18 Month Old Crying..

I think he needs to connect with his birth mother more. I don't think you should be visiting him so much. I know you want this transition to go smoothly for him but he needs to understand who his mother is & that he's there to stay. Just my opinion. I hope this helps, P.

My heart goes out to you, to his biological mom and mostly to him. Sounds like he was very lovingly taken care of by your family, bonded with you and is still confused about the transition back to his biological mom. Do you have any concerns that she is neglecting him? Doesn't sound like it. I wonder if you could make a book with photographs of all of you and his mother with text that talks about the fun you have together, how much he is loved by everyone, etc. and read it alot in the time he is about to go back to her house. Or maybe a book just about the two of them together... Maybe that would help with the transition.
I wish you the best and good for you for being a foster family!!

Hi,
I have to agree with Pam. As a former foster mom, I've transitioned many infants and toddlers. You really need to step back and let this little man bond with his mom, and learn to trust her to meet his needs. What's happening right now is that you are sabotaging his mom's ability to parent her child. I understand how hard it is to see him struggle with leaving you, but he will recover much more quickly if you step back just a bit - and keep in mind that children adjust much more quickly than adults! Perhaps you could be more helpful by supporting his mom by phone, without visiting as frequently, spreading visits out further over time for a while. That way you would know he's okay, you would be assured that mom is doing okay with him, and they can become a strong, healthy family unit. Obviously, you don't want him to feel that you've abandoned him or fallen off the face of the earth. And once they've established their parent/child relationship, it is absolutely appropriate for you to share in any milestone celebrations (like birthdays, school events, etc) and holidays if that works for you and the mom.

I hope you don't find my response harsh, but this child sounds confused. Love him enough to let go and let his mom take your place. There's plenty of time in his future to form a new kind of loving relationship with him as a favorite family friend. Trust me, it works. We just attended the High School graduation of one child who left us at age 2, and the 17th birthday party of another who left us at about age 18 months. We are 'grandparents' to the child of one of our first foster children. Many different children, many different relationships. It's all good! Best wishes -

Hi I don't know if this would actually help but maybe you could try talking to him on the phone once in a while in between visits so he can hear you more often and maybe he wont be so upset because he will know that he will hear you more often. Good luck!

I wonder if a lot of this is his age. He transitioned back at one year and he is now 18 months, the prime period of separation anxiety and you were his primary parent for key months. I thought the ideas of photo album and phone calls sounded like they might help him know that you are still there for him even when he is away. That way, he may not feel such a loss when you are separated. Maybe even have his mother call frequently when she is away, if her work allows it. It might help him know that she remains important (and his mother!) when he is with you.
My parents stay with us for extended periods, and we did have times when my son got upset at their leaving. He is now 22 months, and seems to be less affected by the transitions. I realize that it's very different because he had me throughout, but it was still difficult because he had such strong attachments to my parents (who stayed in our home). Maybe my son just learned what he could expect or he grew out of it (or both go together). But we also used photos and phone calls so that he knew my parents were away but not gone.
Also, I don't know how busy his mom's life is, but can she plan an activity or something to take his mind off the separation when you leave? This may distract him and help with their bonding process if it is something fun that they can do together. I always felt that transitions were easier when other people were around.
I know this is the opposite of other advice, but the other thought that comes to mind is trying a few weeks of short (hour or two), but more frequent, visits. This also helped for us. I think my son came to realize more quickly that the separation wasn't going to be too long or permanent.
Finally, are there ways that you can help convey that his mother is his mother--like deferring to her or asking her permission about various parenting questions in front of him. Also your reviewing her pictures with him might reinforce this (suggested by someone else).
I hear what others say about letting him bond with his mother. And I think he probably does need more bonding wiht her, but I really don't know enough about their relationship to judge. I guess I also think that he can get to the point where he feels secure in his attachments and loved by both of you. I hope some of the suggestions made by everyone are useful to you.