20 Month Old Son Still Sleeping in Our Bed...

Yes, you should do what you feel is right for you. If you want a professional's opinion look up Dr. Sears and his "attachment parenting". However, if you are planning of having another baby in the next year or two, I would worry about the older one waking when you get up to feed the baby. He is not going to be a 12 year still sleeping with you, eventually he will want his own space.

If this situation works well for you, your husband, and child then why change it? My 5 year old daughter still sleeps with me almost every night. She starts in her own bed and ends up in mine in the middle of the night. All too soon your son will want privacy and would be humiliated to sleep in your bed. Enjoy it while you can. Sleeping with you will not make him co-dependent as long as you teach him to be independent in other areas. Only do for him that which he can not do for himself. Teach him how to do things and have high (but reasonable) expectations. Love him, but don't baby him and he will be fine.

No big deal! Enjoy your baby while you can.

Megan - you are making a big mistake allowing your son to sleep with you. This is a no brainer

As you said I am sure you will get some very strong opinions on this one, but not from me. We do not let our kids sleep with us for the plain reason that my husbabd and I enjoy that alone time together. Not to mention I have three and trying to actually sleep with them in the bed is near impossible. On the other hand, my mom was a S. mom and I slept with her till I was in about fourth grade.... Was I co-dependant? Maybe.... Was that an issue? Not at all! I have turned out just fine. I lost my mom when I was a freshman in college so if anything I cherish the fact that we had a closer relationship. Snd who's to say that our relationship was from me sleeping with her... It was just our family dynamic! I say you and only you know what's best for your little one. Go with your heart. If things are fine the way they are then I will be the last one to say make a change!

Good luck!
H.

Megan, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Don't let people tell you different. Your son won't be coming home from college and getting into bed with you, I promise. This is the only time that they are little and when he get's too big to sleep in your bed, he'll sleep in his own bed. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. It's no big deal. My 4 year old slept in bed with my husband and I until he was 2 and a half. By that time, he was just getting too big and no one was sleeping well. I was pregnant with our second child and we just thought it was a good time to move him to his bed permantly. We made his "big boy" room amazingly awesome. We made it the best room in the house so that he would love it. Now he sleeps in his own bed every S. night. Now the baby who is now 16 months old sleeps in our bed. They are happy, healthy, well adjusted kids. We're all fine. It's fine!!!

Well I don't know about about the validity of the co-dependence argument but everyone needs their space. You need to be honest with yourself about why you feel a need to have your son in the same bed as you and your husband. I'm alittle curious as to why you didn't mention how your husband feels about this arrangement. Your son will benefit from having his own space and should understand that you have yours. You can cuddle all you want but he needs to know that he will be safe in his own room. It becomes a matter of privacy both his and yours. You may want to talk to your husband about this also because he is the reason and a big part of your family.

I am so impressed with all the responces. I too think it should be what works for you and we all know they will leave the bed before reaching adulthood. I had thought we would do the family bed approach but found I could not sleep so used a side car option with the open crib next to our bed. I don't think there is a right or wrong...you do what is right for your family and just don't discuss it with your MIL. She means well but I personally am amazed how opinionated people are about this. One can voice an opinion without being rude and having the I am right and you are wrong approach. I commend you for doing what you think is best for your family! You go girl!!

Sincerely,
K. B

www.shaklee.net/takecontrol

I did the same thing. My daughter slept in the bed with my husband and me from the time she was born. I was always nice to have her there and I slept so much better know she was safe beside me. However, she is now almost nine years old and she will go to sleep in her bed, but 5 out of 7 nights she will still come and get in the bed with me. It is kind of turning into a pain because now is a lot bigger than she use to be and I get very little sleep because there is not enough room in the bed for all of us. That is a habit we are now trying to break and it is really really difficult. My advice would be to try and start having him only sleep with you a couple nights and in his own bed a couple nights. Or sometimes if she stays in her bed during the week we will let her bring her sleeping bag in the room and sleep in the same room with us.
I used to have a lot of people tell me it wasn't good and that it was harming my husband and mine realtionship, blah, blah, blah. I think only you know what is best for the child, so just do what you feel is right, trust God and you can't go wrong.

