2 Year Old Tantrums in Front of Guests

Welcome to the terrible twos.

Best thing to do is ingore her tantrums.

The ones she does in front of guests is her way of demanding attention.

Whe all of the adults ingonre her, and she sees it does no good she will stop.

Two books I recommend: "A Family of Value" by John Rosemond and "Making the 'Terrible' Twos Terrific!" The 'Family' book is a more recent publication, and so repeats some of the information in the 'Twos' book; but it's a book that covers a general attitude toward parenting that applies throughout childhood. I recommend reading it first because Rosemond explains how he came to his views on child rearing, because initially they had a three-year-old holy terror despite doing everything "the right way".

The 'Twos' book explains the changes a kid goes through between 18 months and 36 months and what the parents' role is, and how to keep your sanity while not letting your kid take over the home. Rosemond gives more detailed examples of various problems, and encourages parents to find solutions that work with their kids and with the parents' understanding of their child's development. I've found the information helpful as we approach 18 months. I am just waiting for my angel to turn into a holy terror. Not looking forward to it, but I figure if I expect it, I won't be [as] dismayed when it actually happens.

Good luck!

You are not alone. My 2 1/2 year old did that last night...we were invited to eat and exchange gifts with some close friends. They have a daughter almost the same age as ours and they play great together. I think the tantrum was brought on because she was all happy playing and really did not want to leave. We stayed rather late and it was past her bedtime. So maybe she was just overtired. But also my husband just walked in and picked her up and walk toward the front door without any warning to her. I've found that if I give some warning like 5 minutes before, "we are going home soon...say goodbye to your friend...". And then a few minutes later think of something at home she likes to play with or see...to begin talking about that so that she starts making the transition in her little head before we actually leave...this usually heads off tantrums. But not always. I am paranoid about raising a child that is impolite or disobedient, but the pediatrician and even other friends of small children say that at 2, they are searching for things in their world that they can have some control over. Eating, going to bed, what they wear...and how they behave in front of mommy and daddy's guests or when we go out. I guess it's very normal behavior and to turn it into a screaming match (which is tempting when we as parents are tired too) will only make matters worse. The best we could do last night was just let her throw her fit, I somehow got her shoes on during the ordeal and then we let her walk around the living room a bit. Our hosts graciously commented on how it's normal, etc. And since they know my daughter likes candles, she lit a candle (to distract her) and then slyly walked toward the front door with it and my daughter followed so she could blow it out...we got home without further incident. My advice: be consistant in letting your daughter know what is acceptable or not and put her in another room (where she is safe from harm of course, but as far as she is concerned, 'out of your sight') that way she loses her audience and hopefully it will play out quickly. Explain what you and your husband feel is appropriate about her behavior right after. Also, be sure that she gets enough quality mommy and daddy time on the days you'll have guests...maybe that will reassure her. And maybe you could give her little jobs to help be a hostess, like carry a napkin to each person, etc. My daughter likes to be involved like that. But remember that this is normal behavior, albeit embarrassing for us, and so it sounds like you are doing the best you can. Good luck in this busy holiday season! Hope this helps. J

It is a phase and you are doing the right thing. Having an only child, I understand what you are going through. We emphasized sharing when she got bad. You could try using one of her favorite toys and letting her "share" it with you. Then you "share" it with your husband and make a game out of passing it around the room. This may help her understand that she has to share her mom and dad with other people. Until she figures that out, keep up with the punishment you see fit. If you ever give in, it'll be 10 times harder to start over.
J.

Hey A., well i hope for you that this is the only outburst you ever have but alas, it probalby won't be...LOL...sounds like you're on the right track. My oldest tried the throwing a tantrum thing, we sent him to his room but didn't allow him to come out...they didn't last long, if no one's watching then it defeats the purpose of the fit. when she comes out put her back in her room, tell her if she wants to throw fits that's ok but no one wants to watch....you may even have to hold the door shut from outside her room...A., you just have to stay consistant till she figures out that it's just not going to get her any attention. Yes it is embarrasing, but just hang in there, she's just testing the waters...and i promise she will do it again, just remember, strong willed children grow up to be the leaders in all that they do, they simply have to learn to come under authority and you're it right now in her world. Good Luck, it's all worth it, i have 2 adult strong willed boys and they are amazing men....R.

