We adopted a little girl and she is as sweet as can be, except when she is tired. She will scratch you, pull hair and sometimes bite. We say No, but she laughs at us- We know she is testing us- We adopted her from Guatemala and she knows what we mean when we say no, as he shakes her head no at us and will stop,except when tired- I have taken her out of the situation and put her down for a nap. I thought it could be an language barrier thing, but she does understand. I tried a time out ,but she is too little for that, as how do you tell her to sit there for 30 seconds? I tried, but maybe I need to be more consistant?! We have a great dog he LOVES and kisses ALOT, but she bit the dog in the ear the other day and I yelled No and she kept doing it, so I slapped her hands ( not hard) and she kept doing it and then I took her away and told her No and sat her in a chair and told her Owee and NO bite. Any words of advice?!
I also struggle with similar things. I have a very strong willed daughter also.
I would recomend the book
The strong willed child. By Dr. James Dobson.
This is pretty common. When children in this age group are tired, hungry, or bored they act out. I've experienced this firsthand with my children and toddlers at the daycare I worked at.
Overall, it's easier to head off trouble before it starts. Then nobody gets cranky :) For example, if you know she's tired by 1PM, try preparing her for nap time at 12:30 or 12:45. Personally I found this works: 12:30-Quiet activity like putting the dollies to bed for a nap, singing them night-night songs; 12:45-Tell child Sleepy Time is coming after a short story, Read book; 12:55-Insert a quiet time CD.
She may protest. Introduced this routine at daycare and took a week to get kids to adapt but eventually we got all kids napping so well parents began using the method at home. They swear it works at night too.
You didn't say anything about how you feel when she does these things. It sounds great that you say no and remove her from the situation--in other words, you are helping her to change behaviors when she doesn't seem to be quite able to do it herself. Stay sweet and gentle with her as you take her out of the situation, and know that she is trying to communicate with you when she bites and scratches. Maybe she is trying to tell you that she is tired and wants help in transitioning to a nap. Or maybe it's something else. You will figure it out!
Dear K.,
Congrats on your little girl! I too have a biter, 6 years old now. Does she mouth everything? I mean my son will put every toy, toothbrush, spoon, pen, eraser, etc. He was invitro and is very smart. At 6 months he bit while nursing so hard I bled, he laughed. He bit furniture, his brother, his stroller. I finally spoke with an early childhood teacher from my church. At age 3 they can be tested for free by the school district, to see if they are where they should be. Long story short, my son was accepted into Early Childhood class, they worked with him, later was referred out to a child psyhcologist and has ADHD and pervasive development disorder, he also had Sensory integration disorder, where he needed to touch, mouth everything, liked bear hugs, squeezing. I'm not trying to scare you, but if you think it is abnormal behavior, excessive, talk to your pediatrician and get a referral. So much better to intervene early and get help ASAP before you get frustrated. She also may just outgrow this. Keep an eye on your reaction and her reaction, she may just be seeking a reaction. Good luck,
Signed, been bitten to bruising
Susie, age 42, two boys, 6, 5
K.,
16 months is too young for time out in my opinion. Distraction and redirection work better at this age. Just watch her schedule and stick to it. If you know she is going to be tired in the next hour, don't go anywhere or start anything. Start winding down for nap or bedtime. She may need a few quiet times a day if it is too early for bed where she justs listens to CDs or reads stories quietly.
When she is old enough to understand time outs (around age 2) you can keep her in place by putting her in a booster seat with buckles. If you don't want her to associate time out with eating time, get a second one at a garage sale or consignment shop.
Good luck,
S.
I had to laugh because I posed this almost verbatim question to my mommy girlfriends last week for my 21 month old. He is the same way... I dont have any advce I just understand. My daughter was never like that so it was new for me!
Hi K.,
I have a two and a half year old girl. She is not adopted, but I feel that the behaviors you are describing, were just like that of my 2 1/2 year old daughter when she was that age!! My other daughter who is 4 never went through a stage like that, but my 2 1/2 year old did. Maddie would bite, kick me and claw my face VERY tightly, so much so it would have a bleeding sore. If you think about it, there is a language barrier even with a child that is born in the states because they are too little yet too understand fully.
Your situation is going to take several months, if not a year or more to get over (Maddie still kicks at me sometimes, and she has been yelling "I hate you". I personally think it is just part of her and maybe your daughters personality ( they are strong willed, they are energetic and determined people.)
It sounds like you are doing what I did. Short time outs, I would always say ("What you are doing is not okay", or I would say "is it okay to hit Mom??". And, "You hurt Mom, that makes me feel bad" I also say "Use your words". I would also read the book (Hands are not for Hitting.) They also have other books such as "Mouths are not for biting etc." They have great illustrations so even a non-native speaker can understand. Also the books have great tips for parents on the back of the book!
Good Luck,
L. Pasley
I would strongly encourage you to use "time-ins" rather than time-outs with your daughter. By this I mean to remove her from the situation that is causing her to act out but stay with her while she calms down. She's tired, has little impulse control (and even less when tired), and needs to know that you'll be there to help her when the going gets rough. You can also tell her "No biting! Biting hurts! If you're mad, come tell Mommy, 'I'm mad!'" or something like that. She's too young to get it yet, but you'll be helping her learn how to use words to express frustration. Also, that way, you are encouraging her to come to you rather than biting, and telling her that you will help her calm down.
