Mom Seeking Some Husband Clearity.

Be honest with your husband about how it makes you feel. List your concerns. Also invite you mother in law here regurlarly. Come up with a reason. And pray for her. Is this her first grand child? I sort of have a similar situation even though my mother in law lives much closer, but I know it is hard. You just kind of have to stand up to the situation and pray for opporunities to talk about it when they will be receptive. And don't worry if you have another child she will be fine with it....

I think the best thing is for you and your husband to sit down and share how each of you feel about this. Then try and come to some sort of compromise. You really need to set boundaries with the family. Like maybe they can have a "special" day where they are able to take her, otherwise invite them over to spend time at your house. In the end she's your child and even if it makes people mad, what you say goes. If they're not willing to negotiate and respect your wishes then they may have to step back for awhile. Because it's all about her and what's best for her, so they need to be willing to put her first and your wishes. Otherwise it will cause you to be biter and uncomfortable. So set some boundaries and God Bless!!!

She is not a puppy, she is YOUR daughter. I learned to listen to my gut feeling. If I am not comfortable with something, esp before the child is able to verbalize what is bothering/hurting them, then it is my job to protect her. Not that anything is being done wrong, but this is your child, and nowhere does it say grandparents have the rigiht to take your child out of your home and do whatever they want. They can come visit, certainly when she is older she can do overnights but this seems quite over the line, witness the fact that you are uncomfortable. Whether hb. supports it or not, this is one of those issues where a simple no, she can't go should be sufficient, to not be drawn into personal drama. It's not about grandma, it's not about traffic, it's about your daughter being with you and her father. I've learned not to let other issues be argued about, I simply re-state my strong preference that she remain with me. I'd admit "maybe this seems silly to you but I want her at home. You can come visit her but I believe a child needs to be home with her mother at this age."
Stand firm. This is only the first inning. This can be played out in the future and you may feel more comfortable at that time with having her go visit.
S.

Well, your in-laws are certainly involved! I know I would have a problem,too, with my in-laws coming to see my child only to take her away from me.

I would probably just set some boundaries. Tell your in-laws you are simply uncomfortable with your daughter spending so much time away from you and that they are welcome to come over to visit but that you need to set a limit on how much they take her away.

As far as their not wanting you to have more children -- forget that. If and when you want to have more, have 'em. The grandparents will fall in love with those, too, I am sure.

You and your husband are a team and better get the team rules, missions, and objectives clear. Perhaps you need a third party (i.e. family counselor) to sit with you and discuss how much is too much or too little. Bottom line is though, at 16 months, she should be at home majority of time with mom and dad. I think others should come and be with her. Maybe a weekend once or twice a year to give you a break, but not constant - but again, this is opinion and you and your husband are going to pay the price for bad or good decisions that you have to agree on.

You and he are the issue, not your mom-in-law or anyone else. If you stand as a team, no one else will be as hard. Transitions to being a parent from being a child are hard - your husband may not be ready to break an apron string and that may have to be helped along with support and firmness.

ARe you affiliated with a church that has a counseling center. That may be a good way to get started. There is a great book called "getting the love you want" by harville hendrix - nothing to do with children, but everything in the world to do with marriage and why we subconciously do the things we do (which may apply). It is great for marriages to grow with.

Best of luck, J.

Of course you should be thankful to have a grandmother who cares so much. My poor kids have on crazy grandma and one boring grandma. I certasinly think you should discuss everything with your husband. He should respect your feelings just as you should respect his. Right now it seems like he hasn't compromised. Plan when she can and cannot take your child. You didn't give birth to your daughter so someone else can have her all the time. Grandma's can also be very clingy. When their kids move away they have no one to take care of anymore. I will probably be just like her when I am a grandma, but boundaries meed to be set with you your hubby and her. There sounds like there is some jealousy in your post, but that could just be missing your daughter. I would miss mine if they were away. I know how you feel about them not welcoming a new baby. My son is the prettiest boy you could imagine. Grandpa was very wrapped up in his looks and everyones reaction to how pretty he is. When we chose to have our daughter I had the same thoughts as you. In the end he loves her dearly, she is beautiful and very smart. But I think he loves her because they enjoy eachothers company. She loves shopping and he loves taking her shopping. He adores her assertivness and her dramatic attitude and she loves the putty in her 23 month old hands. I worried for nothing. But I will be laying down boundaries myself soon.

Good luck, J.