You are right. She wants attention. I am the mother of four boys who are all very different. The baby who is now 7 used to have temper tantrums and do the same thing. I found some wonderful books and an organization called Love and Logic institute and they have the parenting with love and logic books and material. She needs an outlet but it is not acceptable to act the way she is acting so basically with this system you don't scream or react you simply give her choices to make and a little sympathy. It is amazing how much it works. She is also in her terrible twos I assume and it could be a phase but she should not think her behavior is acceptable. You basically tell her she can stay in the room with you and be sweet to everyone or she can go to her room and scream and pitch a fit that you are sorry but you don't want to hear it. Every time she comes out of her room and starts pitching a fit you give her the choice to go back and do that behavior in her room. If she is in her room and screaming loudly ask her if she would like the door shut or open and if she continues to scream you just say okay you chose to have the door shut and shut it. It takes consistency and a lot of energy at first but she will get the idea. Please look up the love and logic institute on the internet they have great materials - I have only given you a short example! Good luck! Keep smiling and don't let her know she is getting to you : )

Now you know why they call it the terrible two's! The advice already given is great. The main thing you have to do is stay calm, because you having a fit or losing it when she does only role models the behavior in her you are trying to change. Also, be consistent, do not give in to her fits. If you have to hold the door during her time out, do so, but don't let her come out until YOU say it is OK. This is the age when she must begin learning that it is her job to mind you. It takes a while for them to get it, so be patient and try not to take it personally! If they learn that your threats are meaningless and just nagging, they learn to ignore you. You don't want that! Hang in there. It will just be a phase if you are consistent, loving and firm. Be sure to give her lots of attention when she is minding and let her know that you will pay a lot of attention to her when she is doing what you ask. Attention from a parent is VERY rewarding at this age! Don't talk it to death. Spending a lot of time trying to reason with a child of this age who has virtually no ability yet to reason is only inadvertently reinforcing the very behavior you want to stop. It might be helpful for you and your husband to start having a few minutes a day where you tell her it is Mommy's and Daddy's time to share with each other and if she interrupts she will have to go to time out. She won't like this at first, but she will begin to understand that she has to share you. This will make it a LOT easier when the relatives or friends come over. Also, make sure she is getting the rest she needs and that her schedule stays consistent. Nothing will make this phase go away immediately, but do these things and a year from now it will be much better in all likelihood! Enjoy Christmas with her!

My daughter went through a similar phase just before and after she turned three. Don't give her the ability to run out of the room: put up a baby gate or turn the door knob around and lock it from the outside. Tell her that when she is ready to be nice she may come out...it may take a few tries, but she would rather be with you than alone, so it does work. Generally the first few times are the hardest because they are testing YOU and YOUR RULES and patience. If you give in even once in the first 2 weeks, she'll know she's got you and you will have an even harder battle to win.

With my DD I told her "Mommy likes to be with nice people, call me when you can be nice" and I put her in her room screaming with the baby gate up. The first few times it went on with the screaming anywhere from 15-25 minutes, after that it was never any more than about 5 minutes. Still at age 7, if she's being ugly I will tell her to go to her room until she's ready to be nice, I will not tolerate her being ugly to me or our guests. She goes in, a few minutes later she's calmed down and she comes out--it just gives them a way to relieve their frustrations in their own space and then be ready to move on with the day.

~M.

(Very sleepy when I wrote this. Editing to make it easier to understand. Sorry!)

