19 Yr Old Back Home

Go into her room and talk to her. It's time for a M. heart to heart.
She may feel like she failed you by not finishing at the big college.
Help her by taking her to the mall, or somewhere and getting applications. Make it a girl day.
Go out and get her something pretty to wear to look for a job, even just a pretty necklace from Fancy Q's or Claire's.
Be interested in her life.

WHen you go to work leave her a list of chores she is to do. And on day one make it one chore, like dishes, work up to more responsibility.

Sounds like her confidence is nonexistent. She needs mom to help her get on track.

She has only been away a year, and college kids often still have summers off...or are slow to find a job. She will need $$ for gas and fast food. Let her feel the need for a job. You can provide a roof and pantry, but not an allowance (at least in summer months). Also, let her do her own laundry, clean her own bathroom, etc. Pretend it is her apartment...but not one with a housekeeper, cook, doorman, etc. And then take a big breath and try to enjoy her company. I try to do that with my high school boy, who is a slug. But I try to remember that at least he is a good kid and I know where he is.

Maybe you can charge her rent...approximately $200 a month. This will help her to understand that she is an adult and part of being an adult is paying her own way in life.

Our daughter is also 19 and in college and lives at home. She does have a job and is always looking for a better job. She takes a lot of classes and even though we don't nag her about her chores she does give us money. She pays for her cell phone, car insurance (an accident made her rate go up), some of her groceries and her gas. We have family meetings to discuss what is expected of her. Our rules have not changed because she went to college. She still has to live by those rules and we have to remind her of them. We have eased up on them but they are still there and she has to respect us, her parents. If she doesn't like it, the option is move out. It is harsh but she wants to grow up so grow up. My daughter actually can't wait to move out and be even more independent but she will do it when she is financially secure with a good job. Good luck and hang in there and remember that you too "knew it all at 19". ;-)

The best thing to do is to have a conversation about how you 2 are going to now help each other. Remind her she is an adult now so she needs to act like an adult to be treated as an adult.

No walking out when she is angry, she needs to stay and work things out with you. YOU need to quit being manipulated by her and afraid to deal with her attitude. She is walking all over you.

here are some suggestions.

Let her know that she will need to do her own laundry and grocery shopping, because since she has been gone, you really do not cook as much.

Also let her know that she will need to help around the house, but if she prefers to pay some of the rent, you could accept that instead of her helping with the house keeping.. You could then hire someone to come in once a week to do the bathrooms, mopping, vacuuming etc..

Base the amount on what you pay per month for your property taxes. For instance ours in $800. a month, so we would charge our daughter $400. per month.

Maybe also consider a percentage of the bills (include cable), cell phone and all of her car insurance. This is a very normal expectation while she is not actually attending school for the summer.

Remind her that she needs to find a job. It is her responsibility. Do not give her any money. No gas money, no clothing money no spending money.. Let her know she is now an adult and need s to pay for these things.

You decide on what she should be contributing to the household and hold her to it.

Our daughter is home for the summer and has a summer job. She also is doing all of her own laundry and even asks if she can add some of our things. She offers to purchase and then cook some of the meals.

She borrows our car, but fills up the tank every other week. She uses her own money for her entertainment. But mostly she is saving her money for when she goes back to school in the fall.

Our daughter knows that we expect her to be productive. The summers she has not had a full time job, she was volunteering at least 30 hours a week, taking every babysitting, pet sitting, house sitting job that was offered. She helped me with my events business and helped her grandparents as needed.

Yes, we allowed her to sleep in, watch TV some of the time, but not all summer. But we had spoken about OUR expectations.

I am sending you strength.

You ARE being manipulated so it's natural that you feel that way.

Sounds like you are footing all the bills - car, insurance, gas, meals, laundry, probably a cell phone. She needs a structure and some expectations. If she is out of clothes, she will have to do laundry. If she is out of gas or her car needs to be inspected, she will have to get a job or babysit or something. If her cell phone gets shut off, she will learn what it means to be a grown-up. If there are no clean dishes, she will have to wash one.

She also sounds depressed and maybe a little immature. Perhaps she came home because she couldn't manage on her own? Perhaps the real world is scary, perhaps her depression is paralyzing her.

If she cannot get motivated and organized to find something, then get her into some counseling. She may need help with a resume, she may need some help identifying her skills. But allowing her to sit around and watch TV while you foot all the bills is not helping her - she's clearly miserable anyway - and it's not helping her to develop those skills involved with independent living.

