherings regarding our highschool teens.

http://www.onteenstoday.com/lakewood-systems-incorporated...
Email Vanessa:
____@____.com

She has a weekly newsletter she can send to you if you opt for it.

Hope this helps- I have a teen boy but a girl coming up the pike so I am holding on hard before arrival. All my best.

Pray Pray Pray for her.
Out loud. In her room. Over her while she sleeps. Outside her room. In your room. Throughout your home. Pray Pray Pray.
And ask others, who know and love her to pray for her as well.
Pray with her, after a fight.
Ask for forgiveness when you are wrong.
Pray over her items. Cry out to the Lord for her.
Soon she will be out of your home.
Sit down with her and listen and do your best to ONLY listen. Active Listen. Even if she makes hateful statements, just listen and acknowledge how she feels. Listen some more and pray pray pray for her and with her.
Spend quality time with her.

She is testing you and crying out for something she needs.
Most likely it's your undivided attention and affirmation.

Blessings on your journey.

I know this is late too but I just thought that I'd still share my experience. My actions may have been a bit extreme but my point got across. My daughter is 14 years old, does pretty good in school and is a cheerleader and on the volleyball team. We have a good relationship however we'd always get into huge arguments when I would call her out on some area where she was slacking and she would be really disrespectful and even go as far as running out. This last home she ran out and left home and didn't come back until the next day. I knew she was at a friends house but I will not have a 14 year old under my roof thinking that she can treat me however she wants and then decide to "run away" and stay gone when she gets mad. I felt like I created this "monster". Her father has not contributed anything. He has not been there for her at all. My husband, her step-father can only do so much because at the end of the day he's not her real father and their relationship got off to a rocky start but they get along well now. Also when she was a little younger my daughter dealt with anxiety and problems eating as a result of a choking incident when she was very young. We got through all of that but I think I overcompensated for all the things that she didn't have such as her father being in her life. Anyway when she ran away and decided to come back the next day I told her to pack a bag. She thought I was taking her to stay at one of my friend's home but instead I drove her to our local police dept and explained what happened and let them know that I needed a referral to a local group home for girls. I had already looked up the place and talked to them about the services they provide and knew this was what I needed. They were able to get my daughter in and I took her there and checked her in for what would have been 1 week. She stayed for 5 days before I let her come home after we met with a counselor. My daughter needed to learn that I am the one person in her life who has been there for her 100% of the time since the day she was born and if anyone deserves respect it is me. She needed to see how priviledged she really is and also if she is to function in the real world as an adult she has to learn respect right now. When I brought her home she got her room cleaned up and is maintaining it and has not given me any attitude at all. We will do counseling so that we can continue to make things better. Again, this may have been extreme but I made sure she was at a safe place and the point definitely got across.

Blessing to you and your daughter. I'm a bit late but just reading your cry for help! I'm not at the teenage years just yet but I have worked with youth for over 15 years. You both have so many challenges and I'm praying for you and your daughter. At this momemnt I can reconmend reading (5 Conversations you must have with your daughter) by Vivki Courtney, Boundaries with Kids Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend or Mom, I Hate My Life: Becoming Your Daughter's Ally Through the Emotional Ups and Downs of Adolescence
By: Sharon A. Hersh. Just some suggestions. Keep the faith and always give your uncondiontal love no matter what. Don't give up! Be encouraged.

NA:0)

Consider not only books about parenting but studying some passages of scripture, God's Word about the parental relationship as well as anger and forgiveness.

Colossians 3:20 "Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord."
Colossians 3:21 "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged."

Any person truly concerned about how God looks at their life (not by works do we have salvation Ephesians 2:7) but should desire that their life be well pleasing unto the Lord. This verse explains what God expects out of children and what makes him pleased and it is obedience to parental authority. No matter how her friends may look at it, if she is well-pleasing in God's sight then truly that's all that matters.