My one year old still sleeps with us too. I used to get all kinds of negative opinions from my parents too. But that was until they saw how his personality was developing. He's a happy, well-adjusted baby, and I think a big part of it is because of that security that he gets. He doesn't sleep the whole night with us. He had a mattress next to ours that he goes down on for the first part of the night, but when we go to bed he usually gets up there with us. And they'll grow out of wanting to sleep with you. You don't need to force independence on them. The "terrible twos" are simply the baby's natural time of asserting their independence. So keep doing what you feel is best for you and your baby!

I'm 33 and have a 10 yr old (soon to be 11 yr old) and a 13 mth old. My daughter (10) slept with me until I got big pregnant with my son (13 mth old). She has always had her own bedroom completely furnished. Now my son sleeps with me and has since the day he came home from the hospital. I know the worries about rolling over, etc but I've never had that problem. For me it was comforting to wake up and see them sleeping. I heard the first movement, sound and didn't have to wait for it be loud or heard on a monitor. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I believe it gives them a since of security. When my daughter got ready, she moved into her own bed. I'm not married but I'm with my son's father and we move sex around the children, hey it makes it interesting to see where we can perform privately. So if it was me and mine, I would let him stay until he wanted to sleep in his own bed or until it became a problem for me. Sometimes now my bed is completely full. And it makes me happy to wake up and see both of my children sleeping! It's one of my favorite moments!!! Hope this helps!

I don't know you or your son. So, I won't tell you how attached your child is b/c every child is different.
Here's what I will tell you. I'm another mom who has seen God take care of my family. My boys are 9 and 8. But, when they were small me & their Dad separated for a few yrs. We are back together now, but we did have to go through a lot a long the way. I clung to my boys. Family is everything to me, but I found that when I urged them to sleep on their own and told them the boundaries they became more independant. Not in a weird "I never need anyone" way, but they gained a real confidance. They know I love them, but everyone needs boundaries to grow and mature. I think I just didn't want them to grow up. Once I accepted that part, life became easier.
Ok. here were our boundaries: snuggle and 1 story in their bed and nothing more until "God turns the lights on" haha morning. I refused to give in and they came to accept that. I hope some of this helps. ~Jess~

There's no harm in sleeping with your little cuddlebug! I slept with my 3 kids for varying lengths of time depending on how comfy we all were. I did start a bedtime ritual around your son's age so that the child went to sleep earlier than I did - I loved those couple of hours to myself at night. Tell a story, sing a song, snuggle and good night. It's a great rhythym to establish.
All 3 of my kids went to their own beds around 3 where we continued the bedtime ritual. I didn't continue sleeping all together because I just didn't sleep well that way. And I found my kids seemed to have a better night's sleep when they were in their own beds. I also told my kids they could get in bed with me in the morning when they heard the first bird sing. What delight to wake to 3 snugglebugs excited to hear the first bird!
My children are all grown now (youngest 21, oldest 28) They are strong, independent adults who are affectionate and still love to cuddle.
Your family, your way! You'll find lots of support for family bed at www.mothering.com.
Happy Cuddling!
E.

If having your child sleep in your bed isn't disrupting your sleep or your marriage, then who cares what other people think? Do what works for you.

I know exactly how you feel about the security and comfort of your baby being in the bed next to you. My son(6yrs) slept with me and my husband from birth until he was probably @18 or 19mo. I nursed him until he was 18mo and so for me it was just more convenient for him to be in the same bed. I absolutely enjoyed and craved the comfort of his sweet self next to me. The reason I started putting him to sleep in his own bed because I wasn't sleeping well w/him
in the bed. He was just moving around & his feet or knees in my back. It still was hard on the both of us at first.
It didn't take long for him to adjust and has been no worse
for the wear on either one of us.
In my opinion, I did think that 2yr & up and still sleeping in parents' bed would make him insecure. I never had proof of that, It was just what I thought. But ya know now that he is 6 he still likes to snuggle on the couch and I don't think he had any issues w/ being too dependant on me or being insecure. It was nice to have my bed back and be able to have that wonderful time w/ my husband without worrying about the baby.
What ever you & husband decide is best for your family is ok and don't let anyone else(especially MIL) tell you other wise. Just so ya know though, that when you decide to put your son in his own bed, it won't traumatize him. I also think that the younger they are the easier it will be.

