2Yr Old Hitting Dad

Hitting and slapping comes naturally and doesn't have to be modeled for a toddler to do it. In fact it's a normal developmental stage. Hitting/slapping is a primitive way of expressing ones self. He hasn't learned other ways to express how he feels. As you said, he didn't want to be hugged and kissed so much and slapping was his way of saying so. Your husband responded appropriately by backing off and waiting more for his son to initiate the contact.

Your MIL needs to also back off. Your son has legitimate feelings and is making the request by shoving her away. When she insists, she gets slapped. You might ask her how she would feel if she pushed someone away and that person got in her face anyway. Perhaps she can then understand how her grandson feels. Have you suggested to her that she will get more voluntary and thus more satisfactory hugs from her grandson if she does allow him to chose when to give them?

She can spend time with him without getting into his face. I understand the urge to hug and kiss often. I've felt that way at times too. The mature thing to do tho is to control yourself for the benefit of the other person. That is a part of loving someone too. In my opinion listening to and acknowledging someone else's needs is a more important way of showing love.

Would your mil understand better and accept not hugging if your son were to say, "no kiss." If so, you could teach him to say that.

As to when he slaps others, I'd gently grab his hands and say, "no slapping" each time that he has been the initiator of the hug or kiss. When he slaps when someone is trying to hug him and he doesn't want to be hugged, I'd gently take his hands and say I'm sorry. I didn't realize you didn't want a hug." Talk with him about how it's important to not slap someone but to use his words to say no kiss or even to gently push the other person away. It's OK too for him to squirm out of their reach. You just want to be sure that he understands that slapping and hitting is not acceptable while acknowledging his feelings and thus the reason for the slap.

Teaching not to hit and slap are important. Equally important is teaching respect for ones own body space.

Hello, My 23 month old grandaughter does the same thing. I babysit her 2-3 days a week, her auntie also babysits her 2-3 days as week. My grandaughter seems to do this montly to her big cousins. The are 8, 11 and 14. They don't always remember to give her space. They just love her so much and want to kiss her. The funny thing is that they are boys and it is just so cute to see them with her. We have told them that they should put her down telling her it is not okay to hit. I don't know where they get the hitting from, I think she just did it one day and got a reaction. She is very small and has Down's Syndrome, so she is just the cutest little girl, but very smart and is learning how to manipulate people. It will go away, but people have to learn to respect even a little child's space. It's funny how we expect our children (especially boys) to learn that No means No and then we don't always take No as No.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

I also thought Marda's response was spot on. One thing you might try with your MIL (or anyone in your family, really) is to have her ask your son if she can have a kiss or a hug. If he says no, then it's no and his choice but there is no hitting. And if he says yes, then she'll get a big hug. And maybe just by being asked he'll be more inclined to be affectionate than if it is pushed on him. It might be as much about control and choice as it is about kissing and hugging.

My daughter is the same age as your son and she goes through periods of hitting (or pinching, or biting). It isn't usually about affection, but we've established that the rule is 'no hitting'. So when she does it, we remind her sternly but in a calm voice that we don't hit, that it hurts Daddy (or whoever) or makes him sad. Ask her to apologize. If she does it a second time we either ask her 'what is the rule' and have her say it back to us to make sure she understands (followed by 'that's right... we don't hit') or if she's in that mood where you suspect she's seeing how far she can push something, I just set her down on the ground, say 'no hitting, that hurts mommy' and walk away. when she comes to find me a few moments later she either apologizes or I ask 'are you going to be gentle' and when she says yes I drop the stern voice and we go on about our playing, getting dressed or whatever we were doing.

We tried time outs, but it didn't work very well for us. It immediately became a game of getting up from the spot, being chased, getting put back in the spot. The more we tried to be stern and put her back, the more she laughed. That could be her personality, her age or our implementation. Who knows.. but we gave up on that approach for now.

Good luck in any case. Look forward to hearing what you try and how it goes!

I am a grandmother of a 2 year old who also hits when someone comes near him and wants a kiss and he doesn't want to kiss that person. I believe it started because my son-in-law smuthers him even when he does not want to. Dad has seen the results and now trys to controll himself but my grandson has already learned how to express himself in this way so it hasn't been resolved. I just think that when your son hits he is communicating something to you. He just doesn't have the words to do it. He has learned that hitting gets attention so it could be what he uses to communicate many things now. I can only suggest that you monitor what is happening before he hits to see if you can figure out what he wants and then teach him the words to communicate. My grandson still hits when a person trys to steel a kiss or hug but well we are the adults and we shouldn't do that so he has a right to express himself and defend his boundries. And in this day and age that is not such a bad thing for him to know. I hope you find this useful and comforting to know that others have had a similar experience. Grandma Cindy

Marda's advise is exactly right!!! You need to talk to you MIL ( gently) about teaching him respect and that part of that is also respecting HIM!!! Look at each of these experiences with your son as another chance to teach him about being kind to others but also respecting himself. And don't beat yourself up about this, this is something that all toddlers go through!! And like other phases...this too shall pass!!!