You're doing it exactly right. Welcome to two in a BIG way! :)

Just keep your boundaries firm, always, "ignore" the tantrum behavior as much as possible (for the attention-seeking fits, I usually said "I can't talk to you when you're this upset. When you're calmer, then we can talk about it." Then I set her in her room and walked away), and give lots of positive attention for acting "right." When my daughter (now 6) started in with similar tricks, I thought someone had replaced my precious baby with an angry puppy! Everyone said "they grow out of it. It's 2!" I didn't believe them. You know what? They were right. She grew out of it. Each new age and each new developmental stage brings unique challenges. But 2 was one of the hardest. Maybe it just has the shock of the unfamiliar? LOL

Tantrums are usually caused by hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, or a desire for attention. For the worst tantrums, I often found that cuddling my daughter on my lap helped her to calm down. I just held her, arms tucked up tight, not speaking until the fit was over. It was a good way to lower her stimulation level. When she was calmer, we'd be able to go back to sun and smiles.
Good luck. It will pass!

Its a phase. It's a phase. It's a phase. And a bad one!

I think we would just agree as a group that if one of ours did that we would all sit there and look at the child silently with a perplexed expression on our faces. None of us would say anything. Maybe we wouldn't look at the child. At any rate there would be NO reaction. That's what they want.

Now editing after reading other response. I recall that my second son always had these when he was hungry and my older one when he was tired. They don't grow out of these completely but the triggers may always be the same for the individual child.

I also have a very headstrong daughter and this is what worked with her....Giving her choices. Many times children feel like they have no contorl over their lives, mom or dad tell them what to wear, when to eat, what to eat, etc. By giving the child choices, they feel like they are in control (when actually, you still are!). The key is to give 2 choices with each question (and ask as many as possible to give them more choices), either choice you are happy with.

Example:
When your daughter tells you she is thirsty, you say:
Would you like the red cup or the orange one?
Would you like juice or milk?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or at the dining room table?

This works with discipline too...
When your daughter shows inappropriate behaviour, you say:
That behaviour is not acceptable in our home (or at church, or at the supermarket, etc.), would you like to spend 5 minutes time out in on your bed or in the dining room chair? If the child refuses to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Again, if they refuse to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Eventually they will see that the time is getting longer and longer and will choose.

The tough part is sticking with it in the beginning. When they refuse to choose (when it's not discipline) or try to give another option, you choose for them and STICK TO IT. This teaches them that if they won't choose from your options that you will take control back and choose for them. It won't take very long until they will choose because they will learn that if they don't you will choose for them and take the control away. If they refuse to choose (when it is discipline) you just keep upping the time and at some point you just stick with it so they will remember the next time that the punishment is worse if they don't choose.

My daughter is now 17 and a wonderful young lady, however, at 2 she was driving me crazy because she was so stubborn and strong willed. This method worked wonders on her, even in her potty training. These children won't do what you want them to do just because you want them to do it, they won't do it until they decide to do it and that can be quite frustrating!

Good luck!!!

Praise her good behavior immediately, b/c you may not get another chance. :) I mean she may not be good for the rest of the visit. If she sees she can get attention for the good behavior, then maybe she will let go of the bad. Also, try to find something for her to do while she is still being good. That way maybe she will be too distracted to remember to act up. Just remember, this too shall pass. One thing you could do is have a toy hunt. I use to hide matchbox cars around the room. My son loved looking for them. If you did this, you would have a few minutes to chat while she looked, and before you had to hide them again. Just keep them in the room you're in so that she still feels she is part of the action. You could also let her color or something in the room with you, and occasionally join her so she knows she is not forgotten. Good luck.

Its funny...i came on here to ask almost the same question. My girl turned 2 in october and it has been a huge turnaround from the baby she used to be! Good luck and i will probably post something similar soon if it continues. So glad i am not alone in this!

Try to figure out what's bothering her. Little children's minds are so different from our own.

Whether a particular situation calls for punishment or doesn't, try starting with an empathetic, "you sound really upset right now." Maybe she's just kind of overwhelmed.

There's a really great book you can flip through that I think is incredibly helpful. It's called Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey.

L.