My son sleeps in his bed and I am not going to tell you how to run your house. There are times when my son, now 4, would come to sleep with us and we would say yes and then there are times we say no and he either goes back to bed or sleeps on the couch in the next room. I think it all depends on how you and your husband feel about it, the size of the bed and if he is a wiggleworm or not. My son is starting to get too big for cuddleing in our queen size bed. He's taller now, only almost 40 pounds, but he doesn't sleep in one or two positions at night. My husband also is a turner so in our case it is not advisable for him to sleep with us. (although I do allow him to do it occassionally when my hubby is out of town and I have the bed to myself) So in your case you should do what feels right for you and your family. Unless you tell someone your sleeping arrangements, no one will know so there is nothing to worry about.

As long as it is not effecting your marriage and you are ok with it, who cares what other people think?! I hear all of the stories about how they will never sleep in their own bed, etc. I don't know about you, but I don't know of any high school(or even middle school) kids who still sleep with their parents.

You are his mother-do what you think is best for your son.

Take care.

I have heard views on both sides of the fence, and I think it comes down to what feels best for you as parents. I don't think that there is much risk of suffocating the child accidentally or that the child is going to grow up psychologically crippled. For most of human history and in most parts of the world today, babies sleep with someone--a parent, a grandma, an older sibling, whoever. Those kids survive fine and eventually decide it's time to sleep on their own. Also, they all grow up to be functional adults in their own societies. So I think it's a matter of what you and your husband decide you want. Good luck with everything!

Even Dr. Richard Ferber (as in "Ferberize your baby," the father of the "cry it out" technique) has said:

"There's plenty of examples of co-sleeping where it works out just fine. My feeling now is that children can sleep with or without their parents. What's really important is that the parents work out what they want to do." Nov. 8, 1999 issue of the New Yorker Magazine

Kellymom has some articles about the MANY advantages of sleep sharing and how to handle criticism from relatives and other busybodies.
http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/familybed.html
http://www.kellymom.com/jaygordon/index.html

The bottom line is, if it works for your family, that's all that really matters. And if anyone wants to give you a lecture about the "long-term effects," give 'em a little dose of research-based science, instead of the namby-pamby wives tales and myths they seem to harbor, you'll put the kibosh on *that* in no time! http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/longterm.html

My MIL was uncomfortable about bed-sharing as well. My had slept with me every night, but when he was almost 3, we were in town for our class reunion and *she* wanted to keep my son overnight. (I wanted to pick him up and take him back to the hotel where we were staying.) I was very hesitant, but I finally relented and let him stay alone at his grandparents house overnight on one condition, I wanted *her* to sleep with him.

Guess what? That one night of snuggling next to her sleeping grandchild (whom she adores) was so wonderful that she completely changed her attitude. She said she wishes she had occasionally done it when my husband was a child. The next year when I came to visit, she had arranged the twin beds the the guest room so that I could easily stay with the boys.

