2 Yrs Old Big Tantrums

Hi C.,
I don't agree at all with the "leave them completely alone" comments.

I have a 4-year old daughter who's temper tantrums thank goodness are almost completely gone now. At ages 2 to 3 there were some biggies.

I always try to look at my own actions to see if I could have stopped or at least lessened he intensity of, my daughter's temper tantrums.

Things that I have learned: never say the word "NO" - instead you can say "yes you can have more toothpaste tomorrow, yes you can have more in the morning, etc. Respond with the future in mind; I used to do time-outs but finally figured out that they raised her intensity and just made it worse. I moved on to counting to 3 then taking toys or TV away from her for 24 hour periods. If she'd ask for those things during her break time, I'd say you can have those at tomorrow (or whatever time we had ended up at) and ask her why that was - she always knew, she'd answer back to me that it was because she had lost them for that period of time.

If your daughter's tantrums are really intense, and it sounds like they may be, I have heard that some kid's emotions get so out of control that they scare themselves. I have heard of holding them tightly in your lap in a way that they can't hurt you, and just rocking and saying repetitive, soothing things.

If she lost it in public, I would carry her to a quiet place and hold her tightly until she stopped. There were times when she'd be trying to hit, kick, or head-butt me and that was hard, but I'd hold her in a way that she couldn't do it.

I've never looked at temper tantrums as "bad things" - every person deserves and should feel their own emotions. She is expressing her anger. As she gets older she'll figure out more appropriate ways to do this. What she is doing is completely age- appropriate (although not very fun for the parent!).

There is a good book that talks about this - The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp. https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3D...

There's also Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelson which are excellent: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3D...

With some patience, self-awareness and the right tools, you can come out of this time with a closer relationship with your daughter. fyi - I have heard over and over again that if you make the efforts to be emotionally supportive (but not over-indulgent or lacking discipline), your relationship with your kids will be a huge improvement over most, even during the teenage years.

I know people who have used these tools with their kids and who have emotionally stable teenagers who are doing amazingly well, and have great relationships with their parents.

Good luck!

The one thing I would suggest that has worked with both kids, even with the same scenario as you are describing (wanting more toothpaste). I don't flat out say "No!" The word in it of itself can cause the tantrum, not so much the not getting more toothpaste. Try to say no a different way and redirect as much as possible. For example, I can usually tell when my son is going to ask for something and even what he is going to ask for, at night after he gets his jammies on he always say, "can I brush my teeth all by myself?" If I just said no, there would be a meltdown. I say, "of course you can, let me get the sugar bugs off first, then it's all yours" He is thrilled. So instead of No. You could say it many different ways.. Wow! that sounds like so much fun, but if we keep putting toothpaste on the brush, we'll run out! Then what will we do you big silly! How about you put toothpaste on the brush one last time!? obviously, you put in your own words but keep a fun, calm, mellow tone. Another example, my son loves going to Target to look at the toys, he'll say, "I want that!" again, if I said No or something negative like, we aren't here to buy you a toy! then he'd have a tantrum. Instead I pause, look at the toy and say something like, "oh, you want that toy, don't you? I can see why, it looks really cool, maybe we'll get it for Christmas or your Birthday" we walk away and all is well. All because he thinks Mommy at least understands how he feels and look, I didn't say no and I didn't say yes. Those are just a couple of examples. Redirecting is another thing I do that works like a charm everytime. An example in our home might be if I see my son wants something my daughter is playing with and I can tell he isn't going to give up asking her for it without a fight, I'll intervene early enough so that he doesn't even notice that I am trying to take him away from the situation, I'll say, in an excited voice, "Brady! Can you help me feed the dogs?" Or Help me get the laundry out of the dryer? or Let's go find that red car you've been looking for. Etc..

Tantrums are normal. What your daughter did.. perfectly normal. I know you want to cry as you stated but try not to, if she is in a safe place, let her work it out. She doesn't have the language yet, so screaming and crying is what works right now. You can help by remaining calm and helping her to use her words. "Oh my gosh, you are so upset right now, aren't you?" she may stop altogether here and just stare at you, at which time you'd have a golden opportunity to show her you understand how she feels... "you wanted to put more toothpaste on your toothbrush didn't you?, that is fun!, how about we do it one more time and then we'll do it again tomorrow night, ok?" If she isn't calming down then just make sure she is safe while working it out and when she is calm you can talk to her. Keep things as simple as possible but do use your words, she understands alot!

Hope this helps a little!
M.

This is the age and the stage of tantrums. "Terrible Two's" segue into the three's and four's as well....by the time they are 5-6 years old....it starts to taper off. Head's up. It is NOT just at 2 years old when the "tantrum" phase hits. Girls can also be more "drama" and emotional.

Many times, you want to distract them (give her something else to play with etc.)... and redirect. Or, before you even start an activity, or before going to a store for example, EXPLAIN to them what the plan is, what you expect from them, and the consequences if they don't behave. Head off the storm so to speak. You can't always give in. You need to pick your battles. There will be LOTS of tantrum-y situations. Use your tone of voice... kneel down to their level, look at them in their eyes, stay calm, don't yell, but be firm and say "no." Then, switch and go about your business. Repeat this cycle as needed. Children learn by repetition. If you start to "whine" or get frustrated and your voice escalates or gets high-pitched, the child will too.