I think it is a natural impulse for kids to hit when they don't like something and they need to be taught that it is not acceptable. There is actually a book called "Hands are not for Hitting" by Karen Katz- one in a line of books that teach certain things are not acceptable like "Feet are not for Kicking". I have given my twins time outs for slapping but most of the time I just reprimand them for it. Biting is another typical and unacceptable behavior. Don't let your son think his behavior is okay. Grandma shouldn't be doing what she's doing either but what can you do? It is true for my kids and you could try explaining to her that kids will much more likely WANT to give her affection if it is done of their own free will and not forced. She wouldn't want unwanted affection from anyone either. Kids are no different.

I tell my son to use his words. Telling people no is ok but it needs to be done with words. Also tell your son that if someone (mil) is trying to do something he's said no to, like big sloppy kisses that leave lipstick on his cheek, he should come to you and ask you to help the offender understand. My son goes to montessori school and personal space and boundry setting are a major part of what they teach. We can't be confident if we can't effectively communicate our wishes. Your son is simply communicating in an ineffective way that causes people's hurt feelings. I would support his boundry setting but help him have a better way to communicate that. If Dad or MIL are trying for affection and he starts the slapping interrupt the whole thing with 'use your words! What would you like Daddy/Grandma to do?' Eventually dad and grandma will get it that your son is a little person not 'a kid' and that his personal wishes should be respected. They will stop getting their feelings hurt when they can figure out ways that your son does express his love. My son tells everybody he likes that he likes their shirt. He told his cousin that he liked his shirt while they were at the pool and the cousin wasn't wearing a shirt!!

Marda's answer was perfect. He just needs socially appropriate ways of fulfilling his communication needs. If he still chooses to hit when you know he can do other things (use his words, etc.), he's not too young for timeout (2 minutes), then he says "sorry" however you may have him do it after timeout (My almost 2 year old needs these reminders many times with her 5 yo sister). Also, be sure you are not allowing the hitting behavior with other things non-human that frustrate your son. Even if he hits the chair or a toy because they frustrate him somehow, still respond with "We don't hit." They can't really differentiate between living and non-living objects right now and not hitting anything is more consistent in his eyes. It is a phase and should not be such a big deal when he gets his language down better. Good luck!

Marda P is right!!!

The only thing I can add is if your MIL lives out of town then she is a stranger to you son. He doesn't she her often and doesn't understand WHO she is to you. ,

I also noticed my daughter do this exact behavior with my hubby who only sees her for 20min to 2 hours a night and not even every weekend because he has to work. I told him that I find his face very scrachy in the evenings and that I think our daughter has the same problem. It just hurts because any friction scratches us.

You are right to encourage your son to insist on his own space/time for affection. You might try putting more pressure on MIL to back off. Does your husband have any effective communication with her? When men force "affection"on adult women, it can be considered a crime, but for kids, somehow it's ok...very inconsistent.
Maybe poor mother-in-law lacks enough touch in her life. See if you can get her to get a massage or two. Tell her wanting non-sexual physical affection is a real human need, often neglected as we get older.
I think your son's behavior will go away again...toward all parties, once the affection assults against him stop. Try to see ift from his point of view. he might be quite frustrated with the inconsistent rules...Grandma can touch him against his will, but others can't. His protective parents can not stop this? Must be a bit troubling.
I would warn MIL that all this can set up negative associations in your son's mind. Grandma equals stress. I do not think she really wants this to happen. Tell her the payoff comes later when real affection is expressed by the child. Not grudging or artificially trained.

My 2 year old girl strikes out from time to time, but she has been flailing since she was born, so I don't think the swinging is necessarily a learned behavior but an instinctive behavior they use to rid themselves of whatever's bothering them. She really doesn't do it that often (every few months?) Until she was about 1, we would just take her hand/foot away, tell her know and make a big show out of how she hurt mommy or daddy, etc, but after age 1 it was an instant time out, followed up with kissing the boo boo and telling us she's sorry. It seems to work.

That said, maybe boys are different; my daughter soaks up all the hugs and kisses she can get. Either way, I think you're right in telling him hitting is wrong, but also let dad/grandma know that they're invading his personal space and making him uncomfortable. Let me put it to you this way: if he were a 10 year old girl and someone tried to kiss her and she struck out, no one would bat an eye, so why should it be any different for a 2 year old boy? Personal space is personal space. Besides, my MIL told me not all babies are cuddly. When my little sister was about 5 a little boy tried to kiss her and she pushed him hard enough he fell and his head hit the swingset and he started bleeding and his parents came complaining to me. I told them it was an accident, and that maybe then their child will learn that no means no when it comes to touching people. It's a good lesson. I hope this helps!

You have a tough problem thats for sure, especially if MIL is not going to listen to you and insist on taking her kisses & hugs instead of waiting until they are given. Unfortunately kids don't understand that hitting, kicking, biteing hurt people and at times it takes us showing them exactly how it feels. Not saying you should beat your child, not at all. Example: Now keep in mind I'M now 51 LoL!! and this is what happened with my younger brother. When he was teething, my sister and I thought it was neat when he would bite us before he got teeth. Not so much fun after though. One day my Mother was burping him and he bit her on her shoulder so hard he drew blood! My Mother did the only thing she could do for such a young child and that was to show him, hey that hurts! She bit him back. Now she didn't draw blood, or even leave a mark. But did bite hard enough that he knew it hurt and never did bite again. Maybe if you show your son that hitting is #1 not a nice thing to do, but #2 it hurts! Like I said you don't have to leave a mark, just get your point across. Good Luck
S. in Vegas