Now I have *two* kids (5 and 2), a husband and sometimes a cat in my bed - and it's heavenly! (Get a BIG bed!!) I have bedrails on both sides to keep them from rolling out. Last summer my older son started transitioning to the bed in his room, by his choice, but once the weather got cold again, he came back. :) If I really want to get him to start sleeping in his own bed, I know there's cool bunk bed at Ikea that he's had his eye on since he was... oh, I can't remember but since he was WAY too young for a bunk bed. He also sleeps in his room when he has friends sleep over (although he *wanted* to bring his friend into MY big bed, I drew the line. I *did* let them jump on my bad and have a pillow fight.) :)

The day will come all too soon when he doesn't want to sleep near you or even let you give him a hug or kiss in front of his friends, so enjoy it while you can. Rest assured, you are doing a WONDERFUL thing for your child. Sweet dreams.

megan-
my son, now three, still sleeps with us in our king-size bed. if you are okay with it, then do not worry about what your mil or anyone else thinks!! i have enjoyed every minute of our sleep time together. there is nothing like being able to hear your child snoozing next to you and knowing they are safe and sound. i think it is an awsome experience!so, as long as you are happy, your child is happy, then don't let others tell you what to do. God will definitely take care of you and your family--i will keep you in my prayers. good luck!

my son was in the bed with us until he was 2 1/2 years old or so. i then had a second child and once she was 6 weeks i couldn't do it anymore so he slept in our room on the floor on his matress. he then on his own decided to sleep in his room at around 3 and has been in there ever since and is a great sleeper. he would come into our room on and off but i would tell him to go back to his bed and he would. my daughter is now 27 months old and still in our bed and i have no problems with it. she starts off in her bed and then wanders in later in the night which is fine. if what you are doing works for you then stick with it and if it's not change it. your child will at some point want to sleep in their own bed. don't push the issue you'll only end up miserable with sleep issues on both sides.

My son is 7 months old and he sleeps with me every night. He starts out sleeping in his crib (which is in my room) then before my husband goes to sleep, he puts the baby in my bed. My husband is the one who wants him to sleep with me. He said that he needs to feel secure. We agreed that once he starts sleeping all night, he will stay in his crib all night. Honestly, he is your child, and you should do whatever you feel is right for you. Don't worry about what your MIL thinks.

A little about me:
I am a 35 year old working Mommy and wife.

my daughter slept in our bed until she was 25 months old. about a month after her 2nd birthday she got her big girl bed and we made such a big deal about the bed for about a week or two preparing her for it. then my husband put her to bed in it for nap time for a week and at the end of the week she asked if she could sleep in it through the night too. it was a pretty easy transition. we still had to lay with her for a little while to get her to sleep but she weaned from that soon after. we only transitioned her then because i was pregnant with her brother and things were starting to get tight in our queen size bed with my belly, and i wanted some time with just my husband before the new one came along.
family beds are a cultural thing, in fact we are one of few cultures who do not have family beds. it is normal in most of the world for your kids to sleep with you. and your kids will be fine later in life and will transition when you and they are ready for your own bed. enjoy while you can and know you are not alone.
fyi. our 8 months old son is now sharing our bed for who knows how long.

I say do what you want but the longer you wait the harder it will be to get him out. At some point (12 years old?) he will be too big to sleep comfortably in your bed. That is kind of a joke but not really. Both of my children are large for their age. I have had them in their own beds since day one. My son slept in a cradle in my room until he was 4 weeks old. My daughter slept in cradle in my room until she was 10 weeks old. (Those ages are concurrent when I got them sleeping through the night) I like having my own bed. I hate when they have bad dreams and want to sleep with me. I do all I can to make them go back to bed. They are kicking, wiggling, cold feeted little pain in my backs (literally). I am not going to tell you about them being independent or codependent because I have no idea. I can just tell you that I have great sleeping children that 98% of the time stay in their own beds.

Well first let me say I have a 3 year old now and she is still in our bed! I do look at it like this number it took me a lot to get her here and keep her alive and when I finally got her home I didn't want to ever let her go. I tried books(half heartedly)and almost all the methods out there but in the end one of her therapist told me if its working for you and that's what you want to do then do it because nothing is going to work till you let her go. I decided at this point I'm not ready and that's okay. I am fully okay with it and she's well adjusted and even though we are super close she's extremely independent. She won't be in our bed till she's 16 so worse case scenario I only have 13 years left !! But seriously everything comes to an end naturally and some things before we want them too but I think I will look back and cherish the days she did sleep in my bed and curl up on my shoulder.

