23 Month Old Adjusting to New Baby

It is natural that he's wanting and needing more attention. He's discovered that he gets immediate attention when he acts out. I suggest that you conveniently not notice some of the negative behavior. You can "not see" the shoving the magazine off the table. Or you can accept that throwing the magazine off the table is his way of expressing his anger at the way his family and his life have changed.

I would pick up the magazine, put it back on the table and say, I'm thinking that you're angry. It's OK to be angry. Then walk away. For me, throwing a magazine off the table is OK. The part I would pay attention to is his looking for a reaction. Not having a reaction tells him that negative behavior will not get attention.

At the same time I would be concerned about letting him know it's OK to feel angry. And I'd do that by voicing the feeling for him. At 23 months he doesn't know about his feelings or how to deal with them. It's important for you to accept all of his feelings, even the negative ones.

One way that you can help him is to notice how he's feeling before he acts on the feeling. Perhaps pick him up and say I think that you're feeling angry. It's OK. Mama loves you and give him a hug.

It's possible that you're overdoing the showering him with attention. It may feel a bit phony to him and so he has to keep testing. Yes, spend one on one time with him. Hold him when he wants to be held and it's convenient but don't hold him while you're feeling frustrated about having to do it. Be as honest with him about both his emotions and your own. It's OK to say, "I'd love to pick you up now but I have to change babiy's diapers now. I'll pick you up when I've finished. Be direct, calm, and sympathetic. When you pick him up tell him you know it's hard for him to have this baby in his home. Tell him you love him and then get him started on playing with one of his toys. He needs more than physical attention. He needs to be accepted, negative feelings included.

When he's being obnoxious and you can't deal it's fair to tell him that. Say, I just cannot deal with the way you're behaving right now. Please go to your room or across the room and play. Take him there, put on some soothing music, hand him a favorite toy or his "blankie" and leave. It's a time out of sorts but less punitive. It allows him to have the feeling but not the action.

One way to make this going to your room more successful is to show him that it's a good place in which to be. Also ake him there, put on the music, etc when he's feeling good. Do this especially when it seems that he's tired.

Being rested and feeling full are both important influences towards good behavior. Perhaps you've noticed that he's more cranky and more easily upset towards the end of the day or just before nap time or meals. Rather than sending him to a time out, sympathize with feeling tired and/or hungry. Give him a healthy snack, perhaps reduce noise and activity. Rock him with his "blankie."

I think it's also natural that he would prefer his dad at this time. You are the cause of this baby being here. You are the one who is giving the attention to the baby that he used to get. This will pass. You could try routinely having dad take care of the baby while you do something with the toddler.

This is a stage and will pass. It is also a great opportunity to teach your toddler about feelings and how to begin working on handling them. And it's an opportunity for you to learn about your own needs and how to provide for both yours and your toddlers. You do get frustrated and angry at the way your toddler behaves. Look for ways to stop the melt down before he get's into action. Notice your own frustration and voice it to your toddler in a calm manner. Find ways for both of you to stop the cycle before it gets to the anger stage.

For me stopping what I'm doing and giving my grandchild a hug noticeably lightens the atmosphere if I do it early on. When they were babies I often stopped what I was doing and rocked them or just sat down with them and read a story while everything was going OK. This helped me to remain calm and both of us to be happier.

In regards to the crying when you leave the room at bedtime, wait a few minutes and then return, pat his back, lay him back down but don't take him out of the crib. Reassure him that you're just outside and he's OK; then leave. Gradually make the length of time between leaving and returning longer. He'll get the idea that you will return and go back to self-comforting. Right now he is feeling very insecure. In addition to the new way life is he's also experiencing object inconstancy. He doesn't know that you're just in another room. For him, if he can't see the person or object, it doesn't exist. Learning that things and people exist even when we can't see them is the reason for the peek-a-boo game.

You're just in the first week of being home with the baby. It will get easier as you find ways to be and to act in this way of living that is new to all of you.

I was in your exact situation just a few months ago. My son was 21 months when my new son was born. In anticipation of his birth, my DH and I decided to not make the new baby such a big deal...so we talked about the new baby like he was already here and talked about what a big boy my older son was and what he could do to help.

When he came home, I asked my older son to help with things like handing me diapers, reading to the baby, getting toys...I tried to make him feel helpful and big and special and that seemed to work pretty well.

As far as bedtime, we had that issue too (though my son is in a toddler bed so he can get out on his own) and what I figured out is that he thought it was "unfair" that he had to go to bed and the baby got to "stay up" with mom and dad...so I started telling him, "don't worry...brother will be going to bed soon too..." and now that baby brother is 6 months old and goes to bed at the same time, I now alternate who gets ready for bed first...one night it is baby and next it is big brother so that he gets to feel special for staying up later than baby brother some nights too!

Those would be my two suggestions to start with. I agree with the last post who said try to ignore some of the negative behavior because he is just wanting attention...positive or negative...and try to catch him doing helpful things...maybe consider getting him in a big boy bed or have him help with setting stuff on the table for dinner...positive things that only big boys can do! Again, it is a phase and he will grow out of it...how long it takes depends on your reactions though! If you want to vent or talk, feel free to message me! Good luck! If it helps any, my two sons are starting to seem very close...big brother loves to give little brother kisses and hugs and wants to hold him in his lap and put his arm around him...he is very protective too (a little boy I watch took baby's toy and my older son took it back from the little boy and said "no, give that back to my brother...we don't take things")...so I think things are starting to work out between the two of them!!!

