20 Month Old Lil Girl, Tantrums!!!!

My son went through a nasty tantrum stage around that age, but it went away pretty quickly (he is 22 months old now). With my son, when he was hungry or tired, he would do it much more often, that is easy enough to fix. They are really becoming independent now, and they still can't tell you exactly what they want. The other day when you were getting her food out, she probably really didn't want that, even though that may be what she said. Luckily, tantrums are just a phase, so do the best you can and it will stop at some point. Also, once he started to communicate better, I could often talk to him about leaving a place, or doing something he doesn't want to do by explaining what we are going to do next. If we're leaving the park, before he gets upset I tell him we're going home to see daddy, or to the grocery store to get bananas, and I try to say it in a way that sounds good to him (seeing a certain person or thing he likes to see). That helps distract him a bit, and he is looking forward to whatever we're doing next, even if it's mundane, like grocery shopping. The one time he had a tantrum in a store, we left, and I try to talk to him and get out what he actually wants when he gets upset at home, but will ignore him if he won't talk to me (it does work for us, but it depends on the child), as soon as he knows he has lost my attention, he normally stops.

The years during which a child is becoming aware of herself as a separate being, with desires and needs of her own, are particularly challenging, because she has parents who want and need an entirely different outcome of events on their own predetermined schedules. Go to Payless? What a wonderland of things to touch, examine, play with! Shelves and shelves full of curiosities!

Will mom let that happen? Nope. No time, too much risk of breakage, maybe other kids to keep track of, worry about other adults' eardrums and judgements. So the child is told NO! to almost everything she wants. Is the child frustrated? Well, um, yes. And going to the store becomes something entirely too frustrating for the average 1-to-3 year old.

So, add the complication of this happening to the child more or less continuously in all sorts of situations, the child being short, at her age, of impulse control or emotional alternatives, having poor language skills to express her longings, having virtually no power to change anything, and possibly being tired, hungry, or already over-manipulated. The ages of around 2 through 3 are extremely difficult and frustrating for kids, and also for parents who don't understand why they are so frustrated.

I've found it much more helpful and less stressful, rather than to correct or punish that inevitable frustration, to anticipate and allow for it if we can't avoid it. You are learning when your daughter is most likely to have a meltdown. To whatever degree possible, provide calm and cheerful distraction and redirection. Be sure she's fed and rested before trips out. Be aware that all those consumer goods are attractive to her, and give her supervised chances to pick up and examine things. Talk to her about what they're for, what they do. Find ways to say "yes" to her as often as possible, by anticipating her legitimate interests and needs. Give as many positive choices as possible – this requires some thoughtful planning, but it's so worth it. For example, "Should we go down this aisle, or that aisle? Do you want to look at the sandals first, or the tennies?" And keep a "special" toy for shopping trips – something that she gets to play with at no other time, to hand her when she's getting bored or frustrated with all she can't have.

You mention that you know why she's getting upset, so work with what you already know. Your daughter desperately needs this from you, because she's clearly expressing needs that are not being met. Find ways to avoid the situation, or learn to empathize with her very strong desires. Often, just having an adult help put words to her wishes, and knowing you care, can completely shift the energy into something more positive and playful. Check out how Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block, accomplishes this miracle here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&f...

do u try hugging it out? i swear it works ..my son is now 4..i never had to deal with huge tantrums b/c i ask immediately "do you need a hug?" and he stops and always says "yes i do" then we talk about what's bothering him..sometimes i will get upset and now he says to me "lets hug it out mom"

I think Michelle L. gives some good advice.

My son turned 2 in April and is also 'communicating' his frustrations through occasional (and not-so occasional) tantrums. Just this morning he asked for a specific item to eat and then threw a fit when I gave it to him - so I get where you're coming from. I think the best thing you can do is acknowledge how they're feeling, but be firm and consistent in your response without giving in to the tantrum. As an example, this morning I just said, "Okay, Kieran, you asked for xyz so it's here when you're ready to have it. Why don't you want it?" He whined that he wanted a 'new' one (which it was) and I just explained that it was a new one, that I wouldn't be making another one and if he needed time to calm down, that's fine but it would be there for him when he was ready.