My daughter also slept in bed with us. We would move her in the middle of the night and she would just come right back when she would wake up. The way we looked at it was
that she would be a teenager soon, and would not even want to be near us, much less in our bed, so we didn't make a huge fuss about it. Well she is 11 years old now, and she would still love to sleep with us, but we don't allow it. She will in turn read in bed with us in the evenings until it is her bed time. That too will probably stop when she is a rebelling teenager in the near future, but it is good family time and reading time together. She will go to her bed when it is bedtime but we sometimes find her in her brothers bed in the morning. He is 8. She says she just likes to know someone is with her and it makes her feel safe. Her brother hates it though and fusses about it, it is actually kind of funny. I do believe she slept with us off and on until she was about 7 or 8. We actually got tired of moving her multiple times during the night, so we would just let her stay. I say if it does not bother you or your husbands sleep or intimacy, go for it, they will not be young forever and take advantage of every minute they want to be near you. Remember they will be teenagers in a blink of an eye and the time goes by way too fast.

Hi Megan,

It is absolutely no big deal. I'm going to give you hindsight because that's what I have. :) Both of our girls slept with us until they were ready to leave our bed. My husband was okay with it and we didn't make it a big deal. I agree, there are other places and times for intimacy.

Most cultures share their home with multiple generations and ours is the only culture that frowns on our kids in our beds with us. BOTH of my girls, at 13 and 16, are VERY independent, secure in their "own skin" and both are very cuddly.

The bottom line, security does not breed dependency. Tell your Mother in law that you won't talk about the issues in her bed if she doesn't talk about yours :)

God bless!

M.
www.squidoo.com/ifyourbabycouldtalk

only you know what works for you and your family, and only you can make that decision - don't listen to anyone who thinks they can tell you how to run your household! my only thought is that if you are thinking you might want him in his own bed, it will only get harder with each passing month. then again, even though i have no experience with this, i imagine at some point (elementary school or sometime?) he won't WANT to be in the bed with you, so it will probably happen naturally!

different things work for every family! :)

Don't worry about it. Our daughter slept with us til she was 3, and when we put her in her own bed, she still came and got in the bed with us in the middle of the night which was fine with us. My husband felt she may need the closeness, and we were both willing to give it to her. She came in got in our bed with us almost every night til she was 9 or so, then it just sort of tapered off. She would sleep with us any night we invited her to do so, but she's too big and restless now, so she sometimes makes a pallet on our floor. MIL's always know better than we do about raising kids in their minds, but you are your child's mother, not her. Do what you feel your child needs.

I'm of the opinion that whatever feels best to you is what is best for your son. A couple things to consider though, 1) Are you planning on having any more children anytime soon? If so, it may become a big issue to have 2 childen in bed with you instead of 1. 2) Do you have an age when you would like him to be sleeping in his own bed? I ask this because my brother had his son sleeping with him from the time he was a baby and it got old right around the time he was 2, unfortunately, he wasn't able to break him of the habit until he was ALMOST 5! It didn't matter how many times he tried to put him in his own bed, he always ended up in his bed. This became a really big issue because my brother literally had to wait until he was asleep and sneak out of the house if he wanted to go anywhere because my nephew not only wanted to sleep in his bed, but he wanted him in it too.

If it works for your family, then why change it? Personally, it would not work for me. On occassion, I am all about it. Our daughter also slept in the room with us until just after her first birthday (first in a moses basket then a pack-n-play) and it was hard to have her in her own bed the first few nights. But that is what worked for us. We had her nap in her bed so that her bed was not a foreign place when night sleeping came. We also had people tell us we should let her sleep in her room before we did. But again, it didn't work for us. If you and your husband like him sleeping in your bed - then enjoy! Pretty soon he's not going to want all of the hugs and kisses and snuggles that you are going to want to give. So enjoy it now!

