I'm Stuck in the Middle Between Grandma Vs. Hubby

You give a LOT of good reasons that this is a good idea. If your only concern is for the safety and well-being of your daughter during this time, then you are quite on the right track. If, on the other hand, you want to have a happy marriage, too (or a marriage at all) it sounds like you are in dangerous waters. If I were your husband I would be very miserable being ganged up on like this and having my opinion spit at. I can't even tell you how much it would hurt to have it shouted publicly that my wife was footing the bill for the daycare.

Having your own way feels nice. Being right feels nice--and you may be right in this. But nothing feels nice like having your husband adore you feels nice. So I protect that above all else.

How will your daughter feel being away from you and her dad? Will she adjust easily? Will she understand what is happening? Seems like she may be a little young to be away from her mom and dad for that long. I can see it working well for a child who is maybe two or so years older and able to comprehend things better. Just something to think about.

I feel your pain! I had two kids in daycare and was paying $1000 a month and I know that is cheap for 2 kids. I am surprised about the answers you got. We went on sitter city and got a nanny (cheeper for a nanny that to go to daycare). If I had that chance I would totally let my mom take my kids? I love my kids and would miss them something terrible, but at least I can trust my mom. At all of my daycare’s I had bad things happen. My youngest child had the daycare lady fall on him when he was an infant, my oldest fell of the changing table at his daycare and at another daycare he got bit all of the time! And these were supposed to be the best daycare’s around! Plus if your mom takes you 3 year old, what a great time to spend some extra time with your other two kids! Tell your hubby if he wants your daughter to say with you then he can pay daycare. Good luck

First of all, if you are married, you need to get your money together. Not mine and his. This is one of the top 4 reasons for divorce - money problems and not being on the same page with it. Check out www.daveramsey.com for some great information and budgeting forms.

As far as the traveling with Grandma, if your husband does not agree, then you cannot let her go.

I'm in the opposite boat. My husband wants to send our 3 children to visit grandma (his Mom) for the entire summer. I have vetoed it since the first time he brought it up 5+ years ago. As much as I love my MIL, there is no way that she could handle my kids. Also, I would miss them to death if they were gone that long.

Talk to your husband. See you if you can find out what is real reason is. I'm sure there is one other than the two listed above.

It sounds like you and your hubby have split up the finances & separate bank accounts, not sure if this is true just what it seems like. We have a joint account (has pros & cons) so I am not sure how you two have figured things out but revisit that and maybe splitting all the bills according to what each of you make (if you have not alreay done this). That is something you will have to sit down and talk to him about, if it is causing you stress you must address this with your hubby so he is also sharing in your troubles and helping out. Money is a big issue there are so many bills to pay but you should be going at the bill issues together as a couple not separately.

With your daughter going with your mom that is an idea BUT I know my hubby would "freak out" if I said she was going to live with grandma till school got out. He would miss her terrible (so would I) and he would do ANYTHING to make sure she stayed at home with us.

You mentioned that once school is done she would come back, are you a teacher so you have the summers "off" and your 3 year old would not be in day care then? If that is the case how long till school is done? If it is for 2 weeks I could see doing it. Yes it could be a good experience for your daughter and if you as a couple decide to have her visit grandma for awhile maybe she could go out for a week or so at a time and come home for a bit. She is only 3 and you are her mom, grandmas get to spoil so things may not be done as a mom but as a grandma (but with a good grandma this is not big deal).

If you feel that financially you can not afford to pay for your current daycare you tell your hubby as a couple with a family you both should be paying for the daycare bill, look at other daycares together and find one that will fit your budget, look at all your other options. You might need to lite a fire under hubby if he is procrastinating or being "lazy" on the subject by saying we need to figure something out otherwise younger daughter will have to live with Grandma till whenever (but I would only say this if I could not make the payment, no money in the account and so forth).

To me it seems to be more of a financial issue so instead of not having your daughter around for an extended time sit down with hubby and talk the finances over... if that has already been done say this is our best option (stay with Grandma for a few weeks). If you feel really strongly about your daughter spending the time with Grandma find out why he is not for it, give your reasons for it, if you have common feels against/for it say so and hopefully you can come to an agreement on what to do through a lot of talking. This may or may not have anything helpful or something you don't want to hear BUT that is strictly my opinion and how I would deal with this type of situation. So take it with a grain of salt, take what you like from it.