Not forgetting though that in the next verse it allows that (and she needs to know) parents also have a responsibility to raise their children in a right way. Hebrews 13:17 says, "Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you." This verse also points out the responsibility of authority is not just for fun, it's a duty God has distributed and along with that duty comes an accounting. One day there will be an accounting on how we raised our children, and it's not wrong to point that out to her. "These rules are for this purpose of protecting you because it is right according to the standards of the Bible. Your life is important to me and although you might not understand everything that is happening, I do care about you and want to help you."

So what would happen to the person that rebels against authority and causes grief in the lives of those they should be under? The verse does not say completely but it does suggest undesirable consequences, "for that is unprofitable for you."

So back to Colossians 3:21 - "lest they be discouraged." You have to present what would happen if you knowingly or unknowingly and perhaps did handle the responsibility of authority inappropriately and did discourage her. What should she do in that case? Ephesians 4 (paraphrasing) "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath, neither give place to the devil..." When our day is ended in anger and not resolving the issue, even with our parents, it allows us to be open to giving place to the devil for bitterness, anger, wrath, etc. as it goes on down the chapter to say also grieving the Holy Spirit of God (which is a whole other study by itself). Teens need to know that parents faults stick out like stars on a dark night, but it's not okay to just bottle up their offenses or anger. They can learn and young adults how to properly handle it without anger management, and that's by taking care of the issue on that day. You can also be sure to not end a day in a bad way for this very reason of protecting the relationship.

How is the problem resolved? Ephesians 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." It's saying "I don't like how this was handled but I know that God the Father forgave me for His Son's sake when I was unforgiveable, so I choose to forgive you also." And what if it keeps coming up and they keep handling the authority in a wrong manner? How many times did Christ instruct Peter to forgive when someone asked him for forgiveness over and over again?

She must realize that although diabetic her body was created for God's glory (Revelation 4:11) and that it is, if she has accepted Christ as her Savior, the temple of the Holy Ghost (Romans 12:1,2). The principle of sowing and reaping also goes along with the health of our body, if we do not put good things in then we reap bad health, if we do not take care of it properly then what should we expect other than undesirable consequences? But furthermore that if we sow good seeds of eating right things, taking our insulin, not sneaking candy & carbs, then we will reap the benefits of a healthy life for a long time to come. "Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." I Corinthians 10:31.

My purpose wasn't to preach, only to prove that answers can be sought primarily in the Bible because there is nothing new under the sun as Ecclesiastes says. I just wrote many of these same verses out for my younger sister because she and my mom had a hard week a few weeks ago. The outward reactions of the attitude are a reaction of the heart, don't forget to teach and address her heart.

And I leave you with a quote by Abraham Lincoln that has helped me deal with others tremendously and I think it would apply to the teen-parent relationship as well. "He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help."

Friends of ours whose teenage son was driving them crazy were affected by this advice: Quit listing all the ways your son needs to change and start looking at yourself, "what kind of parent does he need right now?" Be that parent.

I've been helped by this prayer for my daughter, "God, whatever it is you are doing right now in her life, use me to help you. Don't let me go my own way and work against you." This helped me avoid being "over controling" and too lenient...
blessings!

Just one more thought I wanted to add to all the great advice you got already (I have 4 year olds and a 2 year old, so I'm making notes for myself for down the road!). I don't know what you meant by "always been a handful," but I wanted to share my experience with parents who wouldn't let go and treat me like an adult until I moved 1000 miles away. I am the typical high-achieving, follow-the-rules, buy-into-the-system type first-born child. Spirited, bossy big sister, argue with every point my parents tried to make, yes, but ultimately complied. No drugs, no teenage pregnancy, no skipping school, no breaking curfew. I had part-time jobs from the time I was 15 to pay for clothes, extracurriculars and anything extra I wanted do, and I was solely responsible for paying for college. I did have it good because they kept a car for my use, fed me, housed me without rent, etc. Anyway, I just felt like they needed a little perspective sometimes. When we could have World War III over a tone of voice or which Baptist church I was going to this week, I felt completely disrespected and given no credit for all the good choices I was making. Clearly they felt disrespected, too; I do know this, but everybody reacting that way doesn't help! Something I read recently about this age-group was "We can't expect more from our young adults than we expect from ourselves." I don't think my parents really thought this way when they were nitpicking because they weren't really ready to start letting go and treating me like an adult.

