Son Acting Out

He loves you and wants to be with you. This situation is hard on him. It's a logical response to a not perfect situation. Kids want to be with their parents. There is no good answer. It's you he wants. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty it's just the reality.

Maybe you and him could pick out something special from you. He can take it with him wherever he may go. It will be like you are always with him. Somewhat of a security thing.

Mom,
Your bio states you are a single mom so there is know dad in the picture. The only stability your son feels is with your parents because he has,in his little mind, a mom and a dad. Pack your bags and move back home.

Your son is afraid you are not coming back.
Continue to reassure him that you will be back.
If possible come during lunch hour for awhile till he feels more comfortable.
Give him something he can take with him to remind him you will always be there.
Let him call you and say hi and tell him you love him and will be home soon. Avoid calling him because you may disturb a time when he is adjusting well.
Remember if all was well you would have been home with him for awhile, just the 2 of you, this time brings reassurance
he missed out on. Be sure when you are not at work you are spending quality time with him. If you have to do the dishes do them together, laundry, etc. I know it's contriversial but sometimes sleeping in the same bed can recreate the the comfort of knowing you will be there.
You have a lifetime to get him back to his own bed.

Please take the time to have your Son checked for Asperger's Syndrome it is a form of Autism. My GrandSon is 18 now but this sounds alot like him as a young child. God Bless T.

When my daughter was two she started going to her dads every weekend and every time i picked her up she would be moody and act out for a few days. It took her a long while to ajust. She is now 9 years old and still goes to her dads on the weekends and every once in a while on sundays she still acts moody once she comes home. I think it's hard for them to go from one environment to the other and it just takes time, patience and understanding. How long has he been going to daycare? Hang in there. In time it gets better. When he's at your parents does he ask for you?

isn't this hard. When I was going through this it tugged at my heart for many reasons. BUT.. you are his mother. THanks to Grandma for her help, but now the child needs to understand that he does not have a choice in the matter. If he is doing well with you and only acts up at Grandmas then maybe he should have to earn time with grandma. Tell him that in order to hang out with grandma he needs to not act out because it makes mommy and grandma sad. TEll him, " it makes mommy so sad when you act ......" get down on your knees and look at him in the eyes and show facial expressions. Also tell him how happy it makes you to spend time with him. Also tell him that when he needs something or something is wrong he needs to tell you, and tell grandma to redirect your son to you when he goes to her, rather than she making the calls.I went through this and it was hard. Now my son can't bear to be without me. He never wants to stay at grandmas without me. Before I couldn't get him to leave without physically picking him up kicking and screaming and then restraining him in the car. It will get better..

hello, i kinda went through the same thing with my girls. i dont know if the father is involed or not but your son might be feeling like he abanded. my kids father past away and when that happen they became very clingy to me, they thought that i wasnt going to come back when i left them with anyone including my parents. i had to keep reasuring them that i would come back for them, that i would never leave them. for me it was a trust issue that my girls are really just now getting use to and its been 9 yrs sense their father has been gone. you have to do what ever is going to make your son comfortable with you and your parents. im not sure if this helps you but good luck with your son and make sure that he knows you love him and that your doing what you have to because of what ever situation you are going through. and thats why he sometimes has to live with your parents....

Hi A. - Your situation is not an easy one but it will get better, it just takes time. Just hang in there and give your son as much re-assurance as you can. Explain to him that you will be back and that you love him very much. Even though you aren't able to live with your parents, it sounds like your parents are a great support system for your both your son and for you with the help they give. Your very lucky, a lot of people don't have that. Your son is only 3 and can't understand everything, but try letting him know that he has lots of love from you and his grandparents. Maybe you and your son can find some special activity to do that is just for the two of you. Go to the park or beach. Something that is just for him and his mommy. Hang in there, you're doing a great job. Parenting and life in general are not perfect and black and white. We are all given a diffrent set of circumstances to deal with and we do the best that we can. P.S. Thank you for the service you do for our country as well.

Hi A.,
It sounds like good ol' fashion, "he misses mommy and he doesn't quite trust that you'll be back to pick him up". Especially because he's lived with your parents, but all babies and toddlers go through this separation anxiety.

Double reassure him that you will be back. Find a way for him to understand (mark the time) you will be back; for example, right after lunch or after a certain tv show. This way he'll have a marker, a point in the day to look forward to. Also, give him something of yours that he likes (a scarf, a sweater, or get him a special lovely that signifies you) so he feels like you are with him while you're at work.

Hope this helps.
R.

What you're seeing is perfectly normal behavior for what your son has experienced. My oldest daughter was 2 when she was placed with us and I was "mommy" #4 in a 4 month period. There were several things I did even at that age to help with transitions. I started out with going back to the gym and leaving her in day care next door for increasing periods of time. I always left her with "Mommy is right next door and this is when I will be back." Then it's important that you're not late and when I picked her up I made a point of saying "See Mommy's back. This Mommy will always come back." After the first few times, we made a little game of "What do you know about this Mommy?" "Mommy always comes back".

