2-1/2 Yr Old Tantrum Trouble

Just a thought. When my kids get upset, and slam their doors, I take their doors off for the rest of the day. This keeps them from slamming their door again or they know what will happen. Maybe this will help you keep from having to barge in, and her from wanting to keep you out.

In the short run, I think I would just tell her (while she's not upset) than when she runs into her room, you will let her have some time to herself to cool off. (That's actually a pretty positive response my grandson sometimes has to his own frustration or disappointment.) As soon as she's calm again, she can come out, and you'll always be happy to have her with you.

And at 2 1/2, she's not "behind" in potty training. If you're pushing that and she's not able to respond, it will just make the process slower, more complicated, and more unhappy for all of you.

A most important thing I've realized about ALL human behavior is that it's all a means to get our legitimate needs met. Defiance, whining, pouting, tantrums – also affection, snuggling, humor. Any particular behavior may not be a good strategy, and for little ones, it's often a bad strategy. Children get angry, slam doors, scream – not as a deliberate, planned manipulation, but as an intuitive way to try to meet their own needs. And depending on the response or results they get, these behaviors may stick around or eventually go away.
If your daughter senses that she has hooked you emotionally, she feels powerful. Even a negative reaction from you tells her she's had an effect. When this occurs at a moment the child is feeling very little power, it's very, very attractive. She'll gratefully take power and control in whatever form she can find it.

Before deciding how to deal with her new behaviors, I'd try this: stand in her shoes and consider life from her perspective. Notice all the frustrating, controlling, maddening and discouraging situations for a new little person with very little autonomy and limited language skills. From there, you might find creative ways to reduce as many of those frustrations as possible. This in turn should reduce her negative strategies to deal with her own frustration.

I'd be really, really careful NOT to intimate that your daughter is wrong to feel her feelings. She really doesn't choose them, they choose her depending on the situation. Anger and frustration are natural, and completely legitimate from her point of view. If you discourage them by shaming or punishing her, the feelings won't go away, they'll just go underground and emerge in some other way.

You might make a little set of cards, as a project to do with your little girl, that she can show you when she has trouble expressing a need, whether a feeling like "angry" or "frustrated," or a physical need like hunger, or any other way she usually needs your help. As you do this, explain that you want her to be able to show you what she needs. (Cards like these are already available for kids with speech delays or autism; you can probably find them online if you don't want to make them.)

I can almost guarantee that she'll be surprised and grateful, and may respond with more "communication" and less door slamming almost immediately. I'm NOT suggesting that you drop your role as primary authority. She will still need clear boundaries just to feel safe. Just boost the empathy factor – kids hear "No" and get punished more than is usually necessary, and react against it.

As you reduce your daughter's frustration level, you'll reduce her reactivity, her need to feel angry, hurt, or defy you. Thus, you'll also reduce your own frustration and reactivity as she feels more cheerful and cooperative. Your little girl is acting out of her frustration, it's what little kids do until they know better, or are given other choices by the adults who control their lives.

Peg M. is right on the money with her response. I know her behavior must seem maddening, but please don't punish her for having feelings of frustration. Teach her what to do if she's frustrated/mad. It's not ok to slam doors or hit people, but we can take deep breaths, stomp our feet, hit a pillow, etc. When I am really aggravated, I personally need some space to calm down and compose myself. If someone was barging in on me while I was trying to do so, it would make me more tense and angry. So, I probably would take the approach of letting her go to her room and then tell her when she calms down she can come out again, however long that takes. There's no reason to follow her to her room and let her hold the door shut against you. You're just adding to a power struggle and it sounds like she's not ready to talk when she's that upset anyway. Tell her you'll talk to when she calms down and comes out. Then walk away. This is the approach we use with my 4 year old. It puts the onus on her to decide when she's ready to start behaving again and I much prefer it to time out which I found just made her resentful and scream for the whole time. When she comes out of her room she's calmer and more receptive to talking and changing her behavior. And no, you do not have to accept her hitting you. If she hits either you get up, telling her hitting hurts and you won't let her hurt you or tell her she can go to her room to calm down and stay there until she's ready to stop hitting.

Finally, try not to take everything personally. The half ages are very hard. Get the book "Your Two Year Old" by Bates and Ames (They have one for several different ages). The half ages (1.5, 2.5, 3.5) are times of disequilibrium so the behaviors are going to be worse. I know it's hard not to take her blaming stuff on you personally. 3.5 was particularly hard for us. Try hearing "I don't love you!" yelled at you and try not to react. LOL It does get better though. Another wonderful book for learning ways to effectively communicate with your kids is "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. It's easy reading and the concepts can be applied to adults as well.

You're not a bad parent! We've all been there!

I think it's a way of getting attention. My daughter did that once, but after being in there alone while I ignored her, she started to feel lonely and wondered why I was not running after her and giving her attention, so she opened the door and asked me where I am. She then asked me to come play with her and I told her that until she apologizes for slamming doors, we won't play, so she can either play alone or say "sorry" and we can play together. She ended up apologizing and I haven't seen her do it again. I think we all deal with anger in our own ways, and sometimes letting people cool off and then approach you when they are ready to do so is best, rather than trying to fight with her in forcing the door open, something that could have a bad result if the door slams into her face or the door handle hits her in the head.

