I have a 12 year old daughter. She has not started her period, but is certainly experiencing puberty and just beginning to grow breasts. Many of her friends have started menstruating. I was on summmer vacation at my grandparents when I started my period (at age 13). My grandmother helped me out, and then made my favorite dinner to celebrate. When I returned to my mom's house my mom and her friends let me stay up late one night to join their circle. They gave me a small glass of red wine and we all toasted my entry into womanhood. My mom made a big deal about the power and magic I now had. It was really special, like I had been inducted into a very special secret sorority. I would like to plan a special celebration for my daughter for when her period arrives.
I have a circle of friends who get together monthly. We celebrate the special events in our lives with blessing ways for weddings, births, even deaths. We use different types of rituals from all different types of religions,but are particularly interested in Native American oral type traditions. Several of us have daughters about to enter this phase of life. I would like to create a tradition of a blessing way rite of passage for a girl entering womanhood. Does anyone have any special advice, traditions or rituals that they can share with me?
Also, just a poll, What age seems appropriate to allow daily make up? How much make up?
Wow! What a tremendous and positive response! Thanks to you all! I had thoughtlessly not considered that she might be embarrassed or not want any recognition of the matter. She and I discussed it and she wants a small intimate celebration. It was a good tip, and I'll certainly use discretion.
I loved all the book recommendations and have added them to my reading list. I'm sure I will find more ideas and helpful advice.
My daughter has been asking to attend our womens moon circle for some time now and I think this will be her invitation. When she starts her period we will assemble a very intimate candlelight circle that includes her closest confidante and aunties for a Red Party. Each woman will wear red, we'll have red food and red wine( just a ritualized symbolic sip for the under 21 set), red candles, red flowers. Each woman will present my daughter with a red blossom of some sort as she tells her story or gives a bit of advice. We will also give he a funny little basket with pads, tampons, Midol, B vitamins, etc. I am also going to find her a little necklace with a rose blossom pendant.
The make up ended up being no problem. She wears full coverage make up for stage/theatre productions all the time so she knows how to apply make up very well. I asked her to apply make up as she thought it should look day to day for some one her age. She applied barely tinted sunscreen moisturizer (she has very fair, dry skin), nude lip gloss, a light dusting of neutral eyeshadow, mascara and the tiniest bit of peachy pink at the apple/ contour line of the cheek. It all looked very natural and light. Then she decided it was too much trouble for daily wear and has been wearing make up for social events but not school. I'm glad I let her make her own decision, and I think she handles it very well.
There's a wonderful book called " Don't Give It Away" (by Iyalna Vanzant) for adolescent girls that helps teach them to explore and express feeling about family, friends, body image and love life. I gave this to my nieces when they started their periods as a celebration and a way to open communication about this new phase of life they were entering. Life is so hard at this age, so it's great to give young ladies some tools! Good luck!
There's a book called The Mother-Daughter Project by SuEllen Hamkins and Renee SChultz that talked about celebrating becoming a woman and rituals to celebrate. Off the top of my head I can't remember what they were but it definitely addresses it. The celebration was within the context of a group of women with similar aged daughters who got together once a month. Michele
On the make-up poll: 12 yrs - lip gloss with just touch of color. 13 yrs - maybe a little eyeliner and lip gloss with touch of color. 14 yrs - maybe add eye shadow for special occasions only. No full make-up until 15 or 16. But most important is to teach a young girl that less is more, and how to apply the make-up correctly. Also, the less make-up you wear, the better off your skin in the long run.
What a wonderful idea. I have no suggestions for you but I think your plan to celebrate is great.
what a beautiful and special way to connect with your daughter on a spiritual level. I think you and her should do something special together. like getting a pedicure or facial. You should try and tie the makeup part in some way too. I remember I was allowed to wear it around 12 or 13. This is such a wonderful time in your daughters life. I will do the same for my daughter, although I have quite a long wait!!!!!! she is only 10 months! Go and buy her a few simple makeup items. Lip gloss, glitter, a makeup brush, VERY translucent face powder.(she definately doesnt need liquid foundation yet) maybe a very lite frosty eye shadow. buy a cute makeup bag and give it all to her as a gift! have a wonderful time!
Your description is really beautiful and affirming. Your daughter is lucky that she has a mother with this tradition that she can pass on!
I started my period when I was 13 years old. I would talk to your daughter about it and see how she feels about having her first period, whenever it happens. See if she feels mortified or if she's excited about it. When I was 13 I wanted to DIE when I started my period. It was the worst thing EVER and I was very angry about it. I only told my mother and made her swear not to tell ANYONE. She told my grandmother who welcomed me in her house with, "Well, well, look who's a woman!" in front of my aunt, uncle, sisters... I wanted to KILL THEM ALL. So, see if your daughter is comfortable with the public aspect of sharing. If she is, what you described sounds absolutely wonderful!! If not, depending on how private she feels about it, I would share a girl's night or day out, just the two of you so you can talk privately about periods, how special she is, her life and concerns, etc.