At night it can happen more, because they are tired. Tired=fussy=tantrums.

If you know something will trigger a tantrum in her... then you need to be prepared for that or think of something else to replace the object with.

Give positive reinforcement...when she does cooperate- hug her and give her high-fives etc. One of the first words I taught my girl from before she was 2 years old, was the word "compromise." I used the word often and explained to her what it meant in a way that she would understand.... I would say "compromise. Share and take turns" etc. Pretty soon she would repeat the word to people when she wanted something too and she wouldn't get as tight-fisted with the object at hand.

I tried to stay away from "bribing" and rewarding her with treats etc. This works, but it can get out of hand, and then it can created a "habit" in them to always want something. Choose your battles and "reward" methods per the situation or desperateness of it. LOL.

But really, this is that age in which everything to a 2 year old can be difficult and emotional. They will have a melt-down for any little thing sometimes. But they need to learn that it will not get them everything all the time. Sometimes "no" is just "no."

Sometimes they get more tantrum-y because they are tired and don't get enough sleep... and it also happens sometimes because they are hungry and need food in them. For my daughter, it's food too. Like many women, if we are hungry and don't eat, we get grumpy and edgy. LOL. I know I do. Kids are that way too.

My daughter would also want MORE and MORE toothpaste... it's the age. My friends kids did that too at this age. We can't exactly give them the whole tube. So, yes, they will yell and tantrum. Tell them "no" and walk away, or just put away the toothbrush and toothpaste. As they mature, and as they come to know "rules" and boundaries, and as they learn that when you say "no" it means no more for them...well, they will tantrum....but hopefully they will be able to realize that you mean it.

With 2 kids, the first being a spirited girl, I"ve learned that if they tantrum, let them. Unless it is really something dangerous for them, and within reason... I let them tantrum it out. If they see no reaction in you and know that they can't "push your buttons", it can help to diffuse the degree of it.
Easier said that done sometimes. But, build a "habit" in them for the better...meaning, if you give in to them every time there is a tantrum, they will come to expect that. If you teach them that you mean it when you say things, they will come to understand that as well. But also keep in mind the age and "stage" they are in... and keep it age appropriate.

It's also a good idea to teach them the "names" of their feelings...and let them "practice" expressing themselves so that instead of getting frustrated they can "learn" how to say it, how to articulate it. When my girl is having a melt-down... I'll give her a chance to "tell" me what is going on using her "vocabulary." Sometimes she will even tell me "I'm just grumpy and tired. I want quiet...." or "I just want to be by myself to calm down, I don't need help." Many times, for my girl, she just gets more "irritated" if I try to step in. So, "she" taught me that she needs her space when she is like this. This is just one example of the benefits of teaching them how to use "vocabulary" and appropriate words for "telling us" how they feel. Even at an early age. It all contributes to their ability to communicate.

Believe me, with little girls especially, and per this age set, there will be MANY more tantrum situations. Consistency is key, and make sure you and Hubby use the same methods, or it will send contradictory signals to the child.

Good luck,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Sounds like the typical 2yr old. Distraction and ignoring it is the only way to go. Don't worry it will pass and then she will be onto the next tantrum over some other small thing. Its just the way of the 2yr old.

I have 2 year old twins and know your pain. I agree with the explaining & distracting thing but it doesn't always work. Just stay consistent and don't give in. Either you will win or she will. It can't be her. Also-- I've noticed they most often happen if I let them stay up past 7/730. You may want to try putting her down earlier.

Good luck.

Hi C.,

My son who is almost 2 yrs old has done the same thing to me with regard to brushing his teeth. I know he likes the flavor of the toothpaste and that is the reason for the hard time he gives me when it's time to stop brushing. On the nights I don't want the drama I use a different flavor that isn't so sweet tasting and he isn't interested like before.

Good Luck

*Disclaimer* I'm a mean mommy.

Put her in her room or crib (somewhere safe) and walk away. It's likely that she'll stop crying about the toothpaste and start crying because you left. Come back after a minute or two and ask if she wants to come with you. If she says yes then tell her to stop crying. If she does great. If not leave her there and go away again.

Don't try to explain anything to her if she is crying. The next time you brush her teeth tell her before hand that she can't have too much toothpaste because it will give her a tummy ache.

Different things work for different children. This tactic would work with my 2 yr old. But it would never have worked with my now 8 yr old. With her I would have had to put her in her room for nearly an hour for her to calm down.

Sounds like she know what she wants, there is a good possibility you will give it to her and that if she cries and tantrums you will react in some way. This is where punishment sets in...nothing mean or harsh but a time out/thinking time/chair time to think about how she is behaving and the fact that it isn't acceptable. Of course you have to have the clear rule that when you say "no" that is the end of it and she will be punished if she reacts. Kids are smart! They know what to do to manipulate you into feeling bad for them and possibly giving into them.

It does sound like she is strong willed which is why she carries on crying for so long. The strong willed are the hardest to punish because they are so persistent no matter what you do. The most important thing is to be clear with them and tell them what will happen if they don't comply. For instance with the toothpaste...you say "that's all, we are done now" when you put the last bit on the toothbrush and when she starts to react you say "we are done, do you want time out or do you want to go play with your toys?" It won't be easy but it's the only way you will get her past the tantrums. That's my philosophy on it.