3 Year Old-- - Chicago,IL

The more you push her to be "polite" the more she's going to withdraw. Sounds like she's naturally on the shy side. She needs reinforcement that it's OK to not like someone, to not play with someone but still be polite. Help her trust her feelings.

I suggest that if you make it OK to withdraw and not play with someone she's more likely to come around and participate in small ways.

Pay attention to her positive behavior and ignore the "airs." "Airs" often mean that one is shy and insecure. Build up her self esteem by praising her often and ignoring the "airs."

After your SWH, Do you give her consequences when she's bratty. For example what do you do when she sticks out her tongue at you? Do you stop interacting with her or send her to her room until she can be polite? Ask for an immediate apology and not interact with her until she gives it. That sort of thing.

From my experience, the more the parents focus on being outwardly friendly, the more a reticent child will dig their heels in. If a child is already amenable to doing this, a gentle nudge in the right direction won't be a problem.

My first piece of advice is to stop being mortified and embarrassed; this is not about you or you controlling her, this is about her. Some kids really are not ready to go be friendly with other children until they are older. Sometimes they interpret company to be a competition for their parent's attention. Sometimes, a little pre-explanation of expectations can help wonderfully (as in "when so-and-so says hello to us, then it's your turn to say "hello" back to them.")

My son was exactly like this. We'd go to playgroup and he'd climb up me like a monkey climbs a tree. He wanted nothing to do with those kids. (this was due to some unpredictable behavior on the part of some children, and having had to share me when we ran a preschool in our home.) Sometimes, I politely excused us and left, because I could see he was stressed. At other times, I gave him a quiet 'something to do' on his own for a bit, but did not spend time trying to coax him into being social. This tends to reinforce the behavior. Instead, I'd encourage you to go have fun and be social yourself and if your daughter complains that she's not getting your attention, remind her that you are there to talk to your friends and that she could choose to sit and do a coloring book or look at a book or play with the toys/activities available.

My son was a kid who connected more with adults; his preschool teachers really helped him come out of his comfort zone. Now, he's the first kid to run up to other kids at the park or playground. I'd let the MIL's comment go in one ear and out the other.... kids are really their own people, as you noticed, and temperament has a lot to do with it. If it were me, I'd consider a half-day preschool program a few days a week to expose her to more social play opportunities and let a teacher help her with this challenge, too.

My daughter was much like this at 3 years old. Keep modeling good manners and try to honor her personality but teach her to be polite. My mother in law and sister in laws were very good with my daughter when she was younger. They often realized she would need to warm up to them each visit and they let her. She's gradually overcome this and while she's not an extrovert by any means, she is more and more able to speak to people. Also, check out the highly sensitive child. Your daughter may or may not have some of these tendancies but it will help you understand and guide your daughter a little more.

Think of it this way. I have a friend who's daughter is quite the opposite. Rather scary now that they are hitting double digits. I'd rather have a child that is a little cautious socially than the opposite.

I wouldn't be losing sleep over this, I really wouldn't. She's just shy and slow to warm up, like you said. She's not trying to be snotty and anyone who knows anything about kids should be able to recognize this and not be offended. At this age too, they really are not aware of how their actions may make others feel - they only know how they feel.

I would just keep up with what you are doing, keep modeling, etc. Eventually she will "get it" - even if she's more reserved and more of an introvert (and there's nothing wrong with that!) as she gets older she might be more willing to come out of her shell. The more you push her, the less she will feel like you really love her the way she is - the more you accept her for who she is, the more confident she will be as she gets older. My feeling is that once they are closer to 4 and 5 years old is when you can start explaining to them that it may hurt someone's feelings if you can't at least say hi and show them that you are happy to see them.

Mine are 6, 4 and 3. Take it from me. "Modeling" only goes so far. Yes, of course you are courteous to everyone, but kids (especially between the ages of 2 and 5) will not be nice if they don't feel like it without enforcement and discipline. Very few are just naturally sweet because their parents are. I have SO MANY sweet adult friends with totally bratty kids.