I agree with you. I dont see why grandma cant spend some time with you guys as a family. It seems she would want to spend time with her son also, instead of 2.5 hours away from you. While this may be a good idea SOMETIME its certainly not a good idea all the time. Your daughter needs to be spending time with mommy and daddy too! It sad daddy doesnt see this point, I would try talking with him again about it and perhaps finding out why grandma cant stay with you guys. You are the parent and you and hubby make the rules for Alex, not her. Dont giveup on your firmness or your insticts, they are always right. Best of luck!

T.,

I think you're being reasonable in not wanting your daughter to be that far away and constantly in the car like that. However, I think that arguing with your husband about it is not going to do anything but put an unnecessary strain on your marriage. Instead, you need to just have the discussion with your mother in law. Tell her you do not want your daughter to be traveling back and forth that far without you. Let her know that you want her to have a close relationship with your daugther, and prefer that she spend her time with her in your home. Honestly, I would do the same thing with my in-law, because I completely agree with you on this. I just think you're dealing with the wrong person in handling the problem.

Good luck!
K.:)

Sounds like she has a grandmother that loves her and want to be with her. Relax and let his mom enjoy her. Many women would love to have that as an issue. You really don't want to horde your daughter from your husband's family. They will get resentful. From what you have said it doesn't sound as if she is in danger. Relax! Use the time she is away to spend time with your hubby!

I am a grandmother and remember when my own daughters were that age. Do you work or are you a stay at home mom? If you work and grandma's taking her for her vacations is the alternative to daycare, then I say let her do so. Better to be with her grandma than at daycare. If you stay home all the time with her, then if grandma taking her away bothers you, by all means argue away to keep her with you if that's what you prefer. She is your daughter; not her's. That said, it is good for your daughter to have this extended family, and I do hear some jealousy in your post. No matter how much grandma has with her, she is still your daughter and your daughter will not grow up confused about that. You will always be number one to your child. But grandmas are important in their lives, too. My own granddaughter has been the center of attention to her other grandmother since birth, and my daughter goes through the same pull and jealousy over that, too, so I do know where you're coming from. The grandma brags on her, by the way, because although she is not her child, she is an extension of her own child (her son, your husband) and to grandmas everywhere, those grandchildren are the apple of the eye, fun to spoil and loved dearly. Be happy she loves her so much. More love can only be good for her. It is hard, though, for you to give that much of her life to this woman, but try to see it from the aspect of what is best for your child. You should have first choice on her time, though, because you are the mother. Also, your husband has rights over her, too, and if he wants her to have some time with grandma, you perhaps can allow that while also putting limits on it. If he is not willing to compromise, shame on him, but you should also do some compromising, as long as she will be safe -- which you said she would. If it were me, I would limit her going so far away so often just because of the fact that she is still so young. And whatever you decide, stick to your guns and put your foot down and insist. Many times through your daughter's life, you'll find you are her best and sometimes only advocate.

My daughter is 3 and adores my in-laws. Sometimes I resent how close she is to my mother-in-law. I love my in-laws as if they were my own parents. They live 2.5 hours away as well and although they have tried to take her to visit without me and my hubby, my daughter will not go. She nursed for the first 1.5 of her life and now she is just so attached to me. I even tried to get her to go visit them for a few days not long ago and she wasn't interested. They come visit us every other weekend to make up for that lol. Sometimes I think it would be easier if she went to see them. (every now and then but not to often!)

Wow- you should look at the positive side of this and know that you are blessed. My 3 children only see their one set of grandparents once a month as they live 5 hours away and the other set lives millions of miles away on the other side of the world, seeing them MAYBE once a year. That is what grandparents do....show off their grandchildren!! Now, I would question, why you would take a 16month old to a bowling alley? But going from house to house to "show off" your daughter, is not unusal as Grandma is just very proud of Alex. You just said, you dont question the safety of your child; therefore, I would not be concerned. Now, of course, I would offer a suggestion, that when grandma does come to get your daughter, that it indeed works out with you and your husbands schedule first and for most. I would count your blessings, that you have a healthy & strong mother-in-law to be able to drive up, spend the precious time with your daughter, and to give YOU some ME time and/or Hubby Time. Take advantage of that as most parents do not have that luxury!!!!
Good Luck & Best Wishes

T.,
I think that you really need to be thankful of what your mother-in-law does for you and your family. She is just in love with her granddaughter and likes to have the one on one time with her. She also is providing you and your husband with alone time. I understand that you do not want her there all the time, but maybe you should set up schedule so she can have certain weekends or whatever just every once in a while. I have a daughter and a son. I let my mother in law get my daughter often (they live 6 hours away) because she loves to spend time over there and they can spoiler her the way I can not (and really dont want too :)) Really my point is that you should voice your concern, but try to pick your battles wisely, you never know when you are going to need your in-laws help.