For longer periods, I would do a simple "calendar". For day care, it was a list of the days activities and we'd look at which activity was the last before I picked her up. On rare occasions, I needed to be gone for the weekend. I did a simple table on Word with a column for each day listing her usual activities and inserted when Mommy leaves and when Mommy comes back. It sat at her place at the dining table and she crossed off each activity during her meals.

If the transition is still occurring (meaning he's still living with your parents), try transitioning by doing caregivng in each others' homes. I woulld go to the Foster mother's house in the morning, give her a bath, do her hair, get her dressed and take her to her morning activities. Sometimes we would take her for a weekend, but her foster mother would do the same activities at our house. It makes it easier to understand that the adults are all working together and he's not losing any of them. Look at discipline as well. All three caregivers (incl. daycare) should be on the same page with rules governing behavior. Are your parents more lenient with him? If so, the stress may be coming from the lack of set limits. Children need to know exactly where the limits are during transitions.

Also, try sending something of yours to your parents house and vise versa. When you send your item, try asking him to keep it safe and bring it back when he comes again. The more you can give him a sense of permanence, the easier the transition will be.

It's not an easy road and it won't be a quick fix. At age 7, we still need to be careful with her transitions to new situations. But once your son understands that the adults in his life aren't going anywhere -- just trading places -- it will get better.

HTH

S. in San Jose

Sounds like a tough situation, working full time and being so young without a partner. Do you have insurance? It would be great to go to a psychologist to get some help. Your situation seems very stressful without knowing what else is going on and why he is needing to go to your parents.

Good luck!

Tricia

That is so great that you are working on having your son back with you. I haven't been through this situation but my feeling is that going bak and forth between you and your parents may be making him feel confused and insecure about where he's going and who he will be with. Kids need predictability and stability to feel secure. If you can't have him live with you all the time right away, it might help if you talk to him each day about where he'll be going. Like in the evening tell him "Tomorrow you'll go to Grandma's house and the next day you can come home with me again" so he knows he gets to see you again. Tell him a few times every day so he knows what will happen.

OMG doesn't anybody out there care about the child? It is his life that is being disrupted, he never asked to be born let alone into a situation that doesn't accomodate him. And just when he's feeling secure and imprinting on parental figures you want to just come in and take that away from him? Pack your bags and move back in with your parents, when you have kids it becomes less about you and more about what you can provide for you children. He is acting out because he knows he has the unconditional love of his grandparents. He is confused! Think about the boy and what he needs.

I do not believe there is an easy answer to this transition. Think of this from your son's point of view. Have you thought of living with your parents to give him some stability? I cannot blame him for crying at daycare he is just a little one and just wants his mommy. Is there a way you can do less daycare and maybe have him stay with your parents. Giving him an environment that is warm and loving.
He is only 3 and the only way he can communicate that he is hurting is to cry. I know none of this is probably what you want to hear because it is not easy. But we must remember our children come first and all decisions should be made in their best interest.

At this age everything is black and white, either your there or your not there. When your not there he may feel that you will never come back. Before you leave him each day make plans to do something when you return. Call him, remind him that you love him and what you two plan to do in a couple of hours. He needs to know that mommy is coming back every time and then slowly he'll mature and take it as truth that yes, mommy is coming back. It will take time, be patient.

If it goes well with you and you are able to handle it, then keep him. Of course, not knowing what the issues were/are all I can really say is that kids naturally want to be with their parents and please them. It may be that he's happy to be with you.

hey A..
I could totally relate to your son. I too did live with my grandparents when I was born because my parents worked graveyard. When I did move back to my moms, I'd miss my grandma everyday. So my mom would let me call her at least once a day. As for daycare. I too did scream and cry because I didn't want my parents to leave. It took me a few months to get use to it, but I did. Just give your son a whole lot of extra support because these are pretty big changes for him. Oh yeah, my grandma made me a blanket to make the changes a little easier. maybe you or your mom could give him a comfort item too. well, good luck.

I'm guessing he in confused and insecure with the change and that's how he's venting. I would recommend you and him spending much time at your parents so he understands he still has both of you in his life. Lots of verbal reassurance that he is loved by all and this change in his world is not because of something that he did, just because mom wants him and can now take care of him, and that grandparents are sad without him but they want what is best, etc, etc, over and over and over, every morning, every night! good luck.

Possibly he needs to move in with you and stay...it is so confusing for a child to move between households.

