20 Month Old Won't Sleep in Her Bed!!

I have a friend who had the same problem with her son. The problem was resolved sometime when he was 2. They let him help in picking out a "big boy" bed. After he got a Lightning McQueen bed, he never wanted to sleep with his parents again.

Good luck!

Super Nanny had this issue on tonight's show -- my husband was flipping the channels and I recognized the re-run so we didn't watch it, but I think I remember the technique. She basically says to just keep returning them to the bed and be firm, no matter how many times you have to do it and no matter how long it takes, because otherwise if you eventually give in you are teaching your child that you have a breaking point and they will keep protesting because they know you will eventually give in. You need to pick a night when you don't need to be up early the next day (like if you work on weekdays, start on a Friday evening) and just go for it. Just keep bringing her back to her bed no matter how exhausted you are. If she wakes up and comes to your room, bring her back to her bed. I've suggested this here before and the original poster said it worked: tell her you will be right back but you have to go do some laundry or wash some dishes or something else totally boring. Tell her you will be back in a few minutes to check on her. Go do something to keep yourself busy while she cries, then go check on her in a few minutes, but don't linger-- let her know what a big girl she is for staying in her bed. Keep in your head at all times that the goal is to have her in her own bed and NOT for you to lay with her. She will get it eventually but only if you don't give up. Try getting her something new and special she can sleep with and have a rule that it has to stay in her bed-- like a new special pillow or stuffed animal or blankie so she can look forward to cuddling with it every night. Also, make sure she has a night light or keep the hall light on for her (unless she prefers it to be dark)

Ah, it seemed so innocent when WE did it, too... :-) And - so, there are probably lots of good ideas...What I learned was we lost a lot of sleep over a period of a week or two, but we ALWAYS got up and put her back in her bed, screams not-withstanding, EVERY time she came to our bed. We did it with love, firmness, consistency and WITHOUT REGRET. We love her, want what is best for her and we loved each other and wanted our bed and romance back, as you say. We WERE sorry we ever let her in our bed. We WERE sorry we waited so long to get her out of our bed. We told each OTHER that. But, we did not tell her we were sorry she had to go back to her own bed. We were very careful NOT to, even by accident convey it to her that way, because we did not want her to think that we were letting each other come between her and us. On the contrary, we had let her come between US! And we were placing her back in her CORRECT position. After all, she grew up, moved on in her life, had children of her own and - hopefully feels adequately loved by her parents - but - is able to stand on her own two feet, and does not HAVE to be on top of us when she gets lonely... :-)

Good luck! And - ignore whatever doesn't seem to fit...

We have 16 month old twins who have always slept in their bed. I read a book called BABY WISE before I had them that taught how to get them to sleep through the night and in their own bed. There is a chapter about teaching older children this even if you didn't begin this way with them. Have you heard about the "magic 3"? They say, if you let them cry for 3 nights, they won't on the 4th. When our girls are fighting sleep and crying and standing in their bed, we go in and lay them down, comfort them and leave. We may have to do it several times, but eventually they will go to sleep. You may want to try to put your daughter in her bed immediately when she comes to your room and continue doing so until she stays in there. Maybe putting the side back on the crib will help. You're not a bad person if your child cries! People always told me, especially my husband, the crying seems bad, but think of the benefits of them sleeping in their OWN room all night! Hope this helps!

Just put yourself in her position... imagine going to sleep in your bed (she does not know that is not her bed) with two warm bodies who you love very much, and then waking up in a completely different place dark and alone... it can get really scary for them... they need to fall asleep where they will be at all night, you cant put her in your bed, let her fall asleep and then switch her to her crib... children, just like us, wake up several times at night and are able to go back to sleep inmediately if their enviroment is the same... that is why babies who fall asleep at the breast or bottle need again when they wake up!!!! I dont know what to tell you about this, only if you want her to sleep in her crib, put her there from the begginning and let her fall asleep there!!!!

All of the information given so far in the 2 previous posts that I read are EXCELLENT! I just wanted to add another option that I have had to do with my daughter and now with my son.

My kids have an issue with going to bed and staying there, we listen to them chattering, yelling, dancing, playing, partying, for sometimes and hour after they have been put down. BUT the thing we do to ensure they stay in their room is this: Their door knob does not allow for those door knob child proof lock things, so I put a child gate up. They CANNOT come out of their room after they go down for the night. We reassure them that if they get scared (this was during the Fay threat) or if my daughter has to pee, let us know, but when we put them down...it is BEDTIME!!

It really does the trick and we take the gate down when we go to bed a couple hours later. This way, they know we are really accessible if they wake in the night and need us.