I hope this didn't seem too harsh from the teenage perspective -- I speak in humility and trepidation for getting my own daughter through these days in about 13 years! I just encourage you to look for the positive as well, for any place that you can give her credit for things even in the midst of what feels like a war. Best of luck! And, by the way, my parents and I get along great now. They are great in-laws and grandparents who are always welcome in our home, and I love to take my family to visit them as well. V.

I know I am checking into this late and I see you have gotten some very good advice. I particularly encourage you to follow the prayer guidelines. God really does care and He can do a mighty work in your daughter's life..

Also, be sure that her diabetes is controlled. I don't believe sympathy is what she needs but she certainly needs to know that you empathize with her. Just saying that you know her disease is tough to endure but that it is what it is and all you want for her is the best life has to offer. Plenty of young people live successfully with diabetes.

My daughter always knew that I was on her side and that the advice I gave her was for her own good for the rest of her life. She and I spent a lot of time talking about consequences. "What would happen if you made this choice?" "What if you made this one." This helped her look at choices and invariably, she made the right one. She is the mother of a 15 year old daughter now and she uses the same approach with her and with her son, too, for that matter.

And, then if I can just say one more thing to parents in general. Please think discipline and not punishment. Check your dictionary to see the difference. If it weren't so late at night, I would look them up for you.

God bless all of you parents who are doing the best you can. I am pulling for you.

At 17 the best way to deal with this is not really grounding or punishments you would give a 13yr old. At 17 she is nearly an adult so talking to like she is an adult would be the best bet. How would you tell a friend of yours that what she is doing or how she is treating you makes you feel? THAT is how I would approach this with a 17 year old. I bet part of the reason she acts the way she does is because she is tired of being treated like a younger child and she is acting out in the only way she knows how to express her feelings too. I think if you sit down and have an adult conversation with her and tell her you how she has been acting hurts your feelings and you are worried about why she is acting that way, that you will get a better response than grounding. She has probably been overwhelmed with the protective nature of your household due to her diabetes. She probably just wants to be allowed to care for herself without intervention more. Ask her these things. If you have never talked with her like this before she may not respond well or respond at all but give her a few days and approach it again and ask if she has anything she wants to talk about. You might be surprizes with what she has to say.

I also recommend Parenting with Love and Logic, it works at all ages and has helped me and a good friend lots! They also have CD's which are great to listen to in the car or while working out. The phone operator will help you choose the right series for your age and issue!
God bless and yes, PRAY,PRAY,PRAY!!!

I personally HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic classes or reading their materials. Here are the list of classes the local Love and Logic instructor is teaching: http://www.keriparentcoach.com/447486.html Tell her T. sent you.

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world. And make sure you choose your battles carefully and avoid being too controlling. This can be a struggle for me.

You can check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com.

I'm chiming in late, but I'm the mom of 4 (fairly well-adjusted) adults. I'm a 'laid back' parent who is more like a child myself than some of my kids (personality difference!) Keep in mind that 17 yr olds used to be marrying and starting families (I was 18 when I got married and this May will be 33 yrs). She really IS a semi-adult, and she needs guidelines, not 'rules' and 'regulations'. Josh McDowell's quote of 'rules without relationship lead to rebellion' is quite true. We DO need to be their friends as well as their parents; it's just hard to find the balance and not over-do one or the other. Think how she would handle life if you suddenly died or had to go across country for a few months, and you'll probably realize that she's much more mature than you're giving her credit for. I'm sure you've reared her WELL! Now realize that you can't 'rear' her forever. Your position from now on out is more like 'mentor' than 'enforcer'.

Good luck and God bless!