When the time comes, your child will sleep in his own bed when HE is ready and when YOU are ready. Forget all the different advice from "experts" on this one (especially the MIL - who KNOWS ALL) , and go with your own maternal instinct. My oldest daughter (now 9) was never one to throw tantrums, but she was stubborn about the crib. Even as a baby, she would scream and cry. When I tried again as she got older, she would still scream and cry, shaking the crib, even fall asleep standing up - until she lost her balance, then start screaming/crying all over again. It was the only time she acted like that. I decided then the "experts" could keep their advice and I was sticking with what my heart told me. It was when she was 5 and her sister was 3 that they were finally out of my bed and into bunkbeds. Some people might think that's too long, etc, but it is what worked for us. You have to do what works for your family. When the girls made the transition to their own beds, I would lay down with them at night until they fell asleep. They still ask for me to lay down with them and I do occasionally.

L.

i have done loads of reading on this in graduate school then after i became a mother myself. you must do what is best for your family but there is much research to suggest that co-sleeping is beneficial for the child. when you guys are ready to make a change, it will happen. it will happen in the form of a transition which you can assist by introducing the idea of a "big boy" bed. start by putting the new mattress or futon in your room and let the situation evolve. as another mom on this website asserted, he wont be sleeping in your bed forever. co-sleeping has been practiced throughout the world for ages. is the rise in anxiety disorders, substance dependence and depression not somehow correlated to the abandonment of the philosophy that children should sleep with their parents? parenting is not about convenience all the time. people are returning to the philosophy that attachment is a good and healthy thing.

I've had many people tell me to not let my children sleep in my bed only because they will still be sleeping with you when they are 8 or 9 years old!
I look at this way - if you are still getting the sleep you need, which is important, then no problem. They are only small for a short period of time and those first years will go by fast. Cuddle with them when you can; they won't want to soon enough. I have a 3 year old and 16 month old. Both slept with us while I was nursing and for some time after. Our 16 month old does not sleep with us anymore because she moves around too much and would fall off the bed! But I miss it already!

If it truly is okay with you and with your husband, there is no harm done to your son by letting your son sleep with you while he is little, other than if in the future you decide you want him out of there, you may have problems getting him to go. Like so many other posters said here, ours is the only culture that frowns on the kids sleeping anywhere other than their own separate beds and rooms. My children all slept in their own beds always, and it never occurred to me or to them to have them sleep with us, but everyone is different. I have more of a problem with parents who have children who want to be there and are not ever allowed to be there, than I do with parents who want the kids in the room with them. As long as both of the parents are happy with the child in their bed, no harm done. Now, if your husband is not as happy as you are about it -- that's a whole different story. You owe him the first option and he owes you the same. Parents should come first with one another. I am suspecting that your MIL said something only because you brought up the subject and she was giving you her best advice. She may or may not expect you to take that advice, so that's not an issue here. Just do whatever you and your husband want to do. All will be fine.

My opinion is that if it is working for you and both you and your husband are on board with the situation, then that is your choice. I think the biggest concern might be his ability to comfort himself or to soothe himself. Also, when you are ready to have him sleep in his big boy bed, he will fight you tooth and nail. Also, you may find him sleeping in your bed when he is 15,16. I have a coworker who allowed her boys to sleep in her bed and now her soon to be 17 year old still crawls in her bed at night because he can't sleep or he gets scared. I allowed our daughter to sleep in our room til she was 5 months old, albeit she didn't sleep in our bed. When she went into her room we all slept better. Also, if you do plan to have another child how will that situation work? Will you allow your toddler to sleep in the bed with your newborn? Will you move him to his big boy bed, which may cause him to feel like he's been replaced? I don't believe in telling people what they should do because what worked for me, may not work for you. Like I said if the situation is working then if you chose to continue it, great.