My kids are kind, respectful, say yes sir and yes ma'am, please and thank you, do not give dirty looks, do not say mean things, do not ignore people who say hello etc. Why? Because not only did we model nice behavior (which is totally lost on toddlers as I said, but we're just nice polite people so the behavior happened to be modeled) But MOST OF ALL we disciplined rude behavior very firmly as each little normal "seed" started. The way we did this was with SMALL things, like regular old "shy, rude three-year-old stuff". We would explain, "When a person says hello to you, it is very rude to ignore them. You do not have to hug them, you do not have to play with them, but you do have to be polite and say hello nicely." Or, "It is not nice to say you do not like people. Do not say that." (when they're older this could be OK in a proper context, but don't let the "I don't like so and so" habit form-it gets out of control fast). Like with any other important rule, we enforced discipline calmly, immediately, firmly and consistently if the bad behavior continued even one more time. Because we were firm and consistent, each of these things only happened once, and many not at all because they knew the clear warning and explanation were serious. This way bad habits were never formed. We used the system in the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. We know many kids raised this way as well. It really works. The good foundation never wears off and you won't need to sweat basic rudeness later when everyone else thinks it's "normal" for 5 and 6 year olds to be rude to their parents and others -like many of my friends who are sweet people and "modeled" nice behavior with no effective discipline, and now their kids are mean. One of their six-year-olds just beat up my three year old at a bbq last weekend. What did that little terror get? Sent to his room. And the mom felt I was wrong to expect more. Meanwhile my 4 1/2 year old (6-year-old FORGET IT) would never in a million years hit her toddler because he knows it's wrong, because we were firm when his character was forming.

Don't feel bad to enforce more firmly after plain explanations if you feel you may not be. I don't know what your firm boundaries are, but make them effective. Don't force her to be something she's not (outgoing if she's shy) but do enforce good manners if you don't want one of those bratty kids. You'll know your discipline is effective when you hardly ever have to use it and you spend your time complimenting good behavior instead of "talking about bad behavior" all day.

And don't listen to your MIL, listen to your gut. You know if your daughter is forming a bratty personality or not. Any child will if not steered firmly away from it.

**A note on the "forcing kids to say hello" concept...lots of people I know thought it was out of line to "force" our kids to say hello. They all now have kids who will tantrum or give people the aloof stink-eye when people say hello (eve some as old as 4 and 5 years old). Our kids may have felt forced the very first couple of times they said hello "or else", but after that, it was easy, and now they love being friendly. They get complimented on their confidence and pleasant attitudes all the time. It's about nipping and setting habits at this age. It's very important.

All children, (and adults) have their own... intrinsic and inherent personality and dispositions.
Sure, the parents raise the child. But along with that, a child has their own developmental based... phases as well. Which needs to be considered. If not, there will be... LOTS of frustration in the parents and then upon the child... if the "expectations" on the child is not congruent with a child's developmental based, cognition etc.
At this age, emotions... are not even, fully developed.
The human brain, is not even fully developed until 26 years old.
At this age, a child does not even have, "coping skills" or communication skills... nor do they even have complete understanding of "emotions" nor the exact names for their emotions.. they do not have hindsight or the ability for full deductive or inductive reasoning etc. Nor of abstract concepts socially or emotionally.

MOST young 3 years old... have apprehensions socially and this is normal. It is not "wrong" or them being bratty.
BOTH my kids at that age... were shier. It was them. I knew that about them. I did not make them, be "extroverts" if they were not. I nurtured, who THEY were and are. Because of that... they trust themselves, and have remarkable intuitive ability... to gauge social situations, the intent of others, and how to CHOOSE friends... wisely.
My kids are now 6 and 9... they are not longer the "shy" or apprehensive 3 years olds they used to be. But now, they are, astute about their "radar" for other people and situations.
That is golden.
I am proud of them.
We taught them, from 2 years old, the names for feelings, about social scenarios, how to "analyze" their feelings about things, and how to choose friends and how to communicate etc.

It was not about "manners" or about pleasing others, for my sake.
It was about, teaching our kids to KNOW themselves, and to TRUST themselves and to be themselves for who they are. They are thus, not "followers" and are, well mannered wise children. For their ages and per social situations.

I never got "embarrassed' about my children, if they were "shy" or hesitant at social gatherings, nor was I apologetic to others about their shyness, nor did I try to make my children more extroverted, even if they were shy.
We just nurtured our kids, as they were, in disposition. And thus, they are very self-assured children who can, speak up or gauge social cues, very well. And they can manage themselves, per their cues.
My daughter especially, though shy when younger, she has an astute "radar" about others... and is often correct, in DISCERNING, situations. Socially.

