18 Months Son Very Attached to His Dad

Updated on March 27, 2012
A.W. asks from Alden, IL
16 answers

Hi ladies! I have a wonderful 18 months son and he is the center of universe for me. I love him so much, but somehow I didn't build a strong bond with him. I am a SAHM, I play with him, feed him, change him, put him to bed at night, all these since he was a newborn. When dad is home he ignores me :(( As if he forgets that I'm even in the house with them. They play, laugh and when I try to give him a hug or to play with him when dad is at out for a couple of minutes he starts screaming and throwing tantrums. It is so heartbreaking to be rejected by your only child! I don't know where I did wrong. When we are alone just the two of us he is playing with me, we laugh and have fun, but when dad steps in I vanish.
I also feel that I'm in a some sort of competition with my husband. I told him so many times how I feel about our son being attached to him, and he seems to enjoy this very much! For eg when my son is having a tantrum I read that it is better to ignore him, than to encourage the screaming and crying. I do this, I try to ignore him, but my husband hugs him, kisses him and tells me in front of our son: "Why don't you do something, do you enjoy him crying? You're a bad mother!" Or he tells him: "Dady is here to protect you"as if I am a monster:((
Yesterday he called me Mummy and I was so happy!!! ( he only said daddy..) I don't know if it is only my imagination but I felt that my husband didn't like it. He wants to be the favourite parent. It is so hard!!! I have heard that some men are jealous of connection between their mother and son, is that what's going on here? Please help me understand! Maybe some of you underwent a similar situation in their families, any advice will be more that welcome as I'm struggling here! Alos if you know how can I create a stronger bond with my son? Or is it to late?? Thank you so much!

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

the thought that you haven't built a bond with your son because he has a parental favorite right now is incorrect. your bond with your son is so complete and so natural that you both take it for granted, while daddy is still a special treat. this is a very natural phase for babies. you simply cannot allow yourself to be jealous and react as if he were an adult. he's a tiny and is far too young to understand guilt and manipulation. let him be who he is. help him develop confidence by demonstrating it, by not psychically clinging to him. in order to feel free to explore beyond you, he has to feel comfortable that you are strong in your self, not anxious. you want confidence, not anxiety, to be the model you present him.
your husband is a jerk, plain and simple. sorry, but that's just not okay. somebody in this family has to be the grown up, and apparently you're the only one who has any shot at it.
khairete
S.

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S.L.

answers from Champaign on

First, your husband needs to stop with his comments - especially in front of your son.

Second, my son is the same way for the most part. He is 5 and daddy is his world. However, mommy is the world too - but for different things. When it comes to playing outside (baseketball, baseball, kickball, whatever) - daddy rules. When it comes to reading books, doing puzzles, coloring, when he's sick or just wants to cuddle - it's all Mommy. We BOTH fill his needs. My husband travels - i truly enjoy all the things - playing outside too, when he's gone. But when my husband comes home - i'm invisible.

I'm happy about their bond - and although I might get a little jealous at times, my husband says that he is jealous too of the bond that we have.

It sounds like your bond is fine with your son, and it can only grow. He is only 18 months old, and he will find his balance too.

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C.V.

answers from Los Angeles on

Don't worry too much, children go through phases. My daughter did for a while she only wanted daddy, then she grew out of it. Maybe your son misses him all day if he's at work and is just trying to get his fill when he gets home. It doesn't mean you didn't build a strong bond with him or that it's permanent.

Your husband I would be more concerned about. I would sit down and have a talk with him about his issues and how you both can get on the same page as far as disciplining goes. I really hope he was joking when he said you're a bad mother, it sounds like you're doing a great job!

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E.S.

answers from Jacksonville on

It's normal. You are with him all of the time, Daddy is a special treat. My son is 3 and gets so excited when Daddy comes home from work, but he hardly pays attention to me when I pick him up from daycare. It can be hard to see how excited he is for Daddy, but when he's hurt or tired, I'm the one he comes to for cuddles. You should encourage this behavior for Daddy. You want them to have a strong bond.
I would talk to your husband (when your son is not around) about how to deal with tantrums so your on the same page. Also, make sure that he understands that he has to treat you respect in front of your son so your son will grow up treating you with respect.

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M.T.

answers from New York on

You are helping to create the feeling of competition with your husband, but he's also being a jerk about it. Maybe he thinks that he is joking around, but you are taking it seriously. Perhaps the two of you need to discuss this in private, not when your son is around and not when he's having a meltdown.
You need to let go of your feeling that you need to be the preferred parent. It is fine and normal for your son to prefer dad sometimes. When our kids were tiny tots, my husband and I used to joke about our rotating favorite parent status. It never bothered me when the kids preferred him, especially when it was him they were calling for in the middle of the night!
You don't need to create a stronger bond with your son. He doesn't need to prefer you when dad is around. It's not like he has no attachment to you.
I would discuss with hubby the fact that it's one thing to comfort a child who is crying because they got hurt or had a nightmare, but that every parenting authority recommends ignoring tantrums when a child is just melting down because they did not get their way. Maybe you can pick up a couple of good parenting books and casually mention a good chapter and show him what you just read.
The problem here is not that your son is attached to his daddy, which is a good and normal thing. The problem is that you seem to feel that your son should prefer you. That's sad, really. Requiring your son to like you best will damage your relationship, and basing your self esteem on the preferences of a toddler is pressure that you should not put on a child.