As for the makeup, hee hee! My mum let me use makeup when I was 5 years old. I remember her sitting down with me and saying, "Since you love makeup so much, you can use it. But you are going to learn to use it right! No looking like a clown!" She let me use eye shadow, blush, and lip gloss. Once I was allowed to use it and had it, I didn't bother with it! The idea of using makeup, especially at your daughter's age, is to enhance your appearance, but to look natural! I would let her use eye shadow (but no bright or garish colours), a touch of mascara, blush to pinken her cheeks (no stripes or circles!), concealer (if she needs it), a light dusting of powder (if her skin is shiny), and tinted lip glosses (full colour lipstick for special occasions, but not so much for daily use). When I was her age, I liked the flavoured lip glosses. They seemed more fun.
If your daugther gets embarassed easily then 'celebrating ' her coming into womanhood I don't think would work. You could tell her what your mom did for you and see what her reaction is. My stepdaughter was with us when she started hers. I took her to the store and asked what she wanted and she was clueless.. I was floored that her mom didn't talk to her about it. So before hand also take her to the store and explain the differences between the different types of pads and liners, and if you are ok with her using tampons then explain those as well. As far as the makeup... it went slowly starting at about 12 and then she went into the goth stage (not dreary just dark) and I figured she is just expressing herself and not doing drugs.. but when we would go to family functions, i asked her to tone it down..
This one is for your make-up question. You can allow her to add a dab of light colored lipgloss. Maybe some mascara. That is more than enough. Keep the make-up light and fresh, so that she and it doesn't look so harsh.
Best of luck,
P.
Im not really sure what to do to start a new tradition but whatever you come up with will be special. Good Luck...
I was responding about the make-up question. I have 3 boys but my best friends have girls. My best friends daughter just turned 10 and for christmas I bought her a caboodle with hair stuff and make-up. I made sure it wasnt that cheap kids make-up but I also didnt go over board either I kept it to eye shadows and lip glosses and body glitter so she could get some practice. My friend and I have had this talk a couple times and decided that when she is in 7th grade she could start wearing make-up (powder, lip stick, eye shadow) My friend doesnt want her wearing foundation because she blames foundation for her uneven complextion or mascara because when she was younger after wearing mascara she would try to pull it off (instead of using eye make-up remover) and now she has little eye lashes. I believe that Jr high (7th grade) is a good time to start wearing make-up on a regular basis.
Dear Stacy,
I have heard that typically kids start menses about a year after their bodies start to change. For my daughter, that turned out to be 17 months, at age 11. I started at age 8 (my mother at 9 and grandmother at 8!) We don't have any rituals around it; my daughter and I have always been close and this was one more experience for us to be close with.
I like the traditions you mentioned, why not use them?
First and foremost, ask your daughter. Tell her your story and ideas and see if she thinks it's wonderful or horrifying. I know I would never have wanted anything like that and my daughter would be mortified. She is 13 and considers it a very private thing.
This is such a great idea. I think what your family did for you was wonderful. My mother bought me my first "real" lipstick when I started mine (a nice dusty pink - nothing too loud). You may want to consider getting her a small piece of jewelry, like a goddess pendant.
I don't have anything for the rite of passage, I was 10 when I started but the make-up thing...Lip gloss, blush and mascara. This keeps it simple and still young looking and fresh. You might take her to the mall and have a makeup professional do it to help her find the right colors and teach her how to apply it. Most of the big departmant stores do it for free without having to buy the makeup.
Hope this helps.
Dear S.,
I was excited to read your own positive coming of age story, as well as the anticipation you hold for your daughter's entrance into womanhood.
You can get very specific ideas and advise from my book Becoming Peers - Mentoring Girls into Womanhood, which was written to inspire moms to create a positive, nurturing experience for their daughters as they enter womanhood.
My advise for a first step is to gather with other women and have each tell the story of her first period. It is so important to share our own experiences in a circle of adult women, so that we have an opportunity to clear-out any residues from experiences less embracing than yours (most are...) BEFORE we address our own daughters. This also allows for a community of women to bond and prepare together for their daughters' transitions.
There is a lot to say on this topic: from reclaiming indigenous traditions around the world that honored menstruation, to the contemporary endeavor to experience menstruation as the spiritual journey that it is.
I hope this is helpful
Please check out my website at www.deannalam.com for more ideas.
Many blessings,
D. L'am
I am soooo glad that you are considering doing a celebration for your daughter's right of passage. I don't have daughters, but I was the director for a teen monologue workshop that centered on what it means to be a woman and we had one young woman who had not gotten her period yet. She got it about a week after our show and we had a "red" party. All of the food was white and red..all decorations red...we put red rose petals in a bowl of warm water and massaged her feet with essential oils. We dressed her in red boas, gave her a neck massage and painted her toenails. We each gave her a special gift. Many of the girls made theirs - like poems, paintings, candles etc. I gave her a goddess statue and another young woman gave her a fairy necklace. We all told "period" stories and gave her advice on sexuality, the challenge of being a woman in our society, messages of empowerment etc. The girls were teary eyed as they explored their own rituals or lack there of. Most of them had no celebration when they got their periods and felt so blessed to be a part of hers. It was an amazing experience for all of us...and I think the peer element was vital. If you know any of her friends and think they would be open to creating something for her with you as a guide I think it could be a very powerful experience. Or perhaps she had cousins or aunties that would be able to share their stories with her.
I wish you all of the best! And I would love it if you could post what you decide and/or what happened for us all to read!
Blessings
M.