At the age of three he does not yet have the capacity to truly understand the situation. If you are now in a position to maintain full custody, have him move home permanently. Ask your parents to make visits to see him as often as they are able, to maintain thier relationship with him, but to gradually decrease the length of the visit, and eventually decrease the number of visits per month to what ever will be "normal" for your family dynamic. This will ease the emotional bond for your child and parents and increase his dependence on you for his stability. It will take time and will get better. The key is consistency.

I am a grandmother, I know how important the family support group is. I also know that children want their Moms. They love their grandparents and their is a definite place and need, in their lives for the support of granparents, but Mom is primary...he needs you... Good luck.

A.: His behaviour seems really reasonable to me. He wants his mommy, not grandma/grandpa, not daycare, he wants you. How much of your time does he really get. He can't expess in words that he wants his mommy, unfortunately, he can only show you in a negative way. It seems as though when he is with you his behaviour is great, until he has to "go back." He will need LOTS of mother's love and understanding. I don't know the circumstances of your time away from him, but he needs you. Maybe you should move in with your parents, so he can have you and them. Think of his situation; he is in many diffent places, very confusing to a 3 year old. Good luck sweetheart.

J.

Perhaps he thinks you are leaving him again? Why is he back at your folks anyway? Go with him to visit them so he doesn't feel abandoned. He is ultimately your responsibility and your folks should be an extra advantage and a special treat, not a chore for them to do. Is his dad anywhere around to help you? Find friends with children to hangout with if you want some adult time. That's important as well for your well being. You are young and life is coming to you fast, but take the time to nurture yourself and your son. All my best.-E.

Could you move in with your parents so he can get to know you better without taking away the only things he knows?
Slowly take over the daily stuff with him. Maybe after he is confortable with knowing you as a part of his life you could move out on your own.

be patient he is nervous that he will lose his security. the home he knows. but also realize he is only three and acting out is part of what they do to communicate. try patience and tel him yo are there for him and listen to what he is saying. i knowit sounds silly but i have an eight year old and am a single parent and have seen a lot with my son. but when all else fails get and therapist to help you with intergration. they may have helpful tools foryou and your boy. remember they are the most important part.

Hi A.!

This issue can be super hard....transitions are difficult, and you have such a little one, whom it sounds as if he has been through a lot. I say consistency and a routine would work best, especially when he is with you. Even at his young age, talking it out can be the best thing, whether it is a schedule change or what favorite toy to bring with him to Grandma and Grandpa's house. When I was going through a pretty difficult divorce, my boys were the same way. When they would go on visitations to their dad, I would call every night to say good night, or if it was an extended stay, I would get a box of "goodies" (like little puzzles, their favorite cookie, etc.) together, like a care package, and send it to them. In regards to the clinginess, he can bring a favorite toy from "your" house and that way it is something familiar. My prayers are with you, and just try to hang in there, because until you have a pretty solid routine, even the most remote change can trigger him to be uncomfortable and stressed out. Hang in there .... :>

Hi A.. I've been a foster parent for 10 years so I've seen the exact behaviors you are describing. His acting out when he goes back to his grandparents is not necessarily a bad thing. That indicates he is very well bonded to them and he trusts them completely. This is a good thing. He has a safe place to let his emotions out. This will only help him in learning to deal with this transition. Because he is so bonded to him it proves he's capable of bonding and will learn to transition that extremely strong bond to you. The kids that don't care and show no emotions over changes like the one your son is going through are the kids that usually have severe emotional problems.

He is too young to verbalize his own emotions about this huge change in his life. 3 y.o. are just really starting to label emotions so to label and understand what's going on is just too much to ask. Something we always did with our younger kids was to say something like, "Gosh it seems like you always have a hard time when you come home from a visit with your mom. It must be really hard to leave her. That shows me you love her an awful lot. One thing I'm happy about is that you feel safe here to let out how you feel. Anytime you are sad or confused we can always find a way to help you." He is also at an age where he can see how most families are and is probably realizing his family is different. He wont' be able to understand why right now. It may be good idea to get a picture book about different types of families so that he can see that he has a great family with lots of people that love him enough to want to raise him.

Kids that aren't living with their biological parents can also feel like they have betrayed that parent because they care about someone else (their current caregiver). So his acting out could be his way of proving to you that he really loves you. That's why reasurring his love for you and his feelings of loving the grandparents is such an important part to his moving on. Over the years we found the kids that had visits with parents that were supportive of us had less problems with the transition than those that talked bad about us. The supportive parents would tell them they were being well taken care of and that it seemed like we really loved them (which we did). The ones that said things about us not being any good or not caring about them were the kids that struggled the most.

The crying and clinginess at daycare doesn't suprise me at all. The people he trusts most in the world (you and his grandparents) are not with him during this time and he is going through a major life transition. We sent our kids to school/daycare with laminated pictures of whatever meant the most to them. I hope this helps.