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C.P.

answers from Columbia on

You are WAY overthinking this. Your son is 18 months old. You have plenty of time to build and nurture a relationship with him. Quit trying to compete with your husband. It's very likely that in a year or two, he'll prefer YOUR company. And then it might switch back.

Don't be jealous. Make the most of your mommy-son time, and do step away so daddy can have time too.

But be sure that you also all have time together...because what your son sees of your's and your husband's relationship together will shape his understanding of all of his realtionships in the future.

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A.C.

answers from Sarasota on

Your son feels comfortable ignoring you for your husband because your bond with him is SO strong he knows you will always be there. Good job, mama!
It is GREAT he has such a strong connection with his father. Many mothers long for that bond to grow between their child and their childs father. What's not great are the things he says to you. That has to stop and it has to stop now. Unless you want to hear those words out of your sons mouth in a few years, you will nip it in the butt NOW.
You and your husband are playing for the same team, you are not rivals that must be bested by eachother.

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J.S.

answers from Columbia on

Interesting first question from a new user!

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J.G.

answers from Rockford on

You didn't do anything wrong!! Both of my children have done this. In fact my son (21 months) still does it from time to time. I used to say he was Mommy's little boy until Daddy was in the room, then I am chopped liver. ha! ha! My daughter (almost 4) did the same thing around 18 months. I was (and still am) a SAHM and I just figured since I was always with my children, they never have a chance to miss me like they miss their father when he is at work.
Now the comments that your husband is saying is a whole other can of worms. Seriously, that has GOT to stop. He is undermining you and what you are trying to do. You son should never have to hear one parent cut down the other. All it is doing is making the situation a million times worse and harder on you. Not to mention that it is teaching your son that tantrums will cause him to get his way, which will make him throw them more often.

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M.L.

answers from Colorado Springs on

My uncle was a general practitioner, and had many child patients as well as adult ones. He would examine them thoroughly, but when it came to vaccinations and such things, he would leave the examining room and his nurse would do the dirty work. Then he would come back in and say, "Oh, did that nasty old nurse give you a shot?" The children weren't really fooled by that teasing - they loved doctor and nurse both.

It isn't unusual for a child this age to be attached to one or the other parent. With my youngest granddaughter, it was her mama. Mama was the main attraction and the pole star of her universe. Daddy was, well, just Daddy. That wore off, however, over several months. And her daddy, my son, was very patient (more patient than I would have expected). He just hung in there - and eventually he became more than acceptable. They have a great relationship now that she's two and a half.

You certainly feel rejected, but you aren't. Your son can't do without you and he loves you very much. But right now Daddy is the Main Attraction, and you're the Side Show. That won't be the case forever. It's your turn to hang in there and be patient.

Approach your son's and your husband's interactions with each other with as good a sense of humor as you can muster. You wouldn't want your boy to have a dad who didn't want to bother with him - or not have a dad at all - would you? Plenty of women have those concerns instead.

Remember that you and your husband are on the same side. Sometimes you need to adjust, and sometimes he does. You definitely need to tell him that you have an "ignoring plan" for the tantrums, and that you sometimes feel put down by his humor (I'm assuming that's what it is); however, your general attitude needs to be, "Enjoy yourselves, boys; you're not really threatening ME." This sort of attitude is crucial for raising boys; mamas need to be strong and positive.

Your husband's current teasing isn't going to fracture the family, if it's just teasing. I don't like being teased, either - not at all! But sometimes tears won't work on it. Could you add something to that game, perhaps? When he says, "You're a bad mother," maybe you can say, with a smile, "Well, you're going to be a wonderful grandfather, because you're practicing child-spoiling right now! Let's be on the same team, please!" When my children were growing up I was literally known as "Mean Old Mom" - spelled M.O.M. Humor disarms teasing better than tears or angry words do.

(Something else to think about: I think I know what you mean when you say your son is the center of your universe. But that shouldn't actually be the case. Children grow up stronger and more secure when they realize that they're not the center of the universe - when they know that their dad and mom love each other *even more* than they do their children.)

R.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I'm sorry to hear that. I think you're really a loving mom. But there are these realities that you should overcome. I think it's best for you to take one step at a time. Don't compete with your husband, that will only do worse. Just continue what you are doing. Never expect anything in return. I'm sure one day, your son will see you in a different light. He'll then realize how lucky he is for having a mon like you. I wish you the best A..