Another example, yesterday we had to leave a friend's house because it was dinner time and he was very upset that he had to leave and started crying. I said, "are you frustrated because you want to play some more?" "yes" he whined, er responded, "well, that's okay, I understand your frustrated and angry, but we need to go home now because it's dinner time and you'll get to play with your friend again later". This didn't stop the crying completely, but he did begin to calm down. I just kept repeating that I understood he was frustrated and that it's okay be frustrated, but basically this is the way that it is. When he's like this I also always ask him if he needs a timeout to calm down. I don't pose it like it's a terrible punishment (the goal isn't to upset him more), but like it's an option for him to have some time to unwind and gather himself. I want him to understand that it's not an acceptable behavioral response, but it's okay to be frustrated and to teach him how to deal with those frustrations. Sounds complicated for a 2 year old which is why we're here to guide them.

Ultimately, your kids will behave with others how you've taught them to behave, but will test their boundaries to see how much they can get away with. Just remember she is 2 and like Michelle L. said you can always leave the store;)

Good luck!
S.

If you are in a store & she is having a tantrum, LEAVE. no one needs sandals that bad & no one who throws a big fit gets new shoes.

At home, give her space to throw a fit & don't get sucked into her tantrums. She has a right to be mad & even throw a fit if she needs to. Don't invalidate how she is feeling by telling her "it's not so bad" or "you shouldn't be sad/mad/angry/hurt..."

After she is calm, then you can talk.

Be very clear with your parents about your parenting beliefs so that they support them and enforce them with their own behavior. everyone's lives will become doubly difficult it your daugher gets what she wants from the granparents every time she throws a fit.

Be consistent & be loving & you can't go wrong. If you are, it will pass. If you're not, you will have a lifelong fit-thrower on your hands.

It's an emotional age. They really can't communicate well at 20 months and get frustrated when the world doesn't work the way they want. I'd say to use time outs and be consistant and calm. Don't try to bribe her to behave. Just remove her from the situation and place her somewhere to calm down.

Welcome to the fun time called "the terrible two's".

If she melts down in a store-you leave immediately. If she melts down at home, you need to ignore it(I would put my daughter in her crib and walk out). It will be hard but you have to do it. Since you are moving in with your parents you need to set up some ground rules. Your parents can't give into her every whim, essentially negating what you say. Or else the next year+ will not be pleasant.

GL!

The best thing I have found to work with my son is that you need to spot her bad attitude very quickly. As soon as she starts with a sour face or a whine or a hrmphy tone you need to tell her to sit down (for us it is the bottom step of the stairs) and change her attitude. If from there she tantrums then send her to her room.

You need to be extremely consistent with this and very perceptive about when you notice the first sign of a bad attitude and put a stop to it immediately.

My mistake was allowing my son to have his bad attitude that just would escalate and escalate until it was an all out tantrum and then I was totally frazzled.

Secondly, you don't have much power if you aren't the one in the home actively working on this. But try to explain to your Dad exactly what you are trying to work on with her and hopefully he'll follow your example.

Well, I have one suggestion that many may not like, but it is harmless. Carry a spray bottle with water and when she throws a tantrum, spritz her in the face. Once you have her attention, then use some of the suggestions from the other moms. I like the hugs one. My daughter is going through the same thing and they use time out and they also put his toys in time out. He is testing them every day and both of his parents are united in their response. Consistency and patience. It doesn't last forever. If you give in once, you will regret it later. Make your parents part of the plan and have them follow it too or you will be screwed. All parties taking care of her must agree to a battle plan, for this is a battle of wills and only by being in control and strong can you provide the security your daughter needs.