If you are concerned that giving her your attention will reinforce the biting, consider how you would feel if you were having a terrible, horrible day, and your husband came home and you snapped at him for no good reason. Then he proceeded to yell back at you, "Don't yell at me!" and leave, leaving you to calm yourself down. Now consider the same situation only this time your husband says "Wow, you must have had a bad day" and gives you a hug. Would that make you more likely to snap at him in the future, or would it help you calm down faster and feel like you had a great, loving husband? I'm not suggesting that you let her bite people or animals, but rather that she appears to be doing it when she's at the end of her rope. At that time, she needs your loving help to calm down. At other times when she's rested and receptive, you can work on empathy and impulse control.
My second daughter was a biter and I can say from both my experience and lots and lots of reading and talking with other moms of biters that unfortunately there isn't a magic bullet that will make her stop biting. She'll probably bite for awhile and will need to be watched like a hawk when she's tired. You may as well use the experience to help teach your daughter that you love her no matter what and that you will help her to calm down when she's feeling out of control.
Hi K.
We also adopted a child from Guatemala and he is 14 months old. He will hit his head or pull his hair when frustrated. He understands quite a bit of English but is only using a few words-which is the normal development of language. Max also shakes his head no but is inconsistent in his intent. Sometimes he means no and other times yes. Since he can't communicate fully he gets frustrated. We have taken his hand and rubbed his head saying gentle. My advice is to just be patient and redirect your daughter and with continued language development she will communicate more of her thoughts. I am a speech pathologist so if you have any other questions feel free to ask. My pediatrician said he sees these behaviors quite often in children who are adopted. I don't know if that makes me feel better or not. Good luck.
Sally
I have an adopted son, the same age, who does that very thing. It usually signals that he is very tired or very frustrated. In both cases I remove him, use a firm hold, sometimes wrapping him in a blanket, and we use pacifiers extensively. He seems to need something in his mouth to curb that urge to bit (he's also teething). This most always works - either he calms or falls asleep. Timeouts are too vague, and if I respond with a harsh voice he will either smile or try to hit me, so I remain calm and redirect him. For now it works.
I am 49 and have seven children (23 yrs-16 mos.) - three biological and four adopted from MN, some w/special needs.
They call it the terrible two's and three's but it usually starts much sooner. The other ladies before me have very good ideas. I have not dealt personally with scratching, pulling hair and biting, but I do know that it is at this age that they start understanding just enough to know what they are doing is wrong, but they test you and do it anyway. There is also still the language barrier to a degree because children this age don't understand every word we say. I have a 3 1/2 year old boy and an almost 19m old boy. I went through the "I'm doing something wrong but I'll smile at mommy when she tells me no or to not do something" with my eldest and now I'm going through it again with my youngest.
My daughter did the same thing when she was that age, she is 4 now and is still "emotional" when tired. I found that if i put her to bed at designated times it worked better. She was very over tired and just simply mean! Bed time was also hard. time outs I found don't really work at that age. Consistancy is really key, plus your daughter is almost 2 and it will just get worse before it gets better. Sleep is key as well.
We have a 22 month old who does the same thing. We have put him in time out since he was about a year. We just set him in a corner when he gets too rough and tell him he can come out when he can be good. (Its never longer than a minute or two before he comes out.)
The other thing I have done is hold his hands when he pinches/scratches. He HATES it when I hold him down, so I will just hold him in like a handcuff hold for a few seconds and say no.
It takes a lot of patience, but hopefully they will both grow out of it soon.
In my daycare, anytime a child hits, bites, scratches, pulls hair, etc. I will immediately sit them down on the floor. If she is in your lap, put her down and sternly say no. If she is by the dog or another person, walk over right away, sit her down and say no. If you do this every time, she will learn. Slapping her hand (even gently) and yelling teaches her to hit and yell. Our kids learn so much more by what we do than what we say. Good luck!
Yes this is normal, but none the less frustrating. My 5 yr old was that way. Although she never bit, she would scratch, pull hair, and kick. Usually this behavior was when she was tired. Unfortunately she has never liked to sleep. Even at 5, when she is tired she is aggressive and mean. When I can get her to sleep early and to sleep in, then she is able to divert that energy to positive things, like homework. She is in first grade and it has really helped her to keep her mind challenged. I think it is a trait that a lot of strong willed children have when they don’t know how to handle there emotions and energy, and of course everything is more intense when tired.
My 16 month old will bite, hit, and loves to pull hair. Fortunately she likes to take her naps, so the frequency of these behaviors is less then it was with my older one. However, even today, she bit me while playing. She was just so excited and went to kiss me and bit my cheek instead. Using sign language helps her a lot. She doesn't get as frustrated. Although, if she signs that she wants something and I tell her no, she will usually through a fit by hitting me or throwing a temper tantrum. That is when consistency of telling her to behave nicely and showing her how to nicely kiss or touch comes in handy.
Single mother of 2 girls, 5 yrs and 16 months
I would say keep doing what you are doing- a lot of the times they will do it because you are giving them so much attention. I don't think that its a lang abrrier since she has already been with you for some months. Thats great that you adopted.