Hi my perspective on this comes from being only 23 yrs old with a one year old right now. But I remember my teenage years really well. Me and my parents had different views on everything. Personally I would like to say that unless she willingly goes to church don't force that issue on her. I hated my mom for making me go to any kind of chuch because I wanted to make my own choice on religion. The people at the church my mom went to and made me go to treated me like I was nothing but trash that didn't deserve respect.

The thing I remember most about being a teenager was that the more my parents came down on me over the little stuff and then turned around and didn't talk about the issues the more disrespected I felt so I acted out to prove a point they never did understand. I grew up to fast and didn't get a chance to have a "life" because all I ever heard was grow up.
Talk to her in a neutral environment since the setting can create tension. I'd ask her flat out do you feel like I don't respect you. and that should get her to open up a little. Just take it one step at a time and realize sometimes a kid has to learn things the hard way before they can understand what you tried to tell them. Just remember if you are overprotective it can make her feel suffocated.

Hello Sondra, I am so late responding to this, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have read some of the responses and they are all good. I have a 15 year old daughter also and let me tell you for the last couple years my emptions had built up so much that I was beginning to have feelings that I did not like to feel towards her, I was ready to give up or at least that was what I thought. I actually wrote in also and the moms out there gave me very helpful suggestions and things to do, as well as encouraging words. Yes Pray, pray and pray for continued strength to make it thru. I had a heart to heart with my daughter as well the beginning of this new year, and I told her we can't have another year like these past ones, so we both have to work together with this, you have a responsibility as well as I do. So I must say so far this year we have had a good relationship, knock on wood.. My prayers are with you, it will all work out.

i know you have already left update but i hope you get this my husband also has diabetes type 2 they didn't catch till he was 16 in our 15 years together i have found that when his sugar levels are up he is a pain in the back side, crabby, short temperered and just not fun to be around when under control things are great. You may want to make sure she is keeping a close eye on those levels. It makes all the difference in the world around here. Good luck with every thing..

Hi Sondra,
I do not have a 17 yr old, and I do not have a daughter, but I do have a nearly 15 yr old son. So I won't begin to compare apple and oranges. Just remember the age.. 17!! Don't you remember being 17? Man, those were the days right? However evenso, they were also trying times as a teenager, or at least they were for me. Lots of things were happening, lots of things going on. Its just part of being a teenager. I remember giving my parents H***. Its just part of a teenagers job. This response was a light hearted one to say the least, and it was very well intended to be. Sometimes we have to stop worrying about the small stuff. She's a teenager. Just keep up what you're doing, be consistant with the pumishment. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. ;) Hug your daughter and be very thankful that you have her bitter lil self in your life, because it could be alot worse.
Bless you and your daughter, and I pray things get the way you want them.
D.

Hi Sondra, I just read your request and response today. I thought I might add one thing. Sometimes we don't realize that our children have emotions and feelings and it is usually the things that they "believe" about themselves down deep within them that they don't know what to do with, and it comes out in anger, rage, disrespect to parents, etc. It can be things like, I can never measure up, I am not loveable, I am not trustworthy, I am a failure, I must be stupid and many more. What you must remember is that it doesn't matter that you feel as though they are none of these, but consider that this is their truth or "lies" that they believe about themselves at this time. When she lashes out, calmly ask her.. how does that make you feel when you say that or act that way. then listen to what she says. Remember it is not about you... but about what she "feels" or believes in that moment.
I can't really go into more in this forum.. but this is start at looking into what is truly deep inside of her. God bless you in your journey.