Megan,

It's nice to see that you're open to varying opinions, because this is such a contraversial issue. I have a 10-month old son, who has been sleeping in his own bed since day 1 and will continue to do so. We have a consistent bed time routine, and he now doesn't even want to be rocked before going to bed. I used to rock him to sleep when he was a newborn. One night, he decided he didn't want that anymore. When he's tired, all he wants is to lay down in his bed and go to sleep. There are NEVER any issues with him going to sleep, and he sleeps through the night. It's great! I truly think that part of the reason my son sleeps so well and is so easy to put to bed is because he has always slept in his own bed. He doesn't even realize that mom and dad's bed is an option (which it isn't, anyway). So, there's never any fuss about it.

Children have to learn a sense of independence. It's part of growing and learning, which we want our children to have a certain amount of independence. It helps them build self-confidence and realize the potential. Sleeping in their own bed is part of a child gaining some independence. They learn to self-sooth and understand that mommy does not exist just to be at their beckon-call. I personally feel that this is one of their first basic steps to independence. Babies do not need us right there beside them at all times. Like you said, you do it for you, not your son. But don't we want to do what's best for our children's development, rather than our own feelings? I understand the closeness. When my son gets tired and tries to climb up on my lap and lays his head on my shoulder, it's so sweet I want to just cry. It's a great feeling! But, it's not about my feelings anymore. It's about him. If he has a restless night, I'll go in to his room and sooth him. However, he goes right back into his bed after he calms down.

Good luck! I think it is time for your son to sleep in his own bed. You don't want him to make that decision for you, because he'll never go anywhere if it's up to him.

K.:)

I'll begin by saying I am not a fan of co-sleeping myself, but it's mostly for selfish reasons-- I don't think it would work for me. But if it doesn't bother you and it doesn't bother your husband, then why not? I don't see the harm. It may be harder for your son to adjust to his own bed later on, but it may not, either. Our son slept in a crib, but he still had to adjust to a real bed at some point, as do all babies, and it wasn't a problem. I say, stick with what works for you as long as you're all comfortable with it. Your son will let you know when he's ready for his own space (or you and your husband might decide you need it!). As for the rolling over on him argument, I think that's an issue with small babies, but at your son's age and size I wouldn't worry about it. Good luck!!

Honestly, if it's working, it's probably fine at this point, and it will naturally begin to change. If he starts to be a pain and not sleep or wake up then you may help it change sooner. Our society is one of few that are so uptight about babies being with their mothers at night--it really makes no sense when you think about it seriously from the baby's point of view. Cold, alone or warm, with momma.
my family thought I nursed too much . . .that he'd "still be nursing when he graduated from high school." He's 6'2" and 24 now, definitely outgrew it!
S.

First, years ago, when all lived in one room, it was neccesary. Now, the children seem to get a "phobia" about sleeping alone - it will continue, not get better. Second, do you and your husband have sex? If not, then you don't worry, right? A child needs to develop independence - from their parents, and this is part of it. It emotionally injures a child nowdays to sleep with their parents. It gets more difficult "weaning" them from parents. The parents "need" this emotional closeness. Go to a doctor and see. Right now, start telling child that he is a big boy and needs to sleep in his own bed. Stay with him until he falls asleep. Even leave a light on in hallway or nightlight in his room. His emotional stability is at stake here. DO IT TODAY!!!

We just had our latest who is now 2 months old who is in ourbed fulltime as its easier for breastfeeding and listening for his potty cues to help him to the potty at night. Our nearly 3yo is in our bed part time he starts out the night in his bed and when he feels the need he comes into our bed unfortunately we only have a queen bed (soon to be remedied) so then my husband says its too crowded and moves to the 3yo's bed (secretly I sleep better when he does because I don't have his snoring less than a foot away anymore though the irony is I don't think he snores as much over there as I am up nursing a baby at night and rarely hear him) when my husband delploys my 5yo also wanders in at some point in the night as well.

Each of my children at some point have chosen to sleep in their own bed and then migrate back for what ever reasons and then back again they could start a routine oof coming in because of a growth spurt a bad dream or that they just miss their dad (they used to come in more often when he was gone)

do what you think is right for you and your family and remember he probably wont ask you to go to college and have a family bed.