I'm no expert, but I've recently gone throught the terrible 2's twice and am currently going through the even worse 3s! My personal opinion is to let her be in her room to calm down alone. At that age, they don't handle confrontation well or reasoning; sometimes the best thing is time. Frankly, I wish I had the same problem - when my 3 y/o does something bad and I tell her to go to her room, she refuses and I end up having to drag her there and even when I put her in her room, she refuses to stay in and will stand just outside of her bedroom door as if "taunting" me. Drives me crazy and I don't know how to get her to listen to me and accept consequences. Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into being about me - I just think you should take advantage of her wanting to be alone when upset - at least for a few minutes.

Best wishes.

Here are my thoughts... It is absolutely okay for a child to "simmer down" on their own AFTER they have heard everything the parent wants to tell them and have been told they can go AND when they go in a respectful manner. What I'm hearing happening to you is not respectful at all. So... Yes, let her calm down on her own, but on your terms. Mad or not, in our house, the kids have to show respect to the parents. And the fact that she can prevent you from entering her room just sounds dangerous to me. I, personally, would not have that. If that means the door comes off the hinges for a while - that's just what it means. Not to sound extreme, but that could easily turn into a dangerous situation. Good luck to you.

One thing you may want to try would be to set up a "safe zone" for her. You could teach her that when she's mad, she needs to go to her corner/tent/safe spot (whatever you create) until she's calmed down. We all need time to chill out when we're mad - as adults we're taught to take a deep breath, walk away, or count to ten before responding when we're upset. Toddlers can't do that yet, so having a safe place to go is teaching her a responsible way to handle her emotions. You can set up the spot with pillows, blankets, stuffed animals or things that are comforting to her, and also include books to look if that helps her regain focus. You can explain (when she's calm) that instead of slamming her door, which is not safe, she can go to "her" special spot, which IS safe. Then you'd supervise her from afar and not interact with her until she's more calm. Most of us can't process angry feelings or talk about them effectively in the moment anyway, so making her try to do it is useless.

As for the hitting and slapping... you'll need to set some clear boundaries. A firm "we don't hit" while looking at her with a serious look should get your message across. Then a time out if necessary (a minute for each year old). You'll need to be consistent and keep your cool (easier said than done of course!)

If it seems that she's more out of control than you'd really expect for her age then an evaluation by a social worker or child psychologist might be a good idea. They can give you a good idea if her behavior is typical or if they think there are any developmental issues to address at this point.

Good luck!

It's funny we were just talking about this at work. My son also is showing signs of I independence but it's a fine line letting them misbehave. My son hits his hand on the table, I assume he's picking this up from daycare. I do explain that is unexceptable. Don't be afraid to be firm- they are testing limits. One mom said she took the door off the hinge. So she can still be able to go to her room just without all the drama.

Try the book, "The Happiest Toddler on the Block". It gives you ways to deal with a frustrated toddler at home and in public. It may help you understand what she is thinking. I agree she probably needs time to cool off, but slamming the door and hitting? Not acceptable. I also would remove the door if it continued. There are rules and there are boundaries. You set them, She follows them or there is a consequence. Have her "help" you make rules, consequences, etc. so she has some control and also understands that if she does "A", then "B" will follow and then you follow through. Keep it simple. If my son deliberately broke a toy, he would have to put it in the garbage. "You treat your toys like garbage, that is where they will end up" He didn't like it one bit, but I will tell you it happened only twice. He is very respectful of his things and of others' things because of this. If he tried to bite or hit, I would say in a loud but calm voice, "NO HIT!" and if it continued, a beloved toy would go away until an apology ( a sincere, tear-free one) was given. It can be exhausting, but you have to be consistent no matter how much she tries to wear you down,
Good Luck!

See YokaReeder.com- she has helped me so much.
best,k

I haven't read the other responses yet. MPO is to let her sit in her room and simmer down. Why are you putting yourself in the position to have her get even more frustrated with you enough for her to hit you? I let both of my kids (even my husband) run to their rooms and scream/cry/whatever - as long as they are not destructive or saying bad words. People need an outlet. If you get stressed at work, you would go for a walk to cool off... same goes with toddlers.

I'm curious as to your whole "schedule" thing. If talking is an issue, take her into the peds office to have her evaluated for speech. My son needed speech and I took him in very late - we lost valuable time for him to get corrected. Potty training is never scheduled. LOL! Look into focusing on one thing at a time and the potty training should be one of those that you completely focus on.

"She also gets mad at ME if she ever gets hurt and acts as if she thinks I did it."
It's funny with terrible-2s that us mommies have to explain things over and over and over and over and over again - that is what you'll have to do when she pulls the "I'm hurt and you are to blame, mommie!" It's aggravating, I know.

Good luck!