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K.J.

answers from Springfield on

Stop beating yourself up. What your son is doing is perfectly normal! I have 3 children and all 3 went through this phase. Its just a phase, it will pass. Your son sees you all day long so when Daddy is around he prefers Daddy. That's normal!

The thing that upsets me however is your husbands behavior. He absolutely should NOT say those things in front of your son. The two of you need to talk, without your son in hearing distance, about your parenting styles. You need to get on the same page on how you'll parent your little guy. Try to stay calm and not get worked up if you dont see eye-to-eye. Chances are at least a few things will differ between the two of you. Keep the communication open, you have a lot of years to parent your son. As the years go by things will change the way you parent him For example time outs will no longer be needed, instead you'll ground him or take away his driving privileges.

Please remember that your son loves you! You "grew" him for 9 months and love and nurture him all day. He knows this and although he can't express it now, he loves you for it.

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E.J.

answers from Atlanta on

I know EXACTLY what you mean.Story of my life. I too am a SAHM and my 22 month old do me EXACTLY same way when daddy is around. You sound like a great mom. You dont have to work at building a bond, its natural. A mother and child will always have a bond. But the bond between a father and child is sooo special. When I see my guys together I feel really happy. I hope that they always remain close buddies. Because I cant teach him how to be a man. Daddy have to do that.You and your hubby need to get on one accord when it comes to parenting so it wont feel like you are in competition. There is no need to feel that way, he loves you both.

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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

Never think that your child is not bonded to you. You two have been bonded to each other prior to birth. Be yourself and don't try to be something you are not. This not the time for competiton you ARE the mom. Daddy is daddy and if he is not home with him all day long he misses his dad.

I don't know of a mom that has not had this happen to her. My son is a daddy's boy and he is still that as a grown man. He loves mom but he is all about dad. My daughter is a mommy's girl and as a grown woman is still that way BUT she does want and need her dad. Dad has come a long with them and knowing they need him.

Stay the course you are on now with parenting. Get dad alone and talk with him without the iron frying pan. If need be get books or go to parenting classes so that you two show a united front. This front will be tested time and time again especially as the child grows. The old end against the middle "Mommy said x." Dad says, "What did you mother say?" Dad says, "Well what mom says is what goes." You get the picture.

Good luck to you. Welcome to parenthood were things change daily and know that as much as things chane they stay the same only the situations change. Once a parent always a parent.

The other S.

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J.G.

answers from Cleveland on

It may seem like you haven't built a bond, but you have. My 19 mo old likes his dad as well... yes I have been there except for nearly a month last Nov/Dec when I was in the hospital for multiple mini-stokes that started about 1 week post-partum. He does get upset when daddy leaves and also looks for him a lot, when daddy is home if he is not playing by himself - he is with daddy. The only time he come looking for momma is when he need a new diaper or wants something to drink or eat and when he is sick.

My 4 mo old also looks for daddy... she "talks" more to him then momma and daddy hasn't given her a bottle since I got out of the hospital in mid Dec.

Yes, I have more kids (six in total), but I do like that daddy & mommy both have some kind of a bond with the kids.

The only thing that I don't think is right is the comments about you being a bad mom... I think that should stop. We all have different ways of dealing with fits & actions our kids and spouses have/do. I really think your hubby needs to be more supportive of your feeling and how you are trying to get the fits to stop. If you could talk to him about his actions and he would work on them I think that would help the situation.

As to your son - keep being there when he needs you... you already have a bond and it will keep building as the years go by & you show him love.

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M.B.

answers from Chicago on

I am a working mother of two kids. My husband currently stays at home. My son (17 months) runs to me when I walk in the door. He wants me to hold him, comfort him, love him. I love this because I feel guilty being away from him all day. Perhaps you should consider that your husband feels good and enjoys your son's attention because he knows that he's not been forgotten or dismissed and that your son actually does love and miss him.

My son has a great relationship with his daddy. When I leave in the morning, the need to be with me is overshadowed by the fun and love he gets from his father. My husband also ignores my son's tears if they are based on him not getting his way. He's more used to his day in/ day out behaviour than I am, not to mention the guilt I have for leaving him every day. I tend to be more "indulgent".

However, you husband needs to learn how to talk to you more constructively in front of your son. What he says might even backfire as your son starts to understand more and come to your defense and wonders why dad is being a "jerk". My 4 year old daughter has told me that I talk "mean" sometimes and she doesn't like it. And she's absolutely right, there are times when we have disagreed where it gets a bit heated. So now if we have something to say that we don't think she should hear we do it out of earshot. It's ok for couples to disagree constructively and in front of the kids, but it's never ok to belittle or backstab.

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