You may need to draw up a contract of expectations and privileges and have her sign it. Some of the "big names" in family dynamics (Dr. Phil, others) have books available on parenting and dealing with adult kids who come home. Dr. Phil just did a show on 30-year-old moocher kids - pretty enlightening. Maybe you can get some pointers on his website.

it's a tough spot to be in. you want to be supportive and enjoy her presence, but you ARE being taken advantage of to a degree, and that never feels good. the best tactic seems to be sympathetic straightforwardness. you don't want to come off as nagging or plaintive, but you do need to get your point across. try approaching her as if she were an adult friend, not your child. tell her that you are glad she's home, and you'd like her to view the home as HER home too, ie a place where 3 adults (assuming you're married) are sharing space and responsibilities. that means she should not need to be assigned tasks as if she were a child, but she should not be treating the place like a hotel. try enlisting her aid in working out a tenable situation rather than confronting her.
it's a subtle difference, but it often works.
good luck!
khairete
S.

This is a tough one, emotionally, for you. BUT, daughter is now 19 and needs to start learning how to be independent. Since she's still immature and drives off rather than trying to work things out with you means that she is still the 18 yr old she was when she left. I'm pretty sure I would not give her money for anything, necessity is the mother of invention. She needs gas for her car, she needs it insured, right? She also needs to figure out how to pay for that herself. She needs to be paying rent because she is not a guest in your home, she is now considered a "tenant". Think on those lines.
Don't continually badger her about employment and such, we all know the economy is bad right now and it is hard to find a job, but she should be showing a little respect. Hang out with her, treat her like an adult, have a cup of coffee with her and just talk to her about her plans. She may have a decent plan pending that you dont know about just yet. If you treat her like a child she will continue to act like a child. We all have that problem when we are with our parents no matter how old we are.
Listen to her plan and if it sounds reasonable you might feel better knowing that there is one. If there isnt a plan, give her a timeline on how long she can mooch.

I'm writing from South Africa. Here it is the "done thing" for any child living at home past high school to pay "rent". The "trick" is to be very calm and mature about the situation. Tell her that she's old enough to contribute to the family. Her room and board at home costs $? (whatever amount you feel is reasonable). Her choice is simple - either find a job and pay you in dollars or she can "pay her way" by doing chores while you are at work. Give each chore a monetary amount and have her sign a "contract" in which she agrees to either pay you in cash or in kind for living at home. If you feel that is too "harsh" simply tell her that you will not charge her room and board, but you won't give her spending money nor money for anything not absolutely essential. Then if she wants to go out with friends, buy a CD or put gas in her car, she will have to earn the money for those things. Good luck!

There are a few ways you can go. I am speaking as a daughter who moved home... my kids are little...
You can let her know that you expect her to work and she needs to spend from a certain time - a certain time each day looking for work.
You can make her take responsibility for paying her own car insurance
Or if you just want her out doing something vs making money maybe you could help her find some volunteer programs to become active with. Maybe she could become a 'Big Sister' or ... there are lots of options.

It might be time to talk to her about the fact that she is an adult and that you do not HAVE TO let her live with you and you have certain expectations if this situation is going to continue...

I am confused. Last Oct your wrote about a daughter in high school who was having difficulties and might be depressed. Is this a different daughter.

I suggest that this daughter could also be depressed. I'd make an appointment for her with your doctor for an evaluation. You go with her so that you know what was said. An anti-depressant combined with several boundaries and consequences could change the picture.

Tough love. Draw up some boundaries for her that she has to honor in order to live at home. She has to look for a job and she can show you that she is by giving you a list of applications and efforts by listing date, time, place. Specify how many she needs to give you in a specific period of time.

If she says there are no jobs let her know that there are jobs for teens. It's the older skilled worker that is having difficulty finding work. I saw a magazine giving hints on how to help kids find work. It's the May issue Family Circle. The article, "How to Succeed in Business help your teen land and keep a summer job", is on page 74.

Have her be responsible for some household chores. Make a list of things you're willing to have her do and let her choose which ones she'll do. Specify how many are to be done, the manner in which they're to be done and in what time frame. If she'll sit down and talk with you it would be best for the two of you to plan together.

How is she paying for gas and insurance? If you're giving her money, stop doing it. Have her earn the money.

Do you know any of her friends from high school? If so you might invite them over so that she can get reconnected. Talk with her about looking them up.

What are her interests? Find ways she can get involved in them. Look them up on the Internet, read the newspaper for upcoming events. Perhaps go with her to one.

Everyone living in a house is required to participate in making the house a home.

I understand not wanting to upset her. I lived this way some with my teen daughter. It took her awhile to learn how to be a responsible adult. I wish I'd required more from her. How she feels is her responsibility. She is controlling you with her moods. You have to be strong and do what is best for her.