Quick suggestion...this works for me when I get my mini road rage attitudes! Ask her how she would speak to you if she could picture you as one of her best friends parents. Or someone she looks up to outside of the family. Sometimes, this can put some perspective on the lashing out. I know that any good kid (almost adult!) has empathy and if she thinks about you as a person and not as a mom, maybe she will reconsider her actions and words. She is too young to fully grasp the fact that family are truly the only people that will be around for her in the worst of life's problems.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Hi Sondra: I went through a similar faze growing up. For entirely different reasons, however, she probably feels a little trapped. I can't imagine going through so much at such a young age, with diabetes and everthing. For me, I had a boyfriend, he lived here with his dad part of the time and then with his mom in Georgia part of the time. I live in Tulsa, OK. We are now happily married - 8 years now- and have two beautiful children. But, when he had to leave to go to Geargia, he was gone for a year, I was crushed. My mom - God Bless her, never asked me to talk about it. She was never nosey about my feelings. However, she gave me more freedom and let up on me. She treated me as an adult, included me in her decision making, allowing me to make my own decisions. I remember calling her from school, for no reason imparticular, and telling her I wanted to go home. I had never done that before, but she called in and requested that I be let go. She never asked any questions, never judged, never even brought it up. It wasn't because she didn't care - believe me - she did. But, there comes a time when a parent has to make a transition and begin treating a child - 17 isn't really a child any more - but start including her as though she is an adult, with love, compassion, and guidance. I think you will begin to gain her respect. Good Luck !

My 20-year-old is MUCH nicer to me now than when she was 17. She still has her moments (as hormones shift), but I keep in mind three simple things:

1) I don't react to her reactions to my rules and requests;

2) I let her have her feelings without denying her that basic right, without arguing about something as personal and intangible as a feeling or impulse reaction;

3) I don't take it personally if she loses control and gets offensive.

By not fueling the fire, I know all will be well, and you'll both learn and grow from this.

Sondra,
I am surprised no one suggested the book "Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" by Anthony Wolf. I love this book and have used it in my job as a counselor and as a mother of an 18 yr old. He talks about adolescense being a time to turn away from childhood which means turning away from parents. Teenagers struggle with wanting to be an adult and not wanting to. Dr. Wolf has some very good ideas about rules that are appropriate for the older teens. I have seen parents and teenagers go through the most turmoil when they have (or had) a really close relationship. I think it might be because the seperation is harder. She could be struggling with guilt, as many youngest children do, about leaving you and creating the empty nest. I have had teens tell me this. It would be helpful if she had someone, like a counselor, to talk to and help sort out her feelings.

Sondra,

I have two daughters, one is now 27 and the other is 22. I went through the attitude stage with both my girls. I learned each girl was different. I tried at first the grounding and taking "things" away. I then stopped and would listen to them and ask why they are doing what they are doing. I would then ask them what they felt their punishment should be and let them know I would come back in a few minutes with their answer and to my surprise they would give themselves a harsher punishment than I would have. In all of this I had to always remember I am the adult in the situation my child is still a child and needs rules, but room to grow and they also need choices and I have always given my children choices - their choices, and if they choose to make the wrong choice, they will have to live with the consequence. It worked for our family and my son too who is now 20. It was very stressful at times, and with my husband in the military and gone most of their teen years and only myself as the parent I prayed, but was very consistent. I hope this helps.

Hi Sondra,
I totally agree with Cynthia. Our teens' lives are so different than ours were, it's almost like living in another world. Very hard for us to understand. But in my opinion, and I offer this kindly, you need to let go of her a bit more. In another year she will be able to do whatever she wants. Oh, how I remember 17!!! And the awful fear that came with 18, when I realized that now, I really COULD be on my own--if my parents wanted to let it be that way! I think Cynthia has some wonderful ideas--sit down with her and talk to her as an adult--I know it's hard to think of our kids that way, but we have to do it. Maybe it was easier with your son since he was the older one and a boy. But this may be a part of her resentment, too, that you treat him differently because he is older. (Yes, I am the youngest in my family, and it's hard! Sometimes harder than being the oldest!) My daughter is 22 and we had a really rough time when she was 17 or so. But it DID pass, and everything smoothed out just fine. My son is 19 and we are still having a few rough patches. I always try to remember how I felt when I was 17, or 18 or whatever age they are at the time. IT HELPS. Congratulations on your 25 years of marriage! I hope this helps. You aren't alone--I think lots of times girls conflict with their moms at this age very heavily. But I do think you need to treat her in a more adult way--do away with these punishments and such. At this point, they aren't constructive at all. Let her see you as a PERSON rather than as a PARENT. It's okay to tell her that she has hurt you, and it's okay to let her see you cry, even. Sometimes, that will bring it home to your kids--that you have feelings, too, and that you aren't perfect, either.
C.