I personally would NEVER let my 3 year old son go for more then a weekend to grandmas. She watches him every day while I'm at work, so its not that I don't trust her, I would just miss him terribly, not to mention how much he would miss us. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happened to him and I let him go.

You have to look at it from your husbands point of view too, afterall, she is his daughter too. My guess is he pays for other things if you pay for daycare (but don't know that for sure). It may help you out to send her away for a little while, but she isn't going to be able to tell you what is going on and if she is happy or sad, she needs her parents not her grandparents.

Why don't you guys as a family go visit your other family during the summer, then you can all get to know the otherside of the family.

Good Luck with your decission, in the end it is all up to you and your husband.

There are some facts here I am confused about but bottom line this is a decision you and your husband should be making together. He clearly has reservations and those need to be addressed. If your mother is pressuring you to do this, then she is wrong for doing that as well.It is nice to have the offer to help but I could never give my child up for longer than a week without seeing him. Plus you have to think about how it would be on your child, especially a 3 year old who still really needs their mommy and daddy around.

While I certainly understand your concern about the cost of day care but I agree with your husband, not for the reasons stated since I am sure your mom will be great with her. At 3, if she hasn't spent much time away from you and your husband will be home sick for that long and being so far apart it wouldn't be just going in the middle of the night to pick her up. I take it that your two older children were from a different marriage and that is why this is coming up now and not with them. Don't dismiss your husband's feelings on this, come to a agreement that will be acceptable to each of you. Maybe he will pay the daycare bill instead of you. If your daughter has spent the night or weekend with your mom and is ok with that then maybe she could keep her a week or two, depending on how well she is doing, instead of all month.

Sorry I agree with your hubby. There is no way I would EVER let my mother or my mother in law take my 3-year-old away for more than a weekend and even at that I wouldn't like it that much. I know I am on the more paranoid/cautious side but what you are talking about sounds like it is quite a ways away and I feel your daughter is too young. If she was 8 I'd be a little more likely to send them then but defintately not at 3.

Sorry!

I don't understand what he means when he says "our daughter doesn't talk that well." Does she have speech issues? Is there a reason that being with Grandma would make that worse? More inforamtion would be helpful, I think.

A month seems a little too long for a 3 yr old to be gone from home. I think it would hurt her more than help. Maybe send her for a couple weeks at most.

That seems like a long time for a 3 yr old to be away from her parents and her home. It's good to get out and meet family but I wouldn't do it under that situation. You would be missing a lot of time with her, your husband as well. Daycare is expensive but I would keep her home and pay for it rather than have her away from both her parents at the same time at that age. Why not look into a cheaper daycare? Or find a high schooler you can get referrals for, that wants to make $ over the summer that can watch her at your home for less than what you pay at daycare. I would look into other options to save than to send your child away for an entire summer. I always look forward to spending the summer with my kids! If you make a move to a different daycare now, you could start saving big for a long time and you won't have to send your child on a vacation to do it. Plus, what if something happened to her, would insurance cover her where she would be at? Would your mom be able to handle her and her mother if something happened to either of them? Don't put yourself in the middle. That isn't a good place to be. That can cause some ill feelings. Keep it between you and your husband. Leave your mom out of it, except for the fact that she offered to do it, and now you and your husband have to consider it and get back to her. Good luck!

You've had a lot of responses already--just my two cents here:

Think about why this option appeals to you--is it for saving money? bonding with grandma? or giving you a break in your busy life?

You're talking about two months--that's a very long time for a three year old to be away from home and in a new place, even if her grandma is there. She needs you and your husband--would she really be able to understand why you're not around and why she had to go away?

Your mom's offer is generous--but you're THE mom here and need to care for your little girl, no matter the cost, financial or emotional. And could you bear to be apart from her that long???

As for your husband, he is her father, and he needs to be on board 100% before she goes anywhere, no matter who's paying for things.

I think you and your husband need to work this out with out your mother involved. This is a huge decision to make and not one that will be easy. I understand the logic behind it but I also see your husbands point of view.
It seems strange to me that you say you pay the entire daycare bill yourself, do you split all bills and have seperate accounts?

Your husband's feeling do count. You would miss your little one, and I bet she would not like being away from you. I would say keep your daughter home with you at all costs.