Maybe write her a letter explaining how you feel. She is a grown up now so she needs to be treated like one. A letter seems petty but it sounds like the only way to get her to listen without storming away. You could possibly set some rules, such as if you are going to live here i need your help around the house, such as laundry, dishes, sweeping, dusting, paying for groceries...Even being under your roof maybe having a curfew unless she is at work when she gets a job. She could also pay some rent even if it's $100 a month or just something. That could make her get a job. It might make her want to move out but it will atleast make her act grown up again. You have to push her or she will be trying to live off mom for as long as she can.

this remindes me of a saying I heard awhile back....there's no time like the present to learn how to wipe your own bottom (the original word was a little more vulgur). hope you're smiling right now...this isn't intended to offend, but merely to remind you that she is an adult and needs to be treated like an adult to act like one.

If you continue to coddle her immaturity (wiping her bottom for her), why should she take the responsiblity of being an adult? I don't see why you couldn't sit down with her and discuss a few responsiblities for her. If she doesn't want to listen and storms out, explain to her that she needs to find somewhere else to live. You deserve to be treated with more respect than she's showing, and she needs to learn a little more responsibility and self control.

What would happen if her boss had to confront her, or discuss with her something she didn't want to hear? Would she walk off the job? Why should a stranger get more respect than you?

I just read through other's answers and I agree very much with Laurie A. She has some really great advice!! Good Luck!

Hi, my daughter will be 19 in a few months, lives at home, and let's just say I thought you were writing about her. Basically, we just started talking again after 1 week because I told her she needs to contribute around the house or mess up somebody else's house and she gave me the silent treatment, stayed the night at friend's all week etc. and I just gave her space. Now, she is home and we had a very long talk. I think you should sit her down and set out your expectations. College is tough, but this is where responsibility starts. Another mom mentioned gas - absolutely. Tell her you support her education and so go onto google, check the mileage to and from school and give her gas money for school only, and whatever else you think is a necessity. In the end, she needs to respect you and your home. She is obviously at home because she wasn't ready outside of the house... there is a way to talk with her without nagging... just so hard to put in writing, but I hope you kind of get what I'm saying... good luck. It is a tough road, but just keep in mind that you are still raising her to be a successful, responsible, contributing adult to society and even at 19 years, we don't necessarily discipline we make them responsible for their decisions - tough love (it hurts us more).... all the best.

don't assume that her leaving is deliberately trying to make you worry - she's just 19 and pissy. don't take the act of leaving itself as a direct strike at you personally...

also, family meeting time! i think it would help to outline everyone's responsibilities in the home - add her looking for a job to her list of chores. everyone who lives in the home, helps out. it would be better if everyone had clear ideas about pulling their weight. she is 19 but she is still living under your roof, she has only been "on her own" for one school year, so yes, she is still a kid and she will regress. but it doesn't matter, she still needs to help out just like (i hope?) she did before she graduated and moved to college. this is going to be longer term, more than just a summer. better to get rules and expectations in place now.

If you stop giving her money she'll eventually get motivated to get a job - so she can buy gas and go to the movies, etc.

Stop encouraging. And start demanding. "We expect you to pay $50 a month towards your car insurance. It's due on the 1st." "As long as you're home, we expect you to be an active participant and that means help with chores. From here on out, we expect the following to be done daily..."

She may be home, but she still needs to be responsible.

Good luck.

Hello, First of all, where does she get her gas money? If you are giving it to her, stop. She has to need a job to want to get one. I would sit her down and tell her that she needs to find a job by a certain date. Let her know that until she is back in school, she needs to work full time. Charge her a minimal amount of rent so that she gets that things cost money. If she refuses to comply, tell her that she will have to find another place to live. I'm pretty sure that nobody else will put up with her behavior.
Good luck with your precious daughter.
K. K.

I'm with Margie, there are SO MANY things going through that kid's head right now that she will never process without prompting. Let her know you're on her side, you don't feel she failed, your excited about her new choices, offer to take her around filling out applications, not as a parent but as a friend with some experience in such things, tell her you know how hard it is, inquire about little things everyday, show her your ON HER SIDE, but you CAN'T do it for her.

:)

I think it is good that your daughter is home. I would have a list of things she is responsible for. These years should be years that she uses wisely, learning new skills, helping around the house, etc. What did you require of her before college? I would think you had her helping with meal preparations/cooking, cleaning the kitchen/bathrooms, dusting, general tidying, grocery shopping, etc. Right? If not, now is the time to teach her these things. How will she be prepared to run her own home without these skills? It shouldn't be confrontational. It's just the way homes run. Everyone pitches in and works together. This is a time that your relationship should thrive and grow. I'm not all that keen on a young lady getting a job doing whatever. I think their time could be spent so much better than that. I would encourage her to use this time to develop skills she wants/needs. Is your husband in the picture? If so, what is his opinion on it all? Enjoy this time! And, yes, she is manipulating you. Don't let her do that. Lay down rules for your home, and expect her to follow them. Was she obedient before college? Or is this new behavior?

