Is It Approaching Puberty or What??????

I am so glad I'm not alone in this. I have a 10 year old that has been acting just like this. I thought this kind of behavior didn't start until teen years. Parenting the old kids is definitely harder at times than the younger ones.

D.,

It sounds like it could be pre-puberty, I know with my youngest daughter she starting acting up around 10/11 and last month low and behold she got her first period. She was acting like you describe was good when hubby was home but when he wasn't UGH she was so horrid it was like a totally different child! I did and I would check with your family doc before doing this, I got her some midol or another PMS med and that seems to help alot! Before I found that option I had her goign to bed a little earlier and playing outside to wear her out a little that seemed to help to. Hope this helps you out.

I can't really connect to that yet because my kids are 4 and 5 so I guess I have something to look forward to. But on the other hand I just thinks she feels that since daddy isn't around or here I can do what I want. I think you should put your foot down and punish her if you have to.

I have an 11 yr old daughter and fortunatly didnt go through the rough patch your experiencing with yours but I did go through it with my son (who is now 18) I found that sitting my kids down and having a "family meeting" seemed to work. They just want to be heard alot of the times and are struggling to make their point of view heard. Try it and set some ground rules that there is no yelling, no interupting when someone else is speaking that everyone gets to talk. Start it by saying we are going to talk about whats bothering us and take turns. or something like that and it might help. Try it and see if it works for you.

you nailed it! it will get worse unless you let her know under no uncertain terms what is and is not appropriate behavior. take away her favorite things she loves to do, tv, phone priviledges, going out w/friends. also remove a faavorite item from her room each time she forgets. let her know ahead of time you are going to do this, of course. tell her she has to earn them back. you may have to remove the items from her room when she's not home if she tries to resist the removal. that's what we have to do w/our son who is now 17. that's the only way i have found they will listen and try. you have to have somewhere to store the items---car trunk, hiding place in house or a trunk w/key that only you and your husband have access to. good luck if you decide to try it! but don't make empty threats. and remember you will both live through this and laugh about when she's older. especially when she has kids of her own!

It sounds like we are in the same boat, I have a 9 yr old as well, she is my first born, with major attitude, sounds exactly like yours b/c mine usually is worse with me than her father, she has a 6 yr old brother who she bosses around and is horrible to, and we have a 2yr girl as well. I just wanted to respond b/c we are in the same boat and I am 31, Maybe we could get thru this together...If you find out any good information please let me know. Good Luck!

D.,
This is very common behavior at this age. I just think it is something that happens between moms and daughters (they always treat mom the worst.) I remember my daughter, now 12, did this. I'm kind of easy-going, and a sensitive type, and could not believe that this girl had once been my sweet "little girl"! I suggest that you do make sure that first of all, you treat her respectfully; which does not mean you let her have her way, but that you are aware of her feelings:, i.e. "I know that it may be stressful for you with the new baby on the way", and "I understand that you feel that way, but you behavior is not acceptable". Try not to argue with her or yell at her, but instead tell her you and she are going to have a "meeting" and go through what you want and expect of her,how you expect her to behave, and what the consequences will be if she does not follow through. For example, because my daughter was watching more and more TV and starting on her homework later, we sat down and drew up a contract, which we both had to sign, about after school activities. I made sure to listen to her ideas and we changed some things I had suggested to suit her, which made her feel some what "empowered". That helped us; works much better than just saying, "You've got to stop watching so much TV!". Also, ignoring the behavior COMPLETELY, and that also means ignoring anything she wants -- i.e. if she acts ugly then wants a snack, you just don't hear her, or say, "When you can act like a polite, considerate human being then I will get you a snack". And, as someone else suggested, saying "You can't be my daughter -- you must be an imposter, etc." Now, at age 12, if my daughter starts getting that "mom, you don't know ANYTHING" tone, I just give her a look or say something like, "Don't even start that with me", and that usually takes care of it! She knows she will lose TV/computer/music/phone, etc. Best wishes!