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with your husband on this one. NO ONE can replace a mother, not even a grandmother for that length of time. I'm sure your mother would take excellent care of your daughter - but she should NOT be separated from you and your husband AND her siblings for that long, a weekend at most is all I would recommend.

It is nice of your mother to offer to take her. Not every grandmother would do that, but your husband certainly has as much as a say in this as you do and it's NOT your mother's decision to make.

I do hope you make the right decision that is best for your daughter and your family.

I personally would not let my daughter go with her grandma for months at a time cause I would miss her to much. That being said Could you do it for a week or two on a trial basic and then decide if it is the right option? Alot of daycares offer to hold your spot for a small fee before filling your spot.

I think it is great that your mother is offering this to you but you have to admit, that is a LONG time to be apart from your child. Not to mention that this is your husband's mother-in-law (would you let your MIL take your child for that long AND to another state??) You need to talk to your hubby about your financial issues but do not put him down for not accepting this offer. My daughter is 5 years old and I cannot imagine not seeing her for more then a weekend at grandma's house; I wouldn't allow it either.

Well, I personally would not let our daughter (or son) leave us for that long of a time. My parents actually want to take our kids to Disney World for 5 to 7 days and we are NOT letting that happen. If we all can't go as a family, then we are not going. As of right now, the plan is for us all to go together.....

Maybe you could find an older lady in your neighborhood who watches kids from time to time and work something out with her. I know my Grandma does that and is way cheaper than daycares. She has watched probably 10 different kids throughout the last 4 or 5 years. She just does short term stuff to help people out....

Whatever decision is made, you two need to be in agreement together. If he is completely against this, I would not push the issue. She is both of your children and if he wants her with you guys, you need to find a different situation that you can afford.

A wise quote that I've heard is "PEOPLE AFFORD WHAT THEY WANT TO AFFORD...) Do you have cable? Do you go out to eat often? Maybe there is somewhere else you could cut as a family to make daycare more affordable.

you might not like the things im going to say, but please read it anyway. im a 'to the point' kind of girl... so bear with me.

ok, first of all, this isnt all about you, this is about your family. sure, this seems like a good option, but your husband is unsure and concerned, and that should be a GOOD thing to you. im not saying that he doesnt trust your mom, or that there isnt a reason to trust her, but your husband is your husband! im sorry, but HE AND YOU have to make this decision. im not at all seeing that you are stuck between grandma and hubby, i see and hear disrespect toward your husbands feelings and concerns, and you putting your and your mother's ideas and needs against your husband. its like you are taking sides, and you should be taking the side of your partner that you promised to love until death! even if you dont agree, your husband has concerns, and that should be respected.

what you NEED to do is to sit and talk to your husband, away from kids and other responsibilities. ive found that guys talk well when they are driving :P talk to him - find out what he feels. dont pressure him to go along with your plan, you may find that talking it out respectfully and consideratly might have him on board without even saying a word to force him! talk to him! find out his concerns! write them down. perhaps then the both of you talk with your mother as well if he has specific concerns that involve her. get his concerns and questions answered.

heres the other thing that you should be grateful for; your husband wants your daughter around! he doesnt want to be separated from his daughter for such a long time! hes obviously connected to your daughter in a complete and loving and wonderful way!! why mess with THAT!?! kids at all ages need their parents, but when they are younger they NEED their parents !!! its not going to be a very good idea to 'get rid' of your daughter for such a long time, at least not in my mind. im a child care provider, so i do have the developmental training to say that. if it were for the weekend, or just a few days, that would be different. but for a month-ish? come on ! dont you want your daughter around?!?! im sure that the time spent with your daughter, especially for your husband, is worth more than the money you might have to spend on child care. you have a 14 year old, cant the 14 year old care for the 3 year old? i was taking care of my little brother when he was 1 and i was 12, and i did great. sure, i dont know your oldest, maybe she is not mature or responsible enough, but give her a chance, perhaps let her watch the 3 year old when you are around, but busy, see how she handles taking care of a kid. older children are usually able to deal with siblings just naturally.... i dunno. :P ive seen a lot of siblings, and no matter if they are 7 months apart (for real!!) or 11 years apart, older always take care of the younger in one way or the other. so give your oldest a chance! perhaps pay her - even if its just a dollar an hour - or if its a special purchase or trip or privelege. perhaps, for every hour of babysitting she can earn an hour of friend time on the weekends or something. you CAN work this out.
but most importantly, you need to respect your husband!!!