Don't worry about it. I just started to transition my 6 1/2 month old to her crib and she doesn't even spend the whole night in there. She wakes about every 3-4 hours and wants to nurse anyway so I am doing what makes her happy. My best friend is different, she had her girls in cribs from day one and they are fine. I am confident that my daughter and any future children will not be harmed by sleeping with us as babies. 20 months is definitely still a baby in my book. If you and your husband are on the same page with it then it will be fine. You all will figure out when the time is right. I have three cousins that were in and out of their parents bed until they were almost eight years old and they have all turned out to be well adjusted human beings.

The mothering magazine of this month has the cover story on co-sleeping. That may be a great read for you. I think one thing we have lost in our generation is following what we feel is right. When our actions are somewhat selfish, we kind of know that instinctively. If your baby is happy and it is not effecting your sleep (depriving you or your relationship), why would you worry? Trust me, he won't be sleeping with mom or calling mom to make decisions for him in college because you co-slept. If you are forcing him to stay when he is trying to pull away that is different. Listen and consider what your mom-in-law says, but in the end, he is yours. You and Dad are responsible for him. There are tons of info each way, but which one feels right for you - I don't think you should ignore instincts - just totally against it because I did it (not in the sleeping arena), and it bit me hard.
Enjoy him, trust me, he will turn around and be gone to Kindergarten and then to high school before you can blink your eyes. Co-sleeping or not, paci or not, they will grow to be independant because you allow them to follow their decision making and consequences for those from early on.
Best of luck in your considering. J.

It's all up to you personally. Your MIL should mind her own business. Every parent has different ideas and ways of doing things with their child. I never let my daughter sleep with us unless she was really sick or if we wer travelling and it was more convenient for her to sleep with us. But that's me. Does that make ME right? Nope. It's just a different way of doing things.

I would NEVER tell another mother or father something they're doing is wrong unless it was a danger to the child emotionally or physically. This is not harming your son and it's not harming your relationship with your husband. You guys are still intimate so that's not a problem.

I think maybe just don't mention it to MIL or whoever and if they bring it up just tell them you appreciate their advice but that Lance is your son and you will do what YOU feel is best for him and you.

I have no idea what the big deal is either. I feel that they are more secure. Just do what works for your family, as everyone else said. I just wanted to chime in and say that it's okay. My mother thought the same thing...but hey...I guess it's the generation.

The only problem I have is if they can't fall asleep on their own and you have to go to bed at 8:30 every night, no matter where or what you're doing.
Other than that, my 2 1/2 YO climbs into bed with me during the night, every night, and while I think I should stop it, I actually like it too. (Last night I got home from a business trip very late and my cuddle bug climbed in bed and and it felt so nice to be home). I have another one coming, so it will probably cause me some problems soon, but I guess I'll deal with that later.

Hi Megan,

Forget what others say; mothering(parenting) is about doing what's in your OWN heart. A big part of the whole 'never sleep with your baby' scam is pure ignorance. Well, my mom is constantly telling me that the kids need their own bed too, but my arguement is, well yes maybe when they are READY but right NOW what they need is to share the family bed.
Most Americans also sneer and are bewildered by extended breastfeeding, but its perfectly normal in most other parts of the world. We are so bombarded by images and thoughts and terrible advice for a lifetime, no wonder we get confused! Do what your heart says, not your MIL, your friends at playgroup or anyone else. Like you said, you and your husband are doing what you think is best.
BTW, our 5 yr old and our 3 yr.old (still nursing) sleep with us. It may seem they are more dependent NOW, but this is exactly what they need to feel more independent as they grow. So many kids are pushed to do things before they are ready; think back to when you were a kid; were there some things you wished your parents had done differently?
If you are interested, join my yahoo group http://groups.yahoo.com/group/earth_mamas/ full of mamas who do things a bit differeently than the mainstream. and yes it's perfectly OK!

Love,
C.
www.LostRiverNaturals.com
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