I'm late too. But think of this as the Terrible 2's it will also pass. If you think back to her whole life there where years that she drove you nuts and years that just passed by with easy. Every couple years they give us a run for our money. See what they can get-a-way with. I hope the heart to heart worked and continues to work. I know there is alot of people that say you need to be the parent not the friend. But there comes a time when the parent is locked out, and the friend can get in the window. You can be both you know. Before getting to the argueing. Listen as a friend first. Hear her side and I mean hear her. Then let her hear your side. Then ask her how you can come to an agreement. Whether you leave her alone to think about it and you also think about it, or you talk it through together. We all think our oppinions are the right one. But sometimes it's got to be a compromise.

Tell her she needs a job, beleive me it works. When they realize that even at work there are rules and things they don't like to do they are much more understanding.
Plus they realize how hard we work for our money. Show her the bills so she understands what things cost. Try to open her eyes to what she can't see.
Good luck. Sometimes we just have to use tough love. But when using tough love make sure she understands this is because of her choses, not yours. If it's better somewhere else let her try it their then. Best wishes to you with this problem. J.

We have an 18 yr. old and it is so hard to know how to discipline a kid/nearly young adult. I graduated from high school when I was 17 and was working full time by that age. Ask her to sit down and just hear what you have to say. Tell her that you will treat her the same as she treats you. WE ALL have consequences for our behavior and others treat us accordingly. Tell her that if she wants to be treated well, it's simple, treat mom and dad well. If she wants to be treated with respect, mom and dad get treated with respect too. None of us want to argue with the kids. Remind her of that and that it is now up to her to help set the tone in the house. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully it will be new and good beginning. Oh, by the way, I was a terrible/rude/hateful 16-17 yr. old but it stopped about as quickly as it started. My mother and I must talk 3-5 times a day. We just shake our heads about those "monster" times! She tried to ignore my nastiness as much as she could to help the situation not heighten. Thankgoodness for that! Good luck and pray for those days to pass quickly for her too!!

I developed Type 1 diabetes late in life and I just wanted to mention that when my blood sugars are high I find everybody more irritating and am more prone to lose my temper. Just in case that is affecting your daughter too...

try to find a counceler that specializes with kids and teens. mallory is probabally going through alot of pure pressure and may be she also needs to see her own dr. cause her diabetic meds may need ajusted. also teens do get hugh attitudes cause they believe they are so grown. during the summer, request her to get a p/t job and help out with food and help around the house. try to set up one on one with her by you and her spending time together and her dad and her spending alone time and all three of you. set up dates to do this a couple of times a month. try not to push to get her to talk cause it wont work. good luck and bless you.

WOW, you have already received great input from the other 4 folks. The book does work, my son is using the principals in his home and says it works. I agree that if you're still treating her like she is 12 then you need to change that and talking on an adult level is a wonderful idea. But if those things don't work and quickly then you use them in combination with things like taking the tags off of her car. that's something we would have done. You have to figure out what is important enough to her to change her behavor. You just keep on till you find it, everyone has that "one thing" that gets their attention. I know it's very tiring, physically and emotionally but i promise AFTER she's out on her own, she'll realize that there was purpose in the things that you did and some day will thank you. Good Luck, you're on the right track. R.

I think she needs Church with a good youth group that helped my 15 year old get steady. She never has desrepescted us and has always been honest. Jesus plays a big part in settleling these nerves teenagers have when they get bored,they seem to lash-out at who they love tha' most give her flowers for Valentines even if she don't deserve them but 'cuause you really love her I am a diabetic and diabetic can get depressed after awhile after being one for so long check into it K.

Hi Sondra
I know I am a little late but i just joined and read your update. I too will be celebrating my 25 this December. I have two older daughters and we went through many many struggles with our 2nd oldest.

I now have a 15 yr old at home who has an issue with respect. I would like to thank you for your post because I will now get this book and use it in hopes that it will help.