i would HIGHLY recommend purchasing a book called "the proper care and feeding of husbands". its fantastic, and you are not the only woman to have troubles like this with her husband. what we women have to realize is that we have WONDERFUL, deserving, willing, and dedicated husbands, but the way WE treat THEM is appalling. im guilty of it myself, but since reading that book, my attitude, and my whole marriage, has changed for the better!!! ;D its all on your outlook! instead of thinking "my husband doesnt want our daughter to have this experience, he doesnt want to do this the way i want us to" you should be thinking "my adorable husband will miss our daughter TOO MUCH to send her away for that long!" - and that, my dear, is rare and BEAUTIFUL!!!! :D :D :D :D :D !!!!

I don't understand the comment about your daughter not walking well. Is she disabled? At 3 yrs old she should be walking fine but maybe a bit slower because she is little. I also don't understand the comment about she can't leave the state unless you go along. Your Mom should have a permission slip to get her medical attention in case your daughter needs it but otherwise I don't understand that concern.
Also it is only a little over a month before school is out for the summer. Daycare is expensive. As long as your daughter won't lose her place in the daycare I would let her go. She will have a golden opportunity to interact with family members she would otherwise not get to know.

School is out in only 2-3 weeks, I personally don't see a problem....after all, you mother did raise kids of her own so it isn't as if she has no clue as to what she is doing and she is a nurse. Granted, things are a bit different today than when she raised her kids, but it wouldn't take much for her to 'get into the swing of things' as she's been there before (as a parent).

As a child, I loved my time away with my grandparents (two weeks every summer) as my children do with theirs. My daughter especially loves spending one on one time with her grandmother and often asks to spend time with her, anywhere from a weekend to a week. She's 14 now but has been going since she was 3. It's special quality time that they both enjoy and won't ever be able to be replaced and besides, Grandma won't be around forever, she needs to enjoy any time that she can as it will make for great memories and a solid foundation for her as she grows up to have had that closeness.

Perhaps your husband would miss her, but that's a part of parenting, learning to let go a little at a time. Maybe he is concerned about her safety...it might be a good idea for your mom to spend a few days with you to see how you do things (discipline, safety, how to handle your daughters needs, etc.) so that your husband will feel better about letting his little girl go for a short time and make sure your mom is up to date on current parenting things such as car seat laws as well as knowing how to use the car seat properly.

I would talk to him again, find out exactly what his concerns are. It is in my mind that to keep a child from family is a serious thing and a legitimate reason must be given as to why not. After all, nothing is more important than family and a connection should be established as early as possible. Perhaps suggesting that you drive out there and pick her up as soon as you are out of school? I bet you could use a little family time yourself! Good luck hun!

Your husband is mistaken about taking a child over state lines. As long as your mom has your permission she is fine. You can write a letter to say that it's ok for her to have medical care if needed and your mom to ok it. You husband seems to be a little over protective of the little one. You may want to have a real heart to heart with him. It may be that he scared of missing something with your daughter.

Hi L., I see you have tons of advice, so I will just tell you my experience. When I was married the first time and we had a 3 year old daughter and financial issues, my folks could not help us w/a loan or anything like that. My husband was in college and I had a job w/a bank. So they took her in for about 9 months - we were in the northwest, my parents were in Hawaii and my in-laws were already deceased when I met my husband. He also had a 9 year old daughter who wanted to come live with us and I had to put my foot down and say no, cos I didn't think it was fair to have her come live with us (she was having shoplifting problems, etc.) when we couldn't even have our own daughter live with us.

My daughter, who has turned out to be a great mommy and wife got to be very close to her Grandma and Grandpa and got to be around my culture and my family; my step daughter went thru some things, but has turned out to be a wonderful mom, wife and woman also. I guess my point is, you do what you have to do. I think your husband should give it some more thought...we're only talking a couple months and hey, maybe she would come back 'talking' more and better, etc. Sure you would both miss her, but the stress and finances issues would lessen and that's worth it.

Good luck with it all!