I really understand what you are going through. My eleven year old stepdaughter is the same way. It has been going on for over a year now. She would mainly act up when her father was not at home so not to have him get on to her. She always has to have the last word, will argue over anything, will not follow directions, and so on. We have tried spankings, putting her in a corner, taking away items in her room, not allowing her to go to after school functions or birthday parties, and we are know to the point where she cannot participate in family outings if she has misbehaved. I hate to say but it has yet to change. My husband stands behind me which is great but there are days that I have just wanted to give up and say, "Everyone else can deal with her, I am done"
Alot I have contributed to me being a stepparent (she doesnt have any other mother) and the age. Although I do not have a suggestion for you, I can say I understand what you are going through. It does get hard and frustrating especially when they turn around and act like they are two when they dont get there way. Just stick with it and reassure yourself you are doing a good job.
Oh and there are times that she has gotten mean with her two year old brother and that has pushed my button so bad that I told her if that continued, that items in her room would be taken away permantely that seemed to stop that.

Hi...I have a 15 year old daughter and a 12 year old stepdaughter, 3 sons (ages: 14, 12, 10) and 1 stepson (age 4). Yes, it is the age and yes, it does get worse. Also, she probably feels a little bit threatened with the new baby on the way. Girls like attention and she knows the new baby is gonna take some of that attention away. You have to be patient with her though. Have a night out with her to do anything "she" wants to do. While you're out, discuss with her some ground rules...and stick to them (that's my problem sometimes). Let her know that she will always be your baby and be special even though the new baby will be here soon. Let her know how important she will be to you once the baby gets here...how you need to know you can depend on her to help you with the baby (diaper changing, feedings, baths, etc.). Let her know that if she can show you some responsibility in handling the baby once he/she arrives, once she's and the baby's old enough, she can do the babysitting and you'll reward her with $$$. $$$ always works with my girls. Another thing...keep up with the night out...once a week or once every 2 weeks...just you and your daughter. Do anything...go to the mall and walk around, even if you don't have $$$ to spend...just look, go to a movie, go bowling, go out to eat, etc. My girls love going to the library with me...me to 'cause it's free. Good luck and remember, be patient and talk to her. My mother used to tell me, "When you get tired of talking to her, talk some more and some more and some more."

D.,
Alot of what you are going through in my experiance is a mother and daughter thing. All the mothers of girls that I know have had the same trouble. Part of it is puberty, but the other part is just being defiant. You need to make sure you are consistant with her. Don't make idle threats. If she knows what her punishment will be and she knows that you will go through with it and stick it out for the said amount of time, it will help. Sometimes finding the right punishment is hard, but there is always that one thing. Hang in there though if it doesn't get under control then it may last through all the teenage years. I hope this helps a little.

I'm going through that now with my 10 year old going on 25. SHe has moments when if she doesn't get her way, her maturity goes down to 6, smart comments, rudeness, flat out disobeying me, to a point where I sometimes have to leave the room because she gets me so mad.. Punishing, grounding, etc, doesn't help the mood. She just has to get OUT of the mood. I find that, keeping my voice calm, answering her small questions and ignoring her completely when she acts like this (after I've told her that her behavior is unacceptable) works pretty well. The smarting off and rudeness is usually to get a reaction from me.. when I don't get mad.. and ignore her.. it drives her crazy.. she'll eventually let it go and turn back into my daughter..

I'm still young myself and remember really well being her age. and just to touch on one thing you mentioned - the door slamming - i'll just say it's hard to slam doors when you dont have one. :) ...i slammed my door one too many times, made my dad angry and he kicked it in. not exactly what i recommend you to do being prego and all but it would be kind of funny story too look back on and to tell your girlfriends... attack of the PO'd mom. ...rawr ;)

My son just turned 16 on Sept. 28. When he hit puberty it was like a hurricane hitting. He's has hated me, yelled at me you name it. It has started to settle back down some as he is getting older. As for her slamming the door, I'd take it off the hinges, nothing a girl that age wants more than her privacy. After a few days or a week put it back on, tell her if she slams it again it will come off for good. It may seem harsh but it will let her know you won't tolerate door slamming. My oldest was 12 when my baby came along and he really had a problem with it and showed his tail alot. Once the baby came he settled a good bit.

Hi D.,
Stand your ground with her. As long as you allow her to speak to you this way, and allow her to slam doors she will continue. She doesn't do it with your husband, because he has already set the tone that it will not be accepted. I feel that she maybe doing this because of the new baby. How old is your second child and have you found out the sex of the baby? But, you still have to let her know that your are the mother and she will RESPECT you. Nip it in the bud now, you do not want to deal with this when she is a teenager.