Oh, and once your daughter figures out how to climb over the gate, you have two options. One, you can put the gate at an angle with the bottom slanted away from her room. We do this whe we move gates around during the day so my sone cannot get into the bathroom unseen. Second, simply put another gate above the first, preferably a swing gate, but I don't even have that anymore, so I use a $20 wooden one up top when I need to.

I hope this is helpful to you on top of the advice already given. It has worked for me, I hope it works for you!

God bless!!

Tammi is right on the money on this, imho. I noticed in your description though, that you take her back "as soon as she goes back to sleep". That is a mistake. You need to take her back while she is awake, so she learns where she should be going to sleep and not waking up in a different place than where she last remembers before falling asleep. I would also suggest, if she is not a totally limp rag when she comes to your room, that you have HER walk back to her room. In other words, you escort her, rather than carry her. It will reinforce everything. Besides, if she is able to walk in, she should be perfectly capable of walking back, right? The key is consistency on your part. EVERY time, she goes back to her bed right away. No staying in Mommy and Daddy's bed.
You might tell her before you put her to bed, that from now on, she is sleeping in her bed, and that if she gets up in the night, she will have to go back into her bed to go back to sleep.
At 20 months, it won't mean much to her, but it will after you are consistent for a few nights.
I always told my kids that if they needed me in the night (felt ill, had a bad dream, etc), come get me, or call me, I will come. But as the parent we need to realize that that does not mean that they can come STAY in your room.... there is a big difference. It means they are ALWAYS allowed to come to you for help, but you are still the parent and will decide what help is appropriate. At her age, the appropriate help is escorting (or carrying if need be) her back to her own room/bed and enforcing the rules about who sleeps where, reassuring her if necessary.
Obviously you have figured out the downside in allowing her to sleep in your bed, so just bear in mind that any change in sleep routine can be a challenge, and this is no different. It will be a difficult transition, but one that will ultimately be good for all of you.
Persevere! Call in sick to work if necessary for a day... but stick to your guns and this will pass more quickly.
Oh, and be sure that your husband is "on board" with the plan... because the first couple of nights might be very long ones... and a spouse who wants you to "give in" is sabotage...
Talk with each other at length about how you will deal with this before you do anything. Maybe even draw straws to see who gets the "first shift".... :))
Good luck.

HI, ITS ME (N.) , I HAD THE SAME PROBLEM WITH MY YOUNGEST, WHAT I DID WAS TAKE A SHIRT OF MY OR MY HUSBAND THAT WE WEAR DOING THE DAY AND PUT IT AROUND MY SON WHEN HE WAS READY TO GO TO SLEEP. TILL HE WAS READY TO SLEEP ON HIS OWN. i DONT KNOW IF IT IS GOING TO WORK WITH U AND YR DUAGHTER, BUT IT DID GOOD WITH US. GOOD LUCK i HOPE i HELP U.

Hi D.,

I know what you are going through and I feel your pain. We let our daughter sleep with us as well. She never seemed to adjust to being out of the womb and that was the only way we could get sleep. We originally made peace with that solution, but as she got bigger we ended up getting less sleep. At 15 months we tried to move her to a twin bed and had the same problems. We put one of those toddler safety covers over the door knob so she couldn't let herself out. That may work for you if you are okay with letting her cry it out and going back to bed on her own. My daughter didn't do well with being locked in her room. She resorted to vomiting and undressing herself so she could pee on the floor.

What seemed to work for us was running her ragged. Does she nap in her bed well? After a year and a half of going to her room 3-4 times a night, we ended up cutting her nap time and then taking her swiming. She was so worn out that she started sleeping through the night. First it was a just couple times a week and evntually it just became the norm regaurdless of what she did that day. What a different child she was once she got some good sleep and what better parents we were when well rested!

I hope these ideas help. Every child is different. A good book to read is "The No-cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. It can help you whether you have a newborn or a 2yr old. I read it right before we had our second child and he's been sleeping through the night since he was 10 weeks old.

Good Luck,
S.

Dear D.;

I know it is probably hard to hear her cry, but you need to put that rail up on the crib, and when she wakes up, just let her cry herself back to sleep. She might wake up, 3 or 4 times the first night and cry for up to 3 hrs., but you need to just let her cry. Buy earplugs if you need to.

It will take less than a week to retrain her. If she can crawl out of her crib with the rails up, then you need to put a gate on her door, so she can not leave the room.

My best friend had to do this, her daughter sleeps in her own bed now. I have an 16 mo. old, who just would not stop waking up at 3 a.m. I had to just let her cry, it took a few nights, and my husband and I were dead tired after the first night, but she sleeps now until 6:30 a.m. It took 3 days. You'll be happy at the end. She probably is your first child, so it might be hard, but not impossible. Good Luck!