I don't understand why it's you footing the entire daycare bill? I think that is a problem right there. I can understand why you'd want to maintain separate accounts for some things. But daycare is a FAMILY expense. I think that is a problem right there you need to talk about.

That being said, I have a 4 and an 8 year old. I certainly wouldn't let my 4 year old go that long. And probably not my 8 year old either. He'd love to go to the grandparents for maybe a week, but I can't see longer than that. I know financially it seems great. But preschoolers really do need the stability of their parents. And what happens at summer then for your daughter? Back to daycare, or is your older daughter going to watch her?

I think you need to really need to sit down and try to work with your husband. I'm sure when he says "She doesn't talk that well", I'm wondering if he means "they aren't going to understand her needs like we will". I think he's trying to be a good daddy!

One other thing. I have a nephew that spent several summers with his grandparents to save on daycare. Every year when they brought him back the transition was horrible and they had an awful time. The grandparents didn't enforce the rules and routines or even diet he was used to, and the whole family suffered for months after trying to get him back into his regular routine.

Good luck whatever you decide!

I think it's perfectly fine for your daughter to spend a month with your mother meeting relatives as long as your mother is prepared to never let your daughter out of her sight. In other countries this type of staying-with-grandmother thing is quite common...and in other countries families tend to be closer--perhaps that type of trust is the reason. I don't know.

On the other hand...wouldn't that be hard for you to be away from her for that many weeks on end? I think you might be trying this type of childcare a few years too early. Your husband doesn't sound supportive of the idea, and just like you he too needs to follow his instincts. I think you should do whatever the two of you decide is best...but it seems to me it isn't very realistic for a child that age. I am sure your mother did a really great job of raising you and you seem like you are a very caring and loving mom. I hope you make whatever decision is best for your daughter.

L.,

If your husband means legally, no you don't have to be with her for her to leave the state. Your mom could even legally take her out of the country if you had a permission slip notarized. My MIL in California is taking our eight year old for a week this summer so they can have some one on one time. We need to notify the airlines of who is picking her up, but other than that, it is really no big deal.

I would say talk to your husband again and find out what is really bothering him about the situation. Does he feel your mom can't care for her mom and granddaughter at the same time? Is there another relative in this state who he is worried about your daughter having contact with? Does he not want her to be there during the moving process? As much as I would miss my kids, it seems like a good solution if it is just for a month and you can trust your mom.

Good luck,
S.

I guess I would keep telling him what a great opportunity it would be for her. And it does make a difference that you pay for daycare, so that is your NEW choice in daycare. What does your 3-yr-old think about this? Does she realize that she won't see her parents for a few months!!??? That's a long time for a 3-yr-old. Good luck.

why doesnt your hubby help with daycare??...kinda odd-his kid to right?? i guess if you could stand to be away from your daughter that long...do what you gotta do...but just remember how busy 3 yr olds are....can your mom give her full attention while taking care of her mom??...what if she wants to come home,or gets real sick,or has an accident??...as a single parent an no help from my ex hubby on anything...i worked my butt off to support both my kids-plus daycare-12-16 hours a day....my kids went no wheres until their were able to pick up the phone an call home...but thats just me.....follow your heart-tell your cheap hubby to divy up daycare costs....jmo

This is good in theory, but I can bet you my last dollar, your daughter will want to come home in less than a week. I agree with Kris, if it's the matter of money, the you and your hubby should be sitting down together and talking about it. I know that everyone in your family would be thrilled to see her and your other children, but can you afford to go and get her if something were to happen. And if something were to happen, you'd be kicking yourself for letting her go. Why not plan on a mini vacation and take the whole family to go for a visit.

Tell your husband how much you spend on daycare a week, and let him know how much you would be saving by her going with grandma for the rest of the school year, or tell him that he can pay for daycare for the rest of the school year. I was in the sam boat with my husband, he is self-employeed and mainly uses his business account to pay fo things and we have a joint account, well I was the only one paying for daycare for our infant twin daughters. Over half of my paycheck was going towards daycare. I sat him down and told him what was going on how much was being spent and then we decided for me to stay at home with the kids - I still get a paycheck for taking care of my disabled son and he also gets SSI so that contributes to our family budget. For some families it works out for some it doesn't.

Good Luck!!

M.
P.S. I would so be in the spending time with grandma for the rest of the school year!! I loved my "extra" vacations with my grandma, and I still do.