It must be a 9 year old thing. I also have a 9 year old daughter with a attitude. (Sometimes) It does seem to help when I just Ignore her when she acts up. I also tell her that she's not my Morgan that she is her evil twin Meagan. And I don't like her and she can come talk to me when Meagan goes away. She don't like to be called Meagan. So that normally helps real quick. Something so simple helped more then taking everything from her. And I have done that. Cleaned her room out completly. Except her Bed. She is a girly girl and loves to picked her own cloths and change a hundred times a day.So I even took her cloths and I picked out what she would wear. She hated that to. Not completly better. But Better then it was. Hope I helped .

hey D., i just recently worked with a family that had a 9 year old and she was the same way! when i first start working with a family it only takes about a week for them to stop misbehaving. but her mother was in disbeleif that there was a problem so it was the same thing, whenever her mom was around she would talk back and argue and just act ugly. so its good that youre trying to fix it but it must be consistant whatever you decid to do. all i do is set out a very clear line of rules and STICK TO THEM. for example this 9 year old girl loved sweets and her mother would ask her to eat better but would never follow through so when she was with me my rule was one sweet and one salt. everything else had to be healthy. this is something that works because the have a choice but also have to follow the rules. the first couple of days she would test me but after a while she came around and new i wasnt budging! so set the rules and enforce them. now there is also a fine line. you have to pick your battles too or they will just get frusterated an think youre out to get them. you can let things go every once in a while but only if she recognizes that you have the say so. so if she askes your permissiopn that is great. but dont feel like you always have to say yes because they ask nicly. like you said they are SMART and know how to get around most of the things they dont like. remember this builds character and beleive it or not kids are happier when they have structure. they like to know that you approve so give them praise they finally get it!
hang in there, it takes some work but she'll get there!
good luck

Wow, My daughter is nine and will be ten next week. She too is acting the same way. I am so glad to see that it is not just me. I can remember being hormonal and crying or screaming at the drop of a hat. My husband has told our daughter that he would take the door off the hinges if she didn't stop acting out.

I have noticed that when she throws her fit that if I pull her to the side and tell her to get herself together it seem to help. I just give her a few minutes to herself to think about what she is saying or doing. I ask her if she would act that way in front of God. I try to reason with her and talk some sense into her. I've explained to her that she will not talk to me or her brother in that tone and she needs to show others respect.

It amazes me how one minute she can be playing like a child and the next she is acting like an out of control teen. I pray this behavior gets better!

A lot of it I'm sure is just an age thing, but I wanted to give you some insight on her perspective. When I was 10 years old my mom was pregnant, and I hated it! She was tired a lot of the time and couldn't take me to the mall or other activities. I felt like she didn't have the time for me because of the new baby. She was buying baby things and I wanted her to buy me school clothes. I'm sure a lot of this was being selfish, but as a 10 year old girl, it doesn't feel that way, it just feels like you're losing your mom. After the baby was born it was even worse. We had to schedule our lives around the baby's naps and my mom couldn't come to some of my games because the baby was too young to be out in the cold or the baby was sleeping, etc. Just keep that in mind. I'm not in any way making excuses for her, just wanted to maybe make it easier for you to understand what might be up and help to come up with a solution. Hope this helps!

My daughter is doing the same thing..one minute she is laughing and the next she is screaming and crying and slamming the door. She is 10 and has been like this for about a year. I think the problem might be puberty. When she starts acting like this I ignore her until it stops, which is about a half hour. When she gets smart mouthed I get in her face and tell her to watch who she is talking to. My husband is not home every night either. Hope this helps.

D.,
I'm reading through a book "Reviving Ophelia-Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls" It was a NY Times Bestseller by Mary Pipher,Ph.D.
I lot of it is that girls are going through puberty a lot earlier now and also there is a lot of pressure from our culture, girls become isolated, moody, one minute they are the little girl you brought up the next they look at you like you're from another planet and don't know a thing. I really do recommend reading the book you will understand what girls go through today (and it's not what you and I went through) hopefully you will be able to undertand her and reconnect with her.