Sounds like it is time to talk about a 'plan'. My sister is the author of this advice. It's what she told her adult (or soon to be adult) sons. "I am an option; but if I become your only option, I am no longer an option." She told them she'd provide them with shelter and food (not personal expenses) if they would go to school. If they didn't go to school, then they would have to work and help pay for their own and household expenses (food, utilities, etc.). Should they get to the point where they were not working and/or going to school, she was no longer their option. My husband and I were so impressed with this advice, that we'll be using it in a few years when our oldest becomes 'of age'. :)

She attended college away from home for a year and will be attending a local college close to home... and she's only been home for a month yet you feel take advantage of? Seriously? Do you remember how exhausting college is? Do you remember being 19?

I was probably the most hard-working 19 year old ever and worked full time hours and went to school full time, and still tried to sleep in as late as possible whenever possible. I lived at home and paid rent and insurance and used a car that my parents bought for me but I essentially paid for with upkeep and other things. So I'm all for early independence even while being a student in college with full time classes.

But she's ONLY been home for a month. Give her some time to recover from a year straight of courses and let her have a vacation. You've let her know what your wishes are, and probably in a way that she feels is nagging. But she knows. So now you have to give her time. In a day or two, sit down with her or go out to lunch with her and just chit-chat and talk like adults. Ask her what's going on in her life and how she's enjoying her break. Ask her if she'd like some help organizing her time when she's ready to look for a job and ask her if she has any ideas.

Most importantly? Listen to her more than you talk at her.

Nag away! It may be the only thing that gets her up and moving. You've already tried polite reminders, encouragement, etc. It's time to be more forceful. Good luck!

No ideas but this one: just mention that she doesn't have to live there and that might make her jump a bit. On the other hand be prepared if she thinks that's a great time to move out (no job, no oil in the car and no really good plans-oh that's what my son did!). However, truth is he has survived it about eight months, moved in with a room mate, got a job but the horrible part is that he is dreadfully missed by his mother who would like him to come back and go to a local school, too. On the other hand, they do have to leave sometime. Good luck!

r.

WOW! Your daughter is my son to a T!!! I made him get up this morning before I left for work to pick up his dishes he left in the family room by the TV last night. Nevermind that eating anywhere in the house except the kitchen or dining room is banned, but leaving the dishes and food and trash on the floor because you're watching TV?! I'd expect that kind of behavior from a 13 year old not a going on 20!!

No advice as I'm struggling with the job and lazy attitude here too. I'll just read the other poster's advice! Good luck!

It's tough but you need to set up some rules. At 19 she should be able to hold down a job and go to school. Where does she get the money for gas and insurance? If you're giving her money for her car then she needs to help out at home. If Grandma is giving her money then you have to talk to her and get her help in teaching your daughter that she if she's old enough to own a car she is old enough for the responsibility of maintaining it.
Use the parental controls for the cable, if she can't access her shows she can't watch them. Have her pay you a small amount for rent (you can put the money into a savings account for her to use later after she's graduated school). It's scary out there and the better prepared she is to handle being on her own, the better off you both will be. She needs to be able to stand on her own feet (God forbid) if something were to happen to you.
At 19 my mother passed away and my father went into a deep depression, I had to get a 2 jobs so that I could pay the bills and help take care of my baby sisters. Laying in bed until 11 am meant that I might not make enough money to pay the electric bill, let alone the cable bill.

Good luck and hang in there.

Sounds like it is time to set up some rules/expectations. She is an adult and is not entitled to live at your house. set a deadline and require her to pay rent. (you can put it in an account for her w/o her knowing and turn it back over to her when she graduates college) It does not have to be a lot. If she does not like the rules she can go live in the real world where she will have to find a roommate and a job and deal with a whole lot more.

You feel manipulated because you are being manipulated. It's time to set boundaries that should have already been set. She needs to be up and out by a certain time each day, looking for work (malls open at 10:00). She needs to have a job within a set amount of time (when I moved home as an adult, my mom gave me one week to pull myself together and three weeks - total - to find a job. I had one in two weeks.). And she needs to behave respectfully immediately. If she fails to live up to any of these basic facets of life as an adult, she needs to find another place to live.

Also, if she's not working, how can she afford gas for her car? Or insurance? She needs to have responsibility for herself.

Totally relate, except my son was looking but no one was hiring. My husband stayed on him constantly and he finally found a job. Don't give her gas money, or anything extra and I have a feeling she will find something. It's and adjustment period when they are on their own, then suddenly back home.

She is young and trying to find her way in life and I think that if you just sit back and let her have some space to move and enjoy her family and let her come into her own she will in time get moving in the right direction.

One day she will be getting married and she will have a home and kids and everything that comes with growing up and you will wish for this time back.

life is short, try to enjoy each other.

Encourage her to do a ride along with a paramedic, I bet it will change her view of the world. It might help her grow up a little.