Sondra,
I have raised three girls my oldest is 20 and the other two are 18. Pray and smile alot they go through a stage I am sure God designed to make it easier for when they want to go and live on their own. I do want you to know that it will pass and she will love you and respect you again. It is quit normal though and I did find keeping them busy with a job so they are earning their own money and not just expecting you to pay for everything helped. Most of all love them inspite of themselves. God Bless you Sondra always remember it will all be worth it. There is no easy way out!
J.

I saw the follow-up you posted today, and had something to add. One of my friends at church (whose children are now grown and out of the house) told me that in the last couple of years they are home, they become nearly unbearable, and she had been told by someone else, that it was God's way of making it easier for a parent to let go, when it's time for them to leave the nest. I really hope you have peace soon with your situation. Good luck.

It's normal for kids to start pulling away from parents and wanting to make their own decisions at that age, but she still needs to follow the rules in your house.
I made it clear to my daughter that she didn't have to be happy about it, or even pretend to be happy about it, but she was still required to do certain things as long as she lived in our house.
As long as she got done what she needed to do, I didn't care if she griped about it.
If she didn't get it done, she lost phone, internet, and going out privileges. I even took the tags off her car a couple of times. She got the message.

It DOES get better, and they DO grow out of it.
After she moved out and had to do EVERYTHING for herself, she realized that her workload at our house had been easy by comparison. Now when she comes to visit, she OFFERS to help with whatever I'm doing at the time.

I know what you are going through my 18 year old is the same way not a bad child just showing me disrepect. Only thing is she is in college. I asked her what her deal was and she said She didn't like being told what to do. I then told her to get a job and pay for her car and college. And her disrepect changed for the moment. Stop paying for everything let her see what you do for her and try talking with her and not at her and listen to her. Let her be in on some of the decision of punishnent you might be surprised

Hi, I just saw your post- I don't know how I missed your first one. I have a 16 year old diabetic son (who was diagnosed before he was one). Luckily, we read Love & Logic when he was 2. He knows about choices, losing privileges, and the word BUMMER. We have brought him up in church and now he has a wonderful (college age) friend that helps him when he gets moody. My son helps the friend when he has family problems. I know that hormones play a big role at this time in your daughters life. I remember being awful to my mom at that age. Luckily, they grow out of it around 19 or 20 and then you'll get your real girl back. Let her know you love her "no matter what"- even when she's not nice. Blessings on you.

Sondra,
I don't know your Christian experience, but prayer was my number one tool. Lifting my daughter continually in prayer, put the problem in the hands of the problem solver. The Lord loves you and your family and would empty heaven of every angel to come to your aide. Pray for guidance, and you may be directed to seek anger management counseling for her. I'm sure you practice unconditional love. While not condoning her behavior, you love her inspite of it. It sounds as though she's dealing with a lot of stuff on a personal level, and needs help working through it. The Lord will show you what to do. Give her to Him. It may not happen overnight, but He'll give you your daughter back better than you could ever imagine. I know, because that's what He did for me.

Let her also get a part time job.. this will make her appreciate all you do. I suppose you buy her clothes, pay for school lunch.. and on and on.. maybe even help her with driving costs.. or teaching her how to drive.. stop all of it.. make her get a job... tell her you won't pay for this and that.. let her see all you do.. and she'll appreciate you more. My son is only 12 but has been dog sitting, cleaning up after dogs, taking garbage out, watching his sister, picking up peoples mail when away... and on .. he made over 300 last year.. I told him he could start buying some things for himself, he put 1/2 away in the bank and used the other half to buy a bike... we also gave him some money to show our respect for him. he now sees that we do a lot for him... but he really appreciates the things he buys for himself. this fall he went and bought a gaming systems with more money he has made. he is responsible and much more caring towards us. good luck..

Sit her down, talk to her and find out what is really going on in her life and what is wrong, you may have to try counseling. Above all pray without ceasing, thank god daily for your child & let her know she is loved regardless of what she is going through, what she has or hasn't done.