Oh, and as far as him "not liking" you right now. My son seemed distant from me for the first week or so...mainly I think because I left him for a couple of days with just daddy (he's a bit of a mommy's boy)...he came up to the hospital to see me which was stressful in itself and then had to see my with IVs and tubes and strange noises...and then there was this little baby there too...and then I came home with that little baby who didn't leave...and then everyone is fawning over the new baby and I have to feed the baby and change the baby and on and on and on...to him, it is probably just BABY, BABY, BABY...so maybe when you are feeding the baby, have your son sit beside you and read him a book or watch a show he likes together and then have time when you give daddy the baby and just spend time with your son playing toys or reading or watching a show sans the baby! This should change in time too! Keep up the good work!

It's natural for him to be jealous and want more attn., keep working with him and keep letting him know how much you love him.

This will pass.

God Bless.

I don't have two kids, but I have one toddler, and I can tell you that my DD acts that that a lot and there is no baby around!! :) so I am not sure what part is normal and what may be exacerbated by having baby brother around. Good luck!

Our situation was almost identical to Sarah's.

Besides the normal behavior issues of having an almost 2 year old, you have the sibling jealousy on top of it. We were fortunate to really not have that issue when our daughter was born.

But, we did a lot of the things that Sarah recommended. He was our "special helper" because he was a "big boy" and could do things his baby sister couldn't.

We're big believers in punishing for the negative behavior (don't agree with ignoring it even if it is for attention) - they have to know the difference between right and wrong.

But, we're also big believers in trying to really highlight and accentuate the positive behavior. I'd say find something he loves (stickers, M&Ms, whatever) and really praise him when he is on his good behavior and occasionally reward him for it with one of his treats. Normally, we stick to the verbal - "What a nice job of using your best manners", but occasionally, working towards a treat is part of our reward system.

We're finding that by positively recognizing the good behavior, we've avoided more of the bad behavior lately.

This sounds very much like my son's first week home. My daughter was 2 at the time and you could tell she was very mad at me! She did not say it but was ignoring me, having tantrums when I told her to do something, was very whiney and having fits all the time. She went from a funny happy girl to the opposite the week we brought her brother home, even though she was showering him with love.

The second week got better and it's only gotten better since then. I really think it was a combination of her terrible 2's kicking around the time the baby came home. Then when she realized he wasn't leaving, she just got used to it.

He will probably continue to be clingy to your husband until he realizes that you still love him as much as you did before the baby got there and once the baby does not need you as much. If you are always feeding/holding/rocking the baby when he needs you (which is what it seemed like happened with me), he figures he might as well go to Daddy. This will change. One day he'll want you to hold him (if not already) while you are holding the baby. That is a site for sore eyes!! LOL

As far as the destruction and anger, it's probably him just lashing out because he cannot express his frustration "Why isn't the baby leaving? Why am I not getting as much attention?" etc so he knows that by throwing something, he'll get your attention. I would do what you are already doing - removing the toy (maybe give him 1 warning) and explain that if he cannot play nicely with it, it has to go away.

Make sure to never blame the baby "I can't hold you because I'm changing the baby" or "The baby needs me now, you don't" - instead ask him questions to keep him interested and distracted at the same time "What color are your pants? When I pick you up, can I touch them?" "Do you think the baby is hungry? He can't have pudding like you because he's a baby! Would you like to sit by me so I can read you a book?"

The sleeping thing is a different situation from mine for two reasons. First my daughter was in a toddler bed when her baby brother arrived and second, we've always either rocked her or sat in her room until she was alseep until about a month ago. She now falls asleep on her own and her brother is in the room with her. I would comfort him when he wakes up. It may all be related (I'm sure it is) to jealousy and anxiety regarding a new baby.

It will pass and before you know it, they'll be playing (and fighting!) together!

Hi Mommy,
I know you have already had the new baby, but a thought is this- preparing your older one for the new baby is key. If they are not excited about a new kid, and understanding that this new baby is a gift and little brother to play with (eventually), then sometimes they feel threatened.
I think there are a couple of things you could do. First, get your older boy something new. As there are always new things for the baby, there should be new things for the older one as well (not as many, of course).
Second, bring your older son into the fold by having him help you with the baby. Have your husband tell him that he needs help with diaper changing. Let the older boy hand you diapers and wipes and be a part of the process, clothing, bathing, etc. Praise him for all of his help and let him know how proud of him you are for being such a big boy and mommy's big helper (and daddy's, too). If you are holding the baby, ask him to sit with you and the baby- daddy may need to convince him that the baby is not bad or stealing attention, but needs more care because he is so little and can't do anything for himself. Show him that he has become a big boy, but his little brother needs him to show him the ropes and teach him how to be a big boy (like daddy and him). The more he understands that he is needed and can help and not be nuisance (this will require alot of parental patience), the more I believe he will be happy to help and act out less.
I hope this helps.
Good luck.
-E.

Hello A.: Congradulations on your sweet little family. I am the mother of 5 and have experianced this a few times myself. I still remember bringing home our son on a daughter's 2nd birthday- not her ideal gift because she had never had to share us before and wasn't interested to then- she traded him for a neighbors cat- we all laugh about that now as they are great friends now. I can only tell you that you have a couple of things going on- an intruder in the family that your little one has to share the spotlight with, and the natural changes that are going on with transtion from baby to toddler hood! IT just gets magnified with happening at the same time.
I can tell you that it is easier to have time outs now than to have an out of control child later- I have seen it done both ways. He just needs to understand the boundries and standards that you are teaching him to be sure they are consistant. I found that at night my little ones seemed to hate being left in thier room because they might miss out on something going on. My son has to be at work at 5 am so they all go to bed early and this has helped thier 2y/o becasue mom and dad also go to thier room( she has found her way into their room on many nights and recently got a surprise when the baby her mom is carrying kicked her. My children are my greatest joy and have been more adventure than any theme park ride with all the twists and turns and screams along the way. But at the end of the ride its always smiles, laughter and memories that last a lifetime. Good Luck, Nana Glenda