MANY kids, who are 2,3,4,5 years old... can be, more introverted. We cannot mold... a child's every tendency. But instead, teach them how to manage in a way that is developmentally and age appropriate, per their age stage.

I never... "taught" my kids to be friendly to others, if they did not want to.
Why? Because, I wanted them to learn to TRUST themselves and their own intuition about situations. A young kid, does not put on "airs." They are not even social experts yet, nor socially astute. Some adults aren't even experts at it. A 3 year old, is just developmentally, 3 years old.
Expectations, needs to be age appropriate.

That's awesome. "Airs" that just made me giggle. At two.

I would honor her style while reminding her of politeness. You can call saying "hi" practice. Your MIL is going to present herself as someone not to be trusted if your daughter catches even the slightest hint of her feelings. What is fabulous about slow to warm people (generally) is their sensitivity. This can lead to empathy, but they also form fast opinions and detect someone to be wary of.

Your last sentence pegged it. My daughter is the same way though outgrew it with much practice around age five with much exposure to new situations, gentile reminding. She will never be the first to say hello, but she is now able to feel confidence in saying hello and more of an openness when making friends.

well, as far as "forcing" someone to say hello - that doesn't happen at our house. not because i'm more "enlightened" than other people and don't try to make him - just because as soon as i see my son is being standoffish, and i ASK him to say hi, he immediately digs in his heels and from that point on NO WAY is he opening his mouth. or, often, coming out from behind me. so it has been a hard lesson to learn, that tactic just doesn't work. but when in social situations, i always cave and "try" anyway. i guess i want the other people to see that i do "try". i guess i feel like telling people, "oh he takes a minute to warm up, but he's fine. sorry." makes me look like an indulgent mother. so involuntarily it always pops out anyway, even if i know better; "honey, say hello!" and then the face-hiding starts and i'm embarrassed anyway. sound familiar? lol. just want you to know it's not just you. mine is 5, will be 6 in a month, and he is a little better now, but it depends on his mood, how he's feeling, if he's tired/ hungry, and a thousand other variables.

so we just keep trying. i hope that eventually, telling him all these times that smiling and saying "hello" is the polite thing to do, will sink in. i don't ever force him to interact or participate, though. imo, if he doesn't want to that's fine. but he should (eventually) still say hello, that's manners.

i am a shy person myself, and i hate, hate, HATE meeting new people, the whole "eye contact/smile/say hello/extend hand for handshake" thing gives me the heebie jeebies in my tummy. but it's part of my job, so i do it. you don't have to enjoy something or be good at it, but knowing the tools is helpful. at least that's my hope for my son's future...

Welcome to the age of 3. This is the age when they start exerting their independence and test boundaries. You begin to see the person that they one day will become and I don't mean that it's set in stone. But you see how they react to situations. I could tell by the age of 2 whether my kids were shy or extroverts. Your daughter doesn't sound like a brat at all. It really sounds like she's shy in public and testing boundaries with you. Not everyone is an extrovert, I've had to work at it all my life. My oldest is definitely shy but my youngest is a total extrovert.

If you have a family of extroverts, then your daughter is not going to be understood. Modelling and coaxing will help but she has to want to overcome it and at 3 that's hard. My shy one is 12 and it's hard to get her to participate in conversations with adults or new people. She'll respond to questions but not continue the conversation. She and I have been gently working on this for years.

I remember when my kids tried pushing my buttons like your daughter is doing. Now she and her sister get complimented on their manners routinely so over time, your daughter will be fine. Just don't expect her to change her personality anytime soon.

You could try to role play with her. Show her what it looks like to ignore someone when they say hello to her for example. My daughter's were on the shy side so I would tell them I saw some little girl when I was out and someone said hello to her and she hid behind her mothers legs and looked so silly. My girls thought this role playing thing I did was hilarious.
I also would set expectations for how I expected them to behave. Before we would go out, I would tell them we are going to Xs house. When you go in say hello Mrs. X. If they ask how you are say " I am great. How are you". I also tried to never speak for my daughter's. Once they were 2 and were quite articulate I made them order for themselves in restaurants. Believe me, it only took a few times of them not getting something they wanted for them to learn to speak up. I felt a little mean doing this but like them getting their vaccines, I knew it was in their best interest.