It is okay for a child to cry. Crying is her way of telling you she wants her own way even though you are insisting that she does what is best for her. If she wanted to play in the street and cried for hours when you brought her back into the yard, you would not give in to her demands and let her play in the street.

She is a little kid and she wants what she wants, and she has now learned that if she screams and cries you will give her anything she wants in order to have peace and quiet.

As parents we have to get past the guilty feelings of saying "no" to our children, and get past the fear of hearing them cry. We know what is best for them, whether they think it is a good thing or not!!

It would be good to mention to her throughout the day, just a comment from time to time, how wonderful it is that she has her own bed to sleep in and her own room; also, going in and looking at the bed and admiring it as a fun wonderful place to be at night... and talk about how fun it will be tonight to sleep the whole night in her own bed... things like that, so you are building it up to be a wonderful fun experience. Then as it gets closer to bed time, maybe right after dinner during her bath, chat in a happy upbeat way that tonight she gets to sleep in her own bed like a big girl, and if she wakes up and forgets that she's staying in her own bed tonight that's okay because you will be happy to take her back in her own bed, won't that be fun!!!!

The important thing is that you stay upbeat and positive and make it a fun fun happy thing. No "or else" or "you better not get up" or stuff like that.

The other very important thing is your consistency. If you relent even ONCE then she will never believe you again. It is very important that each time she gets up at night you have a calm demeanor as you immediately walk her back to her room and help her climb into her bed. I wouldn't carry her, unless she is throwing a tantrum ;-) but you are trying to encourage her to grow up beyond infancy, which includes being able to walk on her own and being able to climb into her own bed "like a big girl."

Remember that she is not crying because the bed is hurting her, or because it is cruel and unusual punishment for you her mom to expect her to sleep in her own bed. She is crying because it works: it makes you give her what she wants. The way to stop the crying is to stop giving her what she wants based on the loudness and intensity of her crying -- instead, give her what she wants based on her proper method of asking for it (and of course her best interests as you see it).

Also, make sure she is not drinking water before bedtime else she will awaken to use the bathroom; if she continues to refuse to go to sleep then cut out her afternoon nap so that she will fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion!!

Another thing that helps is a bedtime ritual, such as bathtime, snuggle time, read a short book in her bed, lights out, pray, sing a song, and "good night, have a good sleep, I will see you in the morning." This is what I did with my kids and my granddaughter, and bedtime was never an issue no matter where we were (you know how strange beds are not as easy to sleep in, especially for kids).

D.,

Yes, bring the crib into your room, beside your bed, for a few weeks and talk to her just after putting her down. Then, begin moving the crib farther and farther away from your bed. Then, move it just outside of your room and slowly into her room. Let her know that you are there to console her, but you will not take her out, nor allow her to get out of it. Everytime she sleeps in it, celebrate! Everytime she gets out, put her back in and be firm.

Take Care,
T. (mom of 4)

Unfortunately you may have a couple of sleepless nights your self but you just have to keep walking her back to her bed even if you do it 52 times or more. She will soon realize that she's tired and stay in her bed rather than playing the walk back and forthe game. Whatever you do, do not continue to let her sleep in your bed because then the problem will only get worse. You'll be exhausted but at least in the future you won't have a six year old in bed with you.

we had a similar problem with our TWO children (at the same time) patience and consistancy is what we tried. EVERYTIME one would get in the bed we would quietly walk them back to their bed. we did have to do this a whole lot before they caught on but it was worth it. now my 8 year old knows she can come in if she has a bad dream but the rule is bring your pillow and blanket because you are sleeping on the floor next to mommy's bed( i keep my matress on the floor i don't care for frames). consistancy and patience.

I am the mother of 2 lovely children ages 5 and 1 1/2. They both have slept in my bed since the day the came home from the hospital. My husband and I cherish the precious time with them as they grow so quickly. We all sleep in a big bed and as they get bigger we are thinking of adding an additional twin to our king so everyone has a little more room.
You need to be a little creative in the dept of romance. It can work.
Just remember it is only a phase in life and a beautiful one at that.

E.

E.

It's time to take a couple of nights and hunker down and just keep putting her back in her bed every time she gets up--with as little interaction as possible--you may do it all night the first night--so be prepared and committed because if you give in, it will only make it worse and harder the next time you try.
If she is not getting up and just crying, that is OK, she is OK--she is not sick, she is not hurt, and there is nothing for her to be scared of--which she will learn if you don't go in there.
But you have to dig in your heals, committ to not letting her sleep with you and then follow through. If you stick to your guns, you will see progress as soon as the second night and each night will get better--shouldn't take more than 5-7 days to get her to sleep mostly through the night if you remain consistent...
Good luck and hang in there!